Hermit the crab

I    would not say i am a   hermit    but dont   mind  my own company      for some   absurd  reason  thinking   alot about   crabs and  how do they   feel   , aspergic people  are often   viewed as loners    but they are   just  choosy  about the   company they   keep  and  need to   recharge    own  batteries  alot  !!

The   crab called     hermit

what is  your name ?

hermit   is my  name  i am happy  hermit

where  do  you  live  ?

What  are  you ?

I am a  cell    who lives  alone  in a sea shell

are   you  happy ?????
I am  inside  the  shell   life is heaven   but  outside   life  is hell

do u  have  a message for the world  ??????

errr yer   my message  to the world is farewell  !!!

in other     words   who are we  to judge !!

 

 

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Posted in aspergers, happiness, happy, hidden diability, introvert, mental health, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

moving on moving home

seems  I am  at long last   moving on    been  looking   half  heartedly for   nearly 2 years    but    within  a week of  a housing  charity    (  the brill  white chapel)      have found me  a place   ( still got  everything  crossed ) although have  yet    to give notice  on place  I am in now  and  have to  get  hold of  deposit  and the    first months   rent   (  all  money money    new  Abba  film  out tomorrow!!!!!!!

I  often  need more than a push as  anxiety ocd   asd   etc  etc  etc takes   hold  was   looking    on the   council   waiting list  but  this  is  quicker   when private  and the housing  agency will  help  me  with  practical  matters  and they  are  not worried   about  me on the  sick and seems alot easier    with no pets or kids

,I  do not understand   why have  to pay  100  quid   just to be  on their   books  !!

I  still love Invcitus   and seems  100%  weird   that    found this  flat  on the  day Mandela   would  have been  100   today     be sure  out of the night  that covers me  black as  pit from pole   to pole  I thank  what ever    GODS  may be   for my unconquerable    soul ;;;;;;;;; I am  the  master of my fate  i am the  captain of my soul

Posted in adhd, aspergers, dyspraxia, happiness, happy, hidden diability, invictus, mental health, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The mental ITCH !!!!

I am shattered    tired out  fighting so many ailments ( get the violins  OUT Nothing more

I have  seen so many therapy people over the  decades   some brill   some okish  and some  damn  awful !!!!!

I am under   a  strong belief   ocd   started  years ago  with   compulsion s  to read  everything   under the  sun  in the   right order   appearing   more  or   less as   soon    as cld read   well  before  reception  years !!!

A lot of what   i do is  habitual  full of    ritual   that    are plainly nonsensical  one of them i always    have to watch  itv     weather as it tells  me  the  sun set  sun up time s !!!!!!

I don’t  reread  thing s as other wise   i would  never   be  happy with it  and  prob  just  delete  and  never    finish anything  and once    some thing is  gone   well u  just  can’t get it back  I  reckon   if don’t     give  in to   various   compulsions  will in the wrong  run just  make  my ocd  aspergers   adhd  ptsd    what ever the   label  is just worse  if  i was  a  disney film  i wld like to   press a   button  and  just   basically  start all  over again!!!

I  love to do  everything in the   right order   so   if  had  a colouring   book  wld start  with picture   1  and  colour   right the  way  through   I  remember  being in  school     wld  get    worse  as   counted   how many days to bonfire   fire night   christmas     half  time  at times i   just w anted to meet  up with some one   every  120   hrs  as that  is how long

blood cells last in!!!!

I  know this is  all  weird   and is really odd /weird   writing  this   down  and  quite   bluntly  although  these   rituals   compulsions make me happy  at the    same time   is driving   myself and parents  insane !!!!!!

I have  LONG lists  of things   to do like    read all of Shakespeare  plays  and then   translate  them all    into scouse   i tried  to  do   this with paradise  lost  but only did a page OR  TWO    Translating  into    scouse   and  soon   got   fed up   but  one  day may  go back to it  !!! ha    !!!  count to  100000000000000000000000000000  !!!!!!

you  may have notice   but punctuation   does    not  bother me   maybe   because   i know   if  read   through  things  i will  never    be happy  with  any   sentence  and  will  keep on editing  and   changing   things  around  and   will   never post    anything  as will  never  be  satisfied   although one  day     may  reread    proof  read   and check  it all out !!   ha  !!

The one   thing  I  want  to  be  able   to do is  pictures  and  get  the  hang  of tags  and   categories and  understand  the difference   I think  ocd  effects    nearly  all  projects   along with  aspergers  and  adhd  and    never   seem to  finish     anything   just  restart    another  project    no wonder    I am so tired  and   often wonder how  other  people   cope   answers on a   postcode    checking    stuff  is  fine    like with  spellcheck   but often   ocd    is   like   a mental    that   does   not see   go away

I am  the master of my fate   i am the   captain of my soul !!!!

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HOT HOT HOT !!

THE  WEATHER IS BOILING  HOT AND  MUST ADMIT   JUST ABT   COPING JUST SO RELIEVED  THAT I DONT  WORK AS IN A PROPER  JOB AS   BECOMING  REALLY  LETHARGIC  AND FROM A YOUNG   AGE   HAVE NOT  LIKED  BEING   DRESSED   I  TO MANY CLOTHES  IN A VERY  SKIMPY MANNER  AS     JUST    SIMPLY   HATE  THINGS   OF ANY SORT  TOUCHING  MY SKIN WHEN   AT  THE  MOST OF TIME  BUT  ESPECIALLY IN THE   HEAT !!!!   DUE   TO  BEING  ASPIE I VERY RARELY   WATCH  JEW  AS   YET AGAIN FEEL IT AGAINST  MY SKIN  AND IF   NOT ALREADY  TYPING IN CAPITALS   WLD DO AS  SO  ANNOYING AND  IRRATING  ( RANT OVER  !!!!!!! )

AGES   AGO   I TOLD  U ABT  DAD AND  PROBLEMS  WITH  HIS  WATERWORKS  WELL  HE   IS STILL  WAITING AND   ALTHOUGH NOT IN PAIN AS   SUCH   IT  CANT  BE HEALTHY  TO HAVE  A CATHETER  SO LONG ON  I HAVE  HEARD  U HAVE TO  TEACH  YOURSELF AGAIN TO WEE!!!!!  ANYHOW  WAS NOT DOING  TO BADLY ALTHOUGH  THEIR IS  A  STRONG   OLD PEOPLE   SMELL   LINGERING   ABT  WHICH HAVE  NOT TOLD  HIM ABT (  NOT TOTALLY  HEARTLESS )  AND  DAD IS   WORRYING  THAT  THE  CALL TO COME IN WILL BE  WHEN THE  FOOTIE  STARTS  AGAIN !!!!

SO ALL  seems   well really enjoying the   world   cup footie wise and really enjoyed the  excitement of  spain v    russia  and  then again  penalties with  Denmark v Croatia   and even  mum got  excited  and   cos had  spain in the sweep came to watch them   go out !!!!!!! aahhh the drama and also do like the  different countries  coming together  to see  how many  footballs   can go into the net  ( well thats its   basically ) !!!!!

Tried  to get  touch  with dad   but  no can do   seemed his mobile on blink   but  just before  going to  Shakespeare  reading grp  got  call to say   he was  home  with antibiotics

as had  real bad water infection and  honestly was not   worth   all that  hassle  and  worry as not long after coming home and resting pm  he was out playing bowls  !!!!!! sure  the NHS wld have something to  say on that  but he  did not  want to let  his    team   down  huH  !!!! or he  just wanted  to  play the hero !!!

I  was  glad he was  well leaving , me to concentrate on changing my few old  tenners found in flat so easy peasy got more money in pocket  not  kidding it   was hot   and  finding a   cool place to  read in LIBRARY  was  not easy we tried  the  garden  and it  did not have  enough shade and also it meant taking  carrying  chairs  tea coffee and other refreshments through the  library and  then after  calls of  just to hot came back in the  main windows cant  be opened  as the windows  are on the main on the roof  so try again we went out in to the lobby were it was a  shade cooler although   not sure if the security  liked  us  reading out loud   when they   just  wanted some peace or i decided  we  best  put it all on hold when  realised  reception class   milling about  and  we were on the last act of  Othello not  actually  full of joy more of  stabbings  suffocating  and yells  of strumpet  and  whore   best   just  relax in the  lobby til the  5/6  yr old   had passed  by none the    wiser   what  we   where reading !!!

I must admit  found  all this  shattering and myself  with various   family  health housing   worries  decided  to call next week a  tea party  day and  have a rest  til the  cooler weather came along   yep    might  as well as  wait til   september

home exhausted   but  all  well at least til  bedtime  were just found  it to difficult to breathe and this went out  til  1 in the  with head out  of window just to  damn   hot  !!!!! might  as well rain  til  september !!!

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meltdown !!!!

Just lately   the   world  and its  mother  has being   using the  word  meltdown more and  more   when   all  that has happened   is life  has  got  slightly on top of people !!

meltdown is what  autistic people have  when life is  so frustrating anger  erupts so   strong  and just  generally confusion  totally  reigns  so all you can do is  meltdown  which is  more  will totally lash out   become totally uncooperative   and  lose all  sense of control

I was  allegedly a very  quiet   baby who had to  be woken up (   very quiet  babies  are  a worry  really  as  babies  are   supposed  to cry)  but then  as a toddler   became  the  devil child  and would scream and throw  self on floor  just cos  someone called me  a good little  girl  screaming  ” NO  I am a bad girl   actually  have  no  explanation   for me doing this !!! ( does  appear a little  strange .

I  actually as  child   I had very few  meltdowns  as   was  happy with  my books and reading   although was  an  elective  mute  in school  i was  relatively happy  in my own little  world   just   basically  did not want to  communicate  with people

Things  became more  difficult  as left  school and people  wanted me to  go out to clubs etc what  teenagers  do  but  i was  happy  in my own world just  reading the lesson  being  if your  child wants  to be alone  let them be .

MY meltdowns   have become   worse over the years as   events  took  hold  and  due  to  abusive   events as  a   young teenager   led me to  develop  true  blown ptsd  which has  led  to the  meltdowns    to be  alot more   frequent   due  to flashbacks  !!! ( I  do know  what hell is  like  cos  I  live their )when  i   have   a meltdown these  days  is  I scream and yell continuously  and  wreck everything around   my teeth clench  and i   feel the   need  to  bite  things anything  !! hell and    x10000000000  that’s how I feel and  have  lost  various teeth  because of the  clenching  so   you  can see  how  upset  i feel  when people    keep  saying they are   having a meltdown  ( get a  grip  )

It is always   best  to try and  stop the meltdown before  it   begins  i  rarely  have   a break down with my   various   reading    grps  as  they  tend  to  ask   listen to what i have to  say   I actually    do know  what is   best for me  others  may think they  do but they actually do !      Once a  meltdown  begins it is  best  if about  to let  it continue    because  like a pressure  cooker   hissing  dont get    to close !! as  just    generally just    to full of emotions  to listen   to any advice  !!

oh well  tomorrow is another  day and people on the whole  try and  understand me  !!! HA  try being  the  operative    word  !!

and never  forget  I am the master of my fate  I am the  captain of my soul

 

Posted in abuse, aspergers, childhood, emotions, frazzles, meltdown, mental health, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

say it as it is words !

I have mentioned    well  more   than a few times   about aspergers and  was  thinking  today about  words  and  how  confusing they can be  but on the    whole we  tend to see the world   differently  and although  has its   flaws  not all a  bad thing !!  although a lot of  confusion still  exists   such as    not  knowing  that  aspergers  is a neurological  condition  yer we are   just wired   differently   it  is nothing to do with  mental health although the  distress  t hat  accompanies   it sparks off  mental health conditions  !!!

I    often  have  difficulty     in trying to decipher  what people   are trying to say especially I have a tendency to  say it as  it is   ad not    walk  around the  bushes and   trees   with double meanings   so yer  I say whAT   I MEAN  AND I MEAN WHAT I SAY WHICH   I RECkon is not  such  a terrible  crime  at least people   know   where they  are with me ”  do  i look  in this hat    and i will say   ” NO ”   none  of    maybe  put  it  on a different  slant or    try a  different  shade just  pure and  simple  NO !!!!

I  really Dont  like  phones  especially  mobiles  when they have  a tendency  to  go off  at       such  awkward   moments and  a phone  call  tends to be  out of the blue , and i dont  react  well  to surprises  i much prefer to read text messages  or going    back to  last  century  actual  letters that came  through the post   that  you  could keep and dwell on  although  not sure  if people  liked   getting my letters and  having to decipher.

 

my emotions  are like  fireworks  going off  and  go off  into   extremes  either    ultra   sad  angry  and to   the other   extreme   hyper  especillly when at a  do  and  it  involves  dancing !!! (  say no  more ),

It is a misconception that  people on the  autistic   spectrum   have no empathy   although  does  depend   where  on the  spectrum  you are  but on the  whole  it is more  likely   that     care to much and totally  flummoxed when a  new  situation  develops and  have no idea  what  to say or do for the best  so more  than likely do nothing    but if a situation  develops   that have  had experience  in well  generally full steam ahead  with advice !!!!!!

I  dont know how   to really  get over   the  panic i  feel if  going to somewhere  different  or  just general life  so going to  put  it to the extreme  and say  imagine  you were  the only person  with a  relative  in a hospital and although  had all the  equipment   on  hand   it was totally up  to you  to   save them and  imagine the  panic  setting in  ” it  is all  up to me if ???  lives  and become  totally overwhelmed with  emotion or  just  scream shout  .   that  is like  me   when a situation  develops   that  not  expecting  and people  all  round  are  expecting  a   certain    reaction such as happiness with a   surprise  do but  it not happening  as totally overwhelmed  often  i  come home  from  somewhere and  so upset   with my self as   did  not   react to a  situation   the  way  I was expected  to  and the  frustration    begins

One of my pet  hates  (  i have many) . is people  telling me  they know  how i am feeling  cos you  dont unless  you are  on the  ASD spectrum  so  saying  everyone  has a  fear  of trying   something   new  does not make me  feel any better

ho  hum had enough of  this  ha   going to watch  some footie    I am the master of my fate I am the  captain of  my soul

 

 

 

Posted in aspergers, emotions, mental health, stress | Leave a comment

Dragons dreams and witches

I used to day dream or  just  plain visualise   Witches  alot as a child   scaring  myself  silly,  I used to have orange  type   curtains  which were  relatively  light in colour  and  cld  make  shapes of witches through them  and  i think  my ocd  kind of  started  in a  very  simple way that i had  to jump under my covers  within a certain number of   seconds or they  wld attack me

I always   got   to   safely  in time   but   even writing  about  it  decades  later   sends  a  shiver  down  my back and  don’t want   them coming back.

A friend  lived    a few   roads   away  we  used  to play  knock  on the  witches  door  if u dare   and run away  it was  so  scary  looking  back the poor lady was  prob just a  bit eccentric and bedraggled   riding  a clamped out   bicycle  again no crime   (  feel  ever so  guilty now but  to   get  back  home  i either  had to pass the haunted  field or  the   witches  house  either  was petrified  ail though  their   was nothing   scary  really abt the field   it has  since had flats   been  built on ad i bet  none   of  the residents  had   any idea how the  local kids   used to scare  them selves     silly/stupid  over it !!

 

been dreaming  quite   abit about   dragons  not sure   why they  are  not scary   it   is  really just  strange that i am  at odd moments thinking abstractedly about  them

in   a poetic   dream like   way

Poetry  is like   waking   up from a fantasy  dream as

sometimes  you   don’t remember   your dragons  as   maybe

they  were  killed in your dream by you sometimes   you

do remember    your dragons because   you  rode upon them in your dreams

although  sometimes   you are   wide    awake  and   you  really do  believe  in dragons  and that’s  the magic of knowing you are  a dreamer !!

or this  cld apply  to witches  just  wish  would   know what  the  meaning is to witches  and  dragons !!! ha

 

 

Posted in childhood, emotions, mental health, ocd, poetry | Leave a comment