Narnia and beyound !!

well can  hardly believe  tomorrow is the day i start  emdr  , as u  know have been  for  a  few  sessions   telling   Rob  my probs   (  well  not all )  and    finally   getting  people  to believe  that   it is   entirely possible   to have    2  or even  more  brain   disorders !!!  as stated  numerous   time   I   am  convinced   it is  ptsd   that  is the cause  of the   problems   but time will tell  .

Yesterday   despite   streaming  cold  managed  to get  out and  about to  two events  over in liverpool one   being  in  St Georges  hall and    was put together   by   volunteers     who  looked to  be having  great   fun    retelling the  story of  Narnia just going  to touch on it  briefly   here   as   cold is streaming   and  not kidding   u are   lucky to  get this little snippet  of my life  but  lets   say i adored  it and  kept   wishing   i had  known about  it sooner  as   would have loved  to have  volunteered to  help out  , i am not a  budding  actress   but   despite being   on ASD   spectrum   do like   pretending   to be  somebody else and  in the  few  community   things  been involved in it is a great way to   build  up confidence   .   ( maybe   next time  )

I  read  Narnia   as   kid  and just enjoyed the  story of going through the  wardrobe ( actually spent  a lot of   time  in my mums  wardrobe  banging  trying  to get through )

THeir   was   strange  lamppost  in my parents   road   which    reminded  me  of  Lucy meeting  MR    TUMAS   under the  lampost  but for  all this as  a child it  was  just the story  that i enjoyed  , it   was  not  til  rereading the  books    yeons   later  that  i realised their   was    a message     under all  this  snow  and  ASLAN    dying   and coming    back to life  umm JESUS   and the  christian  story   ahhhhh  don’t switch off  , i must  admit   i used to  go to church   regularly   mainly liked the stories  and  the singing   and  kinda   believe  their    must  be  something   after   this life    but actually  think what i  have   been going through  is  some sort   Narnia    honestly   I feel  as   been    in some  sort of winter horror land    although have met   a few  friends  on the  way  that would   not   have met    bit like  MR  TUMAS  and the  lovely beaver  family but  honestly hope   that  tomorrow    will  be    the  start of my  venture   back to  the proper   world   yer    visiting  Narnia  yesterday was   great   and  will stay  with me  but    would  not like  to go and  visit  tomorrow  or   next week   (  dont think open then   but still )   a brief   visit   was enough

I actually hate  the saying   what  does not  kill  you  makes   you stronger ahhh   don’t say that   but  i am  quite  sure  people   who have   visited  Narnia   in their own lives   may not   say has made  them stronger    but  has changed  their    viewpoint and when come   against  obstacles  in life   like  a  brick wall  see them as an opportinity  not  a  dead   end  ,  no  need  to   bang head    against  the wall but   prob  able   to   climb over    or walk  round well at  least hopefully perhaps  not if  trump  has his way  ha  he crops  up everywhere  enough prattle    Tomorrow  is another   day  hey ho  and   I am the master of my fate   I am the  master of my soul

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ptsd 4

Feeling  drowned  by appointments at the  mo  some necessary and some not ,  I need   alot of   space in between  things  otherwise  feel  going to  explode ROB  T (mr  ptsd  thinks  i am like  a phone that   needs  to be  recharged   quite    frequently ,.

After the  debacle  with the name  and someone  having the  audacity  to take my place it  was a case  of  if at  first   do not  succeed try again  and so off i went   4th time  lucky

Rob    examined my life   with the amount of times people  have not listened to me   and     explaining   how i know   what is best for me    with  regard to   being people   but  i am always  pushed to   be  longer   and longer with people and  the fact  that  have suffered  from different  forms  of abuse    along with  a car crash and  my landlord  being strangled   yer   deffo  ptsd  YES  at last  it is official   perhaps   something   can be  done , as explained to  Rob   my dream is to walk to   A  to B  with out   horrific thoughts  in head  no worries  we can do something !!!!

Rob  showed me   a small  box  and told me   we would  go through  various memories while  this box  would  let off  a ticking  noise and  he explained  how the   various trauma   in my life   has   done  damage to  brain i will  have to  investigate  this   fully  something about amgylada   or something and   two parts of the  brain  separating   on top of this   got the  aspergers and   brain hemorrhage  so  no wonder   struggling   but     at  long last  relief   and proper help    round the corner  or  so to speak  in 2  weeks  time  as    just my look  going off  on a  training week but  after  waiting all this  time   an extra   week not going to make   much difference !!!! I am  so  excited  but also worried    as keep being  told  the  emdr  may not  work on me  on account  of me being  autistic  umm  oh well   give it ago   as nothing to lose    I am the  master of my fate  I am the  captain of my soul .

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ptsd 3 !!! unbelievable !!! well

wow !! bit of  me really pleased   that    have finally  convinced   the powers that  b  that i have  ptsd   as well   as being   on autistic   spectrum amongst brian  hemorrhage  brittle  diabetic   but no more  violin  playing   as pointed  out  u can  have a  variety  of conditions   clamoring  up  yr   brian space not  just one !!!

I feel    I have   got myself   a small victory that   they are   going to help  me   hopefully get rid  of the ptsd  , i actually  have no   desire   even  if offered  to  me   to get   rid of  aspergers   that is  what makes me  me  !!! so to speak and  would  be petrified    my ,love   of reading   and  words  would  disappear !!!   may be   my grammer   would  improve though!!!!!!!

I was  told  that   i would be  seen for my following  app at a businss  type   park   by woodside  (  famous    song  ferry across  the Mersey)  blurb  which is  a bit  awkward to get to but  still   transport   not good  at mo  (  another  story   I digress  )     i  am nearly  always   early for  appointments    a popular    trait  of  being  aspergic    can count   on one hand  occasions   I  am late !!!!!  so mooched  around  and  was made up to get some   scouse  in  a local   cafe yum   it   was  slightly embarrassing  to meet   the ptsd  man   but  just laughed    “i am always   early ”  !!!

I am getting to  the  twist in the  story    with time to spare  went to the office   for app  to be   told by receptionist   that was   an   hr early  for app but could wait er no  my appointment is   1.00   showing  mobile  no its  not argue   numerous phone calls   sighing  i told  them i would   go  for  a wonder  and be    back later   so did   this  !!!

I have  never  been good  with mobile   losing   them  not  turning them on  u name it  so came   to no surprise to learn   that   they  had been   trying   to get in touch with me    but  was    a bit   horrified  to  find   he  had been  running   around  allover the  place   trying to grab hold of me (not literally)    to   tell me  that    their   had been  a mix up  as   WAIT  FOR IT       their  was  another  person with same name  of me   coming to appointment    one  lou  j  at   1  which  was me and another  at  2    so     they had sent  me  aw ay umm  ok   mistakes   do happen  and  Jones  is a popular name   please   dont say  common!!!!

I  think  he was   quite   pleased   that  I did  not  go full  blown hysterical   oh hum we   are   all human   but  when  i relayed  this story to  my Parents   asked    ”  dont   u  think   if  u have  a popular  surname   like  jones   u should have called  me  Thumbelina ,    the   reply   was  firm  NO way   u  seem  to have    enough  trouble  with  the  name Louise  !! ho hum

only few   days   wait  for  next app  though   and after   waiting  years for  help   few more  days  not going to make much more  difference !!

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Invictus 1 year on exactly !!

wow  It   is now   a since  since   went to   the  southbank  to read   Invictus at the   time i was   strolling  around merseyside  remembering   just the last   two   lines

I am the master of  my fate   I am the  captain of soul   and got   continously  mixed up   with which   came  first  fate  or soul  a pyschologist who  had  been  helping  with the  chronic  ptsd   said   “play games  with the words   while   strolling  around noone is  going  to know   are they and  better   then  swearing !!!  true I  cld get   an A  star   plus   cant fine  the  picture   thing  for  a  star   (   keep calm ) !I

I dont  like going  away but   if it is my choice wether   to  travel or not , think thats  part of  the   being on ASD   spectrum   i   cant remember    being  bored  ever  !!!! honestly   and  were i live on the wrral it  has everything  here  , well  not  mountains   but   can live with out them   so have  no desire  to   go anywhere  but i have   been  to london   numerous times   with   a reading  charity the  reader  org   without  hopefully causing   to much hassle  !!  have lost    count of  number of people  saying  never want to go anywhere with u   agian   with so many rules  and regulations  (  I dont see   what the problem  if   someone  has  taken  time  and trouble  to  write  a guide  book about   how to   travel   around   the   york   minster then  u should    follow  it   not just wonder  about   I did   go hysterical but that is another  story   !!!

TRIP  to  london was fine and saying   Invictus  with a group  of  3 others   was fine  although did  keeo  thinking   the mike   has fallen  off head  |( again  another  story )  At the   back of my  mind kept  thinking ”  well  its   not   just the last    two  lines  that    should be done    perhaps  the whole lot so thats  were  it began  .

OUT of the   night   that  covers me (love that bit often say  just the   beginning of it makes me think   one day  this  nightmare i am in will end  !)

 

Black of the pit  from pole to pole  ( yer that s were  my life  is a lot   not even  a candle lit )

I  thank  what ever gods  maybe   for  my unconquerable  soul ( well  i am still  here   kind of   although do at times  well  more  often then  tha t  the  only way out  is  death  and then be free  but  the  help with  the ptsd  has   arrived   that  is another   story )

In the  fell  clutch if circumstance i have not   winced   my head is   bludgeoned   but   unbowed  (  never really liked this as  said   bit of  a sweraholic  used to self harm  alot  but as people   have  told  me  the  things that   have happened  have  been caused   by other  people  not you so  yer  suppose ok  !

beyond this place of wrath and tears  lies the horror of the  shade  were  finds and shall find me  unafraid ( often have difficulty   with  this  its the   beyond    word  ha   just can’t get   head   round it   but then invictus begins  to  flow   and actually bit of  fun with  the tongue twister  finds and shall  find  me unafraid  but makes me  stop and think  the  alternative  to life   (death )  is really  the last resort  and  yes   help  is  slowly arriving    be it  in a drip  drip  fashion

Ha   well  this  is the   bit  that  am  really  have  trouble  with  the   stright   gate  business   not  got   head round it yet   and  got in a bit of mess   but its my game   which   i will continue    and perhaps    by the    anniversary  number 2   will be   word-perfect   bet u thought    would be   word perfect   by now had enough  time  but   actually as psychologist in Liverpool  said playing  around with  the poem is really what is helping u

oh yer  I am the  master  of my fate     i am the  master of my soul and maybe   i will  become  word  perfect and  maybe not   as entirely  up to me but  will have fun   trying      now just   got to get through that perkisome   gate !!

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ptsd help emdr 2

AFTER my first  meeting with Rob who is supposed  to be helping  with ptsd  with  living in hope  with Emdr  i was extemely down, i am  not  really a person who would  describe   is  really depressed  more   ANGRY   and it hopeless  saying tomorrow is another  day forget  about yesterday  the  same  thoughts  just flow round  and round !

I am still  quoting  to myself  bit  and  bobs of  Invictus  but   my life is fast  spinning out of  control with problems with osephegeous and  heart    not mentioning my very angry brain !!!

I was   really worried  that  he was  not  going to continue  with this emdr   therapy  that i have been waiting for so long  as i do not   have all the  symptoms of ptsd  I have thought  about this and my friend   told  me  of   her mum who was ill with pneumonia   but did not have all  the  symptoms   so went to see  him with all  guns blazing   and my thoughts  on what had  happened that   the  abuse i  had suffered  as  a kid and  actually people  very rarely  listen  to me  and the word  no !!!

The way  i view  is ptsd an  how it was   resparked making my life   and unbelievable nightmare  , as  told  ROB  it is like   being  frightened of a   toy and  the    toy  is put back in a  box   and hidden  away and then  just because    the box is  found  and reopened    the  nightmare  reoccurs  but this   time  a bit  like Pandora’s   box the   nightmare  can be  put back  in the  box   !!

I was   so relieved that    he  agreed   with me and  told me had         explained  self  very well     but then  told me  could not see  again but wait for  it he could  actually continue   but just  at a different place  ahhhh the  relief  , i was   then told    to think back all  my memories    and the   times   i have   said    NO dont want  to do that  and  not listened  to  !!!

I  made  my appointment for  early  pm    as  that   fits    me   better     as    find   it  very difficult to sleep  so   obviously   am not   an early  bird   when i told  my dad  he went  ballistic  u should have asked for  an early     app   to get   it over  and  done  with   but  i like  to take my time   and their goes    my first   item   of  saying  i would  rather   do it   this  way and being  totally ignored  .

I have not   forgotten   Invictus  although not   really done  the last  verse   and it  is a year  since  he   came  in to life   but   always their    just  thinking   first  line  OUT OF THE NIGHT  that   covers me   , i w ill get out of  this mess  OH YES I WILL      !!!

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Amedeus aspie !!

I saw that the  story  of  Amedus  motzart   fella     was coming to local  cinemas   been yeons    since seen the  movie  and  could   not remember much abt    it    besides  the   rock me   song  whcih is  not the  great man

I have  actually   visited  his  boy hood    home    in Salzburg    not that i went to visit   him  more   because    i   liked  the   sound of music   !! sos  theirs  my street   cred  out   down the   grid    and would not    visited his   home at  all   if not    for mum and  her mate   insisting  onit !!

I  had told  my mum for  yeons   this  was   going  to be on late   so to    have a  a nap but  did  she  have  a anp no  she  did not  !!!  and yes  !!! u have  guessed  the plot  she began  to doze  off although admittedly   took while  to get into it !!

This   was   were   ptsd   went mad and could not  concentrate thinking  mum should not  have  visited   her  friend as  could  have done  any old week   why have  to go today !!! blah  blah   actually  nudged  at her one point      ” u might as well go home !!!

My ptsd   began to  calm down  although the worries of not being able  to find  diabetic stuff was  at back at mind (that’s  another   story .

I   have had a mild fascination as   he  is  known to  be  on the  autism  spectrum and  nudged  mum at one  point and  said  he  is like  me   umm yes  ranting  and raving and talking   goobbly gook   (   charming  as ever )

music    never changes  and neither  really  does the    dialogue  of   films  theatre   wotever  but i myself  does   and so do people   i was  more  obsessed  with Amedues  and his autistic  tendencies but  last night   more intrigued with   the relationship of SALERI and    AMadeus as    found him fascinating  strange    not evil  with what  he did    just  consumed with   jealousy  and   unlike    cant have too much  talent  inone place   not like  tv which  is overrun with     singing  / talent  contests but at the    same time  imagine what else   would  have   composed  if he had been co operative  instead  of  competing

We meet    people  like Saleri  in life    (  oh yes   we do   perhaps  not going as far as  him but   in the  s supermarket   were    people  zoom to  at till when  it opens  not  caring  who they c trample   on  their  way to pay for   groceries

At  a buffet  when someone   takes  a huge  plate of  food  not caring   of the  many people   who are    waiting  in the   q  behind !!! think just  need  to feed  their  ever-growing egos

T he   biggest   flaw  was  the  green eyed   monster  which i think   hides  somewhere    in all of us   and as  the   emperor  said   THERE it is  then

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ptsd meditation invictus

JUst realised  how that   title  looks  and does not  really make sense   but if  i have ptsd   really is not  easy to  meditate  as mind is  so restless   well more than restless  more like insomniac . I    quite   frequently  try to repeat   the  words  of invictus     and  today  was  telling  friends   how i  have learnt most of it  although  do get   muddled  up   why don’t  u learn bits of the  beetles    ahhh  yes  but   it  wont be  invictus so  different  words  so wont have the  same effect   as pointed out to  my friends   look at the  first two  lines

Out of   the  night that  covers me  black  as the  pit as pole from   to pole  just saying  that makes me feel  one  day this  nightmare of  ptsd  will  leave me  and  will be out of  the dark and back in the pole  and then the last few   lines  I am the master of my fate   i am the  captain of  soul   always   remember   that  i am in charge of my life and NO+ONE ELSE  so NO   good  asking if should  quote  beetles  songs  will really  not have the same  cooling down effect  on my brain

MY friend said  it might  cause    u more stress  if forget words  and maybe  should  learn other things  but actually  no i enjoy playing  around   with the words and  even if   forget  them like the   3rd  versey thing  i seem  to forget the menace of   the  years thing  i enjoy   putting other  words   such as   the   awful   years   the hellish years  ahhh  no  invictus man is right  the mennace of the  years   deffo is  the best   way   but u can see   how my  head   kinda  cools   down  playing around with  invictus   year and not  kidding  been messing  abt  with  it for  nearly a year   and   still  only  just about  getting  their  but if  u had a church  congregation  how many  people  cld quote  the  lords prayer    without  getting  mixed  up and   does it matter !!

A   doctor   told  me  would not be able  to  do  any of the  calming down things  like  mindfulness/   traditional   meditation although  have not    really  put that much  effort in but   meditation is supposed to  have immeditate  help   but  really don’t  think  will have much  effect on a ptsd  aspergic meltdown   but    maybe   saying  a sentence   from invictus  and  a couple   deep  breaths  is also  worth weight in cold  what ever  that is .

 

meditation  with practice is   supposed to be   as easy as counting to 3  but not if suffer  from ptsd

Posted in aspergers, invictus, meditation, mental health, poetry, ptsd, Uncategorized | Leave a comment