coming out of the pit Invictus

I have not forgotten  my  fave poem just been  ultra busy with  family dos   and    birthdays   which   causes  me    quite  abit of upset    as   i dont like things happening    all the    time  i like big  gaps  this is  why i dont  like Christmas  as    everything  seems  to  be happening  in that   month and   then its blank !!! noooh

Anyhow  I have been thinking   alot  abt the   first  verse   of Invictus  as    actually hoping   that   the mystery of  what is actually   wrong with my brain  and  have  been  given forms to fill out   to see   if  got ADHD or some form   of it   the  Dr thinks   deffo    ADD and prob  a  rare  form of  ocd   to do with thoughts  in my head    , so  yes  when   i   read or    try and remember   the   first  verse  of  Invictus  i Kinda   go yer this  is it  at long long  last   although the majority of people   i know  call me LOU  or  louby    obviously  my name  Louise    actually means  warrior   and  yer  it goes     as not  kidding   been  one hell  of    war / fight   battle   but will win

Out of the   night  that  covers  me   black as the  pit from pole  to pole

I thank whatever   gods maybe   for my  uncon querable   soul

In the   fell clutch  of circumstance   I have  not winced or  cried  aloud

under the   bludgeoning  of chance  my head is  bloody  but unbowed

BEYOUND    this place of  wrath  and tears looms but the   horror of the    shade were  the menace  of the  years  will  find  me and find me  unafraid

blah  (   cant  remember   that bit   not   good   to be  to   perfect  but    willl get it   but   most importantly

I am the master of my fate   I am the   captain of my soul    !!!!!  yer  will get  their and  be  run over   by a  BUS  HA   OH WELL  LIFE IS   NOTHING   BUT A CHALLENGE

Seasons change just like moods !!

It is now the  middle of  August   more or less   but     really  not been a  good summer  well  it   never is   although   when as  kid     don’t remember all  this wetness    and gloom/ doom  but may be looking  through  rose tinted    glasses  !!

I was  thinking   today of  how   you   don’t   really know  were you  are  with the  season go out  in a  t shirt  as it  seems   hot   but   very  soon   i am  diving into  a shop to  get  cheepish   jumper  as    was  living  in the hope  that  the   good  weather   would   stay all  day !!

My moods    are  like the  ever changing mood    I really can’t   think  when  i  have   been  happy   like the  sun  shining    but    even   then  probably become  to hyper  (adhd? add    what ever the  label  is of the moment  just like the  weather  forecasts  doom  and  gloom   if we   actually  get  good  weather  for more that    2 week s

I actually   quite  like the  Autumn and  the   musty  smell  although    always   worry   it    may get  to cold and  living  in a flat  that is  hard to   heat  =  nightmare  !!!

Winter   is   thought  of  with  gloom but   can get    crisp  cold days   but   nothing  worse than  fingers   gone   white  with cold and  can’t  turn  key  to get  into  flat  !!!

Moods   can be likened  to  seasons   winter =  never going  to be   well  , SPRING  =  things  looking up   can only get  better    summer  yey   going  to be   fantastic   right  through  WRONG   oh yer   Autumn   just  feeling   bit  frightened   what   cld  be  ahead   not sure   anxiety    racing .

I   suppose   at the   moment  i am   edging  cautiously   towards   spring   in a strange    way hoping  that   i am diagnosed   with    some    form of add  a then i  can   do something  about     can’t   do  much   if   u  don’t   know    were the  leak is   coming   from    if  get  puddles  on the  floor   so to speak  and  maybe all  will  be hunky dory  !!!!! and the    football  team down the  rd    TRANMERE    WILL   WIN THE   PREMIER  LEAGUE     BUT    we   can all  hope !!!

I suppose   most  people  wld   say spring  is their   fave  season   cos   it    represents  hope  and you  generally feel  fresher   lighter    especially as   all the  heavy   clothes    comes  off   but   as my  Nain   used  to say   never  cast  a cloud   til may is  out       you just don’t  know  what is   going to happen    just like mental health  I never   really    know  what  person   will be  throughout the  day a  real  Jekel and hyde  person!!!

life   seems  more   colourful  in the  spring  and the   flowers  begin to bloom and  of course  the   daffodils    start  to  sway  and   it wont   be long    before   u  hear  the  infamous    daffodil  poem by Wordsworth    and  think we are here  again   spring  the  sleep  of  hibernation is over and we  are    springing into life  the   sun  is shining    birds are  singing  and  we are urged to seize the daY

BEWARE  though spring is like  my mental  health   when i think   well  i have managed   to sort that out    no more   problems     going to   have   a  good time   now  all fixed   but  wham no longer      do  i get used  to one   syndrome  illness   disorder  got used to  being   aspergic  diabetic   lets    try    stomach  heart  adhd pavola   it is never  ending   but     hope  is what  i have    like  spring  one day  they will sort   everything out and  i will  have the   summer   everyone  talks of   1976    but even that   had it    downer  apparently  swarms of  ladybirds .

the   seasons   are  all in the  mind  spring  summer     autumn    winter  and  you   really  cant be   sure  what  season it will be  tomorrow   just  like  living  with   various  health   conditions  oh well at least    it is  interesting    and   up   to me   what i do   for i am the   master of  my soul  I am the   captain  of my fate !!!

Came across   a quote the other  day   by   someone  Henry miller    not sure    who he is who   cares !!!!    The aim of life is  to live and to  live means to  be aware  joyously divinely aware   !!!   yer  stop   and smell the  roses

BE KIND TO U AS WELL!!!!

In life    it    is really     like being on a pendulum     continuously  up and down     and hard to   stay   in the middle  , I    am still waiting for   a proper  result  of  my adhd   what ever  !! but must  admit   at times   i  am  really   surfing  on top  of a wave  only  to go crashing   off  !!!

My mum is   nothing like  me   she  will ways   put  everybody else  before her   which sounds  wonderful   but not  when   your  own self    suffers   as a result  ,  I do get  annoyed   when   people  say    “You are nothing like your mum    ”  that’s because   I am  me and  although  it   is  a  good thing to do to help others   i have   learnt   over the   years it  is good  to look after   yourself otherwise     everybody suffers   i cant do my voluntary   work if i don’t   look after as    blood sugars   go to  pot  and  my  brain is whirling    like a  tornado .

It is not good   to be so hard on yourself   with your so called inner  critic    and  maybe     do as i do   develop   a sense of humour  or  be   show self more  compassion .

I am  rarther  accident  prone   and   although   do well  in middle    distance    running   am really  not agood    team player   so   i just laugh  ,   awhile   back i       came   last in a  game of  skittles     but   actually  got   a wooden  spoon   whilst the  winner   just  got    round of applause  whilst i got both

If the   inner  critic    was   to shout at  myself   ”  can’t catch    bowl    whatever i    would  just  begin to feel  depressed  and      only   really harming  self !!  but to laugh or    use  self    compassion    their  is  just    “oh well    at least     will  deffo do   better     next time !!!

I have often     read   bits on buddhism   although  not good   at  following it   but it suggests  inlife   do    three   things     1  self compassion  (  done that  so really    don’t  use     the   british    stiff   upper   lip but  be kind or   laugh )

2   have   a sense of   humanity   I  know that   are   some people who   seem to be   good at  everything    and not kidding    gets   a bit   boring   when they    are    a success  at everything    when  they actually  dont   become  the   top   star     they  honestly    are  destroyed    so better  to  realise that  all  humans   fail at  something  it is  part of being  ourselves  ,  a  Gp    said to me  once  ” do  u  play  cards  ”    errrr no  not really    he  then    ”  you have      a really   awful  set  of  cards  to play with but   actually  play with the  cards      you got        really well  !!!  umm   M AYBE      WOOAHHHHH    ACCEPT       COMPLIMENTS    YEP  i DO !!!

3     MINDFULNESS     JUST KNOW WHAT IS   GOOD  FOR   YOU ( HA Not writing  in capitals  and slow   down and look  around  you  !!huh  shattered  now   so  lecture of life  over going  for a cuppa

feeling  quite    calm  now    Out of  the  night  that    covers  me black as   the  pit   from the  pole to pole

 

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finding who you really are

not  written  for  awhile but  just  been   in  another    zone   been looking  after  my  youngest    niece   aged   6   well  7  in 8   days   she says      lets  be   7   and  my  intrusive thoughts   are   chronic    . last  week for   2   a couple of days  i was      very hyper  and  bopping  about   yer  u cld  say hyperactive  but     it was better   than thoughts  in head !!!

I am still waiting   for the  forms   to   fill in to see if deffo  got  a   form of adhd   and after   getting over the shock yer  i reckon   i do have it  but not   going to  get involved   with  anything   til  100%   and more   certain !!

I  think it   takes   a lifetime  to get   to know   who u  are   really  niece  in middle  is 15  and works   part time  in a  hotel and has  had  work experience  in a school  but ask her   what  she  sees   her self  doing   she has not a  clue .

Most people  have  roles in life  job family  this is  what  defines them not   them selves   they are   a mother  of Joe  and married  to  billy   but i am myself  as    do not have these   thing    not  that  i am   that   bothered  as   in some   ways  i like  to be   just known  for being me although   voluntary    stuff  for the  reader  which i enjoy  as   kinda   gives me  a sort of   role   in life . i often  think people  who have  the   so called  happy  family   live their   lives  through their  children   a neighbour   of mine  has   ultra  talented   children   and will tell   you all the   triumphs  but   i will  say    but thats  them   not  you  what    have  you  been doing    with  your  own life !!!!     they are  slightly lost  at  the mo  as  both  children   settled    down  south and its  just hubby and  wife  !!

I often worry  about  people whose  marriage   means the partnership is so strong  that  they never do  hardly anything  apart   they  are like  bookends  but    if   one   bookend  goes   think the  whole  book    shelf  will collapse    so  try to  remember there is only one you  so be it  and be  free  to be   yourself and   become  confident .

I think i started    reading  all   from a very   serious   friend who sent   me a text   saying  she   felt    she   was not  progressing  in life  and   felt  not as  mature   as other  people    , i was   like so what   be yourself what is   mature    , i think i am   all sort of  ages  and  act    just  how  i  want to  perhaps   their   is  advantages  to   having  a load of   labels   attached  to  yourself   you learn to  be  you and   if people dont  like it  tough   .  I  always    hated    going    back to  school and  a teacher  would  say   ”  you are    8   now     we  dont    behave   like  we  did  in year   2    when it   was only  6 weeks    ago  in year    two !!!!!

I  keep meaning   to dabble  more  in mindfulness   but  not  getting  very far     tend  to do  it  a t night    as   find  it so   difficult to    switch  off  that  when  invictus   comes  and pays me  a  visit alot as    can play   about  with the  words   what   was   that   word  ahh  looms the  shade  , actually     in a way    hope got   some   form  of  adhd   as it wld  put   the jigsaw    totally  together   to get  me normal  so to  speak   actually  don’t like    that   statement   I find  people  who are   kinda  normal ultra  serious   and  very  little  humour  !!!

I always   think shld  listen to yr  body  it goes  together  with   your  mind if  body  is not well affects the mind  and vice  versa  just    given my self a load  more  insulin as  had  this  sickness  stomach  ache      and after   drinking      gallons   of tea    thought   best check it out  and yer   high    as   kite      think   cos   been  in a  strop  for  ages   it  affected   my blood  sugar .

I used to  run for     relatively   long  distance   was happier   doing my own thing then in an  athletic   club  but  again  it   was  important  to listen to  body  can never   remember  if  you shld carry on running   when    got a  pain or   run through the pain barrier   with experience   think it    was abit of both  as   was  difficult  to get  back into   a rhythm if   stopped  but then again  in a park and running    about   for   fun best    to  listen to my body and stop and walk for bit   then  run  your self into the  ground !!

I know it  is cliché   but life is  a journey  i am still putting  the jigsaw   together  in my life   always  think it is a bit strange   when   you  are 18 and become  an adult as if   you know   all abt life  i think   you continue learning   til     pop off  to where ever !  so   important   to be curious   about   yourself    what makes   you happy  angry  which tends   to come   from  a  need  not met   or in my  case   not being  listened to  .  I  suppose    their   is so many paths   that you can travel   makes  life overwhelming   especially   everyone   on the planet  has   same entrance and   exit   !!!!

who knows   what will happen  in the  future    fIor  anyone    i just   hope   they   one day   get totally   the  full picture   why  is  my mind so mixed up  !!!!  (  who wants   a boring  life )  . I  am the  master of  my fate     I  am the    captain of my soul  or  is it the other   way round ha   who cares

 

In the genes !!

i have   various  mental   health  problems and  type    1     diabetic  and my mum has addisons  disease   and nan    thyroid   probs   but   various  mental  health   things  abt     my cousins  son  has  aspergers   and one of my cousins  i bi polar

One of   the  main  questions i get  asked     is anyone in the  family    like  you   ” errr  no i am  me their  is only  one of  me   and  thats   the   way it is   alot   of problems   come   from life   events      not     the fact   got  this  list !!!     they are   at present   looking  at  adhd  although at  first   was   deeply   shocked and  saying “no  -way  I  have  read    up about  it  and   it seems  to be  different   between the   sexes    i am  more of the mind  going   millions  of mile an  gr and  just  cant organise   self    never   really  finish    anything  and one  my main things    getting over   excited  whilst  talking  and interrupting people as   cant wait  to tell people     this is   all completely different   from    when i was    a  kid and   very   rarely  opened  my mouth  outside    my home   !!!

I   am wondering  does my  brain  change or  do  life  events    again  change   , my life    changed   for the  better    once  meeting the   reader org    developed    tons of  confidence and   cld  put    my fetish  of  reading    to good use !!!

People   will often  say   ”  you dont come  as across  as aaspergic  or   just  recently   adhd      but  i  know  I am    maybe   not  the  way media   likes to  portray   people with  these  health    probs     such as maths   genius  and   very   quiet    ,   i am  neither  or if   adhd    running  around  like   a maniac    and never still   .  Another one is  ocd   which also  have    but is only  really  shown   as  someone  putting    things in  straight   lines       my pure   one is    more    distressing  as same  intrusive  thoughts    rush round    so cant  concentrate  on what  should be doing !!

Awhile back    it    was thought  in time    be able to  find the    autism  gene and   it may not  be   around no more  , I know   their is  different   variations of    autism  but  on the   whole    think we   would be  missed  if   we  were not   around  no more as   we   do have   something  to thing   (  think things  differently    very  reliable )   but  on the  whole   it is a battle   each day   some  days  think winning the  war and other not but    found  it  very distessing    may  not be    around  in times  to come . I   believe    you   are   born with     the   vast majority  of brain  probs   i had a massive   brain hemmorage   so maybe   it is to do  with that   but anyhow     i have   always had it  so  even if      someone   said   ”   right   would    you like   us to get   rid of it   “”      their  are sides  I would  say  yer   get rid of  this      bit of it  but not  that   bit     reckon  not   allowed  to be that  picky  !!!

I can see   the  importance  of looking into   genetic help for   something  like   CF  or  some   people  who have  the   so   called  breast  cancer   gene    but    it   so difficult to    find  have    heard  somewhere  or other   that  it  is  like  going to a massive  library  and    being   told   that    in one   of the books their  is   a word   miss pelt and  you have to  find   it  wow  gives me  a headache   just thinking about  it   so think     be   careful  what  genes   we  are   searching for  !!!    I often   think  what life   would be like  without  these   so called  syndromes    and life   would be   easier but often  think  i would  miss  it  as   am never  bored   well hardly ever  !!!!!  and    ideas  non stop   although perhaps they  are a bit bizarre    such as      rewriting    Shakespeare   into   scouse   but   soon  bit fed  up !!!!

I  suppose  we all have  good  and  bad  elements  but  if   you find the   right   thing  then you shine  like   crystal  and the light  comes through    .

fight on     or  I am the master of my fate   I am the  captain of  my soul

 

poetry happy or deep

Emotions all over the place   at the moment  since  hearing     strong Possibility  on the   adhd  felt ok  about it    til  watched a  tv  programme  panorama   about  Sertaline and    the side   effects  which caused     a person  in America    to go  on  a  shooting    spree  mum  started    asking personal    questions about  what dosage    i am on  and      i sparked  off    into   a load of   aggression  !!!!  which once   starts  spirals     out of   control   for  yeons !!!

I prefer  deep   poetry   like  Invictus    Out of  the  night   that   covers   black as the  pit from pole to pole as   it is  something  i can get  hold of !!! and  is  meaningful  to me personally .

I  prefer   miserable     books then  happy chick   lit   types although I do  sometimes      read them especially  when  not well  but    things  like  this

although  fills   your   brain with  happy thoughts   they  do  not linger  for long

fill    your  days with  delight   find joy in all  you do

options are limitless  the   choice is up to  you

sing  with   the birds   as   they  fly up above    share a  smile and  some love   watch the  sunrise   see  the colours   glow   stop  and help a child grow

This   does     make   you feel happy when   reading  this and  think yer remember the   good times    and it    is  an easier   poem than  Invictus  to picture      the  birds  flying   and beautiful  colours   but  BE HONEST  WHEN I AM IN THE   midst of   strop   this will  do  nothing  to help me calm down   like  Invictus  with   the  famous last   to lines

I am the  master of my fate

I am the   captain of   my soul   yer   i am in charge    fill me   with   fighting  spirit    more  fighting  talk  not   well  lou  you  have  a place to live and food  to eat and think of the       pretty  flowers in the  garden     ahhhh  deep breath  and  live on

 

 

Invictus ta so much

Out of the  night   that    covers  me  BLACK AS   THE  PIT   FROM POLE TO  POLE TO POLE    I THANK   WHAT  EVER GODS  may be  for my  unconquerable  soul

In the   fell clutch  of  circumstance   i have not  winced or  cried aloud    my head is   bludgeoned   but umbound unbowed  (  ahhhh wrong   it is under the   bludgeonings of chance my head is   bloody but   un bowed

 

who   cares  if  i still get   the  lines mixed  up   i went to   a  reading  grp   the other day   were   we   were   discussing  Thomas   Hardy  were  it   was  said he  was  a perfectionist   you can  get    different   versions of  his work    and he  has changed  the  wording .

YEy out of the  night   that covers me  yey   really  feeling   that  at  the mo   since   Wednesday  when   is was   suggested   that  i  have  adhd    as well aspergers  ocd   ptsd    ( tiring all this   i  feel  somewhat   relieved  and   although  not really    not supposed  to  have done a few  of the  tests  repeatedly  on  all saying the  same thing !!!!

I think their is   obviously a fight  going  n  in my  head between the   labels   that  have  been put on my head  but   yer  i am    hyper active    even the   way  i read    i get so   excited   when  finish  a book   and    read   a   chapter of one book and then another    the only  time    i read the   same book  constantly for an hr   is with   the    reader org    were  i  am  happy   discussing  it and    reading  it   at  a relatively slow  pace  although  not     as  slow  as    a snail on crutches !!

It is   strange    as  not    really  upset    that   say  got adhd  apparently  their  is various  types   as it is   a relief   as know  why  their  is a million and  one thoughts in my  head   and full of ideas   which never   really  come  round to   fruition   such as    deciding to  translate     all of  Shakespeare      works     a into   scouse .

I  honestly  don’t know   what is worse      having    aspergic     head on    when i am worrying   about   everything  and     just   dont   want   to open my mouth  or  this    suspected   adhd   when i am talking    9 million to the  dozen  and    feel  like a wasp   stuck in the   jam  jar   ahhhhhhh

when i am in a  grp   of people and  an idea    comes into my head    their is  no way on  this planet  that i    be  quiet   i have to  air my ideas    straight away   !!!

BEYOND THIS  PLACE  OF  WRATH  AND TEARS  LIES THE   HORROR OF THE  SHADE  AHHHH  NOOOH   ITS   LOOMS     ALWAYS     SAYING LIES   INSTEAD OF  LOOMS   YEY  I LOVE THE   WORD OF  LOoMS SO    WHY DOES  IT  NOT GET INTO  MY SKULL  ooooh    why  have i written  that  last bit in capitals   must be over  excitement  talking  about    Invictus

Today  i went into   an  horrific  hypo  not  had  a o low blood  sugar    attack  for yeons    but   started  off  blinding  headache   then   got in a massive   nark   got   some  munchies   went  to bed  and    my legs  arms   went   totally dead   and   for  all the  tea in china or coffee in brazil  could not move  although this  was obviously    not    really  a  good  day   it actually made  a pleasant    change  from fighting    mental  health probs  so   reckon     got to  face facts  i am never   really   going to be  well but    it leads  to  an interesting  life    if nought else   be  awful  to die   and say  got  nought to say  about them  !!!  i have  known this  happen

Back  to  invictus   though        beyond this  place of wrath of tears  lies the  horror o the shade    seems  if not   fighting  one  ailment     i am fighting  another   so will  always   be something  wrong   ,   but   not kidding  it  was   quite  pleasant  this   afternoon  lying in bed   not able to  move  as   could think   always   look a the   bright  side   .

well said    enough  I am the master of my fate   I am the  captain of my soul    one  day    I   or the professionals so  called    can sort  me out  or at least   have fun  trying