#Iamautistic #wordsof advice @kthopkins

dear  Katie ,

Last  Thursday I  decided  to watch the    programe   born  naughty  as  these   programmes  hold  an interest to me  as I  myself  am on the   autistic   spectrum !!

I watched  Honey and  thought   to  myself  here is a family  who is   trying  to find out  what is wrong with  their daughter to  have such  meltdowns  whilst  at other  times be extremely  pleasant and caring child  , it struck me that their other  children seemed not to have such  problems  so  could  not  be the parenting  style .

I  myself  have  aspergers  (form of  autism )  and ptsd as a result  of the amount of trauma in my life so I myself known what it  is like not to be in control of your emotions  and go  totally hysterical  because  something as simple as a shop design being  changed  can  send u more or less  hairless !!!

I had thought  that  other people in the  country  would  be  feeling the   same  as me   so i was horrified   when  heard on the  media  what u   had  posted on  twitter  , i realise    this is  have made  a name for  yourself   by   making  controversial  comments but   amazes   that u  think so   differently  from other people on social  media

The   reason  i took for  the  parents   having a diagnoses  was  that   they could  get   help for their  daughter as   i myself  am  autistic  i know that  being  with the  right people  and the   right  enviroment makes all the  difference  !!

i REALLY   FELT   for honey  when she   was unable to  tell the  story  of the   3 pigs  I must  admit   i am   someone  who finds  story telling  relatively  easy but   everyone is  different  and that   is what makes the   world  interesting.   I noticed  she  was  really   panicking  when asked   to do  and felt for her  !!  I   am autistic    but  am able to feel   for other  people   mainly because  of  my love of   reading   which i have  been  obsessed with  since a  toddler   reading helps  you see  another  prospective

I  have  been   extremely  ill in the  past  but    i belong to   a reading  charity where  small   groups  of people   read  books  together  and discuss  things   through   doing  this   you  learn   lots of  different   view  points and maybe   learn to see   things   differently !!!

I am  not sure   wether  you have heard   of mark haddon who  wrote  the   curious  incident  book  but   I suggest  you  have a read  if  u  are in the  merseyside  area i will give  u copy  through reading that book or seeing  it on stage will perhaps make u see how  difficult  it is for people like  myself  to travel  and do what   so-called normal  people take  for granted   take care  and  i really  hope   u  read this   and maybe  take my advice  i really  think it  might make the  world of  difference

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#Theboyin thestripedpyjamas #aspietheatre

LiverpooI heard   just before    christmas  that   their was   a trip  going  to Liverpool   to see  the boy in the  striped  pyjamas  . I  think most people   have  either   read the   book or seen the    film so yes  knew  exactly  what happened at the  end  !!

The  reason we were  going   was that i do volunteer   work for the  reader org  and   we  occassionly  have  a jaunt / trip ou  not    sure  wether   this play goes nder that  thought !!

I knew  a few people   that  said    they did  not want to  see  the  play  as  to   horrific   but   i agreed  to go as   think  drama or   literture    are  a good   way to  make  sure  that people   and their   stories  live on

My main worry was not the   story   or the   content   but  the   fact that  the   people  around me  may be   loud u prob  would sit their    totally  oblivious to  every    crunch of  sweets    chat  but not me  so  that  WAS   my main worry  and so  was   relieved to  be  siting   by  people  i vaguely  knew  i  never mentioned the   reason for  my dislike   of noise  but  made it  clear i would goxxxxxxxxx .kg.g.gk.hvv  (get the picture)

I  WAS  QUITE  relaxed   til   realised the  theatre   was filling  up  with school  kids   AHHHH  NOOO  BUT     dont  judge   louby   the   kids  who were  siting by me  were  fineb is  and   actually  got into  conversation  with them asking   “if read the book etc” I  watched  the   film of   this  a few years   back  and must   admit it   played a round  with my head  and today   can see it vividly but   don’t  think  anything  shocks   so much  the   2nd  time  as the    first   time  u see  her anything !!

The  story of    two  boys   who made   friends  over a   barbed wire  and  seen through  a  child  eye  were  they  are  still  vaguely innocent of the  wickedness of man  although the   questions   that  Bruno  asked  were   extremely truthful   such as  Hitler is  our leader but   why is life so  bad !!

It   struck me  throughout   how little   props were  needed in this  production  but    they were   so effective  the  movement of   going  from one  side  of the  fence to the other  and how   everyone worked as a team

Both  boys  were perfect;y cast  Bruno by  Jabez  cheeseman and   Colby  Mulgrew as  shmuel perfectly showing   the   energy of  one little  boy and the   tiredness of the other   both   exactly  the  same   birthday but  such different  lives   just because of  fate !!

At  certain times   during th  play   film were  shown in the   background  which  were  very effective  not  taking place of the   stage  action but   making  u aware of the   growing threat

Love is    blind so  they say and   this  was shown through Bruno s    older  sister   who was   besotted  with  her boyfriend  and could see   no wrong  in the regime of the  third  reich  as  said  love is   blind !!!

Through the  friendship   both   boys  flourish and  you almost  forget   what is goingon in the background   but it is  always their  !!  lurking   ready to bite   like that  fateful  day when they  go to  look  for Shmuel;s   dad   with   awful consequences   which  think always    stay in my mind !!

It always  amazes me  does  not matter  how  powerful the  play is  go for a cup of  coffee  and it is  soon forgotten but is  it   !!!!!

but mad it

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#Grandnational #memories

It is    here  that   great   racing  day i  always   feel their is a   strange  feeling in the  air on  this   day    you can almost  sense the   excitement in the air  and   although live   over    the  water   from liverpool    it is  strangly   spooky !!

I have  nearly  always bet on the  National   and ignore  races and  horses   for another   365  days  think that is right !!!

I   do  not  understand    really the   form thingy although my dad    has  explained   it to me   on numerous  occassions  for  me to  for get the  next year .

I am still getting over that i  now  put  my own    bets on after  her told   me  afew  years    back  to do it myself !!

I  smirked   to myself this morning as the  lady in the  betting  shop  made  a bee line to help me   how   do u   I am  a once a year  betting  person  ”  ahh  u can just tell ”
I tend  to   do  a mixture   of  going on form   or   the  name    or   just  a mad    fling    which  did  me  fine for  years  but   have  not won for   a while  so going  wrong  somewhere !!!

My dad  only bets  on one  horse  to win as   does not  see    the point of   each way   bets   and   having    numerous horses   !!!   but  each to their  own

I remember  being     diagnosed     diabetic and insisting  on being taken  down to the day  room to watch the tv    no such fun  these   days as   everyone  in hosi   does    their own thing   with  little   tv  screen   .

I   would  not feel the  same  excitement  of    watching the  National  by myself   and  remember a   few  years   back   going to  visit my dad   to be told   he  was  watching  it in a local  pub   , i was    duly    horrified    y   was nt  he   watching  it    with me   it was   what  we do  each  year   he   was  gobsmacked    by my disappointment    nothing  to   do with the  horse  race but  he   wasnt  doing  what   we  always do !!

My  mum  does   not bet  any more  she used    to due to  the   horses  being hurt   everyone   to their own views    on this  but   the  race is    much safer    these  days  and has  been going on  for     roughly  175   years    with   really  not that  many casualties

well  its  all  over  and  McCOY   came   5th   and  i had  done  him to win   but i enjoyed  the  excitement  and looking forward to the  excitement   this  time  next year !!

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#reiki #ptsd #ruminatingthoughts #emdr

umm not   at all well   at the mo think said    this  the other  day    a friend   told me   yesterday if  i wrote  things   down it helps  , I found  yesterday    also    doing   any thing  that u have  to  concentrate  on helps  even  when it is  something   relatively simple   like  face book  games  as  u   have to concentrate  on the  patterens and   shapes u r making !!!

My thoughts   are whirling  out of  control and  i cant   get  out of my head the   things   that have happened  to me in the past  (abuse ) and  people not listening  to  the  word  NO    which means  no  even doing the   most  simple thing if u say no that is   what it means

Yesterday   I went to   a mental health    group   it  is  not much help as    it is  very basic  my  needs   are to  put it    simply is quite complex  !!!!

I go mainly   as u are  able to   take  part in     various  health     therapies  for   a   small donation

i had  taken a  leaflet on  emdr    but  i think   i was   not making    clear    what it meant and   was over   people  heads  but a  light   shone  the   therapist  had heard of  it   and  said   it  was the   new  flavour in mental  health

I  told the   therapist  Siobhan  that  my health   had taken a   nose  dive    and my thoughts    would   not stop    ruminating  and she    asked it   it  had  got  worse     since  the    eclipse  the other  week and the  answer    was yes   wow  she  told me   things  often moved about  and caused   things to change interesting !!

I had the   reiki    treatment  which i always   enjoy and   felt  the  heat in my head   after   Siobhan   told me my head was ultra  busy  and  suggested   meditation  which is   something    mean to   get into   !!

I felt  alot  calmer  but  sadly this   only lasted  for   ashort  while  and the   ruminating   thoughts  were  back AAAAAAAH   do i have  to  live  like this for  ever if so  I dont  want  to the mental   pain is  to  much put   it this way  if i developed    cancer i wo uld  refuse     all treatment   but  then  writing   this   down help s and   i am   on the  waiting   list  for help   although    the help  may come to late  !!!  as  when will    the   appointment   come   through the  post how  long  is  a piece of string !!  deep breath   and carry on

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#ptsd #emdr #stress

I have been     totally   stressed  out with the  thoughts in my head  going   round  and think I have told    u this before   I  always  have good  intentions   but     that  is  the   one thing   u can not hide  from  and that is yourself    keep  saying why    did   that happen  and if   only  i try and  keep  self  busy   but mind   wont let me !!!  t

I was  at    rest  for   awhile as  at   a  volunteers   meeting  about   reading    that is  my thing  and  although the  meeting  was  long  and  drawn  out   the   ruminating   thoughts   did   stop   although  wish  they would  realise   not   old  people   bei  like   having poems  read to them   and   some people   are   able to  cope   with   being   read  a proper   novel so  at time  got fed up   but on the  whole it was  good !!

Not long after  leaving    the   thoughts   happened  why    if only get the   u get the  picture  and  my teeth were   clenching   here we go again   !!! am i   going to  be like  this for ever    i   begin to  feel    suicidal  imagine   living   the   rest  of my life   with these  thoughts    DRIVING ME CRAZY  !!!

mONTHS    AGO   I  told   my gp   abt my stress  and   strains and they  put me  down  for  emdr   or  something like th at   which  were    u  relive     your  distressing   traumatic     life  doing  something    with   your eyes  but that   was  6 months   ago  I remember  cause  my mum broke  her leg  !!!

My argument   is   a  bad leg   is seen to   straight away but a distressed  mind   is left to  struggle   getting hotter  and  more   distressed  I  sometimes  have suicidal   thoughts    but think    the  powers   that  be have won   and     I feel    the  urge  to fight on   seeing  that  other people   have the   same probs   helps   out   ta for   reading   deep breath   carry on !!

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#holidays #aspiestyle

I   don’t like  change   i am  happy with  everything  in the  routine mode of  u go here on a Monday  and here on  A SATURDAY  and never the   twain will  change !!!

I  know  people on the   autistic  spectrum don’t   like to do  things  different  and  I am wondering   why !!!!!

My personal view is   i  am happy  where i am which is  Birkenhead    on the  Wirral  we   are not  attached   to that  place known as  Liverpool  although  people  often think we are !

I adore    where I live   because   I am not  far  from the   sea   city or  country   so have  no great  need  to  travel and  see  things   although  I have  been  known  to do so

The reason I don’t like   going on holiday is the preparation and  the  main thingbout  my aspie   me   is i have  to have  books with  me so u will  never  see  with a little tiny bag    as    i have   an  incredible urge  to carry thing s especially  books  and no a kindle   wont  do  as it is not the same as a book

so when   I go on  holiday   i like to  take    loads of books and also  like to  follow  guide  books  when I  get theirs   it  just makes   me feel safe  although one  day  I was taking   a group   of  friends on a walk only to   find   an estate built-in the middle of the   walkway   this  caused   me  quite   a bit of  stress as we  were not going  the   right  way  and  no end  of ” does it matter   if we    go a  different  way would   pacify me   although can laugh at  it now !!!

My parents are  at the moment  on holiday  in Llandudno some sort   of carers break as i am there  daughter!!!!  umm leave it their

This has been caused  by    lots of mishaps  we  have  been reading  about the  awful weather  all week   and if  it is one   thing u cant  control it is the weather but u still don’t want  to hear  about  it  “gales and rain this weekend”   even if it is  true !!

My mum broke  her leg  last October and has been getting on ok but   twice now has  decided   to wash her hair in the   sink downstairs   which somehow causes   muscles etc things to  go all wrong  and at the time of writing  she was walking like a tortoise /robot on a bad day

My dad was muttering   “every time we   go away and why do we bother  i told them to cancel which quieted  things down  and yes they did  go

 A few hours     got  a phone call  from mum to say they were  ok she had  been in the   hotel all day and my  dad  ha d a brisk walk  on the front   but this was making  me  fume  “why go on holiday   and  sit in a room    why not  stay at  home    fume mad  mad  I could feel  myself  exploding  but    suppose    what I got to  remember   is  each to their   own   and  live  and let live  !!!  deep breath

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i have not long  come  back from a very  posh do   in the centre of  LOndon ,their  was  a mixture of  people   from all works of life and a  few very well  known people  ,  I always   find when going  to these places    which may be  considered   really posh and out your  comfort   zone to    think of these people  on the lou  or eating  breakfast with bits  slipping  all over  the place  .

Most people i met  were  lovely but their   was one  who  seemed  to be out of   sorts a dn not  a bit like   the  person  he portrays  normally.

This   reminded me  of a story when i have   dipped   in and out  of  ZEN philosphy  so here we   go

Once upon a time their was   very big-headed    man who visited  a  zen master   for  a cuppa  as u do   no idea   where  this was  so the  zen man  made his tea  were   he  continued to pour and pour  into a  mug   and in the end  it was   totally over full  and  spilling all over the  place  (  u get the  picture \)

AAHHHH  said  mr  big head  what  r   doing   it is  overflowing  stop  pouring  he  said

and  Mr   ZEN    told him why  the mug  was overflowing   ummm  this mug  is full of  your opinions  and   all your  view points  and  what   u have  done  in the past   used to empty   yourself   to rid   yourself  of the past and  view  the present !!!

I  am not  suggesting u try this   at home  but   remember   if u are at a place   with lots of    big big-headed   people    pour a cup of  tea   and going  back to the   do in London   at the   end of  life  we  are all  =      their  ends  the lecture   for today

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