christmas !!! invictus

umm it’s the season to be  jolly !!!   bah  humbug !!!

well actually that is  a  bit of  a lie and yer   think   bit of  myth that people on   autistic  spectrum don’t tell lies   they do but  maybe with  great difficulty and   does take a lot of  practice .

I do  like the  festive   season  but  find myself getting  in   more   s tupors and  stresses  than normal  what   with all  the  christmas   card  malarky  were if u feel  really awful and  worry   about  if   don’t   give  a card back  !!! and i am  pretty evil as  comes  to choosing  cards  well i  like u  so  u get  a cute  and worry  if   give a  card to  a cat lover   with a dog   in and then   the usual  games    of who  sent  that  card  ,   never  heard of them   but  yer  it  is a  game   i suppose   and  no one forces  you to play !!

memories   from the past  were   bouncing round  my head  as walked to  library   the  nasty thought  that  cant  be  repeated  but get   as  the  past  hits   by head with  force, i was  thinking of invictus  say   your  poem    deep in my   head  kept  saying   but   my head  was to far gone  and  although few words  of the poem came  it would not  take hold  ” I am master   then swearms\mdasfej  get  the picture  .

I arrived  at library and met   mate  who helps   me  run   reading group  and began to feel  calmer as  talked when   going to break for  christmas  well  party  next  week  or next  who knows  could  always  have two , must admit  not concentrating on what reading  but mood lifted  and by  end of the shared  reading   session i was   relatively   happy  and a million miles  away  from  my  walk an hour ago !!!

If i am people  who understand me  and  i relax  the problems in my head   seem to disappear  and even thoughts of invictus   actually leave   perhaps it is  abit like an  angel  always  there  but  do  no  call  for  help unless  needed !!

I do worry about the  most idiotic things  like took  friend  for a  coffee ( tea  not allowed  coffee)  but   was lateish but  just s pent  time worrying if   we weren’t here  she could close  up shop  maybe  she   was glad  of  custom and   our company  not  sure   what mate  thought  when kept  saying  drink up   drink up  lets  go !!!

I was  feeling  alot  better  about  christmas  and calmer yer    have heard  Jesus  born in september   so   we  are  celebrating   either  really late or  early and  who  really celebrates before the baby   is born so   could   do christmas   25th of  feb and  Jesus  only 2 months

yer  beyond the  wrath and tears   lies the horror the shade ,  things    not so bad  although  dont think  it  will  be plain sailing all the  way  up to the  25th of december   may as well join  in with rest of  world  ,   and have  decided to  go out for meal on Wednesday  although   bit of me    saying   going out  wed for meal  thurs  for meal and fri  but  no one making  me  all my decisions just like christmas  No one makes    u  run  around like a  mad thing   take it   easy , and just enjoy  other  Peoples  lights  (  can’t afford  the elecy bill and do  y our  own thing  !!!

I  am the master  of  my fate  I am the  captain of my soul and so are u !!!!   (best write  some cards  and the  most annoying thing  people born in december  (joking)    sure   they can’t help it !!!


About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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