#ptsd #stressandstrain

I had  booked   to have my hair done  at the local   college  mainly because it  is cheap and  on the  whole cheerful , although the  girl today  was  lets    say a touch on the  quiet   side   although I  am aspergic . i would   say   i am relatively chatty but must admit this at  times  was off puting    i tried to  think she  was  concentrating !!

I mut  admit  i prefer  people  to  chat  a   bit  as it  stops  this ro continual chatter  inside    my head   it  can go  on for hrs and is very  difficult   to stop it  so   with the  hairdresser  being quiet the    awful   chatter   continued   if u have  ever been  with someone who doesn’t  shut up u know wot this is like  only this is continual 2166258o6327843877823  and yer   does not make  much sense

It is ptsd  with intruisve   thoughts   about   things that  have  happened   to trigger  off the  trauma  such  as  what t is   mainly  is  my parents   never understood   my need  to be  alone  due to aspergers  and  so  were   always    asking people  to stay longer  and   this  included a  friend  who  was  encouraged  to stay longer and longer   til  eventually  to cut   along   story short  i felt  something  snap in my  head   and have    never been the   same   since   oh well  at least   got   my hair co loured   red although i  am   bluenose !!!!

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stress and strain #reading #gadgets

ahh went to bed bloods slightly low at 4  but had a few munchies  slept okish after   mind  going over and over things i tried abit of  tapping thing and must have worked as dropped off have no idea what time i woke grabbing  for some chocs !!!  i then slept  til 9.30 ish  flat in a bit of mess  after going  hysterical   looking for mobile phone   ahhhhh  why do we need these things  !!!! bang-bang throw  everything  all over the place  then find it  the relief  ahhhh  maybe they r ok   after all  do have slight uses  very slight!!!

I was  calm  the   whole time    discussing    books and   papers   and how they   manipulate people   really learn something new everyday !!!

 my PTSD   thoughts  were      beginning to  go hysterical  when i was  saved my mum  inviting  me to dinner  um ok  although it is  her and my  family who r the  cause  mainly of the majority of  mental  distress !!!!! but that is another  story !!

I  was feeling   calmer   til  mentioned  my  middle   niece and   her upcoming   birthday and    they are   giving money   this is  something    they always  refuse  to    give me money have   t o open  something      ahhhhhh  doing  head   but  suppose   I am on a gadget   and    feel  calmer   ummm  maybe not so  bad  after all  and   birthday is not til   September  any how  so  whats the point  of going  hysterical  now   ummm madness   deep breaths tomorrow is another day

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#moving on #PTSD #frazzled #aspie

I  have  been  going to  hypnotherapy  for  roughly   7 years  once a month  in a posh  part of   Liverpool  (there are  some )   .  I must  admit    it kept  me going   with all  the problems  of  aspergers   ocd   in  some sort of  control as   could   get the  things    that upset  out  of  my head  .

I  must  admit   the lady  gave    me  t he  sessions at   reduced  rates   which i was grateful  for    til  in the  last  few months  realized    that   aspergers   etc  was not   my only problem

I  realised   i have  intrusive thoughts  going on in my head mainly as  a result of   abuse  as  a kid  which  i   did get over    but seems  to  re-spark   when  i tell people  i don’t  want to  do something a nd  am completely ignored !!

I  began to  investigate this  and   came   across  PTSD   which  i thought    hey  no never been  in army   but then read    further   that it is brought   on by any   kind of   trauma umm interesting  i began   doing  ma doing  more investigating  and kept  hearing  bout emdr  where  u  go through  trauma doing  doing  something with  eyes  and decided this was  for me   !!!  I   feel   it is   time   to move on  as  the  hypnotherapy is not  working   and   an desperate   to get   these thoughts  out of   head  .

I  plucked  up courage  to tell  the   therapist  who  took it really badly  i must admit  i may  have  come across   a bit  narked due to the  stress  but  the end had come  i felt   so here  i am out on  a limb   hope  to   whoever  done  the right  thing only  time will tell  as i tried to explain   sometimes u  just have to move on  who says people with aspergers  don’t like change

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#Iamautistic #wordsof advice @kthopkins

dear  Katie ,

Last  Thursday I  decided  to watch the    programe   born  naughty  as  these   programmes  hold  an interest to me  as I  myself  am on the   autistic   spectrum !!

I watched  Honey and  thought   to  myself  here is a family  who is   trying  to find out  what is wrong with  their daughter to  have such  meltdowns  whilst  at other  times be extremely  pleasant and caring child  , it struck me that their other  children seemed not to have such  problems  so  could  not  be the parenting  style .

I  myself  have  aspergers  (form of  autism )  and ptsd as a result  of the amount of trauma in my life so I myself known what it  is like not to be in control of your emotions  and go  totally hysterical  because  something as simple as a shop design being  changed  can  send u more or less  hairless !!!

I had thought  that  other people in the  country  would  be  feeling the   same  as me   so i was horrified   when  heard on the  media  what u   had  posted on  twitter  , i realise    this is  have made  a name for  yourself   by   making  controversial  comments but   amazes   that u  think so   differently  from other people on social  media

The   reason  i took for  the  parents   having a diagnoses  was  that   they could  get   help for their  daughter as   i myself  am  autistic  i know that  being  with the  right people  and the   right  enviroment makes all the  difference  !!

i REALLY   FELT   for honey  when she   was unable to  tell the  story  of the   3 pigs  I must  admit   i am   someone  who finds  story telling  relatively  easy but   everyone is  different  and that   is what makes the   world  interesting.   I noticed  she  was  really   panicking  when asked   to do  and felt for her  !!  I   am autistic    but  am able to feel   for other  people   mainly because  of  my love of   reading   which i have  been  obsessed with  since a  toddler   reading helps  you see  another  prospective

I  have  been   extremely  ill in the  past  but    i belong to   a reading  charity where  small   groups  of people   read  books  together  and discuss  things   through   doing  this   you  learn   lots of  different   view  points and maybe   learn to see   things   differently !!!

I am  not sure   wether  you have heard   of mark haddon who  wrote  the   curious  incident  book  but   I suggest  you  have a read  if  u  are in the  merseyside  area i will give  u copy  through reading that book or seeing  it on stage will perhaps make u see how  difficult  it is for people like  myself  to travel  and do what   so-called normal  people take  for granted   take care  and  i really  hope   u  read this   and maybe  take my advice  i really  think it  might make the  world of  difference

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#Theboyin thestripedpyjamas #aspietheatre

LiverpooI heard   just before    christmas  that   their was   a trip  going  to Liverpool   to see  the boy in the  striped  pyjamas  . I  think most people   have  either   read the   book or seen the    film so yes  knew  exactly  what happened at the  end  !!

The  reason we were  going   was that i do volunteer   work for the  reader org  and   we  occassionly  have  a jaunt / trip ou  not    sure  wether   this play goes nder that  thought !!

I knew  a few people   that  said    they did  not want to  see  the  play  as  to   horrific   but   i agreed  to go as   think  drama or   literture    are  a good   way to  make  sure  that people   and their   stories  live on

My main worry was not the   story   or the   content   but  the   fact that  the   people  around me  may be   loud u prob  would sit their    totally  oblivious to  every    crunch of  sweets    chat  but not me  so  that  WAS   my main worry  and so  was   relieved to  be  siting   by  people  i vaguely  knew  i  never mentioned the   reason for  my dislike   of noise  but  made it  clear i would goxxxxxxxxx .kg.g.gk.hvv  (get the picture)

I  WAS  QUITE  relaxed   til   realised the  theatre   was filling  up  with school  kids   AHHHH  NOOO  BUT     dont  judge   louby   the   kids  who were  siting by me  were  fineb is  and   actually  got into  conversation  with them asking   “if read the book etc” I  watched  the   film of   this  a few years   back  and must   admit it   played a round  with my head  and today   can see it vividly but   don’t  think  anything  shocks   so much  the   2nd  time  as the    first   time  u see  her anything !!

The  story of    two  boys   who made   friends  over a   barbed wire  and  seen through  a  child  eye  were  they  are  still  vaguely innocent of the  wickedness of man  although the   questions   that  Bruno  asked  were   extremely truthful   such as  Hitler is  our leader but   why is life so  bad !!

It   struck me  throughout   how little   props were  needed in this  production  but    they were   so effective  the  movement of   going  from one  side  of the  fence to the other  and how   everyone worked as a team

Both  boys  were perfect;y cast  Bruno by  Jabez  cheeseman and   Colby  Mulgrew as  shmuel perfectly showing   the   energy of  one little  boy and the   tiredness of the other   both   exactly  the  same   birthday but  such different  lives   just because of  fate !!

At  certain times   during th  play   film were  shown in the   background  which  were  very effective  not  taking place of the   stage  action but   making  u aware of the   growing threat

Love is    blind so  they say and   this  was shown through Bruno s    older  sister   who was   besotted  with  her boyfriend  and could see   no wrong  in the regime of the  third  reich  as  said  love is   blind !!!

Through the  friendship   both   boys  flourish and  you almost  forget   what is goingon in the background   but it is  always their  !!  lurking   ready to bite   like that  fateful  day when they  go to  look  for Shmuel;s   dad   with   awful consequences   which  think always    stay in my mind !!

It always  amazes me  does  not matter  how  powerful the  play is  go for a cup of  coffee  and it is  soon forgotten but is  it   !!!!!

but mad it

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#Grandnational #memories

It is    here  that   great   racing  day i  always   feel their is a   strange  feeling in the  air on  this   day    you can almost  sense the   excitement in the air  and   although live   over    the  water   from liverpool    it is  strangly   spooky !!

I have  nearly  always bet on the  National   and ignore  races and  horses   for another   365  days  think that is right !!!

I   do  not  understand    really the   form thingy although my dad    has  explained   it to me   on numerous  occassions  for  me to  for get the  next year .

I am still getting over that i  now  put  my own    bets on after  her told   me  afew  years    back  to do it myself !!

I  smirked   to myself this morning as the  lady in the  betting  shop  made  a bee line to help me   how   do u   I am  a once a year  betting  person  ”  ahh  u can just tell ”
I tend  to   do  a mixture   of  going on form   or   the  name    or   just  a mad    fling    which  did  me  fine for  years  but   have  not won for   a while  so going  wrong  somewhere !!!

My dad  only bets  on one  horse  to win as   does not  see    the point of   each way   bets   and   having    numerous horses   !!!   but  each to their  own

I remember  being     diagnosed     diabetic and insisting  on being taken  down to the day  room to watch the tv    no such fun  these   days as   everyone  in hosi   does    their own thing   with  little   tv  screen   .

I   would  not feel the  same  excitement  of    watching the  National  by myself   and  remember a   few  years   back   going to  visit my dad   to be told   he  was  watching  it in a local  pub   , i was    duly    horrified    y   was nt  he   watching  it    with me   it was   what  we do  each  year   he   was  gobsmacked    by my disappointment    nothing  to   do with the  horse  race but  he   wasnt  doing  what   we  always do !!

My  mum  does   not bet  any more  she used    to due to  the   horses  being hurt   everyone   to their own views    on this  but   the  race is    much safer    these  days  and has  been going on  for     roughly  175   years    with   really  not that  many casualties

well  its  all  over  and  McCOY   came   5th   and  i had  done  him to win   but i enjoyed  the  excitement  and looking forward to the  excitement   this  time  next year !!

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#reiki #ptsd #ruminatingthoughts #emdr

umm not   at all well   at the mo think said    this  the other  day    a friend   told me   yesterday if  i wrote  things   down it helps  , I found  yesterday    also    doing   any thing  that u have  to  concentrate  on helps  even  when it is  something   relatively simple   like  face book  games  as  u   have to concentrate  on the  patterens and   shapes u r making !!!

My thoughts   are whirling  out of  control and  i cant   get  out of my head the   things   that have happened  to me in the past  (abuse ) and  people not listening  to  the  word  NO    which means  no  even doing the   most  simple thing if u say no that is   what it means

Yesterday   I went to   a mental health    group   it  is  not much help as    it is  very basic  my  needs   are to  put it    simply is quite complex  !!!!

I go mainly   as u are  able to   take  part in     various  health     therapies  for   a   small donation

i had  taken a  leaflet on  emdr    but  i think   i was   not making    clear    what it meant and   was over   people  heads  but a  light   shone  the   therapist  had heard of  it   and  said   it  was the   new  flavour in mental  health

I  told the   therapist  Siobhan  that  my health   had taken a   nose  dive    and my thoughts    would   not stop    ruminating  and she    asked it   it  had  got  worse     since  the    eclipse  the other  week and the  answer    was yes   wow  she  told me   things  often moved about  and caused   things to change interesting !!

I had the   reiki    treatment  which i always   enjoy and   felt  the  heat in my head   after   Siobhan   told me my head was ultra  busy  and  suggested   meditation  which is   something    mean to   get into   !!

I felt  alot  calmer  but  sadly this   only lasted  for   ashort  while  and the   ruminating   thoughts  were  back AAAAAAAH   do i have  to  live  like this for  ever if so  I dont  want  to the mental   pain is  to  much put   it this way  if i developed    cancer i wo uld  refuse     all treatment   but  then  writing   this   down help s and   i am   on the  waiting   list  for help   although    the help  may come to late  !!!  as  when will    the   appointment   come   through the  post how  long  is  a piece of string !!  deep breath   and carry on

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