I would not say i am a hermit but dont mind my own company for some absurd reason thinking alot about crabs and how do they feel , aspergic people are often viewed as loners but they are just choosy about the company they keep and need to recharge own batteries alot !!
The crab called hermit
what is your name ?
hermit is my name i am happy hermit
where do you live ?
What are you ?
I am a cell who lives alone in a sea shell
are you happy ?????
I am inside the shell life is heaven but outside life is hell
do u have a message for the world ??????
errr yer my message to the world is farewell !!!
in other words who are we to judge !!
seems I am at long last moving on been looking half heartedly for nearly 2 years but within a week of a housing charity ( the brill white chapel) have found me a place ( still got everything crossed ) although have yet to give notice on place I am in now and have to get hold of deposit and the first months rent ( all money money new Abba film out tomorrow!!!!!!!
I often need more than a push as anxiety ocd asd etc etc etc takes hold was looking on the council waiting list but this is quicker when private and the housing agency will help me with practical matters and they are not worried about me on the sick and seems alot easier with no pets or kids
,I do not understand why have to pay 100 quid just to be on their books !!
I still love Invcitus and seems 100% weird that found this flat on the day Mandela would have been 100 today be sure out of the night that covers me black as pit from pole to pole I thank what ever GODS may be for my unconquerable soul ;;;;;;;;; I am the master of my fate i am the captain of my soul
I am shattered tired out fighting so many ailments ( get the violins OUT Nothing more
I have seen so many therapy people over the decades some brill some okish and some damn awful !!!!!
I am under a strong belief ocd started years ago with compulsion s to read everything under the sun in the right order appearing more or less as soon as cld read well before reception years !!!
A lot of what i do is habitual full of ritual that are plainly nonsensical one of them i always have to watch itv weather as it tells me the sun set sun up time s !!!!!!
I don’t reread thing s as other wise i would never be happy with it and prob just delete and never finish anything and once some thing is gone well u just can’t get it back I reckon if don’t give in to various compulsions will in the wrong run just make my ocd aspergers adhd ptsd what ever the label is just worse if i was a disney film i wld like to press a button and just basically start all over again!!!
I love to do everything in the right order so if had a colouring book wld start with picture 1 and colour right the way through I remember being in school wld get worse as counted how many days to bonfire fire night christmas half time at times i just w anted to meet up with some one every 120 hrs as that is how long
blood cells last in!!!!
I know this is all weird and is really odd /weird writing this down and quite bluntly although these rituals compulsions make me happy at the same time is driving myself and parents insane !!!!!!
I have LONG lists of things to do like read all of Shakespeare plays and then translate them all into scouse i tried to do this with paradise lost but only did a page OR TWO Translating into scouse and soon got fed up but one day may go back to it !!! ha !!! count to 100000000000000000000000000000 !!!!!!
you may have notice but punctuation does not bother me maybe because i know if read through things i will never be happy with any sentence and will keep on editing and changing things around and will never post anything as will never be satisfied although one day may reread proof read and check it all out !! ha !!
The one thing I want to be able to do is pictures and get the hang of tags and categories and understand the difference I think ocd effects nearly all projects along with aspergers and adhd and never seem to finish anything just restart another project no wonder I am so tired and often wonder how other people cope answers on a postcode checking stuff is fine like with spellcheck but often ocd is like a mental that does not see go away
I am the master of my fate i am the captain of my soul !!!!
THE WEATHER IS BOILING HOT AND MUST ADMIT JUST ABT COPING JUST SO RELIEVED THAT I DONT WORK AS IN A PROPER JOB AS BECOMING REALLY LETHARGIC AND FROM A YOUNG AGE HAVE NOT LIKED BEING DRESSED I TO MANY CLOTHES IN A VERY SKIMPY MANNER AS JUST SIMPLY HATE THINGS OF ANY SORT TOUCHING MY SKIN WHEN AT THE MOST OF TIME BUT ESPECIALLY IN THE HEAT !!!! DUE TO BEING ASPIE I VERY RARELY WATCH JEW AS YET AGAIN FEEL IT AGAINST MY SKIN AND IF NOT ALREADY TYPING IN CAPITALS WLD DO AS SO ANNOYING AND IRRATING ( RANT OVER !!!!!!! )
AGES AGO I TOLD U ABT DAD AND PROBLEMS WITH HIS WATERWORKS WELL HE IS STILL WAITING AND ALTHOUGH NOT IN PAIN AS SUCH IT CANT BE HEALTHY TO HAVE A CATHETER SO LONG ON I HAVE HEARD U HAVE TO TEACH YOURSELF AGAIN TO WEE!!!!! ANYHOW WAS NOT DOING TO BADLY ALTHOUGH THEIR IS A STRONG OLD PEOPLE SMELL LINGERING ABT WHICH HAVE NOT TOLD HIM ABT ( NOT TOTALLY HEARTLESS ) AND DAD IS WORRYING THAT THE CALL TO COME IN WILL BE WHEN THE FOOTIE STARTS AGAIN !!!!
SO ALL seems well really enjoying the world cup footie wise and really enjoyed the excitement of spain v russia and then again penalties with Denmark v Croatia and even mum got excited and cos had spain in the sweep came to watch them go out !!!!!!! aahhh the drama and also do like the different countries coming together to see how many footballs can go into the net ( well thats its basically ) !!!!!
Tried to get touch with dad but no can do seemed his mobile on blink but just before going to Shakespeare reading grp got call to say he was home with antibiotics
as had real bad water infection and honestly was not worth all that hassle and worry as not long after coming home and resting pm he was out playing bowls !!!!!! sure the NHS wld have something to say on that but he did not want to let his team down huH !!!! or he just wanted to play the hero !!!
I was glad he was well leaving , me to concentrate on changing my few old tenners found in flat so easy peasy got more money in pocket not kidding it was hot and finding a cool place to read in LIBRARY was not easy we tried the garden and it did not have enough shade and also it meant taking carrying chairs tea coffee and other refreshments through the library and then after calls of just to hot came back in the main windows cant be opened as the windows are on the main on the roof so try again we went out in to the lobby were it was a shade cooler although not sure if the security liked us reading out loud when they just wanted some peace or i decided we best put it all on hold when realised reception class milling about and we were on the last act of Othello not actually full of joy more of stabbings suffocating and yells of strumpet and whore best just relax in the lobby til the 5/6 yr old had passed by none the wiser what we where reading !!!
I must admit found all this shattering and myself with various family health housing worries decided to call next week a tea party day and have a rest til the cooler weather came along yep might as well as wait til september
home exhausted but all well at least til bedtime were just found it to difficult to breathe and this went out til 1 in the with head out of window just to damn hot !!!!! might as well rain til september !!!
Just lately the world and its mother has being using the word meltdown more and more when all that has happened is life has got slightly on top of people !!
meltdown is what autistic people have when life is so frustrating anger erupts so strong and just generally confusion totally reigns so all you can do is meltdown which is more will totally lash out become totally uncooperative and lose all sense of control
I was allegedly a very quiet baby who had to be woken up ( very quiet babies are a worry really as babies are supposed to cry) but then as a toddler became the devil child and would scream and throw self on floor just cos someone called me a good little girl screaming ” NO I am a bad girl actually have no explanation for me doing this !!! ( does appear a little strange .
I actually as child I had very few meltdowns as was happy with my books and reading although was an elective mute in school i was relatively happy in my own little world just basically did not want to communicate with people
Things became more difficult as left school and people wanted me to go out to clubs etc what teenagers do but i was happy in my own world just reading the lesson being if your child wants to be alone let them be .
MY meltdowns have become worse over the years as events took hold and due to abusive events as a young teenager led me to develop true blown ptsd which has led to the meltdowns to be alot more frequent due to flashbacks !!! ( I do know what hell is like cos I live their )when i have a meltdown these days is I scream and yell continuously and wreck everything around my teeth clench and i feel the need to bite things anything !! hell and x10000000000 that’s how I feel and have lost various teeth because of the clenching so you can see how upset i feel when people keep saying they are having a meltdown ( get a grip )
It is always best to try and stop the meltdown before it begins i rarely have a break down with my various reading grps as they tend to ask listen to what i have to say I actually do know what is best for me others may think they do but they actually do ! Once a meltdown begins it is best if about to let it continue because like a pressure cooker hissing dont get to close !! as just generally just to full of emotions to listen to any advice !!
oh well tomorrow is another day and people on the whole try and understand me !!! HA try being the operative word !!
and never forget I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul
I have mentioned well more than a few times about aspergers and was thinking today about words and how confusing they can be but on the whole we tend to see the world differently and although has its flaws not all a bad thing !! although a lot of confusion still exists such as not knowing that aspergers is a neurological condition yer we are just wired differently it is nothing to do with mental health although the distress t hat accompanies it sparks off mental health conditions !!!
I often have difficulty in trying to decipher what people are trying to say especially I have a tendency to say it as it is ad not walk around the bushes and trees with double meanings so yer I say whAT I MEAN AND I MEAN WHAT I SAY WHICH I RECkon is not such a terrible crime at least people know where they are with me ” do i look in this hat and i will say ” NO ” none of maybe put it on a different slant or try a different shade just pure and simple NO !!!!
I really Dont like phones especially mobiles when they have a tendency to go off at such awkward moments and a phone call tends to be out of the blue , and i dont react well to surprises i much prefer to read text messages or going back to last century actual letters that came through the post that you could keep and dwell on although not sure if people liked getting my letters and having to decipher.
my emotions are like fireworks going off and go off into extremes either ultra sad angry and to the other extreme hyper especillly when at a do and it involves dancing !!! ( say no more ),
It is a misconception that people on the autistic spectrum have no empathy although does depend where on the spectrum you are but on the whole it is more likely that care to much and totally flummoxed when a new situation develops and have no idea what to say or do for the best so more than likely do nothing but if a situation develops that have had experience in well generally full steam ahead with advice !!!!!!
I dont know how to really get over the panic i feel if going to somewhere different or just general life so going to put it to the extreme and say imagine you were the only person with a relative in a hospital and although had all the equipment on hand it was totally up to you to save them and imagine the panic setting in ” it is all up to me if ??? lives and become totally overwhelmed with emotion or just scream shout . that is like me when a situation develops that not expecting and people all round are expecting a certain reaction such as happiness with a surprise do but it not happening as totally overwhelmed often i come home from somewhere and so upset with my self as did not react to a situation the way I was expected to and the frustration begins
One of my pet hates ( i have many) . is people telling me they know how i am feeling cos you dont unless you are on the ASD spectrum so saying everyone has a fear of trying something new does not make me feel any better
ho hum had enough of this ha going to watch some footie I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul
I used to day dream or just plain visualise Witches alot as a child scaring myself silly, I used to have orange type curtains which were relatively light in colour and cld make shapes of witches through them and i think my ocd kind of started in a very simple way that i had to jump under my covers within a certain number of seconds or they wld attack me
I always got to safely in time but even writing about it decades later sends a shiver down my back and don’t want them coming back.
A friend lived a few roads away we used to play knock on the witches door if u dare and run away it was so scary looking back the poor lady was prob just a bit eccentric and bedraggled riding a clamped out bicycle again no crime ( feel ever so guilty now but to get back home i either had to pass the haunted field or the witches house either was petrified ail though their was nothing scary really abt the field it has since had flats been built on ad i bet none of the residents had any idea how the local kids used to scare them selves silly/stupid over it !!
been dreaming quite abit about dragons not sure why they are not scary it is really just strange that i am at odd moments thinking abstractedly about them
in a poetic dream like way
Poetry is like waking up from a fantasy dream as
sometimes you don’t remember your dragons as maybe
they were killed in your dream by you sometimes you
do remember your dragons because you rode upon them in your dreams
although sometimes you are wide awake and you really do believe in dragons and that’s the magic of knowing you are a dreamer !!
or this cld apply to witches just wish would know what the meaning is to witches and dragons !!! ha