#invictus #pip form #mental health

Roughly  abt a  month got form  through to  change over  from  DLA   to  pip not  kidding   been an absolute   nightmare   desperately   trying to get the  evidence of my   health  condition together  ,  i just hope and pray  i do   not  have to go through this again,  as trying    to remember  how traveling  affect me   when the ptsd   strikes  my thought   patterns  all the  while    leading me  to   bite   something  such as    a piece  of cloth  , have  often  said to people  involved  with  myself   come with me  for a day and   then say   do  not require   help !!

I think   u have  a   recognized  health  condition h as    aspergers    ptsd  or  as my  diabetes  shows   itself   with erratic     blood sugars  once the  original   form   been filled    it should be left  on file and maybe   just  a phone call   once a year   .   their  are  people  who take   the    system for  a ride   so to speak    but really  i don’t   think u cld  lie   your way  through  one of those pip forms  !!

Luckily   I  have my parents  to help  me  filll the form in although  they spent most of their   time  telling me  what   a difficult  person i am to be  around  especially when doing   some thing    disagree with

I woke this  Am  and thought  F<<<<<<   pip form    must be filled  but   hey INVICTUS  i am the  master  of my fate   and  the   captain of my soul  and i  am not  hiding   any of my health   conditions so  hey hum   that’s how spent   bank hol  ho hum  and not another  one   til  christmas  ho hum

 

 

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week 1 ~invictus #mentalhealth

Been roughly a  week  since  decided  to learn  invictus  by heart , ha  it  has   got  me out of  slight pickles   but only  by a  millimeter  and that  better  than nothing   , think  I need to recite   it more when calm so automatically   goes  to my  brain when frazzled

.  My ptsd  tends  to strike    when    doing  aimless   things  like  walking   the  streets  ( not  that   way )   as i have nothing   much to   focus on , as  i   am so used   to  traveling   the routes my self  so  bang    ( swear  swear ) off  i went   now  what is it    something  abt   a night   being   black  but    does  not seem to  flow  with the   2nd line     think   yer   that’s  it   Black  as the  night  that covers me   nooooo    its out  of  the night   see  its   not as   easy as it sounds   but actually reciting   the   lines    begins to calm  me down  as   gets  the    obscene   filthy  thoughts.

Today i recited   a bit  before   getting out of my pit  of   ahhh   by Jove  as the  light  nips  through  OUT  OF    THE  NIGHT  THAT  COVERS ME

BLACK AS  THE PIT FROM POLE   TO POLE   ( NOT SURE )

I THANK WHATEVER GODS  MAYBE  FOR  MY UNCONQUERABLE SOUL   yer  that  sounds   right  and think look  what u have gone  through and   u sure will see  it through to the  end  my ptsd  thoughts  began to   strike   when realized  cld   not find   sandles to go   with skirt and coffee    slipped out of my hand  leaving  splurges   but  hey   goes   with the pattern and I am master of  my fate  went to the pub and  yum lovely  roast for a  fiver    FIGHT ON

 

 

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#INVICTUS #poetry #ptsd

HI      JUST  BEEN   told    it has  been   9 months   since  last posted   wow  i am not going  to say what most people say who  have been waiting  for  9 months   but   really life  is  pretty   much the  same ,  and  feel    have  become  very neglectful   of  writing  my thoughts  and feeling down which   countless  people    have told  me  does me  good ,  and  that  what  matters  ha  !!! no  bothered    if no one   ever  reads it  but  doing   this fo   r  me ultra  selfish  person   that i am  ( not )

P eople   who have  brain  disorders    should  help  each other    and honestly   would  not like   any one to go  through  what i go   through  actually   would  like   an enemy to  through  it   i have    always  had  difficulty    thinking  ” I  Rambling on

I  am not going  to go   on   about   how come  across  Invictus   but lets    just    say  had a profound   effect on me    especially  the  last    two  lines   I am the  master   of my fate  .,   I am the  captain  of my sould  because of  abuse  as  a kid  i  am  extremely  agitated   especially if      say the  word   no and  people  take  no notice

I  decided  to   repeat the last  two  lines to   myself    whenever   intrusive thoughts   entered  my head  which  can  only   describe   as a motor   way   running   through my head   without  any   diversion, and it   did   divert   my  thinking but  only slightly  so  i  kept  thinking  need more  and that   is when  decide  i am going  to learn  the  lot  and see   where  gets me   just  letting   u know  not a  great  poety  lover  prefer a novel  but  this  i think    hope pray  will  change   every thing   ” out of the  night that  covers  me  first   bit always  the  hardest !!

 

.

 

 

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Anger

I sometimes  feel over come   by anger that i feel    can not    continue  living   sound  over  the  top  but true   ,    some people    just    see the  Louise   which  is     boppy and happy  others   see  the Louise who  is  easily irritated   and others  see the   full  blown anger of  not being  able to control  my emotions .

I  have  always    been a reader  but  more and more   people   say why   dont  u  write   it  may calm  u and  whilst   doing this  article  (  very posh )  i can see    what people   mean   it  is   something  calming about  more so  then   reading  although  i am not  going  to  give    that up  in a hurry !!!

people   wonder   why  i am angry    very few  people   know  the  real me  who had their  life   ripped  apart   by a  sexual attack  who is also   aspergic and  diabetic   so   no wonder  i am   angry and  crazy   especially  when u tell the   truth to people   and    they   dont   believe  you !!!

I    am so   jealous  of people  who   go  on tv and  seem to   forgive   what ever   has been done   to them   and  broadcasts   the   fact  but something  in my head   wont let  me do  that  as  various    thoughts   go round  and  round , i last   year diagnosed   my self  with  ptsd  and  maybe   next month  i will  be  get a  phone call  where  to  go   next  (   the  powers  that  be lost  my referral )

Anger    comes    from fear  so  people  say   , and  in a  way   i can see   why people think that  as  i never  know  do  i not  like  people    touching  me  cause   aspergic  and  never   really liked   touch  or is it   the deep breaths   abuse .

people also  say love   will overcome  and  before   listening  to songs of praise  and   the  football  anthem  abide  with me  came on and   i did   kind  of feel  that  someone  was  looking  after me   (i am not religious  although  used  to go to church  like to  sing )  for  those  few  moments   of calm, able   to carry on , well   this   writing  thing    must be   working   no longer  thinking of   ringing th   Samaritans  for a chat   !!!!  ummm

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frazzly wazzly again #aspie #ptsd

Ages   since i  have  written  anything  which i should   do more  of  as  find  it  calms  me   down  but   hearing it   was punctuation   day  and knowing  how  bad i  am  at  it as   literally  can not be  bothered  here i am writing again

i am still  waiting   for help  with my ptsd  and the  thoughts  whirling   round  and round   which  will not go   away driving  me crackers  which  it was nealy  a year ago    i remember  being  referred in mid October  as i remember  it was  the  day after  my mum  broke  her leg  so  i am right  in  it  being  nearly a year  , i  have  reminded  my DR on various   occasions  but so  far   to no avail  but u never know tomorrow their maybre something  in the post just like one  day  their will be world  peace !!!

I had  other  worries   on my head  today  like where was my blood  testing  strips   i was planning  on telling  them i had lost  them and  it would be  cheaper  for me to  have them   then end up in hosi    but hey presto  i wonders  and wonders  their  they were  so can test my blood  yippeee  the relief  honestly !!!!

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waiting for help #ptsd

hug sigh  !!!   groan !!! banging head  against wall  not literally you will be  glad to hear but  I have  been  getting more and more  fed up  waiting  for help with PTSD  constant   chatter   well its more than  that  more like   yelling    in head with thoughts going round and round think  u have heard   this  before !!!

I decided  to  call back at  my GP and tell them  that  still not heard   anything  about the   holy grail  EMDR  treatment and  at times   life is  yer livable  and other  times  feel   lets  go on the  ferry  across  the Mersey and  not for  pleasure  !!!

The GP practice   runs  a  shared  thing so  unless  fussy   can see anyone so i did  only to be   told  their  was no evidence of   me  being their   roughly a month ago  so once   again the  usual story of   my word  against theirs !!!!

The dr  proceeded  to write  my  concerns   on a tiny piece of paper  i had to stop myself   from saying  “don’t lose that ”  but i faithfully handed  it in   desk  people  on leaving  and waited  to see what would happen

waiting is sometimes  the hardest thing to do  had they   rung me and i had missed  it  or  had   i been put down as   patient  to  be ignored  thoughts   running   away with me but hey a few  days later got  a very apologetic phone call saying the   providers  of  my  emdr   treatment   were   no longer   running and they  had   done my referral  again  so  HURRAY  PARTY TIME   (over reaction) so  here i am playing the  waiting  game agin but  what   worries  me  what  happens  to the people  who   do   not   go  back to  the     GP and ask what has happens  to their refferal   (worry  worry )  hope fully light   at end of tunnel  should  go and see   if their  is anything  in post  but  not holding breath !!!  huhhhh  sigh

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#yoga with #dyspraxia #ptsd

i have  been   extremely stressed out   with the   thought s   whirling   around  and  around which is  driving me   crazy  my  ptsd   which    go round  and round the  loop and i cant  stop  them  “WHY DID  u not  listen  etc   can u imagine  the  same thought   going  round  and  round ,   try   thinking    have   fish fingers   for  tea  and repeat a million times and  that   how  i feel !!!

I  am   always  looking for  ways to calm    down  and  thought   today   would  give  yoga   ago at the  local  community  place    it does help as it is   free so nothing  to lose  !!

I tried  this  yeons  ago and   although  balance  not  good    doing the  tree  with  dyspraxia   is not good but it   was   good   fum  both  before  and today .

I  felt   bit panicky as  had no  idea    where  to get    mats  out   and where   to put   them  and  we had to  be  filmed   to try and  pretend   we  are  enjoying  this  but i must  admit  i did  , i think because  no-one  says   thats  wrong   all a lot of the  time i  know   i am  not in the  right place   but    does  it really matter  ,  i had   a few of these  rambling  thought  but nothing   compared  t how i was   before    i left the  house  and   actually   put  my name  down for   next week although  kept   thinking  should  i come    back  or not .   So yes it is calming   but  it is  something i will have  to  do regularly  to  get  the  full benefit .

I  felt the   whirly  thoughts    come   back   not long   after  after  arriving  home  so came on   the   computer  and   did  daft   games  and  decided  to try meditation  which  is  another   thing  which may  help  but  saying   this  will help is  completely  different   than doing  it  !!! oh well  best foot   forward  as the  person doing the  meditation  said     just   start  again   when  mind  wanders off   every   failure is a positive !! really

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