media and me

I  have   a  bizarre relationship with  modern-day   media and my  various   disorders  so to speak    such as  adhd    asd  ptsd  and not forgetting   diabetic   which loves  to be  shown  on  various   tv progs    normally  mixing   the total difference of    high blood sugars  (  hyperglycemia)  and hypoglycemia  ( cld be  life  killing  if do it   wrong)

Rainman  I have mixed   feeling    abt    people  ask me   if wld like to   visit a  casino  (and if  i believe   that  cats and   dogs    fall out of the sky  when   it is raining but the   good   things a bout  these    type of progs    they get  people  talking  about the conditions in an every day   sort of  way  although it is annoying  to   find a   character   diagnosed   with  adhd    and  few months   down this  line   the  condition is  not  mentioned again  either  they get bored  or just  think that   enough info  for  that  unless  they know   something  we dont    abt miracle  over night cures

people    like   to show   tv  progs  wih asd  adhd as   quirky  like  Roy   in roys   rolls  in corrie   never  really the difficulties and   distress    shown    with these conditions .,    so eccentric    lovable    but odd   !!!!

last year      the new    craze    everywhere  was  gadget  toys   wld not surprise me   if they   had   such things  at  high  powered  meetings    but  that all  they were for the majority   of people    a   summer craze    lasting   a few weeks or  months  if lucky  not a  an assset  to    help people   on the  spectrums i wonder  if office   had   other gadgets    to   play  with  like pip cleaners   well the  mind boggles !!!

I also  wonder who  invented the open  plan classroom  / office    for someone   like   me it is  pure pure   hell   hearing    things     from  other domains   that   have nothing   to do  with me    i would  love   to   take   someone woh  does not   understand  my noise fetish  to   be  taken to   a  heavy metal  concert   in an  airport    and made  to   listen  to    the    racket   with  not being  able to   escape  !!!   ha    evil  streak right   through me  woah   they   wld    understand    sensory  overload   then !!!!

one  of the  wonders of   ad hd   is hyperfocus   which  is what  alot  of entrepreneurs   have   adhd  and   in some   cases   is  considered   hey ho a   superpower  it is when  people   on the   adhd  spectrum have a   strong interest  in a task with  a high  level  of concentration maybe  just  obsessed with solutions to    certain    custom  problems   and   dont    stop til   solutions  are found   so   guess  not  all  bad then  mind    turning  to jelly

so toodle   pip   i am the master   of my fate  i am the  captain of my soul

 

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hot in the heat

I have never  coped    well in the heat   and    it has  been  boiling hot in uk . I have always  had  strange   sleeping   habits   as  in    dont   seem to   get to tired    til  just     get ultra shattered   and sleep for the  world . I thought  this   was alot   better  when  they  gave me  an antidepressant for   intrusive  thoughts as     did  not  nothing  really   but  something   wonderful   helped me sleep  !!!

FOR  nearly  2 weeks   give  or take  a day or two i have been really  grasping for   breath   and  just wide   awake   and just   getting  by  on a few    hrs   sleep  last week  i was  at my  mums  just  pure   exhausted  and   despite   going  out  for   walks   round the block to help me  sleep  realised   was getting   me no where  and with dad  playing  bowls   we decided to  get  taxi to local hosi  were   we   went  walk in  centre  and  waited     but when  eventually seen sent to    A and  E  as   to   do with  breathing   / heart   and taking   no chances   after   2   x rays   one  did  not show  as much   as my   body  as   they wld  like and  discussions  on  ECG and racing   heart  beat  sent  home  with an  app  at    sudden  chest pain  clinic   next week    t heir   is  such an assortment   of clinics   these day   but this   obviously  for people  in sudden pain with no  history   of this  before    so luckily dad  appeared  as  we   had left  message  on door     AT  HOSI    how  to  panic  someone   needlessly    we were   home  and   still  more or less  in same  situation as    before   just want  to go   out   and  do massive  rain  dance  and  never   moan  about  our   wet summers   again but  no it was  still as dry as a desert   and although    did  not have any   answers  as  such  mum  went on her   merry  holiday  to Scotland   her jaunt   to    escape the  stresses and   strains of life !!!!   huff puff  !!!

Hermit the crab

I    would not say i am a   hermit    but dont   mind  my own company      for some   absurd  reason  thinking   alot about   crabs and  how do they   feel   , aspergic people  are often   viewed as loners    but they are   just  choosy  about the   company they   keep  and  need to   recharge    own  batteries  alot  !!

The   crab called     hermit

what is  your name ?

hermit   is my  name  i am happy  hermit

where  do  you  live  ?

What  are  you ?

I am a  cell    who lives  alone  in a sea shell

are   you  happy ?????
I am  inside  the  shell   life is heaven   but  outside   life  is hell

do u  have  a message for the world  ??????

errr yer   my message  to the world is farewell  !!!

in other     words   who are we  to judge !!

 

 

moving on moving home

seems  I am  at long last   moving on    been  looking   half  heartedly for   nearly 2 years    but    within  a week of  a housing  charity    (  the brill  white chapel)      have found me  a place   ( still got  everything  crossed ) although have  yet    to give notice  on place  I am in now  and  have to  get  hold of  deposit  and the    first months   rent   (  all  money money    new  Abba  film  out tomorrow!!!!!!!

I  often  need more than a push as  anxiety ocd   asd   etc  etc  etc takes   hold  was   looking    on the   council   waiting list  but  this  is  quicker   when private  and the housing  agency will  help  me  with  practical  matters  and they  are  not worried   about  me on the  sick and seems alot easier    with no pets or kids

,I  do not understand   why have  to pay  100  quid   just to be  on their   books  !!

I  still love Invcitus   and seems  100%  weird   that    found this  flat  on the  day Mandela   would  have been  100   today     be sure  out of the night  that covers me  black as  pit from pole   to pole  I thank  what ever    GODS  may be   for my unconquerable    soul ;;;;;;;;; I am  the  master of my fate  i am the  captain of my soul

The mental ITCH !!!!

I am shattered    tired out  fighting so many ailments ( get the violins  OUT Nothing more

I have  seen so many therapy people over the  decades   some brill   some okish  and some  damn  awful !!!!!

I am under   a  strong belief   ocd   started  years ago  with   compulsion s  to read  everything   under the  sun  in the   right order   appearing   more  or   less as   soon    as cld read   well  before  reception  years !!!

A lot of what   i do is  habitual  full of    ritual   that    are plainly nonsensical  one of them i always    have to watch  itv     weather as it tells  me  the  sun set  sun up time s !!!!!!

I don’t  reread  thing s as other wise   i would  never   be  happy with it  and  prob  just  delete  and  never    finish anything  and once    some thing is  gone   well u  just  can’t get it back  I  reckon   if don’t     give  in to   various   compulsions  will in the wrong  run just  make  my ocd  aspergers   adhd  ptsd    what ever the   label  is just worse  if  i was  a  disney film  i wld like to   press a   button  and  just   basically  start all  over again!!!

I  love to do  everything in the   right order   so   if  had  a colouring   book  wld start  with picture   1  and  colour   right the  way  through   I  remember  being in  school     wld  get    worse  as   counted   how many days to bonfire   fire night   christmas     half  time  at times i   just w anted to meet  up with some one   every  120   hrs  as that  is how long

blood cells last in!!!!

I  know this is  all  weird   and is really odd /weird   writing  this   down  and  quite   bluntly  although  these   rituals   compulsions make me happy  at the    same time   is driving   myself and parents  insane !!!!!!

I have  LONG lists  of things   to do like    read all of Shakespeare  plays  and then   translate  them all    into scouse   i tried  to  do   this with paradise  lost  but only did a page OR  TWO    Translating  into    scouse   and  soon   got   fed up   but  one  day may  go back to it  !!! ha    !!!  count to  100000000000000000000000000000  !!!!!!

you  may have notice   but punctuation   does    not  bother me   maybe   because   i know   if  read   through  things  i will  never    be happy  with  any   sentence  and  will  keep on editing  and   changing   things  around  and   will   never post    anything  as will  never  be  satisfied   although one  day     may  reread    proof  read   and check  it all out !!   ha  !!

The one   thing  I  want  to  be  able   to do is  pictures  and  get  the  hang  of tags  and   categories and  understand  the difference   I think  ocd  effects    nearly  all  projects   along with  aspergers  and  adhd  and    never   seem to  finish     anything   just  restart    another  project    no wonder    I am so tired  and   often wonder how  other  people   cope   answers on a   postcode    checking    stuff  is  fine    like with  spellcheck   but often   ocd    is   like   a mental    that   does   not see   go away

I am  the master of my fate   i am the   captain of my soul !!!!

HOT HOT HOT !!

THE  WEATHER IS BOILING  HOT AND  MUST ADMIT   JUST ABT   COPING JUST SO RELIEVED  THAT I DONT  WORK AS IN A PROPER  JOB AS   BECOMING  REALLY  LETHARGIC  AND FROM A YOUNG   AGE   HAVE NOT  LIKED  BEING   DRESSED   I  TO MANY CLOTHES  IN A VERY  SKIMPY MANNER  AS     JUST    SIMPLY   HATE  THINGS   OF ANY SORT  TOUCHING  MY SKIN WHEN   AT  THE  MOST OF TIME  BUT  ESPECIALLY IN THE   HEAT !!!!   DUE   TO  BEING  ASPIE I VERY RARELY   WATCH  JEW  AS   YET AGAIN FEEL IT AGAINST  MY SKIN  AND IF   NOT ALREADY  TYPING IN CAPITALS   WLD DO AS  SO  ANNOYING AND  IRRATING  ( RANT OVER  !!!!!!! )

AGES   AGO   I TOLD  U ABT  DAD AND  PROBLEMS  WITH  HIS  WATERWORKS  WELL  HE   IS STILL  WAITING AND   ALTHOUGH NOT IN PAIN AS   SUCH   IT  CANT  BE HEALTHY  TO HAVE  A CATHETER  SO LONG ON  I HAVE  HEARD  U HAVE TO  TEACH  YOURSELF AGAIN TO WEE!!!!!  ANYHOW  WAS NOT DOING  TO BADLY ALTHOUGH  THEIR IS  A  STRONG   OLD PEOPLE   SMELL   LINGERING   ABT  WHICH HAVE  NOT TOLD  HIM ABT (  NOT TOTALLY  HEARTLESS )  AND  DAD IS   WORRYING  THAT  THE  CALL TO COME IN WILL BE  WHEN THE  FOOTIE  STARTS  AGAIN !!!!

SO ALL  seems   well really enjoying the   world   cup footie wise and really enjoyed the  excitement of  spain v    russia  and  then again  penalties with  Denmark v Croatia   and even  mum got  excited  and   cos had  spain in the sweep came to watch them   go out !!!!!!! aahhh the drama and also do like the  different countries  coming together  to see  how many  footballs   can go into the net  ( well thats its   basically ) !!!!!

Tried  to get  touch  with dad   but  no can do   seemed his mobile on blink   but  just before  going to  Shakespeare  reading grp  got  call to say   he was  home  with antibiotics

as had  real bad water infection and  honestly was not   worth   all that  hassle  and  worry as not long after coming home and resting pm  he was out playing bowls  !!!!!! sure  the NHS wld have something to  say on that  but he  did not  want to let  his    team   down  huH  !!!! or he  just wanted  to  play the hero !!!

I  was  glad he was  well leaving , me to concentrate on changing my few old  tenners found in flat so easy peasy got more money in pocket  not  kidding it   was hot   and  finding a   cool place to  read in LIBRARY  was  not easy we tried  the  garden  and it  did not have  enough shade and also it meant taking  carrying  chairs  tea coffee and other refreshments through the  library and  then after  calls of  just to hot came back in the  main windows cant  be opened  as the windows  are on the main on the roof  so try again we went out in to the lobby were it was a  shade cooler although   not sure if the security  liked  us  reading out loud   when they   just  wanted some peace or i decided  we  best  put it all on hold when  realised  reception class   milling about  and  we were on the last act of  Othello not  actually  full of joy more of  stabbings  suffocating  and yells  of strumpet  and  whore   best   just  relax in the  lobby til the  5/6  yr old   had passed  by none the    wiser   what  we   where reading !!!

I must admit  found  all this  shattering and myself  with various   family  health housing   worries  decided  to call next week a  tea party  day and  have a rest  til the  cooler weather came along   yep    might  as well as  wait til   september

home exhausted   but  all  well at least til  bedtime  were just found  it to difficult to breathe and this went out  til  1 in the  with head out  of window just to  damn   hot  !!!!! might  as well rain  til  september !!!

meltdown !!!!

Just lately   the   world  and its  mother  has being   using the  word  meltdown more and  more   when   all  that has happened   is life  has  got  slightly on top of people !!

meltdown is what  autistic people have  when life is  so frustrating anger  erupts so   strong  and just  generally confusion  totally  reigns  so all you can do is  meltdown  which is  more  will totally lash out   become totally uncooperative   and  lose all  sense of control

I was  allegedly a very  quiet   baby who had to  be woken up (   very quiet  babies  are  a worry  really  as  babies  are   supposed  to cry)  but then  as a toddler   became  the  devil child  and would scream and throw  self on floor  just cos  someone called me  a good little  girl  screaming  ” NO  I am a bad girl   actually  have  no  explanation   for me doing this !!! ( does  appear a little  strange .

I  actually as  child   I had very few  meltdowns  as   was  happy with  my books and reading   although was  an  elective  mute  in school  i was  relatively happy  in my own little  world   just   basically  did not want to  communicate  with people

Things  became more  difficult  as left  school and people  wanted me to  go out to clubs etc what  teenagers  do  but  i was  happy  in my own world just  reading the lesson  being  if your  child wants  to be alone  let them be .

MY meltdowns   have become   worse over the years as   events  took  hold  and  due  to  abusive   events as  a   young teenager   led me to  develop  true  blown ptsd  which has  led  to the  meltdowns    to be  alot more   frequent   due  to flashbacks  !!! ( I  do know  what hell is  like  cos  I  live their )when  i   have   a meltdown these  days  is  I scream and yell continuously  and  wreck everything around   my teeth clench  and i   feel the   need  to  bite  things anything  !! hell and    x10000000000  that’s how I feel and  have  lost  various teeth  because of the  clenching  so   you  can see  how  upset  i feel  when people    keep  saying they are   having a meltdown  ( get a  grip  )

It is always   best  to try and  stop the meltdown before  it   begins  i  rarely  have   a break down with my   various   reading    grps  as  they  tend  to  ask   listen to what i have to  say   I actually    do know  what is   best for me  others  may think they  do but they actually do !      Once a  meltdown  begins it is  best  if about  to let  it continue    because  like a pressure  cooker   hissing  dont get    to close !! as  just    generally just    to full of emotions  to listen   to any advice  !!

oh well  tomorrow is another  day and people on the whole  try and  understand me  !!! HA  try being  the  operative    word  !!

and never  forget  I am the master of my fate  I am the  captain of my soul