umm not sure what to think now i had an appointment a week ago and the effects of the emdr lasted slightly longer but only by an actual 24 hrs !! so not much in the great scheme of things . An extra day is not much in a lifetime but still should not really expect to much I tend to do that expect nothing good will happen then u wont be disappointed does kinda of work if u expect disaster round every corner and there is not well result !!!
My appointment was yesterday a t 9 no big deal although the trains were off and the bus service is not reliable or frequent to woodside area of Birkenhead u would think the transport links would be brill to look at one of the most Iconic sights in the worlds but no it is a hassle and a half ( digressing again) i managed to get their on time by getting a bus and then walking at a very fast pace through the most boring parts of Birkenhead ( most of it is Boring but still ) MY nasty nasty ptsd was back thinking if i had not suffered from all this trauma not be coming here and f3f33grh4gr3,4gtv other such words which will not write down !! but hey i was on time which is all that matters to me .
I am supposed to fill a form in each week saying how i feel which sometimes raises eyebrows when I often think how better off i would be if dead , but i am not so fight the good fight , for some absurd reason i find myself being less able to stick up for myself such as should have told the receptionist i need to fill a form in but just panicked thinking best not ask !!
Rob the ptsd asked how was and told him how it had all come back and he said what have heard before ” AS well as having ptsd u are aspergic and your brain seems to just ruminate so what he was basically saying dont dream to much this is going to work most kids by me love footie and u will seem them pretending to play various teams always dreaming of playing for the premier league not when very few achieve this and are extremely lucky to play for the conference league !!!
umm I don’t know i have not had these traumatic thoughts all my life mainly the last 15 so years so its not just cos aspergic is it !!!!!! ? hey ho !!
We did the usual imagine something else in your head whilst listen to this tapping noise and yer i did feel all calm as left but that feeling not to last .
The last few sessions of Emdr have left me with the most beautiful feeling of peace and happiness if u are like me your brain very rarely has it and would not swap if for anyone , but today was different feeling not sure what to do with self felt very guilty as went to liverpool by train when really the pickets were out for wanting to bring guardless trains in which i disagree with but if a train station right in front and me and only 10 min wait well its the train for me !!
I began to feel more and more distressed thinking why an i not happy , i am not supposed to drink coffee as my osepheouges thingy went black last year but who cares a toss or anything i will be lou the rebel and drink a coffee and so she did pure puke it was !!!! ” don’t drink it ” was saying the good half of me saying but the devil half yer go on the more coffee u drink the risk of turning osephegeous black again !!! ummm not good but that how i was thinking ..
I went and booked tickets to see Romeo and JULiet coming up at the everyman so did that feeling quite relieved and happy as did so “best not kill yourself before JUne then as u wont see the play ” c that what I do i have things in place that really want to see and then I put jumping off the planet on hold !!!
MY friend and myself run a play reading grp once a week and take it turn to bring the milk it was my turn this week humbug !!! ummm well could just take milk in and leave yer that’s what i will do so got the milk, and went to Birkenhead library I more or less threw the milk across the table ” not well u know but brought u the milk , I know the people really well and they just generally chatted and then i said ” ohh maybe stay a a bit then few mins no more . we had abit more general chatter before reading the Dolls house by IBSEN wow the discussions started and after while agreed to take main part yey i had forgotten all the problems outside the library and was in the moment !!! . WE always have an interval so glad u stayed and another member told me thats what shared reading it just take over u !!
yey got a lift home and was feeling okish just a blip maybe but maybe not as ptsd struck again last night , will have to investigate more what has gone wrong as the ptsd man says ” can’t be happy all the time yer but bit longer that an hour and half a day would be nice !!!
Going to see what strange object in my heart tomorrow maybe that is playing havoc in my brain and although not the best idea to look up medical stuff up line oh well
I was thinking of Invictus not forgotten him OUT OF THE NIGHT yer well still pretty black here !!!