no-one on the planet is perfect !!!!!!

Been having ultra  stressful time  ha  i think i have  said  this before    yer   everyone’s  life is  stressful but honestly think u would   really know w hat  stress   was if  me  for  a day   the other   day i went  for   supposedly emdr  session  supposedly to  help with  PTSD  but  ROB  reckons    it is ocd  and intrusive thought  which is  the main problem and   going over  over   a nd over the same thing  according to him  everyone  has intrusive thoughts   but  most people  just  manage to  knock them  away  like a tennis  player  but i cant seem to be able to do  this  ,

I  say Invictus  to myself ( well   bits of it   ) and sometimes try and set it to  music at the  moment  i am not going past the  line   “OUT of  the pit  tha covers me  and then  say  out   out   out  repeatedly  and it is  the  word  out  that  is springing up at me  one  day  hopefully my head  wont be in this  torment   .

AT the  same time    i am thinking  you are   stuck with this   for ever  and the only time   i am going   to  be   at full peace is when  dead !!!! cos i am really  at peace    when asleep  ,  this   is why   never  want to  get up and out of  bed  but  I am the master of my fate  I am the   captain of my soul  and their   are times  when i am happy or happyish  (  is that   a word )

According to ROb  everyone has bad thoughts   which i suppose is   true   this   rises a  smirk   like   i suppose  the   Queen  must get    bit fed  up cutting  ribbons   and  even the  pope  must   get fed  up with  patting people on the head !!!!

I read  alot of psychology books  actually i  will  read   any book in the   universe  but nothing  on  LFC football club  for   personal reasons (  if u  happen  to be a red xxxx please don’t   hold this against me   quite sure   u dont    read   stuff on the  bluenoses !!!!! )

anyhow this   famous  psychologist   abraham maslow  according to    Wikipedia  is the 10th  best   psychologist in the words (  so not the best )  and   invented  this pyramid of  needs or something    but the other thing he  noted  most importantly   is no-one on the  planet is perfect  and  everyone  has  off/ on days   , I think  rob  the Emdr   was  trying to make  me feel better   and he did   but only  by 2% , their  are people  who are  really good  ultra  very annoying   my mum is very saintly  and  annoys  me   with   her  putting   everyone  else before  u   this  is how  u lose  your life on a sinking   ship by being   nice  to  nice !!!

I think my head is in a very dark   place at the  moment but  sure with bit of  care   things will get better  !!!  famous last words  as no-one can be nice  all the  time not even  my mother and  God have i seen her lose it !!!!!

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why be perfect

Today has been  an okish  type of day no big  disasters   to report and met  up with some  friends  for a general  chat , their  was 5 of us in total and think   we had  all various struggle in life   which made me think of so called  friend maybe that is pushing it  who is seems  to have no empathy with other people  struggles being on the  asd spectrum say i am like  that but  think that is open to debate  but catherine   compared  to me  seems to  have  no adventures no stories of  getting  wrong train,  leaving bag with  dosh on bus  or just   simply falling over the kerb and breaking leg  so having  nice house and job  but to me nothing   to strive for and i get  bored   with her  very quickly !

Another person i know   got   the  majority of A* in exams  and   throughout  her life   but went   quite   hysterical  as got a B   once  !!! as  just   could  not cope  with not  being top !!!

I have  a hand ful of   gcse  and not bad grades   but  tended  to get most of  them  bit   by bit not all in one   go and concentred  on subjects  that i enjoyed like   psychology and   some   strange  thing  welfare and  society !!!!!  but the subject i   failed    at  surprise  surprise  was  English lit   I had missed   an awful lot of school as became  diabetic when 13  and   was  badly bullied   so alot of time just used to stay off   as was so much easier

I  taught myself  english and on the day on the exam  was not well in the  exam and   told no one  just kind of  dozed off resulting  in   D or could   have been an  e  i was   not that bothered  but   the   english teacher  was so upset  but  i just enjoy reading the  stories  and  plays  not really  interested in    remembering  quotes  that means  nothing  but   a couple of years later i   was at college  i had  a couple of free  hours  as   the rest of the  group did sociology and was told  i could  not just sit in the cafe  and relax  so  said i could  retake  ENGLISH  lit again bit  gobsmacked    has it was not possible  to attend the lessons   d ue to other commitments   so i said  “I could teach myself  if the  teacher met me  every now  and then to tell me  what to read  errr  this  was liking  asking  for the moon and sun and stars  but i persuaded  them  i could do it  myself  and  so she did  like the  big red hen  and throughly enjoyed  myself  reading hardy and  war poets  which had touched in at  school and   surprise  surprise was  well and  well-loved the  exam and got  b which i was made  you have  prob noticed  grammar is   my downfall   but don’t care  i had passed  and  remembering  the  english teacher  seeing me in the  corridor  and saying  wow imagine  what  you would have got if came to the lessons and then why dont u take it  further  errrr no  i have passed  and that’s cool  but i read  cos  enjoy it  and having all these letters  and exams  mean well nothing   well all i can safely say a picture  paints a thousand words for  suggesting   exams mean nothing  but it is  true

lets  just say it is interesting  to learn through  our mistakes and perhaps  should have first  time round informed  the exam person that was not well !!! but still

I think the  grip of perfection  takes  ahold  and people miss out  when  they think we have to be  the best at what we do i used to  run races mainly 10k i enjoyed them and the  camaraderie of the  runners but  did  not want to be  a world  class  runner  i just enjoyed it so used to get really upset  when people  would say if  u trained  more  u could be  really good as far as i was  concerned was good as i wanted and  it helped  with  health problems  maybe should  give it another shot .

My times   at running races did  slowly improve which was pleased at  but  that’s what think should aim for in life   quiet steady progress who wants   perfection  when u  reach the  top  the only thing left is the  way down !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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no tea on national tea day !!!

I have only  been  part living at my  flat  due to so many flaring  up (  to long a blog   for that ) but i  kinda  go back ward and  forwards  and hope to move some   time  due to  difficulties  that  could arise  in the  future as   have  to go  down an  entry with no lights   given up on telling  the  council  and  loads  of steps   !!

Anyhow called  round yesterday and  going  to a  monthly  book   grp  i tend  to   go the  shared  reading  type  where  u read the  book together  and would not   touch the monthly type with a barge   pole  as  worried   would  lose it (  well that happens ) and  thought   their would  be  raised   eyebrows   or more if  not  finish  like  it  but  a few  of my friends   go to the  groups  so went along  and kinda   liked the surprise of what    will be reading next  and no  it   did not matter if  never   read the   first  sentence

I came back  to my flat  and  was  just about  to make myself   a tea  u drink  17 ooo cups in aday   but I reckon  drink more  so  thought odd   will  turn light  nope  and  then  went to the  electric  meter     and  was   blank  yerrr    not been using that much electric  but got a few  spare  cards  from my neighbour when she moved out  but   have    vague  memories of  being  out in rain and   got  yuk so of course did  not work  !!!!!! ahhhhh this  is where i go  hysterical   why does  the  landlord   make it  so difficult to get  cards   have  to go  to the  other  side  of town  not funny  when don’t drive    and when spoke to landlord   he was in the    good old usa   typical  !!!

I kept thinking of the  various of things    that had  gone  with  meters   their has been a few which today makes me laugh as  for ages  i kept   feeding the  wrong meter  with money as had to go  to the cellar  and the man kept wondering his   y electric   never  ran out but i did not seem to have any  !!!!  I lived  in a  big house  split into  bedsits when   found  out  what been doing  i actually  told   him  when he was a bit merry  that i had been   feeing  his meter and  he gave    me some  dosh back  and other times when  the     fuses  kept   blowing after  c alling   people  like  my dad  and  landlord out frequently found out   how  easy  it  is to fix when fused  the point is     we  are  here  i reckon to learn something or other !!!! and perhaps i should learn to   check my electric more often !!!  actually  if life  was all rosy like polly anna   this would  make  for a very boring  read !!!

ps  looking  forward  to a good  kip  good night

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being in the moment

I am always being   told i  continually  play the  past  in my head  or   worrying about the  future  always discussing things  months  ahead  such as telling people  when  Easter is  on christmas  day .

I was   told by the Rob who does  emdr for ptsd  with me that my thoughts   are  like  become  stuck on  aloop  and i have to   try and  distract myself   with doing something  !!

This is more  difficult  than]u can imagine  sounds   easier to me   to  eat  a bath  load of baked  beans  not making  excuses   doubt many people  know what it  is  like having an  aspergic ptsd ocd depressed  anxious brain well    I can tell you it is  shattering  and    i have today   tried to think of the  times  today  when   i was  their  in the moment !!

 

Umm  need  a  cuppa  to refresh memory   ummm

Oh  yes i am a bit of a news  fiend  and   just love  knowing  what going  on   and   so watch   them discussing  the papers  on various  news channels  this  was  before  the main  announcement of the  day that in april  May has called   an election  for  june !!! and   being  somewhat  left wing  this  June is the   time to get may out   as u can see  I am political but   yer   that’s  when in the moment  !!! as u can see   get so wrapped   with politics   i am their  !!!! or is   it there    (  who cares )

In the morning  or  at night  i   say various  bits of invictus   today  got to the   2nd  verse and felt    quite calm   so stopped   at the  bit where  says  my  head is  bludgeoned  but unbowed yer   true   spent  most of yesterday  filling in benefit  forms  but i did  it  although it is  a disgrace  that  u have  to jump through  hoops  but perhaps  shld leave that  for another  day

REading as a whole  helps   although  no reading  grps  on til  fri that  i go to but someone  told  me it is very good   to read aloud  and   helps u  be in the moment  , i  pretend i am  on tv   reading the  story  so i  put  the  expressions in more   which i must  admit   helps me  and maybe others !!

I spent   the pm sorting out  clothes    books etc   I am hopeless  at doing  this   and  had  forgotten all my being  in the moment  sometimes  singing  to a cd   helps but not today but   getting  involved  such as looking at clothes  and thinking  chuck that   or put  in charity  bag  did  kind of   change the  loop in my head !!!

When I am  at peace with myself  it is such a rare   feeling  that  i prob  go a bit   eccastic  i would  love to  be able  to put a name  to this  feeling and  sure   could  make  a small  fortune  bottling   it  , i started  this   piece  about    20 mins   i don’t  plan it , u may  have gathered  and just write  what i feel someone  told  me  it  will help   just   thinking of the words   will  stop the loops in the head .

I dream  of a day  when i can   have  a  content  in the  moment   feeling all  day but  til then  got my writing  /reading  news   oh yer and  who  is going  to win  the  election !!! to keep  me  going  just hope   tomorrow or the  next  when i go off on one  to say it the  scouse   way i remember  the  calm feelings  and somehow   manage to get it back   for  i am the master of  my fate   i am the  captain of my soul  (  or  is it  the other  way round  ahhhh  who cares !!!  such is life

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ptsd emdr aspie and ocd

ummm  totally  fed  up although still hope  something  can be  done  about  my  ummm well lets say out of ordinary  brain !!!

I think i could cope  fine  if i was  just  aspergic or  just ocd , dyspraxic  but  having ptsd and   what  been told could also be  severe  ocd  is  making  think   will  not  ever   a day free of      distressful thoughts   not much to  ask is it !!!

I mentioned  how i was   feeling  to   the  emdr  man and  he  reckons alot of my rethinking the  same thing   stems from ocd  but    I do  have ptsd   because  of the  various  traumatic  events in my life  but  my  brain  has developed  a pattern of   when   ever  there is  a blank  moment in my brain  distressing thoughts m which loop around this  is were  Invictus  crops up  to help   at the moment  just an odd line   “out of the night that covers me   black as the pit from pole to pole  ” at this   moment in time  i find  this  is the only line  i need  or should  i say  want  as   at the time of writing  i am thinking  i am  stuck like this for  life    not kidding  it is  a total nightmare  but  that line of  INVictus makes me   think   i have not officially been told  nothing  more can be done and yer only really had a handful  of   emdr sessions .

Although   another   dr who deals with trauma  did   warn me before  hand that   because of my autistic  brain he  really did   think emdr would not work cos  of the  way my brain is wired  but have been   reading  a lot  on how to change the  wiring  of the brain and  live in hope i can !!! nad  if the   wiring in a house   does not work  u dont   demolish the whole house

I  was asked  when not in distress  and  if   read  in  a  grp better than  reading alone  as    have to be  very calm to read alone or doing something   like  facebook which   means  have to concentrate  but not  excessively.

I don’t  remember  a time when d id not read although  a friends says  i am very autistic  the way i read  have to read  everything in the  right order and dont like missing  anything out  but   it keeps me going if nothing else  as   nothing beats the  thrill of saying  i have read this .

Countless people  have told  me to try and  stop the loop but find  if so  difficult    but suppose   who would   have thought that Leicester   would have won the premier league  last year   just need  to have some belief  and that is  what  gives me hope

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bloods and / emdr 8

Been awhile since blogged    must  admit things   not going   as  well as  thought they would be  after  having  so many emdr  sessions but  reckon  it is  going to take a while as taken so long  waiting for  help and also the   diagnosis of ptsd   as    people  kept saying it  was  the  aspergers  playing up !(  so not  true)

I reckon it   is like the  foundations  of  my life   have to  be  rebuilt    and   have to   do what  emdr  is really   all about  processing  traumatic   events in your life .

Alot of my problems  stem from not being listened  to and people  just presuming  they know  what is best for  me without for asking, i  suppose  everyone  looks at   another   person life   and thinks  they know  what is the best for   them but  really  it is  you  who is  an  expert on  your life and  none else !!

I continued  with the  emdr   have to  try and always  remember  to take headphones on and listen to the  tick tock of the noises  it is  all  very  trivual what am processing  as   in my friend  insisted on   staying with me   when i  really did not  want her   to !!!!!!!!.  th e fist  few  sessions  i felt  really wonderful  leaving   emdr   but today and felt   awful and   was so  thirsty rushed for  a drink in a cafe  feeling like death  so took my blood  sugar it  was in the  high  20s  supposed to be  7  so took   extra insulin and  waitied  for it to  take effect  i find the ptsd  really affects   diabetes   which effects the  aspergers   going  round in  a massive   circle !!!!  i often  say  to  my diabetic  dr  when he is moaning   ” well  are  any of your patients   got  ptsd  and   aspergic    with  brittle  diabetic   not that   want anyone to  get violins out   as  someone one  told me    more   got to  many  variables .

This  morning   went for a blood  test  after half  an hour of  trying to get blood   the blood   nurse  gave up  saying next time  book a double  test  and  to tell them at the diabetic   clinic   that  feel ok and breathing all  must be well

Actually afew  days  later   went to hosi and  not  kidding   took the  blood  test within  5 mins just  by turning  my arm quickly and  to one side   saying  u  just have to  know  how  to deal  with people  with no veins !! so all done  just got  to remember    everyone is  unique and what works  for  one   person may not  work for another person !!

I have no longer   how  long this  emdr  will last  as  everyone is different and  keep  hearing  how  tired  this  whole  process  is  and  i am   one of those   people   that   seems  to  need  to recharge    batteries   frequently    so   can get going with my life   after   years of   being at a  full stop  but   one  day   hope fully will  recover  and   will  be all systems go   but i suppose   patience  is a virtue  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Invictus still here !!(lastbit)

Umm just  realised  that is  a  strange   title   really  what i am saying  is a long time since mentioned    Invictus (  but also  i am still here  must admit  my journey through the last  few months although  i am at last   having   treatment   for  my traumatic   life  they  reckon  i  have got complex-ptsd    which means has  had  various  traumatic    experiences  not just one  so may  take longer than the  average  to get   through )

I still   say invictus   to my self and  still messing the   words  lines    up and   really does not  matter    but  thought myself   “Y  do   u put off learning  the lines   about  the gate   think most   people  know the last   two “I am the master of my  fate   I am the   captain of my soul and  still  get  in a muddle   but    it is more of  a scream out  that i am in charge   not other people  !

As a person who has   suffered  (don’t like that   word ) but still it  will do  as  i  have  suffered   from my life   from the  aftereffects    the ptsd   man says be cause   no-one  really asks  what u would   like  to do and when  my words of  “No  i dont want   to  do that ”  sparks  off  physical  mental  sexual   abuse of  my child hood !!! yer  it does   kinda  make sense  even in my strange  way of   writing with   my ramblings .

I digress   think that  is   why  i always   have Invictus either on apiece of paper  thin poem book  by the  reader org  (  a charity that  does  listen to me ) and remember  the  last two lines   yer  i am in charge   not  f,..,,..,,… u   !!!

so why  i have   spent so long    not learning  the lines  about the  gate   kinda  got    although keep  thinking  just gate   and  thenyey “matters  not how stright  the gate     yer  it does   have  that   strange spelling   think  it  is something to do  with heaven  and    u dont   have  to be  a saint   to get to heaven  although  i have no back  gate    as  when  my   osepheagoeus  went black  last year  and got the  ambulance  out    it  kinda neve r shut on me again ( my front  door  does  shut  though obviously !!!   anyhow then the other  invictus bit about the   scroll    something   about  it being long   the  punishments   on the   scroll  something like that  !!! (   dont like  cheating and looking   but   do like  that line   makes me  think of my  long  very  long   well vvvvvvvvvvv  long line of   evil  deeds and  especially thought  having ptsd  makes u have intrusive thoughts   about people  and things   and honestly  would   chop my   hand off   if   said   it would make   then go !!!!! although would  want it done  under anesthetic !! NOW   comes  the   crunch y  have i taken so long to learn the  full  invictus  years ago  i  went to the liverpool central library with the reader org  going  back  about 9 years   much smaller   then  and   someone was    talking about   ted Hughes  and  said  he  had  not   read  all of  his   stuff as  once read    he would  nothing left to look forward  to and maybe     that   why taken so   long  but  yer   i have  kinda   got  the  lot  but  not kidding     Invictus  is   still  rather  mixed   so not  going to   give u   a Morgan freeman  saying of it  on u tube  or at least not yeT

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