#Invictus #mentalhealth

ahhhh   spent  most of  the day   and   of last night   in one hell  of a state  and   if  being brutally honest   most of last night  in  a  very dark place ,    I  tossed and turned   for most of the  night   extremely     narked     and at the  same time  thinking  one must   stop   drinking so much coffee but    everyone  need a  vice  of some sort and  thats mine  .

I dozed  off and  woke with at   start  and was horified  to fine out   was nearly 10  and  was going  to calderstone s park for  1.00  although a  little   voice    kept saying  plenty of time   i like   to  do  thi ngs       s  l o  w   l   y so don’t panic   which i did  the  slightest  thing   starts the  ptsd  , i was going  to visit  the  reader  org    BASED    in    an old house  in a beautiful   setting  but   when my  mind   is  so  ugly with intrusive  thoughts i cld      be in the  garden of  eden and    would  not make   much difference  .

I was raging  absolutely    a bull  has nothing  with me  and  tend to  bite  things w when  things   go out of  control  , someone told me  my ptsd  has made   me go back intime    to like caveman status, i did   try  and remember     my other  fave  thing    makes  me sound   as if   auditioning for    the   sound of music all these  fave things    but no   the  last  two   lines  of  Invictus calling but    to tell the  truth doing  nothing   for me , i think sometimes  i should   call on my Hopkins   friend  much sooner   cos sometimes  it is  to  late  and  their   is no way   to  mow  into my thinking

i met various   people  on my travels     like most  people  when   asked   if  i am  ok  , i go  yes fine  but today cos  so distressed   i  was like   no mi am not good , but  u cant do anything  ahhhh   and then feel guilty as  really  dont   want to  pour   my worries  onto    other  peoples  shoulders    , we  all have our     burdens   blah blah  , that sounds  yukity    actually but  u know  what i mean .

i was not  to sure   what today   meeting   was abt    but  Lovely fiona wanted  to  talk   to me  about  invictus  so cool  ,   yer  I can do that  and  Fiona  so easy to  talk  to although  only met  on a few occasions ,  i have  to be   with the   right  person /people   if going  to spill  my guts so  to speak  , i dont   tell   everyone  i meet   abt   my mate  Invictus

I  told  my story abt  how found  invictus   ( cant be bothered   telling  u know ) but   was glad i met him and w hat  was  good  about today   thinking  about  the  words   and what they   mean to me ,  as  said  before  i dont always get  them in  the   right order ,  I am still  going  out of the    black night    no thats not  right , so yer  not making   much improvement   but who cares   not as   if doing  a n exam  in it and i think  it helps mentally to think hey  thats not   right but dont  get  into red bull rage abt  it

i THOUGHT    today  more  abt  the  line   MY   UNCONQUERABLE    SOUL    hope that  right   and y do i like   it prob  the  sound it makes   when say it out  loud, and prefer   if  to something   like brave , it makes  me  stop   and think , well  u not going to get  me matey  and the  fact it  is   My ,  that   crops   up   alot    it is mine   and u   r  not  going to take it away from me .

The  whole time  i was   thinking  about invictus   the  pain and  distress  were   no where  to   be seen and this  continued on my travels   back  home  to   Birkenhead as i was  running  through   bits of  the poem in my head   but again thought i must   do    this more  often  when calm so it   kind  takes   more of   a hold on my brain .

Well  alls   well that  ends   well as they   say but   m y calm feeling was  not to end , it  began to hit me a gain the  ptsd  and again  Invivtus   cld not come in and    have   u   ever  had  a phone call   go on and on and on    etc and keep  thinking  , ahhh  how long  this    going  on for  so eventually   used  the  toilet   excuse  !!!! really    have to  go  now (  do  actually  , to   much info  but  by now was in a state   and thought  maybe  write  it down and see how it goes   well   must admit   feel awhole  lot different  not so tense  but  feel  more freer and  not the  urge to  bite  so deep breath and tomorrows another day  , blah   dont  really like that  I  am the  master  of  my  fate   . I am the  captain f my soul    hope  thats   right  who gives  a toss










About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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