drama invictus

hey ho  told u   their  wld me more  blue days  than the   day on monday date   escapes me !!!but was   supposed  to be miserable  day but not kidding  yesterday was  1oooooo times   worse   times  1000 !!

I adore   going to the  theatre    pictures  as long as not to   noisy with  pop corn  etc  and  because  of  all  my unusual   fetishes    i  am supposed to have a carer with me  al though  some are  better   at it then others  !!! (  just    count  to 10  lou   does not  work ) a lot of  the time    i cause  no problems (rareoccassions)  so  tend to  go  half price with whoever   venture  out to me  so  seen a few   interesting  shows  coming up  in liverpool    in march  i know  plenty   of time but  early bird   catches the  worm  etc  or the  seat so    off i went  to get   the tickets  ,  got great  seats and bit of a  banter   about the    recent   footie   match  were  Everton  beat man c  and was on the  way  after   abit of  a dawdle about  !!!

I kept  thinking    stop for  a cuppa   before  going home  but no  bus  was due  so off i trot  back over  the river    for  some absurd    reason  which will  become  clearer   got keys  out  of  bag  and   got  somewhat over excited  about seeing  friend on bus and got  off   by my entry   (  flat  down  their  and talked to friend  before  clamering  up the  stairs   but never  got to  top where is    rucksack  with dosh  been to bank  to get money     theatre   tickets   and omg  Insulin   although do   have spare  ahhhhh  sshhshshshhshhhs !!!!

raced   to friend in  bank   she  had not seen rucksack   and then looked   through  bin  i n yard    y   i have no idea  and  nothing  for  it but  to  go and tell my dad    who would  loop the  loop   but  with    various  bit  and  bobs   gone  no good    .

For  the   next hour  or more    we chased  the  bus   all over the  Wirral  thinking  we  cld   catch  up  with  on its  way back  although wld   have been  easier  to sit  outside   pub   were    a  convenient   bus  stop   .

we   chased   various  buses all the  way to Neston and then waited   for   Liverpool    bus but to no avail  as  had forgotten  they  don’t stop  their   at that   time of day    so nothing  for it  but  to chase  buses    back to  Birkenhead     if we  were  faster   than  the  bus  we  cld   catch  it  which  we  surely did   well   no bag  but  was given  a number to ring after   8  !!

AT  this   time   no common  sense   was in head     ” I shall  tell them monday   that     can’t   read Shakespeare any more  in library   so  they  can run selves  or close   and  just stay in bed  !!      blah blah   parents      thought   this  was crazy as   could not blame   someone who had been dead   for  centuries for  my  misdeamoners   as  we   was no way to blame  , well  n ot his fault  but   was   giving  up on reading  him !!!

St  my flat   i got my self  in more  and more  of  a frensy but out of the blue just   sat   and said  out of  nowhere  just  said  to  myself

out of  the night  that covers me   black as  the pit   from pole to pole  i thank what ever   gods   maybe  for my un conquerable soul !! in the  depth   clutch of   circumstance    rrrrrrrri g  ring   thats not  inviuctus  !!! callling   nooooo  unbelievably it was  my friend  carol who  i worked with  yeons ago  saying  croakily ”  did   u lose  your  bag  on the  bus  errrrrr yey  i did   cos the   bus   driver   just  rang me   and for  u to get  to the  bus depot a at   8      wow  and  double  wow  . i  hate   technology but today (  well   yesterday  had come to my rescue     went  back to my dads  and we  drove  to bus depot and  picked     rucksack     not   worth   thinking  about  if someone  got  hold of insulin and   decided to take some  !!!   I thanked  the   bus  driver  loads and  some dosh to   have a drink with  but really shld go  to the person   who handed the   bag in  the    first place    just so pleased   that people  have handed   it in  . although in the past have  found all sorts  of  things  and   always  handed  it  in  although    if   find the  odd  coin on the  street   tend to think    finders keepers  and so do u  !!

DAd said    u never   seem to make  it   easy for  yourself   shld  check   got everything    on the   bus  and  when  u come  off  !!! ummmm ok  and yer  will  be  back   reading    2  gents of Verona    cld    do with a laugh,

I still  was  not in the  best of  moods   going to bed   mulling things over   shld  really  see what  the last few   lines are  of  my fave poem  are  but will  just    content  self    with last two lines   I am the  master of my fate   I am the   captain of  my soul   ahhhhhh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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mondays r not the only blue day

I must  admit   i did   not realise  til  half  way through the  day   that  this   was  blue  monday  where   i read   about  it in  the  library .  find  it  quite   difficult to believe    that this   is the  most    depressing   day of the  year when  we   are only   17 days  I am     quite  th

sure    their will be  worse  or better  day   ahead  !!!

well  that  line  (should not have  moved but   can’t be  bothered  moving  it now) the whole concept of   blue monday was   decided    upon by a   travel company who  said  the  combination of  bad weather  unpaid bills   christmas a distant  memory   (  good ) makes it a blue day  !!

Any how   my day  was going  well   was looking  forward  to starting   2 gents  at   Birkenhead library   (  not  kidding   reading  Shakespeare   is  FUN  } and the more  u read of   the  bard  the  more  u get  as   his   comedy   tend to repeat   in you  anyhow i digress   AGAIN

I have an   appointment   tomorrow     hoping  to sort   my head   out with my ptsd   but not holding breath  that  it is the  emdr   as   on the letter   says   going to  be  cbt again sos   but  this does  not work  on me but  I am  the  master of my fate  and will continue  fighting  (  famous last  words  ) when my mum   goes  on that sometimes  i put my   happy face on  and people   do   realise  what going  through  but  to my mind  alot of people know  i am ill  but being   with  understanding   view points    make me  forget    my problems for an  hour and of course if   been  waiting for years   for  help  really not going to  go in and  say everything   fine am  I

I  actually think my mum  is jealous that  I get on with various  people  and not really  with her  , maybe  i am  to close   to home  well   she tends  to  irritate    me  every time  opens mouth  ( this is  a slight  exaggeration)  but still  .

I must admit   blood  sugars were  very high  prob  due to stress  as  not eaten that much   but   i knew this  as thought out    reading  grp  i drank   gallons of tea  in massive  mug so  much   we  ran  out of  milk !!!! so maybe   this   day is turning  rather  blue   but as   an evertonian i see  nothing    wrong  with the  term   blue  day  !!!! (digressing again  we had  a  good  and  rare win yesterday ) !!!!!

any how came home  and  bloods  were  really high  surprise  surprise  not  i was   going to  go  to singing  cafe    which i  love to do as lightens my mood   but could imagine   mum  saying  ” see  u  r happy now  yer  for an hour and a bit   so  not much out of day  so  decided   not to go !!  umm  on reflection  cutting off nose  to spite  face springs again  to mind.

so on the  whole  a  rather  bad   day but  today my blood  machine been  yelling at me hi  hi hi   no not  saying  hello  just  letting me  know bloods  high as  kite   best    leave this prattle  and take more  insulin  huh

Tomorrow  is    another  day   ha  I am the  master of my fate and the  captain of  my soul

oh yer  a proverb  The   blueness of a wound   cleans  away  the  evil !!!!

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last of festivities tickets

I have always   enjoyed  pantos  ( oh yes  i have ) maybe  because of the  feeling that   all is well with the world  and your worries are forgotten about . I had a few mishaps with my tickets as  i was  gobsmacked to see  had booked   the  tickets  for the scouse of the  raising sun   back in  August !! as  i had  heard on the  grapevine  how popular  the  pantos  at the  Royal  court   liverpool  were , they  are advertised  as  adult  which they  truly are with the odd  f    c s   words  thrown in  does  not bother  me   but  know  people  who   do  not like the  use of  such words  but  really   when things  go wrong  do u  really say “oh flippertygibberty”   OH  NO  U DONT  ANY HOW i  digress !!!

I had originally  booked  tickets for  the   beginning of  December , after   clearing it with my mate she  was free   “oh yes  she   enthused  only to tell me not  long after  that   she had  forgotten   going on  holiday to  balmy  Blackpool  how u can  forget is   beyond me   but still !!

I went over to  change  tickets   this   seemed  harder than thought    not that  many matinees  and   did not   want to go for  actual  festive period  as   not kidding the  prices   hit the   top  of the  empire  state   building !!! (  also  i was not to  impressed  when i had  to pay more  as  we  were  changing  tickets  but   being  the nice  person  that i am  i never  passed  the  surcharge   (  think that’s  what call it   to   mate)   !!

In previous   months  had   few  escapades   with   tickets  to ill  to go  or     had  family      visiting so was  getting  very   fed up  with     shows   and  PTSD  aspie   side   hit off   not  going   ever  again   especially  as  i had lost the  tickets  they were  not  little  square  things  but massive  rectangles   but still    the  theatre  were   very understanding   giving  me   fresh  copies    and  encouraging   me to come  again  as   was  just a  blip  .

I kept  thinking  of that  saying dont  cut   your  nose   to spite   your face  which is what would be doing  if  never  went out   again  which  was   what i  was threatening to do    big breath   OUT  of the  night  that   covers   black as the pit from  pole to  pole  and breathing  deep    think  of all the fun times  not the  dark u get the picture  !!

so we    are  now in 2017   and on the  whole  the  weather  is much milder than the  winters  i remember  but the last few days  been much colder   and their  was talk of   thundersnow  what ever that is  so was   not in the best of moods   crossing  the  river   Mersey   although no sign of the   so-called  terror   snow   in fact not a  flake  fell  .

I have no control  with  emotions  and  ptsd     kept on biting   and  not to sure   what time  meeting  was it for  a  drink  before  hand or not  , oh well  to late  for that  ., the  relief was  tremendous   giving ticket in yey   got seat    all was well , i enjoyed   myself  and  kept  thinking must come  here   more  often  although  their  was a   bit of a ding / dong as  woman accused  woman of   swaying   to  much in her seat   really  in a panto  thought  u were   supposed to enjoy    yourself and join in (  oh yes  u are )

I  came   out to pouring  rain really heavy type that kinda  hurts  u can just feel  it  and  got   bus with mate   which meant  had to  hang  around  for another  connection to get home but  hey its   new  year  be nice  !!!!    I am the master  of my fate  though  next time   i will wait  for my bus   (  can’t be nice all the time ))

Posted in aspergers, CHRISTMAS, theatre, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

zen parable

I read  alot of  so called  spirtiual   type of books not because  I am  that   bit  inclined   as in all  soppy   just  that   deep  down i   try  any thing  that may calm me awhile  i  seem to have no choice with the  way ptsd   efffects my life  it is   not a  choice  to be  this  ARRRRRRRRRRRRR but  still  I came across a  zen  parable  which thought would share


Once upon a time  ( all the best stories  start that  way ) a know it  all man who thought  knew  everything( bigheaded)  u know the  type   visited the  zen master  for  a  cuppa  as u do  but the  strange thing  was  when pouring the  drink out of  the  teapot  into teacup just kept on pouring til the  cup was overflowing and making  a right  mess

” hey what  r  u doing   cant u see  the  cup is  full but u just  keep on  pouring   ahh  said  the  wise  zen man  ”  you  r so full of  your own opinions  and thoughts and all  what u think   u must  be  empty of the past to  receive the  present !!!

I must admit  find this   intriguing  as   i must   admit to  being  very opinated  and  find  it very difficult  to change my views   prob  due to aspergers   this is the  way  we do  things  my way   but do  try to listen and  must  admit   i do try to listen  to others but  love the  last line   you must  me empty of the past     to receive the  present  !!!  a bit like  myself  and ptsd   as cant  get  the past out of  my  mind and   have  no control  of the   thoughts in head  but maybe   the parable  is   when  we hang to our  opinions and  nothing else  their  is no   room for anything else  make room  for  other  ideas and  thoughts !!!!  ha  lecture  over    for   I  am the master of my fate  and captain of my soul or is it the other  way round  who cares !!!

Posted in balanced, invictus, mental health, zen | Leave a comment

SHATTERED !!! Invictus

Been meaning to  blog   but that  thing  called  life   gets  in the  way ,   today  had  an app  with dr   as my bloods   had been  ultra high    but as i have stated  on lots of occasions  to medical people  my   blood  sugars  are so  high  because i am so stressed out  waiting   for  an appointment for emdr to  calm down the  thoughts i have  which   honestly    drive me  crackers   and i mean  crackers   any how i digress !!

Just before   christmas  I had  a  kind of heart    scan  which  i forget   about  as    don’t   feel  to bad  although  do get  the odd  twinge so u can imagine  my surprise and shock when   got    told    that     their  is   something   growing  in one of the   chambers of the  heart   !!!!!  er wot  really  how can this  be    it  sounds  like something  from et   and  stated   on the letter   not really been seen before  although i am often told   this  !!!!

I must  admit not that  worried  as  been shopping  and walking   all over the  place  although  do get  odd  stabbing pain  ,  I  got my self  in a  slight  frazzle  as if my app is for   10.30   I don’t    expect to still  be siting  over an hour  later  although do  know the   nhs   is  under great stress   and having  no glasses on me  to  read  , umm what shall  i turn  to  Invictus  out of the  night  that   covers me  black as the  pit  from pole  to pole i was getting   stressed    but   never  got   to the  end  as    was   so busy  messing with the  wording  i   had to  called   twice   when name called out .

I feel  a lot  better    just being told   nothing  wrong    with my heart beat  but   their  is  something  kind of   waving in my   heart   ha ha  perhaps  that’s   were   ET  and his   finger   disappeared to  .

I  am the  master of my  fate and the  captain of my soul   nothing  i can  do about    what  is    growing  in heart  but  sure  can  live with it

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healthy new year not !!!

As  stated  on a previous  post  I am not  a big  fan of new  year  and only  5  days on and  things  not going to well  but hey ho early days yet .

I am not   good  with crowds  and  have nothing against  kids  but can’t wait   til  things  quiet   down  and they go back to school as   then i know  things   are  really back to normal   i am   normally  on the    look out   for  a bargain  but   have   decided  to  have massive  clearout  so  went   round  sales    going ” do i  really  need  that ”

I came home  in okish  although the ptsd   struck  at various times   that is the  worst think about it    there is  no trigger  points it  just  explodes   for no reason,  as they say u never    know  what is round  the corner i am never  that  worried   when see   hosi  appointment letter  as  always  someone   wants  my services   but must admit   as  a bit   shocked to say the least    when it said  that their  was  something  very unusual with  the  heart scan   before    christmas apparently their is  a strange   object  in the  right  atrium of my heart  !!!!  wot u say  actually my reaction was a lot  stronger  errr what do they mean   an object  have i swallowed a marble   without  knowing abt it .

I must  admit having  a few twinges   but  thought  that  was to do with oespegous    drama   before   christmas  actually   all in all  not to worried  just glad   we have  all these techniques  to  find   out what is wrong  and  as keep  saying  to self  can’t be  that strange  if they  are leaving me for a month  to go for   just found out today a toe  examination   nothing to do with toes oh well

I  am the master of my fate and  the captain of my soul  ( invictus)  just don’t  wish me a  healthy new year !!




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new year tidy up clutterbug

I have always been a  clutter bug   well more  than that   more a clutter  monster    when ever   a  new magazine comes out in  a series   i tend to get  the   first one and   continues    even if got no   interest in the  subject,  i am always worried   that will  run out of things  to do and  have   nightmare although don’t   continue in the  night about   siting   in my flat  bored witless  although i  suppose could  do some meditating !!

A few years  ago my mum got me  a kindle thinking  all  my books  would be downloaded  onto it and  hey presto   loads more room fal but   that  does  not seem  to have happened   not one  incy   bincy  bit   in fact  found  my kindle     the other  week and   need to renew  my bank  details and also   read the  manuals   on how the  thing  is  to be used !!

A friend   says  u  are   just  giving  yourself  comfort  but  their   is a limit to  how much comfort   u can have from a    so-called  blanket  before  it  chokes u so  have to decided  to have a massive  clear out    of my books   cos   as my dad  says   if u live  to  be  11o   can’t reaD THEm all    but   keep  reading  !!! ha    about   sometime   u have to   get  rid to move  forward  !!

christmas   and new year  is upon   us  i have put money away  to go to theatre  productions  even if next may  not bothered , all  i want is  peace  of mind   and to be  able to switch off  and relax  met someone   the other day   who was   talking   abt   christmas  and  some  table-cloth  that   was  not ironed  and  looked   wrinkly and by the end  was  covered    in spodges !!! but to me the  wrinkles and  splodges   show  u have lived  my life  is   full of   strain and  shows  with  my various  health probs  but   would  hate  to  finish a    christmas  celebratory meal   with  nothing  on   it !!!!

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