invictus deep breaths

last night   going to bed  got  in a bit of a frazzle   thinking    have i been  with   invictus     a  a year or is today as   2016   a leap  year  so    that  means extra   day and  skip a day    ahhhhh  was it   a year   yesterday    or is  today   ( does it matter )   ha    well  yes  it  does   it if u are  on the   autistic  spectrum and    got  a   thing  about  dates  and times   every thing   needs to be correct  the  sensible   side of me  says   does  it matter  when   your  friendship  began  with Invictus  what matters     the poem  is  still with  u today    yer  if  u say so !!!

Yesterday  my ptsd  was  at  times  chronic with ramblings   going  round  round  round and  could  not stop the  twirling   of  my thoughts   blogging   does   help  but   my bloods  hit ultra high levels at   25   supposed to  be  7   so   no blogging   but hey   keep cool  I am the master  of my fate   captain of  my soul     all  u have to  do is take   extra  insulin and wait   and  wait   some  more  til  bloods  return to normal and hey they did  !!

I  am still trying to get  to grips with  3rd  verse

beyond this place of  wrath and  tears lie the  horror the shade  were the menace of  the years   shall find me and find me   unafraid  (  by ethal  i think  i have it   for some  absurd   reason can  not remember the  word   beyound   all though  it is   really important as  kind  of  tells u   can get through this   so-called problem , the  main one   not the date  one   !

so think    this is  it   u will  just have  to  take  my word for   it  not cheating  ( honest  injun  and  fingers not  crossed   !!!

out of the   night  that covers me

black as  the pit  from pole   to pole     I   thank what ever  Gods maybe    for my  unconquerable    soul

in the   fell  clutch of   circumstance  i have not winced or  cried aloud   my head  is   bludgeoned  but  unbowed

beyond the   wrath of  blood  and tears lies  the  horror of the  shade   were the menace of the   years  finds   and shall   find  me unafraid  (  that’s  the difficult me  find and shall  find  me  confusing   saying   it   twice   but  maybe   thingy liked   hide   and seek

so  really   does  it matter  how long    i have   been invictus   what matters it  is  still   with me  !!! and  to finish my piece off  went  to christmas   coffee  morning  were  Farther   christmas  came  over   for a chat  and  he  knew  me  by name  yer  been good  this  year   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! believe  that u will believe   anything

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Invictus 1 year on

well  a year  ago   i got  a  phone call   that kind  of   changed   my life    not in a big  way just changed   my view     on poetry  and how it  helps   people  cope with   life  !!!

so lets    start at the beginning    very good    place  start !!!!  b rrr  brr  ( that’s a phone  ha ) i answer it  (exciting  not )  but  it gets better   yey    its    Emily    from the  reader  org   asking  if   would   like to help  me out   with something   next year  in  london  reading  invictus

I was   just about to tell them    yer   dont    think will cause a problem i can be  a bit   funny      and STRESSSED out    if  leave my beloved  mersyside  but   if   I am asked   nicely  and  know      my decisions   are  accepted   with    aaaaarhhh please come  u will  enjoy it   ,  i am fine   think i   just need   to know   its me  in control   and dont   want others   to stear the    wheel for me    well  just   abt to say okey dokey when   ahhhh pulled  my   main  phone   landline   totally  out  of the  socket   ahhhhhh  sshsshhyghw(swear  swear     they  willl think  i am  cronically  upset   about being asked  and will   be all   round  the  office  that  I slammed  the phone   down  !!!!!!

I  thought  of  ringing  back on   mobile   but  said     was  full  this  was not looking good    so i ended   up  rushing to Birkenhead  were   i could  explain    NOT  PUT PHONE   DOWN  so   20 mins  roughly  i was  their   Ring   liverpool   not put  phone   and lou  says  yey  members  of staff  looking  with bemused    expressions  ”   well  u would nt slam  the  phone down   ummm    well i might  with words of  comfort  ringing  in ear   but not  taking  any notice   zoomed off  to  get a card  explaining self  as  off to the  readers  main office   for a volunteers   do   for christmas  ( not  really in mood ) but still needed   to explain  self  so  off  went and  great fun  with christmas  fun  and grub  and  all was  well  as   everything  was  understood  and not to worry  i hear that  alot   strange  thing   last night  thought  should   put   main phone on ledge and   if i had listened to   my  inner   thoughts   would  not be in a mess  oh well  deep  breaths  that  does  not help

ZOOOOOOm forward     few hrs  and   at home with  no  phone  i l look about flat    for   poetry book   to see  if  invictus   about    and their  it was  and began to  read it , i heard  of it  slightly in the   film Invictus and always   had   i don’t   know   why  a  connection  in some   absurd   way with Nelson  Mandela   not saying    gone  through  anything  like him   well  i found  Invictus  and began to read

out of  the  night  that  covers me and through  to  the end  aloud  the words   never hit   me really at  first  but  on maybe   the  second  go   , i had slowed  down slightly   whilst   i looked at  words   I am the  master of my fate     I am the   captain of my soul  it   was   as something  had hit me  in the   heart not in a nasty way but  paused and  went  yer  horrendously  nasty  things   happened in my life   which has left    with  unresolved   trauma  and ptsd  and on top  of being  aspergic and  brittle  diabetic   not easy   dont   want to  sound like  a soppy weepy film  but    u   do need   something  to cling on to  life  which is  easy to get hold  of   yer   i love   the last  two  lines      24 hrs   later   something  from   soul ( creepy )   was  telling me to learn   those   lines  cos  u  lou  are the master and  captain  of your life  >

A  year on from that phone call  invictus  is  still here  in my life and would   say  the  2 verses   and last bit  know  more or less   fully ,  yer   like to  my time  but  this  is for  me   and all   i can say  is thanks to introducing  me to this  great poem    not bad   for   some one   who  would  much  prefer  a  novel






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ahh wot a weekend invictus

hummbug    humbug  well  its   December  the   1st on thursday and   dont feel  at  all christmassy  just keep thinking   will start  tomorrow !!!!

I had  booked ages to go  and see when  we  are  married   by Priestly  yeons   ago   that  long ago   i was  able to get   front   row   seats  yey    and i have  seen  Northern  broadsides  countless  times and always  brill   so  u   can imagine   what i was like dsbnz\mn and other   unreadable   sounds   came out of mouth as  found  out  my  nieieces   were  coming  to stay   next weekend  as  not  only  was it   black friday  last week but other things going on  like  sister in laws birthday  , dont  get me wrong    , i dont  mind  them coming it was just  that  my parents   thought   it better   not to tell me    as per usual   let me  know last  minute    when   the saying  is pre warned   is  prearmed  or something  like that    .  I f i had known  about it  for  the  month  i could  calmy make other  arrange ments   .  deep breaths  and I am the  master  of my fate  ,  and  of  course   beyound this  place of wrath and tears   lies    the horror of the  shade still  finding   it  difficult     remembering    the word   beyound     which  is surprising  as  it   give  so  much hope  that one day this   will be over !!!

I have  lost  count  of the  number of times  that i have missed  shows  / plays   you name it  because of  illness or  the person   going  with decided  to   do something  else  but      it  was  another   friends   birthday   so  she  jumped at  the  chance of  a   free  theatre   trip  well would  not u  !!!!

I   was really  pleased  to see   The playhouse  on tv   thursday  am   talking about people  who eat   in  theatre and how off  putting  it  is  to the  audience  and  also  the  actors  who have  put so  much effort    into learning  lines as  someone   with aspergers    my  ears  react to  noises   that is   in the  wrong  place  as  i am totally involved  in what  watching   but  every   sweet   rustle  is like a  bomb    going off and  just    can’t seem to  switch the  noise  off  so please   think  before   u eat do  u  really  need  to eat this  now     why  not wait an hour  and gorge  in the interval and yes   also  no need  to have a chat  whilst   the  production   is on   what  u are   buying in asda    ( other  supermarkets   are  available )  !!!!  til  it finishes      ha ha  rant over !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all  well   til   yesterday  morning   when  kept  saying  to mum   can u get  the  tickets  for me  ummm    asked   again  and again before   getting  frazzled  and   said   or shouted    “I need  the  tickets   it  came clear she   had  put them in a  safe place  so   safe   that   they could   not be  found

ssanmzc  (  put   your own  words in  )  and  said  wld leave  NOW  and stormed off  bit  of my brain    kept   saying  keep calm  and  of   course  after   stomping  to bus top     thought  of Invictus   and opening  line   OUT of   Night  that covers  me  ,   umm  surely they will let me  but  hey ho theatre  not  open til just before  show     aahhhhh ptsd  was   taking hold  and  when takes  hold  it  has  such a grip  on me , even when my dad  rang  me to say  found tickets in the  safe place  and  bringing  them over  ptsd  was  revelling  in my distress   as i stomped  round   ” not coming out  again   stay  in  stay in   stay   in  ahhhhhh

felt slightly better  after  having a cake  well  half  price  one always  tastes  better   went to lou  to give  insulin  ahahhhhh  were  was  my little bag with  insulin noooooooo cant  eat without   ahhhhhh its at home  but  invictus on mu side  I am the   captain  of my soul  the other  day had decided  to keep  spare  pen and  needle  in  side pocket so all well  on   the eastern   front   really all fronts  !!!

well on with the  show  loved   it  the  audience    was great  No   sweet   rustling  and   bits of humour  thrown in  with  lively people  so my mood  disappeared  and came home  feeling   relatively calm   to play   with  EVA   6  year old  niece   although   listening to  her jokes     is not in the least   bit funny   but she  tries   and after  a   tiring  day to bed

I  am the master  of my fate   I am the  captain of  my soul all is  well although not  all still  staying at parents  due to  chest pains   and not  kidding  their   heating on full blast  just melting  ho  hum better   than being  cold     and  going  home   gave  Eva  an  advent   Calender    ready for   thursday      ho  ho  ho soon be christmas






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getting to the bottom to it

well  today   was  the day going  back to the  hosi  to see  y been coughing  up blood starting  with  a endscopy thingy  , i had it done  in hosi  the other  week  and  not to worried as   remember  nothing  about  all i remmber  was in such a state  and  saying   “i have aspergers   dont like touchy feeling things  and  a dr  no worries   we  will  give  u more   dose  yey !!

I was  slightly worried  about the  rules   which like  to follow  such as no eating  or  drinking  for 5 hrs before  thinking i often  wake up wanting a drink  or what if   my blood goes  low  ( kept saying i am the  master of my fate  captain of my soul )  i will be fine  but   saying  fine  words    does  not cure all as  i did  indeed   go  hypo in the night but   just layin bed  thinking  best not eat !!!

I went  to the hosi  feeling  fine  and whilst  talking things through  found out blood  still 2  so was rushed off  with sugary  drink being  rubbed  into  gum and  trying  desperately  for a vein til  all was well and taken for the procedure   well  not like  the last time it hurt   like hell so  have no idea   how the  woman next to me  tried  it wiht no  sedation  (well she  never  saw it through best    to be   a cowatd   and take all pain relief .

As  a brittle  diabetic  i knew   what was   coming next   my blood  sugar went   sky high  at  20   but no worries  kept saying ” i am like this all the  time   honest no worries ummmm  eventually they believed  me and went to see  the  result  was   well they said never heard of  it before  ACUTE ESOPHAGEAL NECROSIS  syndrome   ummm bit of  a mouthful   but basically   quite  rare   haha  like rare   things   got  a tube  in me that  should not be  their   also  but hey that’s another  story

Basically  my esophagus   went black  and at   great risk of doing so again  been  given strong  tablets  and   have to try to keep to alkaline  diet   so  noacid  type  foods like  coffee  pop  citric fruits  umm time  will tell   bit worried  when said  could flare   up again   but hey ho  at least   know what it is and used  to  following  diet   diabetic  since  13  and  not kidding the  thought of  coffee  makes me  want to puke

I suppose  my fate is  in my hands     for  I am the  master of  my fate  I am the  captain of my soul   so to speak best  behave   or blood  will start   spurting out  of mouth !!!!!  yuk

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umm gettimg a   bit mixed   up with the  middle   verse  of  Invictus   actually   dont think   their  is   middle one  as   4  bits  oh well lets   say the  3rd  on !!!  shamefully   i sometimes    put my own words   in and think it sounds ok  !!!

I am still in awe   at  how  felt  much better   repeating it  to myself in resus   in local hosi   but hey  ho the    3rd    bit   whats  the  problem !!!

beyond this place of   wrath and tears  LOOMS  the  horror  of the  shade    ahhhhh  but  i don’t say   LOOMs (nice sounding word  that LOOMS  I keep saying  lies    annoying   but  u must admit   goes  i will have   to put a  vision of  some sort of knitting   thing  in my  head  LOOMS

and  yet  (forget  that bit ) the menace of the  years  finds  and  shall  find me    (confusing)  unafraid   now this  is total  confusing   all this   finding palova   although i do  like it  despite all  been  through  i am still  here   bouncing   about    makes  me sound like tigger  which i definitely  am not like at the  mo  !!!

I  have to remember   this  time  last year   Invictus   was not  my soul mate  in life   we had not   even met    well  for a   few mins and would not have  met it   if was  not for the  reader org  inviting  me to  LONDON  TO  read it   and  so come along   way with it  really

Coming out of  hosi i had not  consumed  coffee  for over a   week so   decided  to continue with this   health  regime so   GOD only   knows   why to day  i decided  to have a coffee   ahhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the pain and feel  yukity  yuk   no more      NO MORE  FOR I  am the  master of my  fate    I am the   captain  of my soul

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simple things

I reckon was  born  panicking  and worrying  it’s what i do best although the  majority of  times able to  hide my  concerns ,  i   must admit to being a newsaholic  i just love to know what is   going in the world  and  bizarrely always love watching the local news on itv for the simple reason  tells me the  sun setting  rising and the  moon times  etc  , i have no   idea it is the small  things    but can feel the irritation   rise in me  if watching  news on  other channel  yer its  the small  things  that  keep me going.

I  have often been told  i come over  as   very confident  but   those people  have not seen me  when  out of my depth  when the panic   can set in, just by ordering  a   sandwich in the   likes of    subway other   eating  establishments are  available .

Before  being taken ill  the other week mum and i went to  see girl on the train both us had read the book and  liked   it  although not rocketscience  , i always have to be  at places   before  time  even if means  sitting in coffee  shop  for an hour i  Know i am in new  Brighton   waiitng for  film to  start  so when mum  wanted  dilly  dally round  the shops    window shopping with a  yellNOOOOOOOO   need to get   their so  know  i AM THEIR so off  we  zoomed  to arrive   plenty  of time  and siting  in coffee shop with time to spare !!!!!   ha   told  u its  the small things

The film was fine   with  just one  sweet  eater (small things)  to someone   with aspergers   a noise in the wrong place  can be  really distressing man was  messing   sweets   and  was  starting me  off in glairy mood   she  said loudly  HE has   nearly finished  his   sweets  and glared   and silence    pursued  .

Came out  and  saw our bus    go  down the prom   no worries  i was   quite  happy  as mum   suggested go to  subway !!!

I often dont like going  to these kind of places    especially  if  a q  and tend to  order same thing  sub of day  but mum  was suggesting  other  things  and    was   to nervous  to ask   about the  various   deals  avaliable and mum  was going  that  looks  like  different  but dont  like different like same  so got my  different thing    panicking   as   asking  what bread  liked  errrr that one  i think and  the  nightmare  continued   what  do u want  with it  no OLVIES  yer that’s  ok  but had  forgotten  dont like  spicy things   such a nightmare  why  can’t  it   just be  ham and  cheese . after  getting  the sub i   took a bit  to realise   it was  full of spicy    stuff i was   so pleased   remembering no olives   and  forgotten to say  NO peppers    errrr next time   will there  be a next  time !!!

I then watched  a very confident  man  come in and seemed  to have   no trouble  asking for  his  sub   and seemed  to   even be making  his own   version of what ever   up  something  i would   never dream of doing takes me  all  my time  to go and  ask for   extra  milk i often wonder  why  i don’t  have  confidence  to ask  for  something different  and  what  it  must be like  to walk with a swagger  and be   I am me  OK  , i cld  imagine  this  persons  job   prob  a high  flyer looking as   work clothes  etc  , i play   this game  alot  bit   like the   girl  on the  train  KINDA   watching people  and  making up  stories   for them   Not a  stalker  honest   , a   mind person once said   when getting  distressed  look around  you and  make some   kind of  story .

MR   confident   sat on  and  then it happened    he bit  into the sub  had to smirk  as  the sauce  slipped   down his mouth onto shirt and  to beat  it all  when  got to leave   had mickey mouse socks  on   nought  wrong  with that   but yer Mr  confident   was human  and  we all have   our slip ups  I was   actually  brimming over with confidence  as  this   was one of   the few  times  had eaten a subway  without my mum  going  its  all down  you lou

never forget   I am  the master  of my fate  I  am the captain of my soul  even for the  most confident of us   just have to control  the small things

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Invictus even in hosi

haha   here    we  go  again  starting off with apologies   for  no blurb  for yeons  ( love that word )  about  my   new  friend !! Invictus  but  honestly    i  come  with a better  excuse   then the dog ate   my homework .

The night before  the   day when  we   celebrate   burning  bonfires  and  bangs in  sky although  they seem to go  off  all the  time these days  i watched   tv (exciting) and  decided  to  land of nod   only to  feel  like hell and  went to  bathroom  (don’t worry  not to   gory but   began coughing   blood  this  continued  for  most of  night  til   decided to get  ambulance   more  difficult   than u  any think   when  live in entry  not literally but if blood  coming out of  mouth and not  been  fighting   u can imagine   did not  really  want an  argy bargy   claiming  i live over   a tile  shop  when i know  live  over sun bed  shop   but   for life  of me  could  not remember    name of   it  so not  impressed !!!  but  never forget  I am the  captain of my soul  i am the  captain of  my fate   i went outside  and  waited  and waited   til saw man in  green and able to  wave  for help and  yer   they were lost    !!!

I   did  not want to get in touch with parents  as  they  were  going  to  a wedding of  best friends   daughter    so went myself which really is no prob   their is  a lovely feeling when u get in to a hosi and realise  in safe hands .  I was  wisked from A+E   to resus   once  they  realised   it was  blood   were i was   lying there in hell one thing  cropped  ever so   slowly  in to  my mind

Out  of the  night  that  covers me

black as  the pit from  pole  to pole

I thank  what ever   gods  maybe   for  my unconquerable  soul

In the   depth   clutch of   circumstance  i have  not winced  or   cried aloud  (  that  is such a lie)

my head is   bludgeoned but  unbowed

beyond the  wrath of  blood and tears  u shall find  me unafraid

cool  not saying i manged to say  it all  but saying  the  first line  did  not half help as if to  say yer  will get better   which u can gather    must have   although always  been thin  ultra  skinny now !!!

i did   cause   a bit of   a rumpus  when did  not really want to  put tubing   down throat and  kept saying ohhh nooo aspergers  dont do that and of course  cld   do  nothing without written  consent  after much coaxing  always   good  to remember   with someone  with autism their ideas  may sem crazy but with  a bit of  general persuasion   come  round  and appeared parts of  my oesphogeous   had gone  black and  none  seems to know why  oh well

I  am the  master of  my fate    I  am the captain of  my soul

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