#Invictus #mentalhealth

I  am slightly amused    when told   someone   about #invictus   and  how t may help me  with struggle   with ptsd   (  violins out ) and she said  still dont get  it  but morgan freeman did   that  well  if he  can learn   it by heart   so can i  does   not own it     does  he  must  admit  the name     ring a bell    but  not getting  an answer .

I have  decided to move on  two the   second verse   if u call  it that , although   not over keen   on it   as the bit    throught out   something   circumstance i have not  winced or cried  aloud   so when   ever i come across  t hat but      get  bit aggiated   as not  true  but after    much thought  hey ho does it matter  i am still here  alot  of times i think   right  no more  of this  let go off   to the  better  place   if   theirs  such a thing but     i honestly  dont  pour my heart    out to every  living  soul and    and  tend to do  what  most people  do   hi lou  how    r u   oh  i am fine  and walk  on by  !!!

yesterday  was an okish   well it  went bit  wrong as it often does   ,  not been able to find blood machine  so    just guessing my insulin dose   not  a good  idea on long term  but surviving   i know  when going   wrong    as the  dreaded    thirst  appears  and  i   go   from place   getting   drinks  for  myself ,   i do    not help , matters  by saying a hh high as   kite  lets    have cake from mates    cafe  although i think  it is  healthy cake  if such a thing .

went to   library book grp i had been   under such stress   with  government  stuff   that   had  put the book n hold    as  culd  not concentrate  and the   book  is now  wrecked  but   u r thinking   she  has  harmed   a library book but no  it s my own n ot that is an excuse  , alot of the  time i am   relatively chatty   but   sometime   realise   not on the    same  page  as  everyone   else  so  to speak  and  maybe  shld   keep  certain   comments  to  my self  but     wether   its part of  aspergers    find   it  hard  to  keep quiet   when  know people are  not getting what   trying to alot of   time   with   certain social   things   i think   to myself why   bother   i cant seem  to  do this  polite    conversation   malarky and   say what i think oh well  i am the master of my fate not me  and   i  have   to live  with me    all the  time   and other  people  only   have to  put   up with me hr or so  !!!

Decided  to   go to local theatre  not   far  away  not sure  who  else going  just go  on the off chance it was  a comedy   version of macbeth so  thought   yer   have u ever heard of  such  a thing   so off  i went  i have lived  in Birkenhead  all my life  so  how    i got slightly lost  is beyond  me but the rds  do    look kind of the same  and approached  theatre   and it was all  shuttered off  , how   dare they   not open it  up  but i looked  at   various paper   things  and   hey    Macbeth   comedy version  was   last week    alot of the  time this happens things go wrong  and  i  tense  up and shoulders go in ward  kinda mumbled  along out of the  night  that covers  me  always   want to say black still  and even bits  of second  verse    i have not   winced or  cried aloud no big  deal go to asda  and it  is   quiet and   will   pick up    bargains galore    hey ho must do    this again , maybe not  for  along time   something  going  wrong  and  came home must admit  kicked oof a bit     mainly  for life  of me  cld   not remember if taken nightmare   insulin sl  took a  gamble   and took it   again    I  am the master of my fate after all

 

 

#Invictus #mentalhealth

ahhhh   spent  most of  the day   and   of last night   in one hell  of a state  and   if  being brutally honest   most of last night  in  a  very dark place ,    I  tossed and turned   for most of the  night   extremely     narked     and at the  same time  thinking  one must   stop   drinking so much coffee but    everyone  need a  vice  of some sort and  thats mine  .

I dozed  off and  woke with at   start  and was horified  to fine out   was nearly 10  and  was going  to calderstone s park for  1.00  although a  little   voice    kept saying  plenty of time   i like   to  do  thi ngs       s  l o  w   l   y so don’t panic   which i did  the  slightest  thing   starts the  ptsd  , i was going  to visit  the  reader  org    BASED    in    an old house  in a beautiful   setting  but   when my  mind   is  so  ugly with intrusive  thoughts i cld      be in the  garden of  eden and    would  not make   much difference  .

I was raging  absolutely    a bull  has nothing  with me  and  tend to  bite  things w when  things   go out of  control  , someone told me  my ptsd  has made   me go back intime    to like caveman status, i did   try  and remember     my other  fave  thing    makes  me sound   as if   auditioning for    the   sound of music all these  fave things    but no   the  last  two   lines  of  Invictus calling but    to tell the  truth doing  nothing   for me , i think sometimes  i should   call on my Hopkins   friend  much sooner   cos sometimes  it is  to  late  and  their   is no way   to  mow  into my thinking

i met various   people  on my travels     like most  people  when   asked   if  i am  ok  , i go  yes fine  but today cos  so distressed   i  was like   no mi am not good , but  u cant do anything  ahhhh   and then feel guilty as  really  dont   want to  pour   my worries  onto    other  peoples  shoulders    , we  all have our     burdens   blah blah  , that sounds  yukity    actually but  u know  what i mean .

i was not  to sure   what today   meeting   was abt    but  Lovely fiona wanted  to  talk   to me  about  invictus  so cool  ,   yer  I can do that  and  Fiona  so easy to  talk  to although  only met  on a few occasions ,  i have  to be   with the   right  person /people   if going  to spill  my guts so  to speak  , i dont   tell   everyone  i meet   abt   my mate  Invictus

I  told  my story abt  how found  invictus   ( cant be bothered   telling  u know ) but   was glad i met him and w hat  was  good  about today   thinking  about  the  words   and what they   mean to me ,  as  said  before  i dont always get  them in  the   right order ,  I am still  going  out of the    black night    no thats not  right , so yer  not making   much improvement   but who cares   not as   if doing  a n exam  in it and i think  it helps mentally to think hey  thats not   right but dont  get  into red bull rage abt  it

i THOUGHT    today  more  abt  the  line   MY   UNCONQUERABLE    SOUL    hope that  right   and y do i like   it prob  the  sound it makes   when say it out  loud, and prefer   if  to something   like brave , it makes  me  stop   and think , well  u not going to get  me matey  and the  fact it  is   My ,  that   crops   up   alot    it is mine   and u   r  not  going to take it away from me .

The  whole time  i was   thinking  about invictus   the  pain and  distress  were   no where  to   be seen and this  continued on my travels   back  home  to   Birkenhead as i was  running  through   bits of  the poem in my head   but again thought i must   do    this more  often  when calm so it   kind  takes   more of   a hold on my brain .

Well  alls   well that  ends   well as they   say but   m y calm feeling was  not to end , it  began to hit me a gain the  ptsd  and again  Invivtus   cld not come in and    have   u   ever  had  a phone call   go on and on and on    etc and keep  thinking  , ahhh  how long  this    going  on for  so eventually   used  the  toilet   excuse  !!!! really    have to  go  now (  do  actually  , to   much info  but  by now was in a state   and thought  maybe  write  it down and see how it goes   well   must admit   feel awhole  lot different  not so tense  but  feel  more freer and  not the  urge to  bite  so deep breath and tomorrows another day  , blah   dont  really like that  I  am the  master  of  my  fate   . I am the  captain f my soul    hope  thats   right  who gives  a toss

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#invictus #mentalhealth

ahhh    It is   sunday   and time for  confessions   although i am not  catholic , or anything  really just me ,  i have  not  forgotten   the   forementioned   poem  but   sometimes my life  can be so  STRESSED  i  compleatly  forget  to  try and remember the  lines   although saying  it louder to myself in  my flat   and to firmly say this  like  now !!

I  have been seeing   someone  for a  few  months to  abt   helping me  with  ptsd  but  had a sneaky   feeling   this  was not going  on the  right path  and  last week   got  told    that   it  was  up to me  but  he does   not want  to do anything that may  inferfere  the  emdr  treatment  waiting for  with the   NHS   which will be   two  years  next  month .

I  have at time  tried  to  remember other  different sayings or peoety   but at the   end  i am going   ahhh no    keep   with   hopkins , was it  him who  wrote  it  sounds   right ,   and  manly  hopkins  banging in my ear drum ,

so really  i shld be  alot further  with  learning the  whole of invictus   but i am not   ,  but on the whole i am doing  this for  me and no-one else so  really  you should not be  saying  , well not much effort   in their   but  yer   enough   and  theirs  no exam  recital  at the end

 

outof the  night that  cover me   black as the  pit  from post  to post I thank what  ever  god   that  may be for  my un connquerable soul ,  yer  that sounds okishnn  not  sure  abt the  may be ,  but maybe its in their maybe not  ,  but i will ponder and wonder  and thinking  of that   may stop  the  ptsd   attacking me  and  of course  i am the  master of  my fate  , I am the  master of my soul .   yer thats it  abt time  i pulled  self  together   and learnt  more  upwards   and onward  wotever !!!

 

 

 

Invictus week 2 #ptsd

ahhh  things   not to good   and  although  reciting   Invictus    does   help   the words  will not  enter  my brain  when very stressed ,   been told   unless  brain   busy or  relaxed  the  ptsd  will  strike    were  i clench my teeth  leading to most  of them being   destroyed  ,   no point  going to  dentist as  mum  suggests    as    cant stop   clenching  the  damn things  !!!

Saying this   i was  okish  reading   ant and  cleo   in  Shakespeare  this   pm i   am not  a buff as only  got gcse but enjoy  the stories and   enjoy the   company of the  others   who   accept  people   for  who they   r  very   important    when got  a mental  illness !!

So all  though  have  back  tracked   to  just  repeating the  last two  lines  I  am the master of  my fate , I am the  captain of my soul, feel  bit  like  1,0000   steps   back and  1   step    forward  if lucky  although one can  dream of   waking  up and   my brain is  just calm and  collected  and  can  walk   down the  street  without   unimaginable   swear    word s   entering  my brain    not   kidding   living  nightmare  .

Feel  alot more   stressed  as    my birthday coming   up and  dont   really want  to  celebrate being here  , i  know  that  sounds    awful  but  never  get  what supposed  to be   celebrating  be  here , this   must  sound   awful  if  got some   deathly disease   but  be  in my   head   for a  day and  have  had  this for   at least for   15   years  !!!!  woe  woe   woe    actually  feel   bit better  now   writing   this  out  maybe    one  day out  of the  dark  that  covers me   black as  night   from  pole to pole  think thats  right  who  oh well   cold feet   back on tonight    hope wont be   disappointed

#invictus #pip form #mental health

Roughly  abt a  month got form  through to  change over  from  DLA   to  pip not  kidding   been an absolute   nightmare   desperately   trying to get the  evidence of my   health  condition together  ,  i just hope and pray  i do   not  have to go through this again,  as trying    to remember  how traveling  affect me   when the ptsd   strikes  my thought   patterns  all the  while    leading me  to   bite   something  such as    a piece  of cloth  , have  often  said to people  involved  with  myself   come with me  for a day and   then say   do  not require   help !!

I think   u have  a   recognized  health  condition h as    aspergers    ptsd  or  as my  diabetes  shows   itself   with erratic     blood sugars  once the  original   form   been filled    it should be left  on file and maybe   just  a phone call   once a year   .   their  are  people  who take   the    system for  a ride   so to speak    but really  i don’t   think u cld  lie   your way  through  one of those pip forms  !!

Luckily   I  have my parents  to help  me  filll the form in although  they spent most of their   time  telling me  what   a difficult  person i am to be  around  especially when doing   some thing    disagree with

I woke this  Am  and thought  F<<<<<<   pip form    must be filled  but   hey INVICTUS  i am the  master  of my fate   and  the   captain of my soul  and i  am not  hiding   any of my health   conditions so  hey hum   that’s how spent   bank hol  ho hum  and not another  one   til  christmas  ho hum

 

 

week 1 ~invictus #mentalhealth

Been roughly a  week  since  decided  to learn  invictus  by heart , ha  it  has   got  me out of  slight pickles   but only  by a  millimeter  and that  better  than nothing   , think  I need to recite   it more when calm so automatically   goes  to my  brain when frazzled

.  My ptsd  tends  to strike    when    doing  aimless   things  like  walking   the  streets  ( not  that   way )   as i have nothing   much to   focus on , as  i   am so used   to  traveling   the routes my self  so  bang    ( swear  swear ) off  i went   now  what is it    something  abt   a night   being   black  but    does  not seem to  flow  with the   2nd line     think   yer   that’s  it   Black  as the  night  that covers me   nooooo    its out  of  the night   see  its   not as   easy as it sounds   but actually reciting   the   lines    begins to calm  me down  as   gets  the    obscene   filthy  thoughts.

Today i recited   a bit  before   getting out of my pit  of   ahhh   by Jove  as the  light  nips  through  OUT  OF    THE  NIGHT  THAT  COVERS ME

BLACK AS  THE PIT FROM POLE   TO POLE   ( NOT SURE )

I THANK WHATEVER GODS  MAYBE  FOR  MY UNCONQUERABLE SOUL   yer  that  sounds   right  and think look  what u have gone  through and   u sure will see  it through to the  end  my ptsd  thoughts  began to   strike   when realized  cld   not find   sandles to go   with skirt and coffee    slipped out of my hand  leaving  splurges   but  hey   goes   with the pattern and I am master of  my fate  went to the pub and  yum lovely  roast for a  fiver    FIGHT ON

 

 

#INVICTUS #poetry #ptsd

HI      JUST  BEEN   told    it has  been   9 months   since  last posted   wow  i am not going  to say what most people say who  have been waiting  for  9 months   but   really life  is  pretty   much the  same ,  and  feel    have  become  very neglectful   of  writing  my thoughts  and feeling down which   countless  people    have told  me  does me  good ,  and  that  what  matters  ha  !!! no  bothered    if no one   ever  reads it  but  doing   this fo   r  me ultra  selfish  person   that i am  ( not )

P eople   who have  brain  disorders    should  help  each other    and honestly   would  not like   any one to go  through  what i go   through  actually   would  like   an enemy to  through  it   i have    always  had  difficulty    thinking  ” I  Rambling on

I  am not going  to go   on   about   how come  across  Invictus   but lets    just    say  had a profound   effect on me    especially  the  last    two  lines   I am the  master   of my fate  .,   I am the  captain  of my sould  because of  abuse  as  a kid  i  am  extremely  agitated   especially if      say the  word   no and  people  take  no notice

I  decided  to   repeat the last  two  lines to   myself    whenever   intrusive thoughts   entered  my head  which  can  only   describe   as a motor   way   running   through my head   without  any   diversion, and it   did   divert   my  thinking but  only slightly  so  i  kept  thinking  need more  and that   is when  decide  i am going  to learn  the  lot  and see   where  gets me   just  letting   u know  not a  great  poety  lover  prefer a novel  but  this  i think    hope pray  will  change   every thing   ” out of the  night that  covers  me  first   bit always  the  hardest !!

 

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