I sometimes  feel over come   by anger that i feel    can not    continue  living   sound  over  the  top  but true   ,    some people    just    see the  Louise   which  is     boppy and happy  others   see  the Louise who  is  easily irritated   and others  see the   full  blown anger of  not being  able to control  my emotions .

I  have  always    been a reader  but  more and more   people   say why   dont  u  write   it  may calm  u and  whilst   doing this  article  (  very posh )  i can see    what people   mean   it  is   something  calming about  more so  then   reading  although  i am not  going  to  give    that up  in a hurry !!!

people   wonder   why  i am angry    very few  people   know  the  real me  who had their  life   ripped  apart   by a  sexual attack  who is also   aspergic and  diabetic   so   no wonder  i am   angry and  crazy   especially  when u tell the   truth to people   and    they   dont   believe  you !!!

I    am so   jealous  of people  who   go  on tv and  seem to   forgive   what ever   has been done   to them   and  broadcasts   the   fact  but something  in my head   wont let  me do  that  as  various    thoughts   go round  and  round , i last   year diagnosed   my self  with  ptsd  and  maybe   next month  i will  be  get a  phone call  where  to  go   next  (   the  powers  that  be lost  my referral )

Anger    comes    from fear  so  people  say   , and  in a  way   i can see   why people think that  as  i never  know  do  i not  like  people    touching  me  cause   aspergic  and  never   really liked   touch  or is it   the deep breaths   abuse .

people also  say love   will overcome  and  before   listening  to songs of praise  and   the  football  anthem  abide  with me  came on and   i did   kind  of feel  that  someone  was  looking  after me   (i am not religious  although  used  to go to church  like to  sing )  for  those  few  moments   of calm, able   to carry on , well   this   writing  thing    must be   working   no longer  thinking of   ringing th   Samaritans  for a chat   !!!!  ummm

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

frazzly wazzly again #aspie #ptsd

Ages   since i  have  written  anything  which i should   do more  of  as  find  it  calms  me   down  but   hearing it   was punctuation   day  and knowing  how  bad i  am  at  it as   literally  can not be  bothered  here i am writing again

i am still  waiting   for help  with my ptsd  and the  thoughts  whirling   round  and round   which  will not go   away driving  me crackers  which  it was nealy  a year ago    i remember  being  referred in mid October  as i remember  it was  the  day after  my mum  broke  her leg  so  i am right  in  it  being  nearly a year  , i  have  reminded  my DR on various   occasions  but so  far   to no avail  but u never know tomorrow their maybre something  in the post just like one  day  their will be world  peace !!!

I had  other  worries   on my head  today  like where was my blood  testing  strips   i was planning  on telling  them i had lost  them and  it would be  cheaper  for me to  have them   then end up in hosi    but hey presto  i wonders  and wonders  their  they were  so can test my blood  yippeee  the relief  honestly !!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

waiting for help #ptsd

hug sigh  !!!   groan !!! banging head  against wall  not literally you will be  glad to hear but  I have  been  getting more and more  fed up  waiting  for help with PTSD  constant   chatter   well its more than  that  more like   yelling    in head with thoughts going round and round think  u have heard   this  before !!!

I decided  to  call back at  my GP and tell them  that  still not heard   anything  about the   holy grail  EMDR  treatment and  at times   life is  yer livable  and other  times  feel   lets  go on the  ferry  across  the Mersey and  not for  pleasure  !!!

The GP practice   runs  a  shared  thing so  unless  fussy   can see anyone so i did  only to be   told  their  was no evidence of   me  being their   roughly a month ago  so once   again the  usual story of   my word  against theirs !!!!

The dr  proceeded  to write  my  concerns   on a tiny piece of paper  i had to stop myself   from saying  “don’t lose that ”  but i faithfully handed  it in   desk  people  on leaving  and waited  to see what would happen

waiting is sometimes  the hardest thing to do  had they   rung me and i had missed  it  or  had   i been put down as   patient  to  be ignored  thoughts   running   away with me but hey a few  days later got  a very apologetic phone call saying the   providers  of  my  emdr   treatment   were   no longer   running and they  had   done my referral  again  so  HURRAY  PARTY TIME   (over reaction) so  here i am playing the  waiting  game agin but  what   worries  me  what  happens  to the people  who   do   not   go  back to  the     GP and ask what has happens  to their refferal   (worry  worry )  hope fully light   at end of tunnel  should  go and see   if their  is anything  in post  but  not holding breath !!!  huhhhh  sigh

Posted in stress ptsd nhs | Tagged | Leave a comment

#yoga with #dyspraxia #ptsd

i have  been   extremely stressed out   with the   thought s   whirling   around  and  around which is  driving me   crazy  my  ptsd   which    go round  and round the  loop and i cant  stop  them  “WHY DID  u not  listen  etc   can u imagine  the  same thought   going  round  and  round ,   try   thinking    have   fish fingers   for  tea  and repeat a million times and  that   how  i feel !!!

I  am   always  looking for  ways to calm    down  and  thought   today   would  give  yoga   ago at the  local  community  place    it does help as it is   free so nothing  to lose  !!

I tried  this  yeons  ago and   although  balance  not  good    doing the  tree  with  dyspraxia   is not good but it   was   good   fum  both  before  and today .

I  felt   bit panicky as  had no  idea    where  to get    mats  out   and where   to put   them  and  we had to  be  filmed   to try and  pretend   we  are  enjoying  this  but i must  admit  i did  , i think because  no-one  says   thats  wrong   all a lot of the  time i  know   i am  not in the  right place   but    does  it really matter  ,  i had   a few of these  rambling  thought  but nothing   compared  t how i was   before    i left the  house  and   actually   put  my name  down for   next week although  kept   thinking  should  i come    back  or not .   So yes it is calming   but  it is  something i will have  to  do regularly  to  get  the  full benefit .

I  felt the   whirly  thoughts    come   back   not long   after  after  arriving  home  so came on   the   computer  and   did  daft   games  and  decided  to try meditation  which  is  another   thing  which may  help  but  saying   this  will help is  completely  different   than doing  it  !!! oh well  best foot   forward  as the  person doing the  meditation  said     just   start  again   when  mind  wanders off   every   failure is a positive !! really

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

#ptsd #stressandstrain

I had  booked   to have my hair done  at the local   college  mainly because it  is cheap and  on the  whole cheerful , although the  girl today  was  lets    say a touch on the  quiet   side   although I  am aspergic . i would   say   i am relatively chatty but must admit this at  times  was off puting    i tried to  think she  was  concentrating !!

I mut  admit  i prefer  people  to  chat  a   bit  as it  stops  this ro continual chatter  inside    my head   it  can go  on for hrs and is very  difficult   to stop it  so   with the  hairdresser  being quiet the    awful   chatter   continued   if u have  ever been  with someone who doesn’t  shut up u know wot this is like  only this is continual 2166258o6327843877823  and yer   does not make  much sense

It is ptsd  with intruisve   thoughts   about   things that  have  happened   to trigger  off the  trauma  such  as  what t is   mainly  is  my parents   never understood   my need  to be  alone  due to aspergers  and  so  were   always    asking people  to stay longer  and   this  included a  friend  who  was  encouraged  to stay longer and longer   til  eventually  to cut   along   story short  i felt  something  snap in my  head   and have    never been the   same   since   oh well  at least   got   my hair co loured   red although i  am   bluenose !!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

stress and strain #reading #gadgets

ahh went to bed bloods slightly low at 4  but had a few munchies  slept okish after   mind  going over and over things i tried abit of  tapping thing and must have worked as dropped off have no idea what time i woke grabbing  for some chocs !!!  i then slept  til 9.30 ish  flat in a bit of mess  after going  hysterical   looking for mobile phone   ahhhhh  why do we need these things  !!!! bang-bang throw  everything  all over the place  then find it  the relief  ahhhh  maybe they r ok   after all  do have slight uses  very slight!!!

I was  calm  the   whole time    discussing    books and   papers   and how they   manipulate people   really learn something new everyday !!!

 my PTSD   thoughts  were      beginning to  go hysterical  when i was  saved my mum  inviting  me to dinner  um ok  although it is  her and my  family who r the  cause  mainly of the majority of  mental  distress !!!!! but that is another  story !!

I  was feeling   calmer   til  mentioned  my  middle   niece and   her upcoming   birthday and    they are   giving money   this is  something    they always  refuse  to    give me money have   t o open  something      ahhhhhh  doing  head   but  suppose   I am on a gadget   and    feel  calmer   ummm  maybe not so  bad  after all  and   birthday is not til   September  any how  so  whats the point  of going  hysterical  now   ummm madness   deep breaths tomorrow is another day

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

#moving on #PTSD #frazzled #aspie

I  have  been  going to  hypnotherapy  for  roughly   7 years  once a month  in a posh  part of   Liverpool  (there are  some )   .  I must  admit    it kept  me going   with all  the problems  of  aspergers   ocd   in  some sort of  control as   could   get the  things    that upset  out  of  my head  .

I  must  admit   the lady  gave    me  t he  sessions at   reduced  rates   which i was grateful  for    til  in the  last  few months  realized    that   aspergers   etc  was not   my only problem

I  realised   i have  intrusive thoughts  going on in my head mainly as  a result of   abuse  as  a kid  which  i   did get over    but seems  to  re-spark   when  i tell people  i don’t  want to  do something a nd  am completely ignored !!

I  began to  investigate this  and   came   across  PTSD   which  i thought    hey  no never been  in army   but then read    further   that it is brought   on by any   kind of   trauma umm interesting  i began   doing  ma doing  more investigating  and kept  hearing  bout emdr  where  u  go through  trauma doing  doing  something with  eyes  and decided this was  for me   !!!  I   feel   it is   time   to move on  as  the  hypnotherapy is not  working   and   an desperate   to get   these thoughts  out of   head  .

I  plucked  up courage  to tell  the   therapist  who  took it really badly  i must admit  i may  have  come across   a bit  narked due to the  stress  but  the end had come  i felt   so here  i am out on  a limb   hope  to   whoever  done  the right  thing only  time will tell  as i tried to explain   sometimes u  just have to move on  who says people with aspergers  don’t like change

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment