ahhhh spent most of the day and of last night in one hell of a state and if being brutally honest most of last night in a very dark place , I tossed and turned for most of the night extremely narked and at the same time thinking one must stop drinking so much coffee but everyone need a vice of some sort and thats mine .
I dozed off and woke with at start and was horified to fine out was nearly 10 and was going to calderstone s park for 1.00 although a little voice kept saying plenty of time i like to do thi ngs s l o w l y so don’t panic which i did the slightest thing starts the ptsd , i was going to visit the reader org BASED in an old house in a beautiful setting but when my mind is so ugly with intrusive thoughts i cld be in the garden of eden and would not make much difference .
I was raging absolutely a bull has nothing with me and tend to bite things w when things go out of control , someone told me my ptsd has made me go back intime to like caveman status, i did try and remember my other fave thing makes me sound as if auditioning for the sound of music all these fave things but no the last two lines of Invictus calling but to tell the truth doing nothing for me , i think sometimes i should call on my Hopkins friend much sooner cos sometimes it is to late and their is no way to mow into my thinking
i met various people on my travels like most people when asked if i am ok , i go yes fine but today cos so distressed i was like no mi am not good , but u cant do anything ahhhh and then feel guilty as really dont want to pour my worries onto other peoples shoulders , we all have our burdens blah blah , that sounds yukity actually but u know what i mean .
i was not to sure what today meeting was abt but Lovely fiona wanted to talk to me about invictus so cool , yer I can do that and Fiona so easy to talk to although only met on a few occasions , i have to be with the right person /people if going to spill my guts so to speak , i dont tell everyone i meet abt my mate Invictus
I told my story abt how found invictus ( cant be bothered telling u know ) but was glad i met him and w hat was good about today thinking about the words and what they mean to me , as said before i dont always get them in the right order , I am still going out of the black night no thats not right , so yer not making much improvement but who cares not as if doing a n exam in it and i think it helps mentally to think hey thats not right but dont get into red bull rage abt it
i THOUGHT today more abt the line MY UNCONQUERABLE SOUL hope that right and y do i like it prob the sound it makes when say it out loud, and prefer if to something like brave , it makes me stop and think , well u not going to get me matey and the fact it is My , that crops up alot it is mine and u r not going to take it away from me .
The whole time i was thinking about invictus the pain and distress were no where to be seen and this continued on my travels back home to Birkenhead as i was running through bits of the poem in my head but again thought i must do this more often when calm so it kind takes more of a hold on my brain .
Well alls well that ends well as they say but m y calm feeling was not to end , it began to hit me a gain the ptsd and again Invivtus cld not come in and have u ever had a phone call go on and on and on etc and keep thinking , ahhh how long this going on for so eventually used the toilet excuse !!!! really have to go now ( do actually , to much info but by now was in a state and thought maybe write it down and see how it goes well must admit feel awhole lot different not so tense but feel more freer and not the urge to bite so deep breath and tomorrows another day , blah dont really like that I am the master of my fate . I am the captain f my soul hope thats right who gives a toss