i am in the doldrums at the mo but at the same time a feeling of great relief is welling over me for over a year a person been helping me from a charity find a new place to live .which sound great written on web but going through with it is another thing. !!!!!
I HAD A CALL A FEW WEEKS BACK ASKING ME TO LOOK AT A FLAT BIT OF ME EXCITED BUT bit of me thinking of all the problems the amount of forms the fact that i will buy a flat hold of furniture that not long ago been in hosi with some heart scaring my dad is still not in the best of health and is currently at 6 months and waiting for help with his prostate ummm not many pus points and was just starting to feel slightly better the plus point s are got my own place back again and in an area which is ok and would be totally different from where i live now which although old y worldy and it is good to explore ut i like the community i lie in now film clubs singing clubs brill transport system and the factor most of all the housing benefit is soooooo slow and the thought of finding so much money myself whilst sorting it out will prob kill me honesty so u can see the pull to anew place is not good
I went to see the flat with support worker and parents and i found myself saying i would take it although not sure how the words came out of my mouth and was then told how much i wld hae to pay i cld just abt do it but alarm bells ringing , i went to fill forms in which i also had to pay for excitement was building but at the same time wondering what was i doing really !!!!
I had been looking round various charity furniture shops which i also enjoyed but bit of me still going only just over a week and will be in but did i want to deep down the answer was no
Even when having a nice day cld not get rid of feeling of despair and wondering what mess getting self in even going to Bala lake and siting in the sun cld not lift this dread which was growing my mum said at one point that was not to late to back put just lose the 100 quid which is not as bad as the amount i felt was about to lose but still going ahead til the straw that broke the camels back or mine was a letter from the bank saying something abt not able to cash cheque as was not quite right ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooooooooh .
parents told me they cld do it by card but to be honest not sure of pin number but and does not surprise u when just decided to cancel the whole thing i was becoming more and more depressed and this was just making it a million times worse stress stress etc x 1000000 and some
relief streamed through me although was not hoping with joy as felt instead of going forward going backward and cld imagine people saying ” so why did u not take it ” and me muttering ” just did not feel righT ”
my friend Invictus really stand by me i have not written about if for ages as quite simply doing the same thing messing about with the words and just hoping one day the words will become truth
out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole ,
I thank what ever gods may be for my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance i have not winced or cried aloud
under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody but unbowed
I still get terribly mixed up with the bludgeoning of chance just can’t seem to get the chance into head but as previous does it real matter like with the flat if the not ice of the cheque mix up come day or so later imagine the upset !!!!!!!so maybe fate yer my head is very bloody but not out at least not yet keep wondering when luck willl change surely due to a change of cards sigh sigh
I am the master of my fate i am the captain of my soul deep breaths