open doors to self

The  time will  come

when with elation

You will  greet     yourself arriving

at  your  own door and  in your own   mirror

and will  smile at the  others  welcome

and say  sir here  eat

You will love  again the   stranger who was your  self

give wine  give    blood    give  back  your heart

to itself    to the   stranger  who loved  you

all your life   whom you  ignored

for  ANOTHER  WHO KNOWS   YOU BY   HEART

TAKE  DOWN  THE  letters   from  the bookshelf

the   photographs   the  desperate  notes

Peel   your own image   from the  mirror

sit  feast on  your   life           DEREK WALCOT     1974

I am not   poetry  person   to many   novels   in the world  and   new  info   but   sometimes  something    intrigues me and makes me   think  and   typing  out the  words      totally   relaxes me   although   since   i met     My  Invictus   think it   will be    with  me for  ever !!!!

People  have    often  asked me    about  wills  and  have said    ”  wont be here  not my   problem but   lately   have  felt     don’t   want  to   burden people  and deffo  want

Invictue!!!!  ha   now to the  poem  above

Ummm lots of nice   images about  doors and openings   how do   u  view  a new  start    an opening   an arch a   door  is often  so intriguing

I think  with the opening lines it   is   about being   you   and  enjoy being   you as   no one  else  can be you     I am pretty  sure  one of   the   reasons I had  a  breakdown was   i was    always  trying to  fit  into others  way of being   instead of  my own  to  the   extent that    y ou    hate   yourself and  wld    do anything  to be  you and  is very   hard to    take  away   your own shackles   and  be  who   supposed  to be

It is  one of the   hardest   things   in life   to  accept      compliments  if  someone  say   ”  you are   good at  something     tend  to    go ” OH  NO    i am  not   instead of thank  you

I don’t   think their   is any one who  has got   some  sort   of    past  but   suppose     that  is  what  is  brings  us to what  we  are  today !!!  and   how ever hard it is   shld relish  it   must    admit  ptsd   has  more or  less   destroyed  me but   lets    say   bit of a  cliché    but   life   is a rollercoaster the  highs   are   high and  the lows are   low  !!! oh well  something   to think about  but   still   prefer

Out  of the  night    that   covers  me  black as the  pit from pole to pole !!!

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nasty words !!!

As I have   said previous   ( think ) people  tend   to  thump hurtful   words   to people    i   would  prob  spend  a life time  in prison  if   u had to  spend a  day   locked up   for   everything hurtful      that   comes out  since the ptsd   really  took effect      it is  just   as if   can’t   stop the words  coming out  it  is frightening but   also   must   be harming     about what  to do  with nasty words   here   is a  tale  of  words  !!!!

so will  start off  once  upon a   time   their  was  a   nasty  person  who used to  send   people   horrible words   !!  about  various  things  but  instead of taking offence  the  wise   people took the  words  and     refused   to keep  hold  of them and threw  them  into the   sky and  threw   the  words  into the  sky were  they  diffused  into  nothingness  and  the  wise  writers  got on writing  their  kind uplifting  words   !!!

A bit   fairy like but   so wish     you could  do that  with life   experiences   just    throw them out  and they  disappear  but  bad thoughts  words  keep popping  them up  !!!!! oh well    when calm   i  can keep  to my  Invictus   and the  dream    just kind words  will  come out of   mouth  with a   just  few   cheeky  comments !!

OUT of the   night   that  cover me    Black as   the  night from pole   to  pole  I thank what   ever    gods  may be     for  my  unconquerable soul !!!!    (   deep   breath )

 

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anger just destroys u !!!!!

I wld  say   i spend  a large  %  of my life  in a massive  big meltdown due to events  that happened  in my life and  largely   it has  become a pattern  that just  repeats    itself over and over   , people  always   say keep  yourself  busy   but    due t  getting    exhausted     being with   people  for long periods  of  time  and just  need time alone    to get   self sorted  .  the last  decade of life  has been alot better  then the   previous  mainly through finding the  reading  org  (   wish   to   GOd or whoever   had  found it  earlier   and also  other   community  type grps  who tend   to  accept people  just the  way they are  , I tend to  always   have a book on me      normally a few   just  cos   don’t like   just  siting   doing  nothing  waiting  for something to start   ages a go   a church y thing   were  not impressed  that  everyone  else    took a bible  to church   whilst i took what ever  reading  at the   time   anyhow   anger  is intense   although  whilst  typing this  do feel  calmer    i wish someone   wld gie me a brain scan and make me  ultra    narked to   find  out what the  hell  is  happening     yer yer  walk  in another  person shoes  but  that is  no  good  if   the shoe  does not  fit  and   you  get blisters  i always  think whatever   ailment  problem  you have  even the   nicest  person in the  world  does not  understand    cos they have not   got your shoes   which   you  have on  and are   rubbing  and giving  a blister !!!!!  I do   read alot  you may have gathered   and  some thing   i remember  such as what   dale  Carngie    wrote  about anger   although if self   help  books would only have to  being one book  to cure-all  !!

so anyhow  dale  says     something like   when  we hate  something  we give  our enemies  power over our  sleep appities  BP health and happiness our hate is not hurting  them at all but is turning our own life into hell  !!!!!!!!!  sotrue  !!!

I have  had   ptsd  for   many years  and the   various   things  that   are  supposed to  help have not  done so such  as emdr   talking  about  it     being   round people  that   I get on  does and   concentrating  but anger    does   stop  your life    from moving   forward  i really  cant   walk  reading a  do  not  even   look at  phone   as  have to be  still   to do that    but   do say  Invictus   although   i am sometimes  in such a rage that     has got  more    FXXXX then  I am the   master of  my fate  I  am the  master of my soul  oh   yer   those  two lines    always   help    don’t    let   anyone  walk   all over   you   be you !!!!!

I suppose  we  / myself shld betray ourselves and let   what  ever  it  is  that  has annoyed   you let it go  but as   said   I am convinced  that  certain  damage occurred   with the  ptsd   being reactivated  my mum is   a very forgiving  person   maybe  just need  practise   but   it  depends  what the thing is   easy to   forgive  someone  punching the last   rolo not so much if you  have  been  attacked !!!!

There is a saying   somewhere  failure to  forgive  is like swallowing poison and hope     your enemy dies    yer    does  not work  ( not that  i have tried  ) ahhhhhh  time for tea  DRINK !!!!!!

Posted in abuse, emdr, happiness, meltdown, mental health, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

super hero mother nature !! WITH FEW BANGS

I must  admit  I   don’t  watch  many nature programmes  but must  admit  i do if  on  at someones  elses   house   or one   eye on  tv and the    other    reading and must  admit  go   wow  and    double wow !!!!

The other  week we    wenT TO CELEBRATE  MY ELDEST NIECES   18 TH  WE  W ERE     GOING TO MEET HALF WAY BETWEEN  WALES AND   WIRRAL BUT  DAISY  NIECE  IN THE MIDDLE WAS DOING GCSES  MATHS AND GOING TO  SCHOOL ON SAT AND  SUNDAY  !!! (   NEVER HEARD   OF SUCH A THING)  SO WE  WENT  STAYED   IN THE HOTEL  WERE   DAISY WORKS   PART  TIME   SEREN  IN LLAN FFESTINIOG   REALLY  RECOMEND   IT    SUPPOSED TO     BE  MAINLY FOR   PEOPLE WHO ARE  DISABLED  BUT  FOR ANYONE AS   IT SHOULD BE  USED TO BE   A CHILDRENS   HOME   bryn llEWELYN  WHEN   MY MUM LIVED IN THE  VILLAGE

i AM NOT  KEEN ON GOING   AWAY  BUT   EVERY NOW AND THEN IS OK  AS LONG AS  INFORMED   WHAT  IS HAPPENING   SO THINK DID    VERY WELL   CONSIDERING    A NIGHT  IN    SCOTLAND AND WALES IN THE  SPACE OF    A WEEK   (  k EEP COOL LOU)

WE  WENT JUST OUTSIDE  pORT  MERION  FOR  A MEAL  THIS WAS MY FIRST  VISIT  EVER   WHICH U MIGHT  THINK SO WHAT BUT   CONSIDERING BEEN GOING  TO LLAN SINCE BORN AND   EVERY TIME ASK   CAN GO EVERYONE SAYS  NEXT TIME  ALTHOUGH  AWHILE BACK WAS ILL WHEN HAVING   A FAMILY DO   (  SODS  LAW  WHO EVER HE IS

mY   PARENTS  CAME HERE BEFORE THE   DAYS OF THE    PRISONER  WHICH   MADE  IT SO  POPULAR  BUT  USED TO SAY    ON THE   NOTICE  BOARD  U CAN COME  IN   BUT  U ARE NOT REALLY WELCOME !!! HA

i LOVED THE  PLACE   THE  WELSH LOT HAD A PASS    AND WE HAD  EATEN  THEIR  SO WE GOT  FREE   ENTRY AND  MUST  ADMIT    GLAD  TO GO  IN  NOVEMBER  WHEN  THEIR IS NOT  20 PEOPLE  IN THE ICE  CREAM  Q

came home and off to tanygrishna   for  fireworks on the lake a really nice   community    feel to the  even t  a  liverpool supporter told us  Everton had won  so we were all  happy for once  !!!

I had  seen the   GUY   FAWKES PROGRAMMES  AND  WAS     RANTING AND RAVING   AND HAD  SAID  NO MORE  GUY FAWKES BUT   THIER  WAS NO BONFIRE  AND  TRIED TO  PERSUADE  MYSELF  THAT THE   BANGS WERE  COS   ErIN 18    (  BELIEVE anything  if try hard  enough    so all  well  so far  and  then back    home  decided  to  watch   Blue planet  with  uncle who a massive  nature   person  and he  erupted   saying   how  we  were all  spoiling the    planet and it  was  disgraceful  i was like   ITS  David  Attenborough who   has  rows over him my dad   who is pretty   mild  were  argue ign   10 to the dozen with  as  all hell   broke loose   and  then   said ”  are we   watching  it or not  NO NO NO AND WITH THAT   WE LEFT  WITH  VARIOUS   FAMILY  MEMBERS  SHELL SHOCKED WE LEFT CAME BACK AND  WATCHED   PART OF THE PROG    MYSELF  WITH A GRIN ON MYSELF  HOW   C AN  A ROW   ERUPT  OVER THIS   BUT   PROB   MY UNCLE  NEVER  WATCHES   NATURE PROGS  AS  TO UPSETTING   AL THOUGH ALOT  IS  JUST NATURE   !!!

i LOVE  WERE   I LIVE ON THE    WIRRAL  ALWAYS   LIVED THEIR  AND  WOULD  NEVER  LIVE  ANYWHERE   ELSE AS PENINSULA   SO 3   SIDES  BY WATER   ( INCASE  DID NOT NOW ) AND  NOT  FAR    FROM NATURE  WERE  EVER   U GO AND I DONT  DRIVE !!!

sAYING   THAT  CANT  BEAT  TV  PROGS ON  nATURE  LIKE   BLUE PLANET   ALWAYS AMAZES ME WHEN  THE   FISH JUMP OUT OF WATER   JUST  FLY THROUGH THE  AIR WITH  THE GREATEST  OF  EASE (   SONG IN THEIR SOMEWHERE   JUST  PROPEL UP  UP AND  AWAY  JUST  MAYBE   TO HAVE  A NOSE WHAT IS ABOVE   OR SOMETHING   MORE  SINISTER   UNDERNEATH

a friend  called  tatty  ( nought  to do with messy hair   ,    her daughter   has      pigs  cats  dogs  chickens and   a lizard may have missed some out  sorry as   has to be seen  to be  believed  but   always  remember  a   few years  ago    they had  the lizard  out and yer it jumped    wow   what   a jump  it would   easy  win a  gold medal  in jumping  when you consider its   size      as humans  we   do not come  close    kneel  down on all floors  and and   see how far   u jump ad  contrast  the  size  of the lizard  due to  my ptsd  I am  very  jumpy and  am well    known if somebody  touches me   out of the blue  or   just  says hi when   not  expecting it  but  even   then   don’t  jump as well as   fish o r  a lizard  but  even that    can never  compete  with the   superhero  to beat all   super heroes    mother nature  and all this because of   a tiff    over MR  ATTENBOROUGH  NOT  CAUSED SO MUCH AGRO    SINCE A   BOAT   WAS  GOING TO  BE NAMED     BOATY MCBOATFACE  !!!! NOUGHT  SO WEIRD AS  FOLK OR AS MAGICAL  MARVEL   NATURE

Posted in aspergers, frazzles, mental health, ptsd, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

by a certain age all have Impedimenta due to life

Impedimenta  wow that   is cool  word  I love  words    I know  what it     is to impede   someone  but   Impedimenta    cool  and    think we all  have  it  maybe not    mother   Theresa or   other  saintly  people  but still!!!

I have  a terrible  temper  which  is totally  uncontrollable      according   to   my  paRENTS   my tantrums  were  out of this  world over  the  most    trivial matters     to-day  the   majority of  day   is  spent  muttering  swear    words   under  breath or  shouting them loudly think it  is   a result  of Ptsd  which  have  had  full-blown   nearly 16 years  and   i just live  in hope that  one  day   it will become  livable   don’t  mind    my rucksack of Impedimenta  just  want   the ptsd   torment to go !!!  but the  words  fling  out and just  can’t  stop  it   just like

The  internet has  opened   the   world to torments  and  bullying   to a degree   as  people    tend to    think    can put anything  as   we  can’t  see the persons face    but the  ink slinger  is alive and well , I must  admit  it is  very difficult    for me  once a discussion  starts  and   soon  boils out  of control and    can often brood  and  over   react  about   things  written or   said   but would be   easier  if just   said   so what  do not let someones   elses opinion   absorb into   your body or mind !!! ( easier  said than  done )

It is   so easy for things to get out of  hand and  words  are slUNG all over the    place and  as  person who knows  to well  the  dreaded  emotion  enters  the psyche and   not kidding  one  it  has  come into you being  hard to get  rid of  but  really the poison can  only hurt u if u drink  it .

I  only found  about the   word  impedimenta  the  other day  which is kind of  what  we all suffer from    as  we all  pick up baggage  on our way through  life and  not playing  the   violin or anything    if  like myself  it is  very difficult to  stop the   hurt   and  hate  forming in the   mind body . I honestly  think that so  much  trauma  in a life   really affects the  personality  but still  I   the master of  my fate I am the captain of  soul.

FROM a  very young   age   I have hAD  A BAD TEMPER   MY MUM USED  TO  SAY CONSTANTLY  ONCE THEIR   WAS  GIRL   WHO  HAD  A LITTLE  CURL RIGHT IN THE  MIDDLE  OF HER FORE HEAD   WHEN SHE WAS GOOD  SHE WAS   VERY VERY GOOD  BUT WHEN SHE   WAS BAD SHE   HORRID  AND USED  TO  EMPHASISE  THE   HORRID  !!!!   I DO HAVE  CURLY  HAIR  AND   I DO   GO FROM  GOOD TO BAD   VERY QUICKLY

I SUPPOSE  WE SHLD  NOT  LET   IMPEDIMENTA   IMPEDE  US    IN OUR LIFE AND JUST  SPIT   THE BADNESS OUT   ( MY  ENGLISH  TEACHER    WOULD GO  MAD  FOR   USING TWO SIMILAR WORDS  IN OUR SENTENCE  BUT I TAKE NO NOTICE   AS    ALWAYS   DO MY OWN THING   HA

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Invictus cld be lazaurus

This week  has   been a very exciting  but  at the same time  full of emotions .

I have been to Edinburgh to  try to  get some  funding  for  fave   charity the   reader with  the founder Jane !!!

I   have not been to    Edinburgh   since I was    13  AND MY MUM   TOOK ME   as just  been  diagnosed    diabetic   I was  very  thin and  just getting  used to the   rigmarole  of  blood testing  and  hypos    hypers  !! low  and   high blood sugars  (nightmare )

I am well used to   it but the  diabetes  is way out of   control mainly because  stress   so many  brain problems   that plan to just   get through day

I was   all ready to go on my trip  although  not meeting  Jane  til   5.30 so plenty of time   to  zoom to visit  go for  quick dabble  with Shakespeare’s   midsummer  night  dreamy thing on the  whole   pretty   easy to follow  but   really mind not on it   , not over keen telling  people  were   going   but   mate  Marion got it out of me  and    kept  wanting   to sing a  good-bye    song   when I left  .

The buses    have  chosen    monday  to be their main strike  day  so waS pleased to get home  and    quick  make sure got   every thing   insulin   pens  (not to write with inject  testing   strips  tablets   books   dosh   ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  well as long as   GOT me   and insulin  will survive .

I GOT TO STATION  WITH PLENTY OF TIME MUST  ADMIT   TIME KEEPING on whole not bad although mum and dad  had insisted coming   with me  but maybe   on hindsight good thing  as   when got  to   Port sunlight   station   went on the platform  for Chester with  mum  and dad   on other   side  (after parking car )    shouting   ” where   u going  ”  oh yer   anyhow got to Limestreet  had a cuppa  and went to  see    Doddy  and so  called  egg  woman  ( bessie bradick)  or something but no their   AHHHHHHH have    they put him  elsewhere  am i in the    right place i walked  round  incase he was hiding  bit difficult  for statue to do and then bounded  back to parents   ” he’s not their  no   did y doddy what    to do but  they just laughed  and told me to  go back to where  he used to be   before  station  done up umm o  anyhow  i did that and  all well and  abit  of scramble  but got  train to Wigan !!!!  always   have   a  slight  errr when we off    but not long  and in Wigan station but  getting off  was   more  or less  as instant  as mash  an announcement  made  the  train to   Edinburgh had been cancelled , good to know curse  of lou  still alive and well   it flashed through mind   ” does   this mean   its all off   as not much staff about a train  to Glasgow came in  can we  go on this  we asked   no hang  about for an hr  and  get the next one   oh ok   fine nice  cosy waiting  room and    took insulin  and had munch , my blood  was much better  than  before  it was sky-high in the 2os  but just gave  more insulin and fine  (  not easy staying alive business )

All  fine    got train     persuaded  Jane to sit  by window as she is a lark and i am an owl  and have  totally different sleep patterns  so she cld  doze off  if  she wanted and  i cld get  out  to go loo !!!

The train was relatively  amusing  as   although  very late   at night  their was numerous  children   all  around   6  and younger    so had  songs of the  muffin man at  various  intervals  ( used to love that   song)  and a    boy of  about  3   who had a  balloon which   sailed over  to me on  various    intervals so    fun all round

so  off  to find   hotel   pretty  easy   to find  on princess  street  overlooking the park   which  is   the  kind of place I like   atmospheric  with   walls  full of  stories to tell me and   giant  black door   with  a massive   picture  of   Queen  to  welcome  us  , was something to do with the     British  empire  something   which at times makes me  feel   bit uncomfortable with  but   their is    good and bad to every thing  and  reading  through  the  book  about   the  works of place not all bad !!v

I was  at the   top   of the  hotel  (  mad woman  in attic )  loved   it   especially the  stairs  and wondered   who has been here in generation past  but  no time   for  imagining   it was  zzzzzzzzzzzzz  time   but was   made up    cos of  +1  I cld   watch the news on itv    always   feel  happier  cos    although  in Scotland    I love   to know  when the  sun is   waking up and  going to sleep  ( no idea  why yep aspergic people are odd  but  harmless   it   just makes me  feel better   nought   against  other  channels  just like   to  know   zzzzzzzz took insuin which  was  slightly off  key but   not to bad  and  a   quick think about   going to say  tomorrow   i   tend to  play around with invictus  or tales  of   the  reader  constantly but never   write    it down   just play   with  thoughts  in head    zzzzzzzzzzz

great nights  sleep and   lovely  breakfast  with  of  course   porridge  which i adore   and kippers   yum not  had  proper kippers  for yeons and  yer  i had forgotten how bony the are  ( not something  to eat in rush )

With bit  of time to spare  I went  walk- about  I don’t  like practicing  to much  what   going to say cos  will get  in massive panic  if forget something so  Jane  was left to practice    ( hindsight is  a wonderful gift  and maybe   Janes  way is better   but  think i know  what works for me  and   went to park  and  just  sat on bench and  admired  the   various   statues  and   did   a  quick   re cap of  fave  poem  that  does  not require  an introduction

OUT  OF THE NIGHT  I THANK of the  night  that  COVERS  ME   BLACK AS THE PIT  FROM POLE  TO POLE

I THANK WHAT EVER   GODS MAY BE  FOR MY UNCONQUERABLE SOUL NOT SURE IF SHLD DO THE WHOLE Think AND THEN    FINISH WITH    WELL DONT  LIKE  TO CALL IT A MANTRA  BUT IT IS SOMETHING   LIKE THAT

I am master of my fate I am  captain of my soul    umm will see    what happens  !!!!

I am  surprising  relaxed , and love  the set  up Edinburgh  it  is set up  for  someone l like me  likes to know   were   everything is  but  here  is super cool  as    there is  really  just one line of princess street  and the   park opposite    and little  side   streets   leading to other     squares   so  really to me   impossible to get lost so went  wandering  to  a little cafe   in a basement  (  don’t see   the point of   being  somewhere new    going to costa  / Starbucks  even subway  as they are  everywhere   contrary to belief    autistic s do  try    new things if  their  decision  ,  the   cafe  was  friendly and  the minute  I spoke the   waitress  was made up when  heard my accent    oh yey  scouser   i have  got  few mates  in  liverpool   cld not  be bothered   telling him from Wirral so a   plastic  scouser ha

Met jane  we were  talking about  were  we cld  go and looked  up  libraries  and  saw   one  library of  mistakes   about business  and  were   gone  wrong   very useful and    went to find  it  which we  did and looked   –  so interesting    and  like    fairy world  mystery , so went off  exploring and   down  lovely alley  being  made in  to yuppie flats  their it  was  but  the door was   shut and   went  to away but   decided to   go back and knock but  by now  we knew     had made  one massive   mistake   shld always let  people   know    you are  coming so  they  are in  so   nought  u can do lets  have a cuppa  and wait for  Gemma coming   up from the pool  to do the business  plan.

I was relatively  relaxed   maybe too much as  a dr  told me    who reckons  have  got a form of  adhd / aspergers and   my brain flips   from one to the other   just  wish cld be  somewhere  in the  middle , any how  off with  bit of time to spare   I   am one of these people   better  10 mins  early   then  5 mins late   !!

I had  forgotten about it    being Halloween and the   staff were  ultra  friendly dressed  up and  so felt as    known  some  for yeons    not minutes  and then  to  so  called  green room (  not green never is  will have to look into why  u   are  waiting for something   is called  green   maybe    cos think  going to puke !!!!

I felt   fine  til  got in the   room   and   got the  shock of   life   (  maybe not  their was so many people  in this  room  for some reason  had the  apprentice   and  ”  you’re    fired  on  mind so was   full   expecting   3 people  obviously not  Lord  sugar   but not this  many people and bang  we  were off  must  admit   i have always  been  good  at   middle  distance   running  not  anything    were  u  just  go  !! so    my head was beginning to waffle  !!!   LOOking back  think i was   so time   conscious ahhhh  not to  go over  4  minutes   that   made me  waffle  more than i meant  and   was  getting   more and more  panicky    just like the   Faulty  towers  Episode   ahhhh  Dont  mention the  war   but although  felt    was falling into    a massive   hole just   thought get  to Invictus which  i know   more or less  off by heart  although  been say ing   it  every  day for  over    18 months  their   is always  a bit that  get  tangled up  but   that is part of   what i do just play  with it    which i reckon   what Nelson MANDLEA   DID  SO YER   WENT BLANK BIT  IN  BUT   JUST CARRIED  ON AS  HAD  IT  IN THE   READER  POETRY BOOK AND   THEN  IT  WAS   BUSINESS   TALK AND  THE   SPANISH  INQUISITION WHICH UMMM NOT REA;;Y TO   SURE   WETHER     SHLD   COMMENT   OR NOT BUT  JUST   FELT  I  SHLD IF  I  KNOW   SOMETHING   I MIGHT   AS WELL AS    SAY  AS   A MEMBER OF  THE  VOLunteer AND  A   READING GRP  MEMBER  DO  KNOW   HOW IT HELPS PEOPLE   AND  DEVELOPS  A Sense  OF COMMUNITY !!

THEn   on the way  home with a  mad dash but   just   thought  oh  hek  blown it  took my blood  it had been   high but was  much lower   and felt  fine  and then  off  back to Liverpool    via Preston  must  admit  very  pleasant   journey it  is a    well-known fact that   autistic people  love  being on a train yer   true  have  no idea     why we   have this  train   fetish but  i do love   being on a  train  i could   travel about  on them     relatively  happy !!!

My  phone    was running  out of battery  not sure if   charger  thing on train so   never got message  that parents   came to pick me  up  ( no need  )    they   always  think  cos on occasion  have   got completely  lost  that   can’t  go  anywhere  but know my  way  round mersey side    so NO panic  ummm  tired out  of this  now but  although    i    loved  the  whole   experience  of  this    still kept  thinking   gone over   time  F XXX  but  as my dad   says  people  know   what u are like a  loose  cannon  and just  do  what u like   umm

I   kept  saying  bits  of  invictus  but  at the  same  time  NOOOOOh  go away   this does  nothing    put it   to death and  go to bed   but    few  days later  feel just be  who you are  and  that’s  the   way it is    i think as  said  before   if i  am relatively happy  which  i was  i turn into  chatterbox adhd  person and  when  feel ultra   nervous   go into  aspergic   person and  somewhere  behind  all this  is  me    just me  louby lou  !!!

I am the  m aster of my fate   I am the  captain of my soul !

Posted in adhd, aspergers, diabetic, invictus, stress, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

you only get one pair

Eyes  that   but their is  other things in pairs  feet hands kidneys but  think eyes  are  what  I value the  most although not been to kind to them  as   a n avid reader  i  dont know  how wld cope  ir not able to see  I know a   couple of  people who  use  listening   books but dont   fancy that   unless the   teller is brill just     can’t listen to people  reading  and end up looking at people s  hairstyles !

IN case u  are wondering  what started  this eye   fetish it was my  dad  and his eyes  constantly  watering  or shld   i   say one  eye as he  has been    blind in one eye  since  age of  8 as  a result of playing with a stick   lucky  for  him the  NhS  had  started  although only  just   so   spent months in  MYRTLE   STREET  HOSI   LIVERPOOL !!   IT IS  often the   small things  that make the difference   and my dad   always   says  he   will always remember  his  auntie  coming  with a  toy  bus /car   that he could  race up and down the  ward as  he was mainly with adults    and only had  visitors  once a  week !!!  maybe Wednesday  pm  ( how times   change )  !!

My dad  has coped  very well with only one eye although he can’t   watch  3 films  and is always a  worry   if  something goes   wrong    with  just one  left so  to speak !!

I HAVE LOTS OF  WORRIES  ABOUT  EYES   BEING   DIABETIC   BUT on the   whole  don’t let it bother  me  as   you just  don’t   know  diabetes is   the   biggest   cause  of going blind  and  have  had  slight      bleeds   at the  back of  eye  but  can see  fine  but  it is always  at the  back of my mind   my great-uncle  jim was blind  and   just used to  sit in  his home     staring into  space  but  this is  a long time ago and    things  have improved .

A lady called  Joyce   used to come  to the   Shakespeare   reading  grp  and  although was   practically  blind   was   able to   join in  as   she claimed  her hearing  had improved    was able to   listen and take it all in  and    was   a  great character   who sadly    does  not come  any more as    we    meet  in a library   which is slighty  out of town with a  very slight  walk  and    is having  no  luck in having  a new  knee  a mixture  of  old age and wont work (  this   reminds me   must  give  her    a   buzz  !!

The reason  i started   thinking of  this  is  my dads  eye   has been watering like a  tap and wondering  what it is   “one of those things    no worries    it is me   that is the worrier    their  is a difference  I claim  to having  water   streaming out  of your eyes  when   weather   freezing   or   streaming cold  !! but   just    drip  drip   for no reason !!

oh well dad   can’t be  to   bad    he has  hobbled  off  with his bad  knees to  take his sister  in-law to  have  cataract   done   (   he can hardly  walk    cos one  of his   knees   has gone   caput  prob   cos of many    years  as postman  ,  over use  !!!  oh their another   worry  as I used to run alot   but as   a dr   told me  once  what  ever   happens in life  it is one of  those  , I was told  had a bit of   ARThritis   starting  in my   feet  ,   errrr why   just   happens  !!!  oh well

I am the master of my  fate  i am the  captain of my soul and in between  life just happens

Posted in diabetic, Uncategorized | Leave a comment