just abt managing !!!!

I have  begun  to be   quite  frightened abt  digging  to  much into  brain  conditions and labels  as  find my self  diagnosing  with  everything although  I went on a course the  other week  about  adhd and  something  called  co morbidity   think  that  i were  if u  are on the autistic    wavelength  you are  more than likely  tuning  into adhd  as well and is highly  likely you have  this   thing emotional deregulation  bit   like   a train  going  off the   rails   your emotions have done the  same !!!

people  who  hAVE  NOT GOT  THESE  conditions in the  family  or themselves  do not  understand why it is   so important to have a formal diagnoses  and it    is  quite  simple it confirms  your thoughts  and  you have    no chance  of getting help unless  formally  got a diagnoses     and it can  be  very demoralizing  being told why is   it so important  to have  the label it  just explains  things and knowing  it is  physiological    wow  helps nearly 90 %

I am   quite  happy to  talk about my  brain and  its countless  problems  cos  dispite them  if u get  to know me  I am not that  different   from other people  you may know in

---

your  address   book !!!!   and i tell people i am diabetic   cos u never  know when may  have diabetic  attack but   the same with  ADD   asd  and ptsd    and  any other  arrangement of letters   that  i carry around  with me.

Emotions are not  valued enough  and how  we are effected  one of the  symptoms of  adhd  is extreme  reactions  to  situations but on being told that u   have  to wait maybe   up to  three years for help the  trauma of this obviously makes things worse and wld  no way happen  if was a physical  ailment  but still  fight on Macduff   and  out of the night that  covers me black as  the pit from pole  I thank  thee God for my unconquerable  soul  wld not be   good   to give up as  that   would  prove  defeat  but am getting  rather   tired  now  !!

It has  also been  proved   that people  suffering from adhd  / autism are more likely to suffer as well  from ptsd  which has been a puzzle  for    ages why   does  one person get ptsd  and not the  twin / friend  who went  through the  same  experience !!!

the worst  thing i find with my     unusual  brain  is the  way my thoughts  go round  in loops and  have to try   and find  ways     of  halting the  loop of thought !!

I have been for  CBT  countless  times  but has no effect  and  to challenge the  thoughts  when   creep into my    conscious but this so difficult    when all  other  systems  in my body are   breaking   down and   having  a hissy    fit  and so called   experts   tell me   all I am doing is  catastrophizing  the  situation   oh no i am  not these   situations  have  happened so  not  making  mountains  out of molehills and   react  far to quickly  situations without thinking  of the  consequences    such drinking loads of  lager / cider    chocs   not good idea  but  deffo  when not a diabetic  !!! feeling tired   now and want  a cuppa   and  going to  think of  the  different solutions i have   to get myself out of   my whirlwind !!

 

 

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Anniversary meal

Tomorrow is my parents   52   wedding  anni  so   thought   shld     do  something  for their   golden  wedding we  went for   a weekend  in LLanduno and oh how the  football  fixtures   went our way  as   no    footie   games  so cld relax  as it was  also GRAND  National  weekend  always  been   big occasion on Merseyside   although  dont think we had  no  winners  but still that  was   2016  long time  ago

I had thought  that the   derby   match   was on a   sunday but  on finding it was on the  8th not 9th yer   why not go out  for  a meal

So  seeing   parents  do  a big  food shop on Thursday best   stop   then saying  I  would  take them out   my dad   seemed  a bi disgruntled  and  said we  will see and  other ahhhhh   cant be bothered  and    another  time   or  oh ok will  gpo myself  or just take   my mum  but  the  anniversary  is this  Sunday   so wont be  the same without the  bride and  groom or  on a different date  does  not really do the justice   !!!!! so be it  will   go out myself or go to the  usual   book grp ,  I always  loved the  story    of the chicken (think was chicken who asked  for  help and  got  none  so did   it all  herself !!!!

Awhile  my dad   said  he  had forgotten the  date   and so  yer    order  the  table for  a meal out  although we were  a day  early does not  really matter   as  all busy tomorrow i am going to  a toilet  party (   no  not  doing  that    today we will  flush  that out on  a later day ) so all booked  the   derby was  a draw so  was pleased   alththough tofffees    got pretty close    especially towards the  end   so off  we went .

My dad is   still  waiting  for  an op on his prostate  and my mum  been partially  deaf  for  at least a month so went to   one of  wirrals   faves  for lots  of people   if ever in this neck of the  woods  go to   shippams   IN Irby   village    you wont be   disappointed  unless you dont book before  hand only a slight   of chance  of getting  in with maybe  a  incywincy   grp of people  !!! enough promotion  anyway !!

I was  getting more and  more   frazzled with  intrusive thoughts  so  just  hope they come  with some   solution cos   my  life is  unbearable  as it is   at the moment  even with a  sprinkling  of Invictus   out of the  night  that covers me  when feeling  really frazzled  does nothing   the only  actual time  at peace is  when   asleep !!

Anyhow  we  arrived  and the  room was  relatively  full  various    grps   being  nosy  mum and myself  love people  watching   my dad   sees no point  in this   joyful occupation but  here   we were   wondering  who was  80  ahhhh she looks well for  8o   will any more  guests  be coming  or  are these   spare places so they can look over the pub  ahhhhh  no here  is a  load  more  guests and  the  8o old just   arrived  as the  big  give a way  he  had  a huge cake and was opening the  cards and presents   simples !!!!

I was very puzzled  by the  statement   on our  table  that  we  get 8 liqueur s  free with a  coffee  but on another  table  it  said    only 2 liqueurs  free and one table  had   nine  and also 8 drinks was a bit  much for  my self and  dad not keen but when i questioned  my puzzlement parents   roared and  said   thats  the table   number  not how many  free  drinks  oh not such  fun  then  as  lets   rush to table  9  oh  hum   3 courses later for a tenner  , well  just over and home we went    big meals  always make  people  sleepy  not going to  find out  why today l !!!! just relax  and watch some Agatha christie i am not  to keen oh her   but gave it a  try  last week and  relax   with a tea had   enough  of liqueurs for one  day  ( yeawn )

I

 

 

 

 

fall forward not back

i have been  told   that  it is considered   highly likely  got  adhd   and the waiting  list  is   very long to say the list  , just  lets  say wonder   what the  world   be like  in 2021.
I  think  their  is so many  people  out their   who  think of  adhd  and  picture  a  little  kid who  runs  around  and never  sits  still   not that  they can’t   cope with  a long  line of  instructions or that  one of  the main symptoms is   really   Intense   emotions  yer   that sums  me up as  when  i am happy i am very hyper and   boping around  all over the  place and  the downs  w hen some one says  something   i disagree  with or any  criticism   send me  in to  a mad spiral   of  self destruct

add on to  all this  aspergers and ptsd    no wonder  that  i  act  as if all   the   fuses in the  box  are  going to  explode all of a sudden   be wary that  is all  i can say.

i bet  u are thinking that is what  we  are  all like but no if u very lucky  u will  just find me in the middle the  place to be  not the  top of any thing   but the bottom  but  you can actually see the  adhd when for arguments    sake someone  puts  cheesy  music  on  I am the first one   up  dancing   away but   if  anyone  makes  a comment such as calm down  that  fires me  the  other way as  criticism makes me  spiral  out of control   the other  way  rejection sensitive  is    common with   such brain   conditions as  adhd   add   etc etc

I wonder   what  makes people    want to be   a top  notch politician   with all the  abuse  they  receive  must    admit i am   very strong labour supporter and love   discussing  politics but  thats as  far as it goes   and prob  turn the  knife  a bit  with the other lot   but  what  ever side   they   go on   they    must be pretty  strong-willed  to take up such a profession

I know   when my parents  were   house  hunting   got so close   to getting A HOUSE  ALL TO FALL  AT FINAL  HURDLE AS    A  MOTORway   being   built  behind the other people’s house and they  changed their mind !!  I am  pretty  sure  that   would  send me  hysterical   that   would  never  want to move again .

oh well   life is   a learning   curve  and  sometime  feel  1  step   forward   30000  back  but  as  they  say  does not matter   how many   times  you  fall  its   how many  times   you get  up  that counts  !!!   or   to  put it another  way  a least  falling  forwards  not backwards  hopfully    ahhhh     I am the master of my fate   i am the  captain of my soul  ahhh  deep breaths

 

 

Easter

As  said  not a wld not  come top of the  class   in  following  Jesus    and  his good   ways but on the other hand pretty  sure wld not be  thrown  in the wasteland  as do  kinda believe   lets  just  say  don’t like going over the same  story over and over , i am quite sure  he would   be  quite  understanding  as  the main plus   points of jesus   is  who he keeps    company  with   !!!  although  not to sure on  God ,

Yesterday   youngest  niece    came with   brother  as going  to  Goodison park yer  it was not  good    and  i rushed  to town to  get   Easter  stuff  only to come  home to be   told   going  to bananas a kids  play area  i wld have thought grown out of it but  apparently  not i  like   it  really as    does  not need  to  be kept   an eye on   leaving  me o read in  peace  although  the odd  yell of he hit   me    often  yells out  , also   we can take  turns  going   round the  few  shops in Birkenhead  !

home for   Jenga  were   of course  lou was  the    champion  but  took it  in good   spirits    although  maybe not singing   ” I am the  champion  .

I had been    really good    with my diabetes  testing 4/5  times a day the blood  and not only  that  writing it  down in diabetic   diary  not  done  that  for   donkeys   years   but   of  course  spanner  approaches  in good  works as  my blood machine   gone   wrong  and keeps  coming up  e9 your  guess is good  as mind  so   gone  back to  guessing  what dose  to give  so not to bad !!!  although  a lot   that   goes on with being   diabetic is  hidden and  this may be   why  get   all  this  throbbing  pain in fingers or bending  funny or  could   just  be    viking   hand  that   sounds  a whole   lot cooler !!

EASTER  day  for   awhile hunting  for  assortment of eggs left  behind  by the  Easter   bunny   never heard of  such a thing  when i was   kid  just got  choc egg   and  when   became   diabetic   got   money which was  better !!!

when Erin  who is 18  was little and   daisy  her sister  remember   them staying  and remarking  that the  Easter   bunny  was  coming  and leaving a  trail of  eggs to   follow  er  news  to me and  a mad panic   of  plonking   eggs all   over the  place !!!

ho hum such is life .

I was expecting  Eva  to stay  a few days   and all  sort of plans  with  yet more    EASTER hunts and  craft  days   but  no we  heard  the  Easter  weather  forecast so quick  diversion to  riverside  park which  has been  made out of old  rubbish site  at   bank of Mersey ,  a few   walking  races   that  all  fit for  these  days  and  a version of    bake-off with meringue    strawberries  and  cream   leave to that   to imagination !

On the  wirral  the last  few days  been  a staging  of the passion play with  the  last  supper    trial and    death  in a tomb at  Birkenhead   priory and   then a live  a gain  party  at  Birkenhead park so will leave   you with a   verse  abt   jesus  picked  up on my travels  .

Once there   was a baby

born in a manger , conceived  by a lady

without any  danger

visited by    3 kings   they followed the  star

gifted   by 3 kings   because    he was the  star

Once  there  was  baby  who   grew  up as a changer

conceived    by a  young lady to  be in danger

ummm only time   will tell  just wondering  what  happens   to all the   not sold    Easter eggs   used to be  able   to get loads of  cheap eggs  but   now they  just  disappear not

sure   why i am   bothered    being  diabetic   temptation  be   death of me    ummm  but i am the  captain of my soul  I am the   captain of my fate !!!

80 not out !!!

The other  Saturday  (st patricks ) day  went  to a friends    80 th  nothing   these  days   unusual    about that  but  i was  looking forward  to it   which   is   really quite   surprising  for me  as  rarely  look  forward to anything   ,  prob    turn   every thing   to a challenge  that   is something   to do   so people will  see that  lou can go out and about  !!  without  causing   to  much upset .

I was   genuinely    pleased   when i  met  my old   friend   Moira who  i have known for   10 years  when i  officially started  the   reader  org   Shakespeare  reading  thingy and  remember a decade ago   Moira  came  in   carrying  a  cake  to   share  round the   grp   which  was  pretty  large and we   have   carried  on being   good   friends   throughout the  decade  up until  the  last  few  years  I met  up with  moira  and her  good friend   Elsie  who was exactly   a decade older again  but we  always got  on except her  fiery  nature  to put it mildly  never   a  dull moment   with     our  Else    used to   meet   up  most Fridays  to   go to   mackies (  not keen myself  although   coffee not bad  )   but  they liked   it    with their happy meals  each week  which  were  taken  up stairs  for  them by the  kindly staff   ( never seen  it done  for  anyone   else mind )    but still  would not dare ask !!!

Always   amused    because   I do like   Shakespeare (never used to ) and   as  soon as Elsie   saw me  she would grin and  say   ” no ”   and  which I wld   reply   ” Not asked  u yet  but   u would like    MY   Shakespeare  not  like  other  people’s   !!!!!!

Sadly  Elsie   passed  away    just before   last  christmas  but   was glad    i   visited her  in  her  old people’s  home  were she still  had some of  her    charm (  umm wrong  word   she  cld be a   pain ) I remember  coming  home from   a  book shared   reading  grp  very upset  as Elsie  had told  me  i was not  to  talk  and  she  wanted  to  read  so that’s  what i did  said   absolutely   nothing  which  is really not   like me   but  i was  determined not  to say  anything    and  went home    victorious  but fuming   ”  not going to that   grp she wont   let me speak  ”  but  she  is in her  late   80s  why are   u taking  any  notice of her  speak   up for  yourself   ummm suppose  so   but   that   was the last time  saw   Elsie   in  a book grp sadly   and although  she  riled  people    brought  a  smirk /  smile  as well !!!

Anyhow back to Moira  and her do  we  were  supposed to be  going  to  a Chinese in  parkgate  which sounded   great   although i dont  drive  and  although  know  my  way  around getting to   parkgate  it is really not the easiest  thing  in world   so  I know  this  sounds  awful but  was mightily  relieved  that  the  do was  at her home and not the  hassle of   finding   transport   although was  distressing  to hear MOira   had  a bad fall  which  she happens to do alot  since  going  on a  try not to  fall over   course   perhaps Moira has  wrong  idea  about   what the  course meant  but  since   going  on such a course  she seems to have so  many accidents   but   always with a  smile on face !!

I asked   what  time to get their  and  told  oh  the  afternoon  , yer  that could  mean  anything  but   3.00  was the  time  told  to get their   so that  was the  time  arrived  be  it  slightly late  as   charity  shop having a  10  books  for a  quid  sale so  who cld resist  and then posh coffee  to examine  wares and  then had to  find the place   ,  meant   a few people   on my way but everyone  looking  blank when mentioned  the address   even when i was   2 minutes  from said    address  never heard of it   , well will  find it myself  then and so she did  .

Ha  turning   into the  close   cld tell   which was the house  as had a large  assortment  of balloons in window   so off   I trot  bit bemused   to  go in  to   “oh u  are   very early ”  abit unsure of my self  as no noise  or anything  and then it   hit me  ” oh everyone  else  is coming   for  about  4.30 ish to 5   ”  Oh great  i thought  inside   but  laughing   said out aloud   ” oh well i am   here now  !!!! and  no way   was i  heading back the  way i came   ha ha   typical  but  knew  i had the  time   right for  what  she gave me   never  mind the others !!! i   have always   got  on  really well with dogs   alot of autistics  do with animals  actually  so was   really  happy just  playing with   the   dog belle  so all well ends well   even the  real   guests     arrived  yeons  later  !!!

I  felt really at ease with the   family   am not the best    with  people   don’t know  but   really all u  have to do in life  is be yourself  and  just   think  they also  are  in the  same position !!!

By the time  the    guests  really arrived   I was   quite  chuffed to  realise    it  was a do  mainly for the  family with a   few   very select  friends   so   was   so pleased and  chuffed to  be asked   and the  reason she  asked me their   a few   hrs  earlier than  everyone else  was  must   be   very good  company and  a few  fruit ciders  after    it was  like  i knew the  crowd   all my life .

Amused  to hear  my patents  say when came  home  late eve    ” thought  u had been  to an  80th expected   you home   hrs a go   ahhhh bu it went with a bang  !!!!

Belief !!!! ummm

I   remember  awhile back  leaving a theatre  in Liverpool and  strolling along   to cafe   we both like  their  was a man     shouting out    about Jesus and the  usual   you have to believe in him to have    everlasting  life .  To tell  you the   truth was not  to   bothered  but my friend was   and  got  upset  saying it   was not   true  and   their   was  prof  that   their   was no   God /  Jesus  who ever she  was  quite   adamant on her    beliefs  .

I was not bothered  by the man yelling out   no harm   done  just  carry on going , i used to    go to church as a young  kid  as  my  best mates  dad  was the  minister  of a church so   off I went  must  admit   quite liked the  stories  but never thought about  them  my beliefs that   strongly   left   the church environment when about   10    as  best mate   went to live   down south  and just  did not  have the  same  pull  as used to   and actually an awful lot of the  children’s workers were  down and out bullies  hen about so glad  to leave ,!!!

I did not  go to  church  for a while but started  again when about   16  again mainly  again  cos friends  from school  were  going  although did  not really fit in I  the liveliness of the   church  very different  from church   grew up in but  because  of aspergers and other health conditions   diabetic   again  did  not really fit  in as at the  time  was only on 2 injections at set times  which led  to huge   difficulties   when  eating late  evening  or  just eating an hr or so later . i drifted  off again when  friends  moved off  to come back briefly  but  i  love reading all types of books and  they  did not like it  that  i preferred a wide   variety of books  and reading  just one the  bible  was boring  yer i know the  stories of  Easter and   Christmas  inside  and out  so no time  to leave  .

That was   it   with  churches and   their  inclusiveness   which    i  never found  til mums  church  the original on closed   down and mum  went to  a church of  England  to me it  was  far to stuffy  but attached  to the  church was a community centre  were they  have films  singing  day (  just  for  fun )  reading  grp and mental  health meetings  most   churches   don’t  talk  about  that    very  important the  brain so yer i was in and  found they  dont  hassle me to go  to anything  but if turn up   yes  i am made welcome is  that  not the  way it should be   ummm Jesus  hung about  with the outcasts not the  popular  ones that  is the  whole point !!!

so today  what  do I say when  someone asks  what my religion  is not  sure i kinda am in the  middle  still, cos  of my   mental  health issues   especially with   ptsd  and intrusive  thoughts    it is  very difficult  even  if wanted   tobe all  saintly and so called   christ like but  i am not a demon  or a saint  and  also my heart is not filled with  taint.

I am still   me if   GOD  exists  or even  subsists  but  if he  does   not  surely  Love still  exists   what ever  happens in the  end love  exists  sometimes  we have times of  delight sometimes time of  despair  but still  love in various  forms   exists    ahhh   time for  tea   going  through  one of my many  heavy thinking  moments  and to  much   typing  leads to my fingers   being  in agony  but thats  another story .

 

 

 

melting

over  the last  few years    i seem to  be  collecting  more and  more labels    cld imagine   them all on my wrist    DYSPRAXIA    ASD    OCD HIGHLY   SUSPECTED   ADHD  AND  PEOPLE  THINK PSD  OR SOMETHING  MIGHT    EXPLAIN ALL THESE      labels  letters    but you can  see why  get  confused   when people   expect  me to behave   in certain   way and  get  frazzled   so tend  to   not to  bog  people   with the   whole list   although  the   best people are   aware    what  is up   but   just  see me as  LOU .

So why blog  on these    type  of   conditions   because   on the  whole    they  are invisible    so  people   are not aware   that  when   go in a   certain shop and  changed  the  layout  it is very distressing  and  throw  me out  of   kilt     ahhhhh yes  we are  all like that   don’t like   change  !!!  but I bet   if u go  to a certain  shop and  cant  find  a certain  item don   sit   on floor   and make  strange  noises   (  no thought  not )

I hear   alot of  times  we all have    little   quirks but     if   I was  a   Disney    film wld   love to do  a  film like vise   versa  or big   and change places  and at the end  you would  i never   knew  what it  was like   but sure   do now  , i am not   sure if  would change  over as  does  has advantages   as  am   very rarely  bored  !!!!!  what is  that   boredom always    books  to read   and  documentaries    picture  to   colour     noooooo h  dont   do  or know  boredom   apart  from when  told    i cld not  look at  anything  as had a cataract  op  !  that  was  my closest  experience  to it    suppose in hind   sight  (wonderful thing )   could  have  had one of those    audio  type  books    NNNNNNoooooooooh   like to follow  the   words  !!!  but  then again   as   people  say  you  never  know   give   it  a  go

Words   are  quite   strange  as  alot  of   statements   have  two  meaning    and  can   never understand   why  people   say     ”  do  u want  a piece  of  cake   ”  err  no  fine  thanks   ” are   u sure   plenty  here   and i go    no   i am fine honestly    just   a small  piece    aahhhhhhhh no   i have  said  no    NO means  NO  and yes  means yes   why  would  i say  no    if meant  yes  ,,,     cos   u are   being polite   ERRRRRRRRR  NO   dont  do that   in simple forms  I mean   what i   say and the  actions  that  follow   !!!!  ahhhhhh  can feel  anger   erupting in fingers   as type   dont   want  to  play these   funny games    NO  means yes   and yes  means  no !!!!!  ahhhhhhh fluster   fluster !!!!!!!!!!

I have   mentioned before   don’t like   phones   do like  writing  but  i know  my handwriting  causes  people probs  as i tend  to   write   as i think   and   people    comment   you  should  think of the   reader   trying  to understand  you   err  no i  have loads of ideas  coming  out  and  got  no time for  sentiment !!!  sos  but  do   quite like texting although   rarely  read them  straight    away     when  it suits me  again

Emotions  are   quite  a difficult   thing   to deal  with my mum  says  she is  constantly  walking  on eggs  shells    ( why would  u  want to walk on eggshells   hurt    yr feet     oh well   takes all sorts  to make   a world !!!

I have  read alot   about   people on  ASD    spectrum have  no empathy   but i disagree   i think it is  sometimes   you   care    to much  and   are  petrified   of   doing  the  wrong thing  so   say or  do  nothing !!!!  I show   more  empathy with people  who have been through the  same  experiences of me  not sure if  would  ever make   it as   an agony  aunt  what ever   (  do they  still  have them )  !!!

My emotions  are very strong   imagine     fighting   king  kong  and u are   just    tiny fairy   yep    the fairy  would be consumed.

I have   always been  okish  in certain  situation  like a car crash ,  child  been taken  seriously ill but  sometimes  get  taken over   by  uncertainty    and total panic      ‘what   shld I have    done   why   did  i say that  the   world  is ending   ummmmm sounds   abit like chicken  licken (  love that story )   but this is  what happens    when  i begin to panic   if something  unexpected    comes along  and  just become a  raging bull  it is  not   a nice  situation to be    and being  aspergic   if  a situation   goes wrong  i seem to  replay it on a loop   for rest of time  !!

ahhh  such is   life   tomorrow  is the other  day !!!!    deep breaths    I am the master  of my fate  i am the   captain of my soul  need  a  tea   now   all het up !!!