Dragons dreams and witches

I used to day dream or  just  plain visualise   Witches  alot as a child   scaring  myself  silly,  I used to have orange  type   curtains  which were  relatively  light in colour  and  cld  make  shapes of witches through them  and  i think  my ocd  kind of  started  in a  very  simple way that i had  to jump under my covers  within a certain number of   seconds or they  wld attack me

I always   got   to   safely  in time   but   even writing  about  it  decades  later   sends  a  shiver  down  my back and  don’t want   them coming back.

A friend  lived    a few   roads   away  we  used  to play  knock  on the  witches  door  if u dare   and run away  it was  so  scary  looking  back the poor lady was  prob just a  bit eccentric and bedraggled   riding  a clamped out   bicycle  again no crime   (  feel  ever so  guilty now but  to   get  back  home  i either  had to pass the haunted  field or  the   witches  house  either  was petrified  ail though  their   was nothing   scary  really abt the field   it has  since had flats   been  built on ad i bet  none   of  the residents  had   any idea how the  local kids   used to scare  them selves     silly/stupid  over it !!

 

been dreaming  quite   abit about   dragons  not sure   why they  are  not scary   it   is  really just  strange that i am  at odd moments thinking abstractedly about  them

in   a poetic   dream like   way

Poetry  is like   waking   up from a fantasy  dream as

sometimes  you   don’t remember   your dragons  as   maybe

they  were  killed in your dream by you sometimes   you

do remember    your dragons because   you  rode upon them in your dreams

although  sometimes   you are   wide    awake  and   you  really do  believe  in dragons  and that’s  the magic of knowing you are  a dreamer !!

or this  cld apply  to witches  just  wish  would   know what  the  meaning is to witches  and  dragons !!! ha

 

 

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Tiny steps filled with hope !

H ad  an appointment  this week to with  the  DR who is  helping  me out so  much with  finding out hopefully  for once and to all what is wrong .

I  really was  was not happy as my mum kept on insisting she  came with me  which was not to keen  she gets  so upset and   turns  it to her problems  having a child  like me ( charming and  is over  dramatic   I have  more  of a fighting  spirit  and  to  bluntly out is  able to  answer  back  consultants   GPS  and   everything in between . I am used to medical people   and  honestly they are  not   Gods with superpowers and yes    i realise they are  human  but in my humble opinion so many mistakes  have been made  with my life  that  i will not be  a Devon loch and fall before  the end   !!! ( ha me being over dramatic)

I decided   to let  my mum go with  me but with strict instructions   to leave the  talking to me well  first things   first  find out  what happened with  the brain scan although i knew   cos the time  passed  it  was not going to be ultra  serious !!!

IT appears  that  mainly due to  being    a diabetic   for such a long  time  and not always the best  controlled  has effected my  oxygen levels to the brain ,  and on top of  being  very short  of oxygen  at   birth due to my Usain BOlt  (  very quick)   birth  their is some damage  but  not much if  anything i can do   !! just  hope that   my life  becomes  less  stressful and   AS A RESULT   DIABETIC   CONTROL   WILL BE  IMPROVE   Well  always  got  to have hope !!

so  this  does  not really  give  any   clue why i distressing  thoughts   , i know it  is ptsd   due to events  as  a kid but   knowing  what caused them  does   not really   help but  perhaps the   lifeboat is  coming  up onto the  horizon

A few   medical people who  know me   well  are  convinced  got adhd  but the  wait is  roughly  3 years   far to long  !!!  for anyone , but  enquires  have been made   and  can do the  test  for it and  various  other  things   away  from the  centre  so to speak  reckon like   doing  your  GCSE exams  in another place  from school  hall but  will  still  be exam conditions  and if   proven  got adhd   can start  me  on medication  and   in the  very near future    all surgery’s  will have adhd   nurses  pretty much like me  having a diabetic   nurse  !!!

I am on a very high dose of  anti depressive  drugs but  they do  absolutely nothing  for me   so   going to slowly come  off  them and   try an anti  psychotic   drug  i am not  psychotic  but  they  may help the thoughts  in my head although they are worried     may effect   being  diabetic  and its  blood levels  ahhhhhhh sort  my head out and then    bother  about   being  diabetic  , and my diabetic  nurse  totally agrees

 

I do feel  edging  slowly to  finding out what has been plaguing me all my life  so yes  out of  night  that  covers me black as the pit from  pole   to pole  I thank  what  god maybe for my  unconquerable  soul

hey ho lets  just  hope  all put   back together   again  unlike  humpty dumpty

ARE WE a help or hindrance

I have  aspergers  ptsd  more or  less   certain  adhd  and  have often  wondered  over the years  wether these   conditions  are considered   to the universe    to be a help or hindrance  are   we a  total pain to society or if these  conditions  did not   exist  wld the  world   be missing out on so much !!

often i ask myself is  their point  to having  all these conditions the more often i ask myself  what is the point of   all this the  more  difficult   it is to answer  although the last   few years  I try to   sort of show people what life is  actually like  with these  conditons

I at times , well quite often i feel suicidal  and  i know that  the  more high  functioning  an austistic  person is the more  likely they  are  to   commmit  suicide . I often think  one conditon is enough for one  person to  deal with and wonder  what  % of the  world are   autistic   adhd  got ptsd  also  add to that  diabetic  dyspraxic  and not   forgetting  my sore   thumb   I really bet  not many and  sadly the people  who do  go ahead  and commit  suicide  perhaps the world shld  remember  it is not   cowardly to do  such a thing  it is  just  that   sometimes  you  hurt so much that  you cant continue  i have tried to commit  suicide  countless  times   but   since meeting the poem Invictus   i have hope  that  if i get through this   so called  bad  time  I can get through  anything

Especially with the  beginning of the poem Out of the   night that  covers   me   black as the  pit from  pole to pole or if one day i will  get out of  my black hole and perhaps  help others   get out of the  hole also !!! as  my wish /  hope is  to one day  get the horrifoc intrusive thoughts out of my head  and start living  !!!   but in the meantime i have  my thoughts  writing books   to  muse over !!!!!  ( woe wo e  woe )

deep breath   and think of the posotives  of flag waving   and badge  wearing about these   conditons     was   relatively  pleased    going to be various    be proud and autistic   events  coming  forward  next month  very good  for    people  just  been   diagnosed   cos honestly  feel so  alone  at times  even   when in a room full  of people like  what pride  has  done for  various   sexual  orientations  this  cld  be  a  big  step  forward  for the asd adhd   and all other letters that    make up life  so   we are not judged  like   freaks and  to scared  to   hold a  proper   conversation  with me  ad  show  that  we are  on the   while   relatively   normal  so many poople  have  these  conditons here i s   a few

adhd

Justin timberlake  Jamie oliver   michael  phelps  Ryan gosling    Sir Richard    Branson

Aspergers

Sir    Anthony  Hopkins  ( love his acting)    GARY NEWMAN

Chris pack ham   (   did great  tv prog  last year )

Anne  hegarty   the  chase  told people  aBOUT  IT LAST  YEAR  AND   BIG FUSS  on media  why not just  say all this  is part of  u !!

Sue  boyle    say not more   and  then their is   the highly likeys

Woody Allen    Michael Palin ????? um really   Alfred   hitchock   Isaac newton

Charles   Darwin   Hanns   c  Anderson       George  orwell   !!!!!!!   wolfgang Mozart    Beethoven    and  michael  Jackson  (  yep  can see that  now mentioned    Thomas  eddison

 

of course   the g reat  tv  characters  who can  forget   Basil  Fawlty   or Mr been   and  not forgetting  spock !!!!!!

people  with ptsd   is whoppi  goldeberg  Monica   Seles (  remember  her being   stabbed )

Mick jagger   think someone  he knew  committed  suicide    and Jackie Onasis   with JfK   when he was   shot

so yer  their is   a few  of  us out and  about

I suppose  it is a matter of   choice  how we live our lives and  dont want to  be   a bible basher  telling everyone  you meet   but  and realise   we   have  something o offer  and   often  thik the   world   wld be  a less   creative   fun place    without   us !!!!

clear up shock horror

I have been  meaning to   clear up flat for  yeons  but never got round to it    and it  is  over flowing  with books  or shld say was   i have been looking round for   various  flats mainly cos have to  go up and  like a massive  fire  escape   and    their i s no  lighting  i   when go down the   entry  so just  get in   b y the light of the moon !!

I have  been   mainly    living at parents    whilst   halfheartedly    looking for  new place    til last  week  a  friend  of  a friend  (   you know the  thing )   claimed   to know      of someone   that  cld help with problem of books   books  and  more  books  and  clutter  and me   trying  to clear    up   by one piece of  paper   at a time!!  so not good    time wise  especially as love to procrastinate   that is   one of the   big sign of   ahdhd !!!!! so yep  gold star in that !!!

so last week the  said  people   George and  his mate offered to  clear up stuff  on  Thursday  and  deal with   furniture  on Friday    cool   quickly     pointed  to what  wanted   to keep  but dont think  listening  as  when  called   round  late   last night   ahhhhhhhhhhhhh so much gone  which  was  to put it mildly although  very upset   ( putting it mildy  but  must admit  had to much clutter  and  furniture    falling  apart and will  be  easier to  move  so although had  a it of a hissy fit    am still thinking   yep  this  maybe  for the best  although  thinking   it may be harder  than think to find  a flat

waking  up today just  sort  of thinking    baby steps  baby steps  please  and   of  course   my  Invictus  I am the  master of my fate  I am the   captain of my soul

 

buzzing bees

ha d  an  up and down  day  which is pretty  usual for me  but   find if  hyper focus  the in word  for adhd    when   mind  is jumping around all over place and can begin to  calm down slightly  !!!

Beautiful  weather at the   mo   and got  myself  light weight   cheepo  glasses 1 quid  as hate  the  touch of  glasses on my  nose    and  came home  just to  sit  awhile in parents  garden were  alarm  was  uttered   cos of the  amount of bees  on one plant    a rather boring  plant  but it was  covered with bees !!!not the more   colourful plants  which abound  and just made me wonder  were  was the  beehive  and   could   you tell  without  getting to close which  was the bee !!!!!

A  queen is  still  a slave  even in her  palace

A queen  trapped  in the  hive with her  own  thousand  or more  bees

is  she recognised   in her own abode  with  the   most  beautiful  face that  launched a thousand  bees  or have  we  got it  wrong   and is  the  face  strung by the  thousand bees

we never  know   who is  really  in charge   or  what  battles   are   going on  in the privacy of  our own homes !!!   and brains   spare a  thought  for all even bees  !!! were  would  we  be  without  them

written mistakes

I am still  waiting for  a  formal  diagnoses of  Adhd a few  medical PEOPLE  i have contact with seem to   think it is highly  likely  GOT IT   been reading    bits  and  bobs on  one of the  diagnoses   to  see  if got  it or not  !!!  and  was   amused   to find out  writing  style   not the  words as  such but more the  fact    if got   adhd    less likely to proof  read   thing i may   to the  spell check  but   very   rarely  read through  what have  written i am well  thinking  as in that  i  think well i will  reread and edit  at a later  date but  never do .

I have always  had  difficulty with  actual  handwriting which i now  know is  a symptom of   dyspraxia  ha   sound   got a reason for all my misdemeanours  but  i am sort of thinking  this  is  just  me and  am going to  get   really  stressed  out   getting  everything  in the right order  alot of the  time i just like the  noise of  typewriting  as such so sorry  my style  of writing is  going to stay  think of    it a s  a challenge !!

flowers and the madding crowd

lovely sunny day to day   although  i have slept  through a large proportion  of the  day    i am lying  if i said  it was a bit of a surprise  to say the least  that it was so late when i woke  as it messes  the whole day up to an extent with the  ever faithful   diabetes  as  i like to  keep a few hrs  between eating  as  other wise the  numbers that i vowed to keep over 10   go much higher  !! like 20 odd  not that high a number but is   if  diabetic .

I decided to  join   breakfast and lunch together    think   makes it simpler  in the long  run and  off  went to the  community  centre to  join in with  the madding   crowd   read this   numerous  times  but  some books  are  fine  to read  over and over as  not ice  something   else in   Hardy and his ramblings !!

The reading   grp was   small   but   enjoyed the  talk of  wedding  and love  with the  story of   Bathsheba   and  her   3 suitors  ummm  suppose  a love triangle  !!!! and  even  knowing  who win her hand of   marriage  does nothing to stop the suspense   and of course the conversation went on to the  coming  wedding  of Meghan Markel and  Prince Harry  which was    taking place on   Saturday and   on the  whole wishing  the  couple  all the best !!! wihout  the interference of others  in  previous   royal   marriages  and how love  has changed over the centuries  no longer  frowned at  if  an unmarried  mother  divorced  or  in the  case  of Bathsheba  the  owner of a farm  and  in charge of a  grp of man

( Love is like a flower  blooming when all  is well  but  so easily tossed  away like  a flower into  the torrent of the   deep   muggy ocean

once you  let  go it  the flower  may never come  back

although nothing  to stop   you searching  the  waves for it

and   99% of people  will lose and  even drown !!!

love is  easy to let go and  always  remember  that   1%  that do not give up   looking forward  to more  reading  of  Bathsheba  Everdene  and  Gabriel oak  and   others  who will have the  strongest   grasp  and hold one !!!