EMOTIONS WIRED UP WRONG

LATELY  I  KEEP  HEARING   THE   WORD   NeuroTYPICAL   which mean  normal brain   (   i always have to  look  up brian  so   does not end  up as  brian  but still    used to drive my mum  crackers    its  uncle bRIAN NOT BRAIN  UHHH )   ANYHOW IF  NOT  GOT ASD  OCD    ADHD  WELL U  R SO CALLED NORMAL   !!!  AND NOT A THING   U DO ABT IT  AS MOST PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE BORN THAT   WAY  !!!!!   I OFTEN    WONDER   WHAT IT   WOULD BE  LIKE TO BE   NEUROTYPICAL  BUT OFTEN  THINK  IT MUST BE  A  BIT ON THE   BORING SIDE    BUT OH TO TO  LIVE   WITH OUT PANIC   BECAUSE LEAVING MERSEYSIDE WHICH I LOVE SO  MUCH !!!

SUPPOSE  I DO   GET MYSELF IN  A NON STOP   EMOTIONAL  ROLLERCOASTER  OF A RIDE AS  OVER  REACT TO     DAILY  HAPPENINGS OF LIFE   AND I DONT AGREE   AT ALL  THAT    PEOPLE  ON THE  ASD  SPECTRUM   HAVE NO EMPATHY WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR   WORLD   EVENTS    I WOULD  STATE  THAT        A LARGE %   OF PEOPLE  ACTUALLY  FEEL    SO STRONGLY    THAT   THEY ACTUALLY  FREEZE AND   DO OR    SAY NOTHING  AS  THE   SITUATION  IS SO   OVER  WHELMING THAT   ITS  EITHER  A   CASE OF   FREEZE OR    BE  TAKEN OVER  BY ANGER    AND TURN INTO A MONSTER .

ANGER   IS SOMETHING  WHICH   I HAVE  GREAT   DIFFICULTY  WITH   NORMALLY  COS IT IS   DIFFICULT TO    TELL PEOPLE   HOW IMPORTANT IT  IS TO     FOLLOW   THE  GUIDE  BOOK  IN YORK CATHEDRAL    SO I  KNOW EXACTLY  WERE I AM AND  NOT  PANIC MORE  AND MORE  ALTHOUGH LATELY  I AM  NOT   SUCH A FIEND    WHEN OUT  FOR THE DAY  WHEN  i   TRY TO  EXPLAIN  VERY FEW  PEOPLE    CAN UNDERSTAND   HOW HAPPY  AND  SECURE    FOLLOWING    CAN BE    FOR ME .

HAPPINESS IS   SOMETHING   I FEEL RARELY   FOR  THE  FULL   DAY INSTUCTIONSBUT   IT   FILLS  ME  WITH   JOY WHEN I FINISH A BOOK OR  COLOUR A WHOLE  PICTURE  JUST TO   GO INTO  SHOPS  AND   SEE  HOW MANY   I HAVE   READ   OF THOS E BOOKS   AND  TO  TICK THE BOX    WHEN WHAT  BOOKS  YOU HAVE  READ SURVEY  CROPS  UP  FILLS ME  WITH   JOY ALTHOUGH  I AM  HORRIFIED WITH  AMOUNT OF BOOK I HAVE NOT READ   BUT   I MUST  ADMIT  ONE OF   JOYS  OF     BRAIN ALL  WIRED UP    WRONG  IS THAT    I  RARELY  FEEL THE   EMOTION OF  BOREDOM  !!!

DEPRESSION IS ANOTHER    EMOTION   I DONT   REALLY GET   DEPRESSED   ABOUT  BEING    DIFFERENT   JUST    THAT  IT  IS SO  EXHAUSTING     TRYING  TO EXPLAIN THE  WORLD  TO SOMEONE  WHO  DOES  NOT   UNDERSTAND   THAT  IF U    ARE  POPPING IN  TO SEE   ME FOR A   COFFEE  I DONT    EXPECT    U   TO BE  IN MY FLAT   HRS  LATER   THAT IS   NOT POPPING IN FOR A  COFFFE   PEOPLE   WHO  ARE SO CALLED  NT (  NORMAL  )   CAN TAKE  A COMMENT ON THEIR CHIN  BUT  I WILL OFTEN   JUST BLOW   UP OVER  THE   USE OF  A WORD  SAID  IN THE   WRONG ACCENT  I  SAY BATH    NOT BARTH     COS    NOT KIDDING  NO R   IN BATH SO Y DO  PEOPLE  SAY IT !!! ( SEE)  AHHHHH

i WOULD SAY THEIR IS  GOOD   PARTS OF  BEING     DIFFERENT  BUT  IT CAN BE DIFFICULT  COS    TEND TO  HYPERFOCUS AND WILL  BRING   UP   A COMMENT     SOMEONE  SAID  TO ME  A DECADE  A GO AS REMEMBER   IT  AS IF YESTERDAY  BUT OTHER   PEOPLE  JUST    SEEM TO BE   ABLE TO FORGET  THING  ESPECIALLY THE  TRIVIALAND THE    WORST THING    YOU CAN SAY  IS ” ARE  U NOT OVER THAT    YET    WELL  NO HAVE NOT   A BROKEN LEG !!!   I DOUBT    WILL  EVER  WAKE UP AND GO   OH MY   BRIAN  IS ALL  WIRED   UP CORRECT      ZIP  A  ZEE DO  !!!! BUT   NOT KIDDING  HYPERFOCUSSING IS AWFUL  WHEN  U CANT   FORGET AND THE INCIDENT   OR   WORDS    GO  ROUND AND  ROUND AND  LEADS ME  TO A   VERY   DARK PLACE OF  DRAGGING MYSELF THROUGH  PORRIDGE IT IS  VERY FRIGHTENING  NOT KNOWING  WHEN THE  TRIGGER  THAT   SENDS  U   WIRLING OUT OF  CONTROL   WILL BE FIR

OH WELL    SHATTERED  NOW  AND NEED A TEA   JUST  TRYING   TO EXPLAIN  HOW I THINK   AND PERHAPS   OVER  REACT !!!  HA

I AM  THE MASTER OF MY FATE  I AM THE  CAPTAIN OF MY  SOUL

 

 

 

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A lone in a crowded room

I  was  recommended the other  day a book called the perks of   being  a  wallflower   I have heard   on  numerous occasions and my  niece  18    lent me the  book  abit  ago   still on pile to read but still  !!!

I  think the   Tital  interested me  or more than  that  the  word   wallflower   and it  just intrigues me  the fact  that wall flowers although often ignored    be  valued for their ability to watch and observe the  situation !

Picture  a room full of   beautiful  butterflies   on a sunny  floaty  summer day

( i have   been in   a room full of  butterflies  in Chester  zoo and  found  it overwhelming)

and no one notices the  wallflower  looking observing  the   room just  their in the  corner !!

seeing looking  observing the  flowers  trees  plants and of course   butterflies  and   everything  else   just so nice  all  admired  by  a wall flower   just observing the  world in a  corner.

the butterflies  are  flying   round  busy   busy  busy  soaring    soaring  higher and higher  floating  no cares in the world and their   stands a   wall flower  nearby  seeing hope and  colour  beauty  in the corner  !!

It is   funny in life     depending on who  i am  with   i can  either  be   extremely quiet  and not  all at  ease in a room  of  full of people  will   feel so   out of sorts   be better   by myself .  I  met with  an outer  cousin  for   the  first times   since   really small  and we   got on  like a  house  on fire  but  with other   family  members  it is  strange   we never really  gel   just    together  blinded   by  blood is   the only thing  in common  .

I often  go  to   a place and  look for  the  people   who are on the  edge  they  are often the  more interesting  and takes     the   whole  of the picture in    !!

Posted in aspergers, emotions, inner wisdom, introvert, mental health, spirtuality, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

heaven / hell or nought

ahhhhhhh  for   a few   days i felt so  much better   the intrusive thoughts had   gone  but  hey  ho they   ventured  into my head   yesterday  and  back  as well today    feel as if  tasted   heaven   only to   find out   my taste   buds   went from yum ice cream to  yuk   its Liver    mixed up with kidney  and no choice  but to  swallow !!!

That   is what my  life  is  I have decided   heaven  or hell  and no  in between stage ,

about  18  months    give or  take i was in the  hosi  f or a diabetic   app and knew blood sugars  were  out of   control not all bothered   not one  jot  and told   a nurse    was not bothered   if  it would shorten  my life   all   I  wanted  was the pain to  go   (  it is  not physical  pain  but  the thoughts in my head  as i also   said  ” if  i knew  a bomb was going  off in Liverpool  tomorrow  at   midday  i wld  stand  their all day and wait for it !!

AT  the moment   just  few  hrs  a day  of heaven   with no intrusive thought s is   just  not good enough so  if  give n a choice    heaven  or not  existing    it  would  be not  to exist,   strange thing    but  the   thoughts of    living for   an   eternity     no way and    then again     although  feel    life on  earth is  pure hell for  majority  of the time  I don want to spend  the   rest of   my life in the   fire of  hell and  damnation  !!!!!

so strange   as   this may  be  seem dont want a life   of living   for eternity  with  permanent    suffering as  do   get  a break    from this  hell on  earth  but also  not  be in heaven   with a   life of pleasure     i  often  worry about   heaven  it   sounds so   boring  and worry   what type of people    / souls they will be

I  would   love   to  just never be    bit like  a baby    never    born  so never  existed    what  would  that life  be   (   think been  watching to  much  si fi   don’t  normally  watch   that stuff  but  just imagine   if u  had never been !!  wonder what a baby feels   before it decides  this is the   day  I choose   to be !!!

i have    no idea  why the  intrusive  thoughts   have come back  but    would like  one thing  on my deathbed  to be told   their   has been   a  reason  for  this pain so life  at least  has a meaning  and  actually say   thank  u to  the Earth   for having me     just wish  the  world  would   hurry up with the  recycled   version  of me

just  hope one day   I am   well and  truely out of the  night   that  covers me

 

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Alone / company

I have  always  liked    my  own company

strange  as  that  may be   !!

No-   can  understand   that  things   tasted  somewhat  bland /  tasteless  when in other  people’s  company , you could  say I was  bored   my  mind    was  blank no colour  switched  on  just dull  dull  dull unless   by  myself    just plain   dull  dull  when in company  !!

why do  u want  to  be alone  when  u can  have   company !!!!!!   such  a waste of   time  reading  , reading and then   some all  alone

I  became  older    wiser   supposedly  but   company  always   tasted ummm   so bland t  just  totally   tasteless  to me !

I tried   to fit in   often  like  a  choc,  from the outside    looked   fine   from the  outside    but once    taken a  bite   it  was  bland    tasteless   inside  and just yet  more   wasted time .

everything I  tasted  in life   was  to sweet  , sour     cold  or  to hot  but my  taste   buds    are  now mature and just one main thought  springs  to  mine   I can dip  in and out  of company but  being alone  is  actually the  sweetest  taste to  me !!

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it s been an age but wow #invictus

the  last  week  or  so I have begun  to feel  so much better   it is unbelievable  to not  have  such    RAGE  and despair  running through my veins it is just the simple things  of  walking to the shops without this   demon  of all   demons in my head  and  body  . I have just come back   from the  local supermarket     took some books to the  book swap and  feel woe and wow and wow again  it  has been  decades      since i felt  to free  as this   and   have to stop the urge of   dancing   abt   but  strangely have this feeling  of melancholy abt  me   as if   i  have felt   well for the  first  time   and  just  have no idea what  to do   .

I think  i have spent  so much of my energy   fighting  monsters of  demons and      monsters  , i am now just  enjoying the  peacefulness of my   mind  ( wow !!  wow Wow)  i feel  the  need  to pass the  happiness on   so that

is perhaps   why   i am  writing  a way  now  i have  always  found   writing    and    describing my  life    relatively   easy   but  now  i am out of the  pit  i have   no idea  what to do  next  !!

FOR  well over  a decade    and more  i have   been  through immense  anger   sadness  fear  anxiety  and   the   most  immense   frustration  that    cld  not   control the  thoughts in my head  and now  today i am so  overwhelmed  with  this  feeling  of joy that   i am not at  all  sure   what i  shld   be  doing   next. although  i  do realise  their  is something   not   right with    my brain  it  really is  livable  to live this   life and not   fighting   the   thoughts  of “would   you not be better  dead   then  no more pain  .

I think their ispicture  by Edward  mauch called  melancholy   and that is  how  I feel  just  siting   on the  bed  and  enjoying  the   every day  thoughts     rumbling through perhaps  trying to   explain  how it would   be to  an alien   who  had  never been to  earth  before    how  we   run our lives !!!!!

A bit of me   feels   slightly annoyed   (  just  slightly)   why could they  have not these   tablets sooner   kept telling   them  that   sertaline   does   nothing    for me and  now   changed   to clomperine  or something  woo woo   wow

I was   thinking  today   of  age   we  are  never  really  happy   with our age   my youngest   niece is   7    but   wont be    8    til  mid    AUGUST  is forever   playing  catchup  with  her  friends  being  the   youngest always   she   grins  with  delight when with a  child  that is  younger  than her    for  generations  we cant wait  to find the  perfect age   instead of  just  enjoying the  stage   we are  at now !!!!

I  remember  leaving school  at  16  yer    I am free    I am me  but   had no  idea   what to  do next   i could not  wait  to leave and  counted  the  days  but   totally fell  apart once left as  actually  anything  with a  routine  i enjoy   the   aspie   side of  me the  joy of   writing   down a  timetable     to be   some where  at a certain   time  but when  i walked  out  of school or    ran over  the  road  as lived opposite  the  school gates  i was not   free  but totally lost !!

S o  at  this moment   I am just   relishing    the   thoughts  of  being   free  and is this  now    at this moment the  perfect place to be !!!

with  no  more  sadness   no more pain, misery  or despair

to think the  inner demons  have left is   really to   Wonderful to be   true  has   my own  devil    really  returned  to  his  home called   hell !!!

Before  I entered the  hell of the  last    few  deCADES  I USED  TO      QUITE  PLAINLY  SHRUG  PEOPLE  OFF   W HO TOLD  ME THEY   WERE    SUICIDAL AND    do  what  people     did  to me  ”   well  it could  be  worse be  grateful for the life you have     !!!!!

IT is   strange    to think to have  any  type of illness you    require    no qualifications or  a license  to practice    being  depressed  / suicidal    yep     life is   just  the   qualification  you need  and how   you deal  with the  set of  cars   given.

I feel /  or should  it be felt   as  if  I was  on a constant   crusade  to find  happiness the  holy   grail  of life  and would often   wonder  what is the purpose of  my life     their  must  be  a reason for     such a life  .

I  on;y feel  at home   fully  when    reading    and to an  extent  writing  but anything   really which involves a   story    or  deep   and meaningful discussion   not   the small  talk  that  people   seem  to relish i was looking  for  happiness ek and i found   it  to an extent with the   reader  org and   their reading  grp but  when i left    my grp   or    not  with people  i connected  with   the  sadness  / anger   returned .

I   would  often   play games for    yeons  on facebook   and was  totally absorbed    in this make  believe  word  of   keeping crops alive and how  if I   cld increase my score  and     wow   betide   anything if did not  stay in a certain league  I was   totally  involved   in this  world of   buttons  were  the  worst   that  cld   happen is   not  make  the   bonus  or  make   a word   but not kidding   it  relaxed  my aching   brian so cld     cld play games  for     hrs and   then   reenter  the  real world

i  often  feel life is one   big  obstacle   race and   although   been feeling   much better  this  last week not daft enough  to believe it   is all over  yer     the other  day  i was on the landing  and  all of a sudden  i was so  dizzy and  my eyes   could,not  focus  i just had to    sit on the  landing and  wait for it to pass and  I  am still  having   problems with my  fingers  all  of sudden  my fingers will lock and for love  or money   cannot   move them  the powers  that be  are not sure   wether  the beginning of   arthritis or   the result of  being diabetic   for so long,

I am   wondering what i can   do to  help with the  quagmire of mental  health and the  understanding   and    feel i have the  knowledge  to help   but     honestly  were  to  begin  is another   matt er  but      really would  not like people to   suffer like  i have  or    still do  to some extent     not kidding  i do  know  what   i am talking  abt

I actually  still feel  got a long way to go the  awful  thoughts   came back    ever so   briefly when    went to make self   cuppa  but  also    went away  just  as  quick ,  I am just    so relieved to   still  be here and maybe  the   chance  to change things  for the  better

not kidding    OUT   of the   night   that  covers me    black  as the pit from pole    to pole   I  thank what ever  Gods   maybe for  my unconquerable soul     really  going   now    my  thumb s and fingers  are   crying  out to stop   xxxx

 

 

 

Posted in aspergers, childhood, diabetic, happiness, invictus, meltdown, mental health, poetry, ptsd, stress | 2 Comments

meltdown/ triggers / Invictus

Lately the in words  are   triggered   and meltdown   lets   GET  ONE STRIGHT   IT ANNOYS  ME NO END   WHEN  PEOPLE ARE   CONTINUALLY   TELLING ME  THEY    had a meltdown   the chance is    things    have    got to much for  you   over worked   tired   money probs    but  are   not having a meltdown  cos    that is what  autistic  people   have when the   system    any  system goes  into overdrive    I bet u dont  melt  when the  room is     to hot and  or   whilst on  public   transport   ” ahhh  no   just wait   til get   clothes off    , so stop   staying    meltdown u were in  a nark  !!! and you  may   have lost    your   composure   slightly  but   IT  was  not a   meltdown !!

Another  in word is  triggers  must  admit    certain  soaps  are   bit to  violent  or     shows   but to  much sexual   activity but     just  a muses    this   constant   warning   this   programme   may upset  u   and a number to  ring  for   nearly everything  for  most things   you want to   watch you  need a  number  to GET   ACCESS in  and  constantly  on social  media    a   statement   flash up       this    is a TRIGGER WARNING   ! IF I WATCH SOMETHING  / READ  IT  AND    find  it unsuitable    i   quite  simply    turn it off !! or   close the book (  that   never happens )   !!!

The reason i get   upset    about people   telling  me   how supposed to be feeling   is cos    got ptsd   from various   traumatic  events   that have happened   and the   way it  effects me   is  a total   surprise   like   i could   buying  a loaf of  bread  and bang   the monster  in   head     for no reason what so ever     u expect    to have  heartburn  if u   overeat  a  spicy meal  or  drink alot o f coke but this   is for  nor  reason at all

i have had  oodles of   advice   over the  year but   nought    works    really  but  my  mate  Invictus   OUT  OF  THE  NIGHT THAT   COVERS  ME   BLACK AS   PIT  FROM POLE    SURELY NOT   GOING  TO BE LIKE THIS  TIL  GET  A   BIRTHDAY CARD   OFF   KING WILL !!!!

THE   PTSD   HAS BEEN  WITH ME    since 13  but only slightly  and  for the  last  16  years      i  am  still  really surprised   by the  strength  of the  monster in my head  but   i do know   it  will pass   and will  turn back  into  the  LOU  I wish  i cld  be  all the  time !!!!!!!

I  have    always been the type of  person who   can’t hide    how she is   feeling does not matter   who is with  me  if  i am  going   to meltdown   that is   exactly  what i will do it  i wld  never make a good   poker player as    find  it  impossible  to hide emotions !!!

Advice    given to me  involves  quite  nice ideas    but   really  don’t work  it   your brain  is   damaged   such as  mine   i am currently   waiting   for a   brain scan     ( don’t say  it  I hope u find one )  imagine   your life is   a painting  and   think of   traumatic experiences and   blacken  it   out     YOU  might    be surprised this    does   work  !!!

I often  feel   when  I meltdown   that   it is my own  self  that  i have fallen out   if that makes    sense   imagine  the   biggest row   you have had with someone  and imagine the   emotions erupting  through out your body !!!

” I don’t  want   to live in the past  i want to  enjoy this   present moment  ”  but  this  seems  as  far   away from me  as   the  chance of    Tranmere  Rovers  winning the  champions  league  cup    (  yep that   far )

My   head is  POUNDING   I ACTUALLY WORRY   IT WILL  EXPLODE OVER   the   floor   like what seen on the   few   horror   pictures I  have watched!

My jaw is  clinched   a tooth  falls out the  memories   of   past events    are in my head  bEEN TOLDlike   a dagger  stabbing    like   fireworks   going off  try to clench fists  INSTead of mouth   as if ready for   a fight   with no one  but myself  !!!!

I a m screaming  I don’t want  these thoughts in my  head  they are   in control   when i  never  asked  them to come in.   I DONT  WANT  THIS  I  DONT WANT  YOU  HAVE  BEEM TOLD  TPO    GIVE THE  MONSTER      BUT CALLING   HIM HER   BILLY SAM FRANK HAS NO EFFECT !!

i RARELY CRY  AS THEY   HAVE  LONG RUN  DRY  BUT THE   FRUSTRATION IN HEAD  IT JUST  EXPLODES

I   am classed  as  vulnerable  but that’s because   aspergic   nothing  to do with  ptsd no body can  understand this place  I am trapped in   of hurt and the loss of actual me  !!!

LOss   what is loss   it is the  loss  of  control ,   loss of  connection  with  most  people  as   who else has   this monster in  the  brain  so   their  is total   loss  of  understanding of me  and     am  passed   abt    like  in the  game   of pass the parcel

If a   toddler   explodes  it  is not  BECAUSE  they are  NOT understood   cos they  have no words  to describe the  feelings  that    envelope  then   but as  an adult  in the same state  is frowned  at  as u  turn    instantly   from an adult to    child !!!!

IT  sounds   but so simple    really  who can describe the   sheer   frustration of   escaping my head  hurting  but   their  is nothing to show    the  hurt  in your head  unlike a   child’s   scrape on a knee  ”  shall i kiss it better ”  can’t do  that  with a pain in head  !!!

ahhhh    a glimmer of  hope  take   deep  breath  strong      but laboured just  breathe   like a fish wide   and open look at  something a   tree   or a flower  come to the  present   turn the   rage into   uneasy peace  yer u are here  today    the past has  gone  the   relief is      flowing through the    body calmer     take a breath  AND

OUT  OF THE NIGHT  THAT COVERS  ME   BLACK AS THE  PIED T   FROM POLE   TO POLE

I THANK WHATEVER GODS   MAYBE     FOR MY UNCONQUERABLE SOUL

iN THE  FELL CLUTCH OF  CIRCUMSTANCE  I HAVE  NOT WINCED OR   CRIED ALONE

MY HEAD  IS   BLUDGEONED  BUT UNBOWED

beyond    this place of  wrath and  tears

looms but the   horror of the   shade

and yet the menace of the   years

finds  and shall     find me  unafraid

IT     matters  not how  strait the   gate

how  c harged   with punishments the  scroll

I am the master of   my fate    I am the master of  my soul

wooah  hey   breathing  normally yep    survived   here as they   say to fight another day

actually   today   been  not to   bad  there is  a local   saying  where  i live   that  u cant   get lost  on the   wirral    but let me tell u can   but that is  another  story   and i need a   cupps

Posted in aspergers, invictus, meltdown, mental health, poetry, ptsd, pureocd, stress, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

pain / Invictus peace

Every body suffers pain in their life   but often   wonder some  people   suffer more  than  others this hopefully  wont be  a   violin post   u can prob   tell i am mentally  ill  if u see   me  extremely upset   but  don’t think   people  can tell  i am  a type  1  diabetic i tend people pretty   quick    cos i am naturally  slender / slim  but so often  people   reckon   have    an eating disorder   when dont  see me  eating   various things  amused  me so much when at school   before   anyone knew  i was diabetic  it was the   spanish  Inquisition    ” have  you had  any breakfast  perhaps  u shld   eat more      cos u are  so thin  !!!!  no body   noticing   that i was   carrying   round   loads of   drink and  would  drink  a  can of pop in one   gulp  but still !!

I  also have  dyspraxia    which   does not   really bother  me til  u  do    are    directing  someone    right or   left  ohhhhh i dont know !!!  or   a  friend  of mine    reckoned  to   teach me  to crochet  ha   i told her  no way  but she insisted  so went  to  a well-known bookshop   were  she  tried to teach me and less than half an hr  later     confessed ”   you are right  it is impossible   > I  just laughed  i have been out of   sync all  my life and  that  is the  best   way    i often wonder   do people    cope better   if   been ill  all their life  than  if they     are well  and    all of  a sudden something happens  and become  ill  later on  in life  my mum was  a special  needs  teacher but is hopeless   with her  special  needs   daughter  and the same supposed to be  for  nurses    I know   quite a few  nurses   and yes it  is true they are  awful patients  maybe    to close to  call.

I was   with a   friend  who kept   telling me   the tablets  she   has taken for   bi polar  has left   with   a strong possibility  of getting  kidney   dieasase   but as i kept on saying   but you havent   got  kidney   disease  ad i get told   strong possibility  of   getting the  same   with being   diabetic    but not  bothered as  not  happened  yet   and may not  so might  as  well  bother  with the long  long  list of  disorders than the  ones  i may have   !!!

Where  does Invictus  come in  when in pain wether  physical mental i find it helps  to concentrate on something      roughlly 14 months   i started   coughing up blood and  have  got some   disorder   with strange  name (   forgotten what called  where  osephogeaus  went totally black (  talk about pain but    the ambulance  eventually  found me and was in  A/E  with blood spurting and  not allowing  anyone to get   touch   with parents as   at  a wedding   i wld  say  Invictus   not  the poem  right  away though  but  repeating lines   mainly   OUt of the  night that  covers  black as the pit  from pole to pole  I  thank  what  ever  God maybe    for my unconquerable soul     it does help HONESTLY  just  saying  out of the  night   helps cos    u are    saying   yer will get out of this

AS mentioned   before I reckoned I ma  agnostic  might  be    a  GOD   then again maybe not  either   way  wont lose  i like to keep in the   middle     of most things    well often think God  t is having a  laugh and   decided to turn my life  into some   weird  obstacle  race    as   get over one  problem  disappears   another  one comes in it place   well over the  christmas   new period  i began to  terrible pain in my fingers and at times  cld not move then     bit scary  to go and    grab  a handle of a mug and  realise  u cant doit   but it  got better and then came  back and so it went on   I went to   DRS  eventually   arthritis  after realising not going away  and  told me    it  was either  of   neuropathy  to do with  being diabetic   since    13  with  way not goo d but  not end of world   if u can get  live  with PTSD and  have some  sort of life  this wasnt   earth shattering . I just let it be  and relax  and the pain has not been   to bad  and fingers  are  able to type  otherwise   this  wld not be here  ( although the grammar  blurbs  still here !!!

Sometimes   when in physical pain it is  important  to know when  to stop    and   I  used to run  sometimes  i ran through the  pain   other times   i walked for   a bit  and   that   lessened  the future pain somewhat  the pain    sometimes comes  back with a vengence     2 4  hrs later  sometimes it is good to rest and breathe   deeply  and   so  notice   the  pain relax  and let it be    when am able to  move  away from mental distress   and  get my  brain    away from my  whirling thoughts  the pain  begins to  dissolve  like    an alka   seltzer    tablet when   goes in a  glass  of water  a full   tablet  and  dissolves  into    what looks    like a glass of water  !!!!  sometimes   it    better not to  fight    the pain sometimes  we need   just  need to  listen  and accept  that   body / mind does   know what is best  for the human body  !!   I am the    master of  my soul  I am the   captain of my fate   ( or is it the other  way round  )

Posted in aspergers, diabetic, dyspraxia, hidden diability, invictus, mental health, poetry, ptsd, Uncategorized | Leave a comment