last night going to bed got in a bit of a frazzle thinking have i been with invictus a a year or is today as 2016 a leap year so that means extra day and skip a day ahhhhh was it a year yesterday or is today ( does it matter ) ha well yes it does it if u are on the autistic spectrum and got a thing about dates and times every thing needs to be correct the sensible side of me says does it matter when your friendship began with Invictus what matters the poem is still with u today yer if u say so !!!
Yesterday my ptsd was at times chronic with ramblings going round round round and could not stop the twirling of my thoughts blogging does help but my bloods hit ultra high levels at 25 supposed to be 7 so no blogging but hey keep cool I am the master of my fate captain of my soul all u have to do is take extra insulin and wait and wait some more til bloods return to normal and hey they did !!
I am still trying to get to grips with 3rd verse
beyond this place of wrath and tears lie the horror the shade were the menace of the years shall find me and find me unafraid ( by ethal i think i have it for some absurd reason can not remember the word beyound all though it is really important as kind of tells u can get through this so-called problem , the main one not the date one !
so think this is it u will just have to take my word for it not cheating ( honest injun and fingers not crossed !!!
out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole I thank what ever Gods maybe for my unconquerable soul
in the fell clutch of circumstance i have not winced or cried aloud my head is bludgeoned but unbowed
beyond the wrath of blood and tears lies the horror of the shade were the menace of the years finds and shall find me unafraid ( that’s the difficult me find and shall find me confusing saying it twice but maybe thingy liked hide and seek
so really does it matter how long i have been invictus what matters it is still with me !!! and to finish my piece off went to christmas coffee morning were Farther christmas came over for a chat and he knew me by name yer been good this year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! believe that u will believe anything
well a year ago i got a phone call that kind of changed my life not in a big way just changed my view on poetry and how it helps people cope with life !!!
so lets start at the beginning very good place start !!!! b rrr brr ( that’s a phone ha ) i answer it (exciting not ) but it gets better yey its Emily from the reader org asking if would like to help me out with something next year in london reading invictus
I was just about to tell them yer dont think will cause a problem i can be a bit funny and STRESSSED out if leave my beloved mersyside but if I am asked nicely and know my decisions are accepted with aaaaarhhh please come u will enjoy it , i am fine think i just need to know its me in control and dont want others to stear the wheel for me well just abt to say okey dokey when ahhhh pulled my main phone landline totally out of the socket ahhhhhh sshsshhyghw(swear swear they willl think i am cronically upset about being asked and will be all round the office that I slammed the phone down !!!!!!
I thought of ringing back on mobile but said was full this was not looking good so i ended up rushing to Birkenhead were i could explain NOT PUT PHONE DOWN so 20 mins roughly i was their Ring liverpool not put phone and lou says yey members of staff looking with bemused expressions ” well u would nt slam the phone down ummm well i might with words of comfort ringing in ear but not taking any notice zoomed off to get a card explaining self as off to the readers main office for a volunteers do for christmas ( not really in mood ) but still needed to explain self so off went and great fun with christmas fun and grub and all was well as everything was understood and not to worry i hear that alot strange thing last night thought should put main phone on ledge and if i had listened to my inner thoughts would not be in a mess oh well deep breaths that does not help
ZOOOOOOm forward few hrs and at home with no phone i l look about flat for poetry book to see if invictus about and their it was and began to read it , i heard of it slightly in the film Invictus and always had i don’t know why a connection in some absurd way with Nelson Mandela not saying gone through anything like him well i found Invictus and began to read
out of the night that covers me and through to the end aloud the words never hit me really at first but on maybe the second go , i had slowed down slightly whilst i looked at words I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul it was as something had hit me in the heart not in a nasty way but paused and went yer horrendously nasty things happened in my life which has left with unresolved trauma and ptsd and on top of being aspergic and brittle diabetic not easy dont want to sound like a soppy weepy film but u do need something to cling on to life which is easy to get hold of yer i love the last two lines 24 hrs later something from soul ( creepy ) was telling me to learn those lines cos u lou are the master and captain of your life >
A year on from that phone call invictus is still here in my life and would say the 2 verses and last bit know more or less fully , yer like to my time but this is for me and all i can say is thanks to introducing me to this great poem not bad for some one who would much prefer a novel
hummbug humbug well its December the 1st on thursday and dont feel at all christmassy just keep thinking will start tomorrow !!!!
I had booked ages to go and see when we are married by Priestly yeons ago that long ago i was able to get front row seats yey and i have seen Northern broadsides countless times and always brill so u can imagine what i was like dsbnz\mn and other unreadable sounds came out of mouth as found out my nieieces were coming to stay next weekend as not only was it black friday last week but other things going on like sister in laws birthday , dont get me wrong , i dont mind them coming it was just that my parents thought it better not to tell me as per usual let me know last minute when the saying is pre warned is prearmed or something like that . I f i had known about it for the month i could calmy make other arrange ments . deep breaths and I am the master of my fate , and of course beyound this place of wrath and tears lies the horror of the shade still finding it difficult remembering the word beyound which is surprising as it give so much hope that one day this will be over !!!
I have lost count of the number of times that i have missed shows / plays you name it because of illness or the person going with decided to do something else but it was another friends birthday so she jumped at the chance of a free theatre trip well would not u !!!!
I was really pleased to see The playhouse on tv thursday am talking about people who eat in theatre and how off putting it is to the audience and also the actors who have put so much effort into learning lines as someone with aspergers my ears react to noises that is in the wrong place as i am totally involved in what watching but every sweet rustle is like a bomb going off and just can’t seem to switch the noise off so please think before u eat do u really need to eat this now why not wait an hour and gorge in the interval and yes also no need to have a chat whilst the production is on what u are buying in asda ( other supermarkets are available ) !!!! til it finishes ha ha rant over !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all well til yesterday morning when kept saying to mum can u get the tickets for me ummm asked again and again before getting frazzled and said or shouted “I need the tickets it came clear she had put them in a safe place so safe that they could not be found
ssanmzc ( put your own words in ) and said wld leave NOW and stormed off bit of my brain kept saying keep calm and of course after stomping to bus top thought of Invictus and opening line OUT of Night that covers me , umm surely they will let me but hey ho theatre not open til just before show aahhhhh ptsd was taking hold and when takes hold it has such a grip on me , even when my dad rang me to say found tickets in the safe place and bringing them over ptsd was revelling in my distress as i stomped round ” not coming out again stay in stay in stay in ahhhhhh
felt slightly better after having a cake well half price one always tastes better went to lou to give insulin ahahhhhh were was my little bag with insulin noooooooo cant eat without ahhhhhh its at home but invictus on mu side I am the captain of my soul the other day had decided to keep spare pen and needle in side pocket so all well on the eastern front really all fronts !!!
well on with the show loved it the audience was great No sweet rustling and bits of humour thrown in with lively people so my mood disappeared and came home feeling relatively calm to play with EVA 6 year old niece although listening to her jokes is not in the least bit funny but she tries and after a tiring day to bed
I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul all is well although not all still staying at parents due to chest pains and not kidding their heating on full blast just melting ho hum better than being cold and going home gave Eva an advent Calender ready for thursday ho ho ho soon be christmas
well today was the day going back to the hosi to see y been coughing up blood starting with a endscopy thingy , i had it done in hosi the other week and not to worried as remember nothing about all i remmber was in such a state and saying “i have aspergers dont like touchy feeling things and a dr no worries we will give u more dose yey !!
I was slightly worried about the rules which like to follow such as no eating or drinking for 5 hrs before thinking i often wake up wanting a drink or what if my blood goes low ( kept saying i am the master of my fate captain of my soul ) i will be fine but saying fine words does not cure all as i did indeed go hypo in the night but just layin bed thinking best not eat !!!
I went to the hosi feeling fine and whilst talking things through found out blood still 2 so was rushed off with sugary drink being rubbed into gum and trying desperately for a vein til all was well and taken for the procedure well not like the last time it hurt like hell so have no idea how the woman next to me tried it wiht no sedation (well she never saw it through best to be a cowatd and take all pain relief .
As a brittle diabetic i knew what was coming next my blood sugar went sky high at 20 but no worries kept saying ” i am like this all the time honest no worries ummmm eventually they believed me and went to see the result was well they said never heard of it before ACUTE ESOPHAGEAL NECROSIS syndrome ummm bit of a mouthful but basically quite rare haha like rare things got a tube in me that should not be their also but hey that’s another story
Basically my esophagus went black and at great risk of doing so again been given strong tablets and have to try to keep to alkaline diet so noacid type foods like coffee pop citric fruits umm time will tell bit worried when said could flare up again but hey ho at least know what it is and used to following diet diabetic since 13 and not kidding the thought of coffee makes me want to puke
I suppose my fate is in my hands for I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul so to speak best behave or blood will start spurting out of mouth !!!!! yuk
umm gettimg a bit mixed up with the middle verse of Invictus actually dont think their is middle one as 4 bits oh well lets say the 3rd on !!! shamefully i sometimes put my own words in and think it sounds ok !!!
I am still in awe at how felt much better repeating it to myself in resus in local hosi but hey ho the 3rd bit whats the problem !!!
beyond this place of wrath and tears LOOMS the horror of the shade ahhhhh but i don’t say LOOMs (nice sounding word that LOOMS I keep saying lies annoying but u must admit goes i will have to put a vision of some sort of knitting thing in my head LOOMS
and yet (forget that bit ) the menace of the years finds and shall find me (confusing) unafraid now this is total confusing all this finding palova although i do like it despite all been through i am still here bouncing about makes me sound like tigger which i definitely am not like at the mo !!!
I have to remember this time last year Invictus was not my soul mate in life we had not even met well for a few mins and would not have met it if was not for the reader org inviting me to LONDON TO read it and so come along way with it really
Coming out of hosi i had not consumed coffee for over a week so decided to continue with this health regime so GOD only knows why to day i decided to have a coffee ahhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the pain and feel yukity yuk no more NO MORE FOR I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul
I reckon was born panicking and worrying it’s what i do best although the majority of times able to hide my concerns , i must admit to being a newsaholic i just love to know what is going in the world and bizarrely always love watching the local news on itv for the simple reason tells me the sun setting rising and the moon times etc , i have no idea it is the small things but can feel the irritation rise in me if watching news on other channel yer its the small things that keep me going.
I have often been told i come over as very confident but those people have not seen me when out of my depth when the panic can set in, just by ordering a sandwich in the likes of subway other eating establishments are available .
Before being taken ill the other week mum and i went to see girl on the train both us had read the book and liked it although not rocketscience , i always have to be at places before time even if means sitting in coffee shop for an hour i Know i am in new Brighton waiitng for film to start so when mum wanted dilly dally round the shops window shopping with a yellNOOOOOOOO need to get their so know i AM THEIR so off we zoomed to arrive plenty of time and siting in coffee shop with time to spare !!!!! ha told u its the small things
The film was fine with just one sweet eater (small things) to someone with aspergers a noise in the wrong place can be really distressing man was messing sweets and was starting me off in glairy mood she said loudly HE has nearly finished his sweets and glared and silence pursued .
Came out and saw our bus go down the prom no worries i was quite happy as mum suggested go to subway !!!
I often dont like going to these kind of places especially if a q and tend to order same thing sub of day but mum was suggesting other things and was to nervous to ask about the various deals avaliable and mum was going that looks like different but dont like different like same so got my different thing panicking as asking what bread liked errrr that one i think and the nightmare continued what do u want with it no OLVIES yer that’s ok but had forgotten dont like spicy things such a nightmare why can’t it just be ham and cheese . after getting the sub i took a bit to realise it was full of spicy stuff i was so pleased remembering no olives and forgotten to say NO peppers errrr next time will there be a next time !!!
I then watched a very confident man come in and seemed to have no trouble asking for his sub and seemed to even be making his own version of what ever up something i would never dream of doing takes me all my time to go and ask for extra milk i often wonder why i don’t have confidence to ask for something different and what it must be like to walk with a swagger and be I am me OK , i cld imagine this persons job prob a high flyer looking as work clothes etc , i play this game alot bit like the girl on the train KINDA watching people and making up stories for them Not a stalker honest , a mind person once said when getting distressed look around you and make some kind of story .
MR confident sat on and then it happened he bit into the sub had to smirk as the sauce slipped down his mouth onto shirt and to beat it all when got to leave had mickey mouse socks on nought wrong with that but yer Mr confident was human and we all have our slip ups I was actually brimming over with confidence as this was one of the few times had eaten a subway without my mum going its all down you lou
never forget I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul even for the most confident of us just have to control the small things
haha here we go again starting off with apologies for no blurb for yeons ( love that word ) about my new friend !! Invictus but honestly i come with a better excuse then the dog ate my homework .
The night before the day when we celebrate burning bonfires and bangs in sky although they seem to go off all the time these days i watched tv (exciting) and decided to land of nod only to feel like hell and went to bathroom (don’t worry not to gory but began coughing blood this continued for most of night til decided to get ambulance more difficult than u any think when live in entry not literally but if blood coming out of mouth and not been fighting u can imagine did not really want an argy bargy claiming i live over a tile shop when i know live over sun bed shop but for life of me could not remember name of it so not impressed !!! but never forget I am the captain of my soul i am the captain of my fate i went outside and waited and waited til saw man in green and able to wave for help and yer they were lost !!!
I did not want to get in touch with parents as they were going to a wedding of best friends daughter so went myself which really is no prob their is a lovely feeling when u get in to a hosi and realise in safe hands . I was wisked from A+E to resus once they realised it was blood were i was lying there in hell one thing cropped ever so slowly in to my mind
Out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank what ever gods maybe for my unconquerable soul
In the depth clutch of circumstance i have not winced or cried aloud ( that is such a lie)
my head is bludgeoned but unbowed
beyond the wrath of blood and tears u shall find me unafraid
cool not saying i manged to say it all but saying the first line did not half help as if to say yer will get better which u can gather must have although always been thin ultra skinny now !!!
i did cause a bit of a rumpus when did not really want to put tubing down throat and kept saying ohhh nooo aspergers dont do that and of course cld do nothing without written consent after much coaxing always good to remember with someone with autism their ideas may sem crazy but with a bit of general persuasion come round and appeared parts of my oesphogeous had gone black and none seems to know why oh well
I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul