Two gentlemen of verona

Ages  ago   I booked this , must be honest in thinking  was  going panic ,  Lou u don’t know this story,and  must admit find Shakespeare and  his comedys  well  have to   concentrate  a bit too much to  laugh

I  decided  on seeing  various  flyers   it looked  great fun and as  I get  cheaper  tickets  due to  having to someone with me due to my noise fetish ( aspergers)   time for a plea u never know may be siting  next  to someone  on the  autism  spectrum who  finds  every rustle  of sweet paper like a bomb going off and get  very upset  and  do my  famous glary face  and  have been known to complain on such things on local radio so JUST DONT EAT TIL BREAK consider  yourselves told !!

NOW   forget  sweet  rustling back to two gents  , tickets  booked off i went   I  always get to  were going  early just incase i cant over  the river , so left Birkenhead with loads of time  to spare ,  last time  i met my friend at theatre she was late due  to bus  going  through  wrong tunnel but i am like  well leave  with hrs to spare  and wonder  Liverpool  (no excuse )

My friend had arranged to meet me in the upper bar of  everyman so thought easy enough the  one upstairs  so got their no sign of her   got bit  frazzly as did not really want a  drink but got one  as that’s  what u do in bars  and waited  waited  and waited  til texting  saying lou needed lou and went to get seat  only to find my mate siting their as been  downstairs  in other  bar  downstairs  but  u said  upstairs    ahhhhh keep calm  I am the  master of my fate I am  the  captain my soul  keep calm and  deep breaths before   transported  back to 60s and  the time of love and of  course  Shakespeare and mixupps   just like  me with bars . I was glad  had  brief   read  of play before  hand  and   on the  whole followed it   although  can see   Mr  Shakespeare  does  improve   the more of  this   writing  malarkey   he  does  on the   whole  easy  enough to follow  with  usual  mixup  2   best mates   valentine and Proetus  who  are BFF(best friends forever )  til  a mix up with girls Silvia  and   Julia must admit at the interval  had to ask mate and people  siting  by me  who  was the dark  one and light one and of course  the usual  mistaken  identity    that   Shakespeare    is so keen on doing so yer    was pleased with self on the  whole  as  only had   a quick skim of plot earlier on  one day i will go to a Shakespere  play with having  read none of it  ha  (  but have read  alot of  stuff ) thats  another blog though   so all well  that  ends well   had a lovely meal a t  yet another  new place  lovely greek place  , not the worlds best at trying  stuff  new but sometimes  worth doing  something different   as KUKOS  bottom of renshaw   street  will  be on my list of places   to go

great lovely day but  hearing    of the   football scores  and not to happy to hear of  my blue nose team  losing last  kick of   game but cant   have it all
I am the captain of my soul    I am the  wotever of my fate   ahhhhh  mind block another  day   dooms tomorrow   and yer  i know  shld   finsh with Shakespeare  but no one  day  like Invictus  will come out of the night  that  covers  me  !!

ha  lot  of prattle  who cares







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getting their Invcitus

OUT of the night that  covers me black as  the night from pole to pole

I thank what ever gods maybe for m unconquerable  soul

In the  depth clutch of circumstance I have  not winced or cried aloud

my head is  bludgeoned but unbowed  I have not written  this  down very  well sos  but  i am tired    maybe  something to do with being  sloth day  but yey   think have got  the  first 2 verses of Invictus  put  firmly  in my head   looking at the poem it is not   to long or difficult  to learn but  for someone like me  who head dips  about all over the place and  can’t concentrate  for long  without ptsd monster  entering my head u will forgive  me if  feel  quite  good about this on the whole  been an ok  day ha

I often wake up with ptsd   and struggle to get the intrusive thoughts out of head so thats y do  things in slow motion and have got into habit of  siting with quilt over head and reciting slowly   I enjoyed  myself  as a whole   the  big  downer  which  has not effected  me to much  i have  come  to  stay with my parents for the night as  mum and i like to watch the apprentice  together  , just found out  only  got one type of insulin   with me  but it will  see me   through the night and  will  just have to have nought  to eat   til  get   home  but no big calamity i will survive  (  ha lucky u   cant  hear me  singing )

I  am the master of my fate   I am the  captain of my soul



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singing mental health

I like  most of  us admit to  not having  much of a   voice  but  have heard on countless  times  how good   it is  for  your health . i adore  singing  and  like most kids   pretended   to be  some sort of  star  singing  into hairbrushs, this  dream ended  for me   at a singing  contest at  school  were  everyone  in the  class had  to sing in a  competition , to be told   by a teacher   that  i had to mind  spoilt    talk   about souring  the  medicine  with  a  spoonful of sugar   !

Awhile  back a couple of my friends i  had met in  a  reading  grp  set up a  grp  to sing in local  homes for  people with alezimers   every one  can sing  i had been told , ummm but its   one thing  i can do  i  can let myself  go and  mange to  get  people  forget their problems  and   worries  abt   the   gas  bill, and  dance i would  never   win   strictly but  a bit like  Ann widdicome   and  Edd  Balls  very entertaining  !!!

I sang  and   danced   for a while  til  it  was all  becoming a  bit to  frequent for me  and  being  on public  transport  getting  around the  Wirral  is relatively   difficult ,  actually  easier   for me  to get   over the  river  to  Liverpool  to travel from one side of   peninsula   to the other !!

I have  to be   careful  how much interaction  I have   with people  as  too much and  i explode  which  i did   do as    going to homes  were people  were  really ill   was to  upsetting   especially when  i was  honest  and  pleaded  with  the  grp  not  to go anywhere  upsetting  so  one day i was  jdbv\dskjvbsvn on the  phone  and singing   grp was  no more !!

This led    to me singing  at home  in my flat funny  how had  no proper  neighbour for  nearly  a year now . not so long  ago  a singing  cafe  opened  its doors   in a church  the   posh   side  of wirral, and was   a  roaring  success  drinks cakes    50p and  a sing along   what more   cld u ask for   err   bit easier  for  me  to get  to !! without getting  up at the   crack of  door .

So with  great  Joy heard   singing   cafe was  opening  my side of the  Wirral and so  although had  bad  hypo in the  night   good  excuse  to  eat choc  off  i went must  admit  nearly  did  not  go as  wanted to know  what the  football  score  was last night   but  0_0 against  lfc  and mufc  suited  myself a  blue nose  evertonian  fine   so off  i went   and  enjoyed  myself singing   oldy worldy songs and  even a little  dance with   no sign of  evil  ptsd  entering my head , felt  in such a good got  an expensive  coffee   on way  home

Autumn  is  beginning to make   it self  felt  but this  did   not  dampen my spirits  and  kept  repeating  my invictus \OUT OF  THE  NIGHT THAT  COVERS ME BLACK AS THE PIT FROM POLE   TO POLE  yer   maybe  this  was  turning point but  no   good  mood   did  not last  much longer  as  cld   not  find  my charger  for phone  right   will   have to  get   new  one djfnjskddsd,n  words   came  into head and   then  found out  the   bins were  full of the wrong stuff , i  live over a shop and  they  just  don’t  get the art of  papers  in one  bin and other   rubbish  other one  simples  found   my   charger  so all well  ,

I  am the master of my fate   I am the  captain of my soul

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#Invictus #mentalhealth

hey  hae been doing this in my head but not writing any thing down lazy bones  as  far to stressed   with  well life   often find  its the  small things in life that    get me going not  the  big , i was  fine in the summer  when my  niece  aged  6  was  staying with my parents   and took  her to the  hospital a, where  i was relatively calm cld  but  be  something  to do  with   i having spent  alot of my  life in hospital , does not faze me, and yer  was  lucky not suspected   meningitis   but  a chronic was  ear infection  although  bit (miffed  to say the least  when  DRS were not sure abt  putting a drip up as my parents  and myself  were not   next of kin how mad   to leave  young kid ill and very stressed  and not doing the best for her , i tell  u was  getting  very hot and bothered ,  the  rest of the   family had gone to rock concert and cld not be  got hold of but i am the  master of my fate  captain of my soul and stood  my ground  and soon they relented  and a drip was inserted amidst much amateur   dramatics (must run in family) and alls well  ends well .

In the last week my kettle  went bust  to someone who drinks  gallons of liquid aday cant all be blamed on diabetes (badhabit ) this was a  disaster to make me chronically distressed  and a few days of  drinking luke warm drinks was  to many to mention so got a new kettle  an expensive one fora change  fingers crossed  it will last more than 6 months only to find not   quite  right  when got home  explodeing time and ptsd  went berserk !!!!!!!!vcvs acnbd e words unprounacable sprrouting and   biting on things  calming me down (not)   although friend  did  tell me it  takes awhile for a kettle to settle in its  new home , never heard of settling in probs  of kettles  but seems to  be true  as  soon the  drinks  became  warmer and more settled   began  to feel slightly calmer  and sat on bed  and remembered my good  friend Invictus , umm think have mastered 2 verses , I took my time and tried  to slow down breathing before  remembering the words of comfort

Out of night  that  covers me!! (although sometimes  say comforts, me now that  deffo does go

Black as the pit from pole to pole  I thank whatever god maybe for my unconquerable soul yey 1 verse  done now 2nd

something about a bloody head oh yer because of  bad life ,er circumstance

In the  depth clutch  of circumstance I have not winced or cried alone although my head is  bludgeoned or is that  bloody or unbowed , i am convinced  i  heard Donald  trunp  say the  something  abt is head  being bludgeoned  this was very upsetting to hear this keep hoping i imagined it  yer try again i will learn this  whatever (don’t groan)  try again

In the depth clutch of  circumstance i have not  winced or cried aloud (not alone ha )  my head is  bludgeoned  but unbowed  yer that’s it  cool  2  verses  done 2 to go and yer i feel the  end is looming  but I am the master of my fate and will fight on !!






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#invicus #mentalhealth

Not  having the best of days   been ultra  stressed  with   ahhhhh  ptsd thoughts raging also on top of that  my blodds are ultra high and  mean high  they tend to be on the   high side  anyway  but over   25   is ultra high  but    given loads of insulin and just have to    wait  for  the insulin  to take  effect  .  ( this   really sounds like woe is me get the  violins out  but if u knew  me  i only   really tell  people  i am yuk when really am  cos nought nothing  anyone can do )

I think got   the  first verse  of invictus  off to a tee and  can  say it  no bother   although  the first  line  makes me pause  and  then tend to  shout OUT   ahhh thats it   i was wondering  what  the   difference  to  my health  the poem creates    when  i say the  poem  out loud  and  my body  tends  to be  more looses and my body seems  to come out of   its  tense pose  i reckon look  like some creature  which   is turned  to stone and then  seems be able to move   i drink  far to   much coffee   , i know i do  but  their  u go  i know i shld  not as get  the  most   horrific  heartburn  and  my head  feels   very tight  when the   evil ptsd  strikes  but   i have to  make   a real effort  for it to leave  someone told me  to say  go away but   to no  affect .

Don t really like the  second  versy  thing  of invictus  maybe     due to   having aspergers  i dont like  to say things   that   are not true   and   saying  In  the  fell  clutch of  circumstance   i  have not winced   or  cried  aloud   i scream well  i have  i am always  ranting  and raving   but often  think of   Nelson Mandela   when read that   bit    and think  surely  he  was the  same  !!!


I am not   a fan of  big words  but  been reading   abt the   sympathetic  and parasympathetic  systems and   they  are  a bit like  ying  yang really  u have  to both working kinda  of  in tune together  to function    well  would  hate   to hear the  noise my systems    make , the  para   one is all to do with fight and flight   and had someone   say your  adrenal glands   are   going   way off to kilter  prob  due to the    continual stress and  just  get things out of my head  ( sos  kylie )as well as   my friend   Invictus   for some   absurd  reason have started  to think of   him as  a person  no idea  y  along  with  learning    the  fore mentioned  poem  i am obviously  writing more this   helps and  really  shld try   this breathing  malarky ot where u go in and out   but  deep breathing and  let   these systems get  in some  sort of   order  perhaps    if i   could do my breathing  they reckon   10 mins  which sounds   6  mins  to  long  to  me  but still  think it may  be worth     doing  breathing  followed  by   my friend   invictus  and seeing how things    go from their and  see what happens  and end  it all with a lovely  s t  r  e t ch    believe that does  wonders  !!

out  of the  night   that covers me    yer  eventually one day     I  am the  master of  my fate   I am the   captain of my soul



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#Invictus #mentalhealth

I  am slightly amused    when told   someone   about #invictus   and  how t may help me  with struggle   with ptsd   (  violins out ) and she said  still dont get  it  but morgan freeman did   that  well  if he  can learn   it by heart   so can i  does   not own it     does  he  must  admit  the name     ring a bell    but  not getting  an answer .

I have  decided to move on  two the   second verse   if u call  it that , although   not over keen   on it   as the bit    throught out   something   circumstance i have not  winced or cried  aloud   so when   ever i come across  t hat but      get  bit aggiated   as not  true  but after    much thought  hey ho does it matter  i am still here  alot  of times i think   right  no more  of this  let go off   to the  better  place   if   theirs  such a thing but     i honestly  dont  pour my heart    out to every  living  soul and    and  tend to do  what  most people  do   hi lou  how    r u   oh  i am fine  and walk  on by  !!!

yesterday  was an okish   well it  went bit  wrong as it often does   ,  not been able to find blood machine  so    just guessing my insulin dose   not  a good  idea on long term  but surviving   i know  when going   wrong    as the  dreaded    thirst  appears  and  i   go   from place   getting   drinks  for  myself ,   i do    not help , matters  by saying a hh high as   kite  lets    have cake from mates    cafe  although i think  it is  healthy cake  if such a thing .

went to   library book grp i had been   under such stress   with  government  stuff   that   had  put the book n hold    as  culd  not concentrate  and the   book  is now  wrecked  but   u r thinking   she  has  harmed   a library book but no  it s my own n ot that is an excuse  , alot of the  time i am   relatively chatty   but   sometime   realise   not on the    same  page  as  everyone   else  so  to speak  and  maybe  shld   keep  certain   comments  to  my self  but     wether   its part of  aspergers    find   it  hard  to  keep quiet   when  know people are  not getting what   trying to alot of   time   with   certain social   things   i think   to myself why   bother   i cant seem  to  do this  polite    conversation   malarky and   say what i think oh well  i am the master of my fate not me  and   i  have   to live  with me    all the  time   and other  people  only   have to  put   up with me hr or so  !!!

Decided  to   go to local theatre  not   far  away  not sure  who  else going  just go  on the off chance it was  a comedy   version of macbeth so  thought   yer   have u ever heard of  such  a thing   so off  i went  i have lived  in Birkenhead  all my life  so  how    i got slightly lost  is beyond  me but the rds  do    look kind of the same  and approached  theatre   and it was all  shuttered off  , how   dare they   not open it  up  but i looked  at   various paper   things  and   hey    Macbeth   comedy version  was   last week    alot of the  time this happens things go wrong  and  i  tense  up and shoulders go in ward  kinda mumbled  along out of the  night  that covers  me  always   want to say black still  and even bits  of second  verse    i have not   winced or  cried aloud no big  deal go to asda  and it  is   quiet and   will   pick up    bargains galore    hey ho must do    this again , maybe not  for  along time   something  going  wrong  and  came home must admit  kicked oof a bit     mainly  for life  of me  cld   not remember if taken nightmare   insulin sl  took a  gamble   and took it   again    I  am the master of my fate after all



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#Invictus #mentalhealth

ahhhh   spent  most of  the day   and   of last night   in one hell  of a state  and   if  being brutally honest   most of last night  in  a  very dark place ,    I  tossed and turned   for most of the  night   extremely     narked     and at the  same time  thinking  one must   stop   drinking so much coffee but    everyone  need a  vice  of some sort and  thats mine  .

I dozed  off and  woke with at   start  and was horified  to fine out   was nearly 10  and  was going  to calderstone s park for  1.00  although a  little   voice    kept saying  plenty of time   i like   to  do  thi ngs       s  l o  w   l   y so don’t panic   which i did  the  slightest  thing   starts the  ptsd  , i was going  to visit  the  reader  org    BASED    in    an old house  in a beautiful   setting  but   when my  mind   is  so  ugly with intrusive  thoughts i cld      be in the  garden of  eden and    would  not make   much difference  .

I was raging  absolutely    a bull  has nothing  with me  and  tend to  bite  things w when  things   go out of  control  , someone told me  my ptsd  has made   me go back intime    to like caveman status, i did   try  and remember     my other  fave  thing    makes  me sound   as if   auditioning for    the   sound of music all these  fave things    but no   the  last  two   lines  of  Invictus calling but    to tell the  truth doing  nothing   for me , i think sometimes  i should   call on my Hopkins   friend  much sooner   cos sometimes  it is  to  late  and  their   is no way   to  mow  into my thinking

i met various   people  on my travels     like most  people  when   asked   if  i am  ok  , i go  yes fine  but today cos  so distressed   i  was like   no mi am not good , but  u cant do anything  ahhhh   and then feel guilty as  really  dont   want to  pour   my worries  onto    other  peoples  shoulders    , we  all have our     burdens   blah blah  , that sounds  yukity    actually but  u know  what i mean .

i was not  to sure   what today   meeting   was abt    but  Lovely fiona wanted  to  talk   to me  about  invictus  so cool  ,   yer  I can do that  and  Fiona  so easy to  talk  to although  only met  on a few occasions ,  i have  to be   with the   right  person /people   if going  to spill  my guts so  to speak  , i dont   tell   everyone  i meet   abt   my mate  Invictus

I  told  my story abt  how found  invictus   ( cant be bothered   telling  u know ) but   was glad i met him and w hat  was  good  about today   thinking  about  the  words   and what they   mean to me ,  as  said  before  i dont always get  them in  the   right order ,  I am still  going  out of the    black night    no thats not  right , so yer  not making   much improvement   but who cares   not as   if doing  a n exam  in it and i think  it helps mentally to think hey  thats not   right but dont  get  into red bull rage abt  it

i THOUGHT    today  more  abt  the  line   MY   UNCONQUERABLE    SOUL    hope that  right   and y do i like   it prob  the  sound it makes   when say it out  loud, and prefer   if  to something   like brave , it makes  me  stop   and think , well  u not going to get  me matey  and the  fact it  is   My ,  that   crops   up   alot    it is mine   and u   r  not  going to take it away from me .

The  whole time  i was   thinking  about invictus   the  pain and  distress  were   no where  to   be seen and this  continued on my travels   back  home  to   Birkenhead as i was  running  through   bits of  the poem in my head   but again thought i must   do    this more  often  when calm so it   kind  takes   more of   a hold on my brain .

Well  alls   well that  ends   well as they   say but   m y calm feeling was  not to end , it  began to hit me a gain the  ptsd  and again  Invivtus   cld not come in and    have   u   ever  had  a phone call   go on and on and on    etc and keep  thinking  , ahhh  how long  this    going  on for  so eventually   used  the  toilet   excuse  !!!! really    have to  go  now (  do  actually  , to   much info  but  by now was in a state   and thought  maybe  write  it down and see how it goes   well   must admit   feel awhole  lot different  not so tense  but  feel  more freer and  not the  urge to  bite  so deep breath and tomorrows another day  , blah   dont  really like that  I  am the  master  of  my  fate   . I am the  captain f my soul    hope  thats   right  who gives  a toss









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