inner hope / critc

i am really   not having a  good time   despite   saying  my poem invictus  but    really   not sure    if it is   losing  its power   over me  as  the  ptsd   treatment is over   although  we   only  had few  sessions of  emdr     and not  kidding   with  my  traumatized  life     need    a lot more   than  that  but that  is how the  NHS  works   you have so many sessions and supposed  to be  better  !!!

getting  a   bit fed  up with people  saying   live   with  it  just like i do   being  diabetic   /  autistic  but  having  ptsd and  this  new   things  pure  ocd   perhaps a  step to    far but still  less of the   pity  party  !!!

I just   find it    difficult   to be online   but think  i have to    listen  to my subconscious  and when  opportunities   arise     don’t   change  channels  .

I went   to meet my  friend    dave    from      the  shared   reading grp  for    something  to eat  and a  general  chat up   and   as  he said    you always   seem  to be   with it   but  i said  no  I am   not  i am hanging on  he told me   if   i was  suicidal   to ring the  Samaritans but   nought  against   the  service   i dont   find that helps !!!!  although   have only   rung them once   in my life so  maybe   another   go    could  be  an idea   but  talking  as  i  keep  saying  does    nothing      got to live in the present but  i am  screaming sometimes   out loud  in the middle of   Liverpool     die  die  meaning  me or   people   who have   destroyed   my life   but  some people who  have caused  me such distress  where   not perhaps   aware   how not   listening to me has well or truly  annoyed me !!!

The  only  way is up say   people    when  hearing of  distress  but   just going a   millimetres up is not enough !!

I had   a nice time  in the beautiful  calderstones  park  not  to  busy   i avoid it   in the  school holidays   crowds   and   wandered   back  into  liverpool  where i met   another    friend  from ages  back    with the   reader  again portia    she used  to  come  to the  Shakespeare   shared   reading  but has alot of  health probs   and   does not come  but she   greeted  me with   such enthusium  YEY LOUIE   all over  bold  street   and  was  really made up to meet  me  great  great  come   with me louie  and off  we went to  a  health  place for women were their was  a  course   going on  for people with  depression  and  explained my various  health  probs   and was  amazed    relieved   when    2  people   told  me  that they  had heard  of pure  ocd  and  knew  people   who had this   and recommended   various  health   courses   here    wow  !!!  must admit    coming  home felt    i was  supposed  to meet   and portia and  here  was  these   opportunities    which might  help get   rid of the  negative   noise in my head  , i do   believe in fate   , i  was   coming out of a  fave  book  store  when bumped  into her    few  seconds   either   way  we  would not have  met and although   did know of this centre  it does make a difference  being   told come on lets go

I get  very   exhausted    just  being   people  for long  periods although   some   times   i am ok   depending on  what  people are like  and  not   going   lets   do this    and that and this   i sometimes   spend a lot of time watching   political progs  on tv which  can annoy  my parents   but  i am  reserving  my energy   for  when opportunities   arise   and  as   they say   recharging   batteries   so  do have   energy    to  take part   in things when the opps arrive  so perhaps     should really    focus  on the  good  not bad  and not   listen  to much to inner  critic   but  to   conscience   ha   deep breaths  and  carry  on I  am the master of my fate  i am the master of my soul

 

PLACE OF PEACE

i HAVE  VERY  LITTLE  PEACE   in  cos     i  have  discovered      this    strange   thing  pure ocd  which is   kinda   relative of   aspergers    but    seems  to get out of   control  when   you  are under severe  stress   !!

TODAY I WENT    TO  a local   church were  they  had a  community  showing  of an old   film called  the   fast lady     very  slap stick   which i am not  a big fan of   I never  find it funny     people  falling   over  and  very  obvious  jokes  but  perhaps  i am  in the  minority AS   THE  Rest  of the   room was  in uproar  apart from   my friend  from the  Shakespeare   reading     grp  who    was also not laughing  which made me  feel    bit   better   not that  it matters  that  we  are all different  that  what makes   the  world   unique   that  we are  so different    I did  not     find  that much peace here  though   as thoughts  from   my dreaded  head   kept   popping up  perhaps   because i was   watching  a film   that although u did  not have  to  concentrate  a millimetre     was  not     something  i   got   totally    absorbed in

Yesterday    after    finishing  and have  off my sessions with   the   emdr   for ptsd   which was   not much emdr    which was   helpful    and  alot of  chatter  which is not  helpful  as  like my thoughts   every thing    just goes  round  and round   just  like  a roll of sellotape  and   it   is just impossible  to  find the  end !! ho hum   so was  not really   at peace   here   !

I went  to my Shakespeare    grp after   were  we  are  reading  merchant of Venice     i get    abit lost with   alot of   the speeches  but     must  admit    right   the  way    through  the grp  i was  at peace    perhaps    cos  concentrating   on   the  text and   because  i  kinda  run   it with  my friend   i was   very conscious   that    everyone  had  a turn but  their  was  no torment of    thoughts  and  felt   great   this morning  when  she  told me  she  got  a bit  lost with  Shakespeare  and  i said    well i am supposed to be   running   it and  not much of a clue  but    DYL commented   ” well  you cant tell  you  just  spring into life like  blossom    um if   u say so  ut think their  is something  and  escaping mental health and   thinking  deeply about other things  as   i am  at  some sort of peace here  although    stress  still forms  luckily my friend Marion  helps  with  all the  teamaking  each to their  own I say !!

I  came across by accident   some  sort of poet / saying man    he seems to  have alot of meaningful   quotes  which  are thought  provoking   !

In the  rush  and  noise of life as you have intervals of peace   step home  and within yourselves  be  still   which is true  i do try to be still  but it   is only  when i am in land of nod  that i am at true peace  I often  think  the world rushes to much and when  we come  home and  relax thats were  find  peace !!! but  again  each  to their own   whilst  writing  this   i am at peace  prob  because  i am thinking  what to  say although as  you can tell    not bothered   about  grammer  !!!

I am jealous  of people  who find peace   with  God   i am in the middle  when  comes  to   religion  but  am known in a  local  church  although don’t   go to the  services   just the    fairs   reading  grp  and   film club   but   each to their own as  what   ever makes  you happy is  like   coming home !!!

INVICTUS DOWNER

HUH    STILL  HERE  MY   FAVE POEM    SO  CALLED   FRIEND   (  turn   capitals off  )  ha   someone  made  a  comment on my  face book  that it   always  seems as if yelling my  head off  on facebook were as  i said  know  capitals just pop  up and don’t  turn  them off !! ha

I  HAVE  BEEN IN A  mood   for   bit with INVICTUS  AS  THE   OPENING LINE   GETS   TO ME   OUT OF  THE NIGHT  THAT  COVERS    ME  BLACK AS THE PIT FROM  POLE TO POLE  UMM  TRUE   i really liked  that bit as kept   thinking one day   this nightmare   be open but the last  time  saw  the  ptsd  man  he reckoned it   was  also pure  ocd  and just had to   change   thought pattern if  the thoughts  were    rushing  round   my head  and not  escaping   look at  a tree !!!  ummm   don’t think he  really  understands   how   difficult  this is !!!

Rob  says   i am   a bit like  Pandora  and her box  someone unintentionally opened   up the   box in my head  were  the  distress of my  childhood   had been locked  and the  n  contents   can never   be put back in !! so reckon   why   Invictus and its   opening line  is  not really  helping me  as much as it used to BUT keep   thinking   well not going to  get better  so  would  be better   to   commit   suicide   as  do  i want to  be   fighting like  this  til the day i  die ,  ummm i have tried  to kill  myself   before  and someone saves me but    this  was along time ago and  the pain is to   bad  !!!! so   i am still here   tomorrow is another  day

I went  to see  my Gp   who took  as much interest as  my dog  when   told  her   what was  watching on tv  well  if u feel   really distressed   go to the  hospital , this  was the  day before the  election  so  said  ” all  depends  on  what  happens tomorrow   how  i  will” feel   SHE  LOOKED   BLANK  ” WHY  WHATS   HAPPENING   TOMORROW  ” AHHH   THE   ELECTION  DONT U  KNOW   “”   FOR SOMEONE   WHO   IS  REALATIVELY  POLITICAL THIS  WAS  A COW  PAT IN THE  FACE   (not  shouting  capitals    just popped up

I thank what   ever Gods may be   for my unconquerable soul  (  I  quite  like  this  bit  even when  suicidal  as   good  line  to keep saying  to self   yer   i am still  here    my soul is unconquerable  (  umm well hope so  when i get  into  suicidal  mode  keep thinking   what if   something  cropped  up to  save me   but was  to late !!! umm  a while  back  i saw  another man   Steve   in Liverpool  who said  if  did  not  work   out  with me with  emdr  with  the  nhs   to come back and he  is   coming to  a meeting    about mental  health  so    will have    to pluck up courage  and ask  if can   help  so  I have not   winced nor  cried aloud.my head    is  bludgeoned  but unbowed    , i happened to  download a copy of invictus on to  my kindle   thought it  might  be   useful   in times  of torment but noticed    the version said   under  the bludgeoning of chance  were    did  this come  from umm  don’t remember this bit  of  chance  my head is   bludgeoned    not the  chance   but saying  thAT  PEOPLE   WHO ARE  TRAUMATISE     IT IS ONLY CHANCE   THAT THE  TRAUMA   IS  WITHIN THEM  UMMM  HAVE  TO   PUT   IT IN MY MEMORY BOX   MAYBE  !!!  BUT   BIT OF  ME PLEASED   GIVES ME SOMETHING  TO PLAY A ROUND   WITH   !!!  OH WELL    NEED   TO GET  SOME MILK   SO NO MORE   RAMBLING  SORRY  ABOUT THE  CAPITALS    I  am the master of my fate  I   am the  captain of my soul   deep breaths  and  carry on    ! sigh —————————————

just ride that horse !!!!!

I   am hopeless at making  decisions  to  put it in the  simplest form  i deciding   what to    have  for breakfast  tend to make weetabix  / porridge and  sprinkle  loads of     other  cereal type   things all over the p place very  rarely do i have  just one type of  cereal !!

One of my pet  hates     (  actually have loads  )    is what    do  you do or  what do  you see   yourself   doing  in the  future   have no  idea   think it  is a  miracle   get through a  day  never  made   do something  with it  survive  this   sounds  a bit over the    top but    you  will never  reside  inside my head  and torment  (    doing  violin thing  again )

I was   asked   this   question in a different manner  awhile back and  I  liked   it  as  gave me something  to   visualize  and   think  ” what  way is your   horse  heading   ” so imagine  the horse and  you are  racing along   perhaps it just want  to go  more  slowly  and sniff and  ponder     must admit   used to  annoy me taking   my dog   down the  road  as   took so long sniffing  everything in sight  but  suppose   just enjoying the moment and of course the sniff  !

The  day before   we  decided  to put poppy   to sleep   we  took her  to a local   beach   caldy on the    Wirral     as a puppy we let her off the lead and  she ran like  mad  in to the  mud and  thought  at one  point  was  going to  run across the  estuary and was  away     in the  moment  chasing the  birds    years later   we took  her to the same  beach    were  she used  to like  to jump and  chase  the  butterflies   but  just   sat by  the  bench and  stared at  us   with her big   brown   eyes   far  to tired  to care anymore    of course  animals   but  don’t  speak as   such  but we  can learn so much  of   how they live their  lives   yer   just    sleep  eat and  walk !!!

to make a decison in life   you have to pause and  just   see  what  your inner  self  is   saying  such   as committing  to something   to something on the phone   but in actual  torment  once   you have  said yes    i really  must   get   into the  habit of  saying  can i let u know it is  very difficult   to make   decisions  knowing   that  can effect the  rest of   your life    my middle  niece  is  15  and works   in    a hotel    but ask   what   she  is  going  to do  she just  laughs  no idea   her   younger  sister   has  recently   broken  her  arm  and has   decided  she is   going to  design  cards  for people   who are ill  to make them happy  sounds   great    but the other week it  was  going to go  on BRITAINS    got  talent with her cat  which  was  going  to  come out of a box   oh to  be   that  age    and really  believe in all these   dreams  that  are going to come true.

alot of    our struggles in life come  from  previous experiences and have let  with some sort of  inner   fear   turmoil   in  an art   class at  about the  age  of   12    the  teacher   tore  my  piece of work   up and said  “it was  utter  rubbish  ”  yer  it was never   going to go  in an  art gallery  but took me  ages to do and  i was the  artist  maybe   i meant  to  be   all out of   sync  and  the wrong way round , so this puts me  off doing any thing  arty as   it is  like  opening the  wound  yet again .

The fear   also comes  from wanting to be safe  which  is like the  ego  shouting out loudly   NO  no lou don’t   do art    although  sometimes   and dabbled   when  I have made it very clear    just  let me  do own thing  !!!!!!

I  have in the past worked with  young children  and some one said  to me   why do   always  head  for the  craft   table  when  you  hate  art so much   ummm  but the  kids    don’t know that  i am  prob  at the   same standard  at  the  3/5  year old but  we   are   just in the  moment   cutting and  sticking   so yer  do your own thing  and  ride that horse !

so i guess  next time   a big  decision   just    sit and  wait  and  listen and  does the inner  horse  want   to   slow down or zoom    off on a gallop rushing into the  decison   or what like more  anything  slowly  going along  taking   everything you meet  in  your stride  be curious   in the  journey but  nothing  stopping  you  if   you feel the  journey    to much  turning the  horse  round and   gallop    back  home  (  bit corny  that    but you get the picture    now  then   to make  a cup of tea  / coffee   discision

 

life of dreams

I  AM recovering slightly  from  learning that I have pure  ocd   although   bit  difficult    to know   I will never  be  fully well but   to be   bluntly  honest   i always  knew this !!!   so although  I have  dreamt for  years that one day  i will be  what i used  to be   but  this  is just living  a   dream !!!

I  have been  told   that   i  just   have to be assertive as  i am my own  person  one of my  pet hates in life   people telling me   how to live  my life !!! which brings me to   this  i picked   up  from somewhere

you  are the only  expert  you are unique

there is  only one  you

recognise  individuality  in everything  you do

what   you  need  to be happy if  for you  to decide

no-one   else has  sufficient  perspective   on how you  feel inside !!

I  know  not the  same hitting power as   best  mate poem Invictus  which  is still  with me  (  maybe   tomorrow   say more on that maybe  not ) but   for someone  like   me and   prob  u and  the  other million   trillion others  people on the planet    it kind of    reminds me  that    although  we  are all one   their  is only one of  you so  who else   can know   you better !!!!!

I  have  alot  of inner   feelings  in life    someone   once told   me  i  was  surrounded by angels    find that hard to believe  but  nice thought    but do  think  we  have some inner   being   not sure  if its a soul   guiding us   but  if i look  back   which is  not always a  good thing  i am deffo  getting  a nudge   from  something   telling me   which  to go !!! and  i suppose   we  don’t  often   stop and  listen   to what is inside of  us   i like   to take   time   getting   to things   tend to be  early  rather than late  so  can  just  relax  and think  and pause  !!!

I remember ages   ago   getting a  train  over  to liverpool as  was going to the  theatre  my friend  persuaded  me  to get the   6.45 train   over   when  the  show  started  at  7.30 b ut the  train  did not  turn up  luckily a friend   from the  reader  on the platform  but gave   us a  lift  but  never again   should  have  listened  to my inner thoughts .

I know   it is  a cliché  but life is  a journey   i feel  as if   i have   been stuck at one  point   for  yeons   but  hope  to to arrive  at  a  different   destination but  it may not   be the  destination i want myself   bit like  going to   Torquay   which  is very  nice  but not   quite the  same  if u  were   expecting to go  to BARCELONA !!!

PERHAPS   INSTEAD OF   DREAMING OF WHERE  YOU WANT  TO BE   THINK OF  WHERE  YOU   ARE NOW !!!   OH WELL  I am the master of my fate  I am the  captain of my soul keep   going  !!!!! the   journey  has  to stop  one day  just  hope like  it when i arrive !!!

posey A_ maying

I actually  am not    a great   lover   of poety  look  at the  amount of  novels   in the  word but   occassionly go to a  shared   reading  grp and  dont leave  when the  poetry   comes out  and  feel  bits   guilty about my evil thoughts !!!

The other  week went  to  a  new  shared   reading   grp  run by although  knew  the leader and  all of  the others   4 of us in total   but we  read  this   and came out  yer   that   was okish  ( note the  ish )  not Incictus   had no desire  to  read it count less  times or   play memory   games   with it   but the  thoughts   in my head    (  evil)  although  i myself   am quite nice  (  note the  quite )      stop  when i   write   even more so  than when i read   maybe    you  really have to con centrate   on moving  the fingers  and thoughts  at ssame time  as per usual   apoligise  for grammer   (  that  is to much hassle )

 

Posy A  Maying   by John clare

Now comes   the  bonny May  dancing and skipping

Across  the  stepping   stones of meadow  streams ,

Bearing nokin  to April  showers  a weeping

But   constant  sunshine  as her  servant  seems

HER  heart is up – her sweetness  all  amaying ,

streams in her face  like  gems on  beauty’s  breast .

The  swains are   sighing  all   and well -a daying

LOVEsick and gazing on their lovely guest .

The sunday paths to pleasant  places leading

Are  graced by couples linking arm in arm ,

Sweet  smiles  enjoying or some book  areading

Where love and  beauty are the constant  charm,

for  while  the bonny May  is dancing  by

Beauty delights the ear  and beauty fills the eye

the whole grp  liked it    although the  weather   was  much more  spring  like   than  it  has been last few  days  actually summer   does not officially start some people say   til  June which is thursday !!!

this day and age   you can’t   really have the presumptions  that   we used  to have the grp talked   about   weather   in the past really   was the  sun always  shining  my nain always used to  keep saying  ” never cast a cloud  til  may is out   I always  thought  she meant  never  rely on the weather  til  may out   but think it something to do  with   the may flower

amaying  as  some  sexual  t ype of  meaning   i never knew that  but that what we were talking about  when they  say go amaying  and something to do with the maypole   dance  not to sure  if  i was prepared   i would  do  my home work   and look   things up but   rather do  things out of my head !!! (  sorry)

I  am not  to sure  when the  swains  are   sighing   all  is that   the m ale at the   female  but  you have a  feeling of hope   reading   this through  of the summer and lightness to come   i think  may day it self is half way between the  spring  and  summer   equinox  or maybe not (  think   I  just make    things  up as  go along   but  it  deffo   means  something

A friend  asked me  to come and   visit a local  hill on may day   itself  and  i was like yer ok  maypole dancing dance  about on a hill  cool but then  told me  to  be   their  before the  sun  came out  to  welcome the may due  errr no ta   just not a  morning  person   even  if  it is  special may day due   thingy

the only memory  i have as kid  of Mayday is this  dancing    round the Maypole  with a  grp  of girls and  me tangling the   whole  the maypole   up   !!!!! I  thought  it was   fun if nought  else ‘

We have only another  day of may left  and the  weather not looking good   but u never know   ,  I like our weather  in the u.k  you just dont  know  what  will happen  next   although it is   a pain    deciding   what to  wear  !!!

I plan to  go back to the  reading  grp on thursday all being well   and will keep  calm    when  told ” shall we   finish with a poem  something  uplifting  and thoughtful about   i feel  alot  calmer anyhow !!!!   I will leave  you   with the last few lines

For  while the bonny May  is dancing by

Beauty  delights   the ear and  beauty  fills the  eye !!!  ta   MR CLARE

Count your blessings

I think have   told you   before   you that i am the  image  of my mum   but  nothing  like her   just tolerate   her  !!!   she is  of the ilk   that  every day  is a blessing    and    seems  to live life  full of   Gratitude   for each day .

I   reckon this  is because   she  developed   Addison disease   when pregnat with me and  not p icked up  til  after    i was born   and  could have killed   us both    , i   Have   hear , read  that some  people  who stare   death   in the  face tend   to live  life   with this  lets   do something   good  with out  lives  .

I  am not like this  ,  when  i am really down   i want  to  find  the  DRS  and Nurses   who saved me  and wak them over the  head  !!  my  parents   were  told for  weeks/ months  that things  not looking   good  and when  i did  come  home   from hosi   a nurse said  u do  know    she is  brain  damaged  !!! ,   but   turns out   not  as  bad as what people   predicted   this is   turning  into  a right  sobby   story  but  i am always   interested   in why  myself  and my  mum have gone   through same   experiences  but we   view life  so differently ,

I think  i was  born   fighting  and   to an  extent   still fight today   as   thoughts of  suicide    break through then i would be  at peace  but  people  have told    me   ” what a waste   because   you have been   through  so many   situations  and come  out  from them    speaking  writing   about them  may  help someone   else   ummm that’s  true  fight on Macduff  !!!!!

My mum   loves to say   ” life is     a gift   u should  do something  , I  kinda   think yer a  gift  like   sock at   christmas    although  actually   have got   quite   a fetish  about socks

I  think  I  told you have   been   recently  told got  pure ocd  th is  were  horrific  thoughts   spiral  round and  round like a washing  machine   and people keep  saying  live int  moment  yer   but this is  not good  if it is late  and  have forgotten to  check the   fridge  and run out of milk  !! or even  worse  not checked it and gone sour but  i suppose   if you  have every thing   you need  for the moment  then you have it all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The  past moment  has gone  and the  present moment may never arrive  so live in the now  and   the  awful   images i   have   in my  mind  are   just that   a   picture  so let go   yer  I  get told  this all the time by  various  people but  the images  are to ingrained   and wont go al though  writing   this i am relatively   calm  but really   not a good   idea   to sit    and  write  what ever  comes  out of my brian  next and  need the loo  and a cuppa  !!

I think  i have lost   hope in the   future  as  when got  grumpy head   nothing lasts    people  move on and nothing  changes but   often   think of job   from what i  remember  things  turned out for him in the end  so just  trust and let the  future   unfold ,  ummm Invictus has been with  for  over  18 months   and often say it in my bed     especially this  last week but   do say  it   alot  travelling about  not the  whole poem since   hearing  about the  pure ocd    i am like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no more  leave me  alone   but  I am the master of  my soul  I am the master of  my fate so  carry  on  i say  !!!!

I  have been  told   i am child like as  very spontaneous  and moods   change  a lot like a child  very excitable but   what children have  is a gift   live in  the present   not sure  about this my  youngest  niece is  6 not  7 til   August  but other day  said    shall we  just pretend that  i am 7  i just can’t wait for that  day !!!!!!

OH WELL  this  ends a  very dreary day      the next one should be   happier  I hope  for   your sake as well as mine

Happiness   requires  that  we enjoy   what  we have  not that   have all that  we want !!!!!!!!!!!!!  um theirs  something to think about