back into the fire #emdr !!

umm   not sure  what  to think   now  i had an appointment  a week ago and  the effects of the  emdr  lasted slightly longer   but only by an  actual  24 hrs  !! so not much in the  great scheme of things .   An extra  day  is not much in a  lifetime    but still    should not really   expect to much    I  tend to  do that  expect  nothing   good  will happen  then u  wont be  disappointed      does  kinda   of work    if u expect    disaster  round   every corner  and there  is not   well  result !!!

My  appointment was  yesterday a t   9   no big  deal  although the  trains   were off  and the  bus service   is  not reliable  or    frequent   to woodside   area  of Birkenhead     u would  think   the  transport  links would be  brill    to  look at  one   of the most  Iconic  sights  in the worlds   but no it is a hassle   and  a half     (  digressing  again)   i  managed  to get   their  on time   by getting a bus and  then walking  at  a  very  fast   pace   through the  most boring    parts of  Birkenhead  (  most  of   it is   Boring   but still  ) MY  nasty  nasty  ptsd  was   back thinking  if i   had not suffered  from all this  trauma   not be  coming  here    and  f3f33grh4gr3,4gtv other    such words  which will not   write down !!   but hey  i   was  on time    which is all that matters  to me .

I am supposed to  fill a  form   in each week saying how i feel   which    sometimes     raises   eyebrows  when  I  often think how   better  off   i would be  if  dead ,  but i am not  so  fight the    good  fight , for   some   absurd   reason  i  find  myself  being less able to  stick  up for myself  such as    should  have    told the   receptionist   i need   to fill a form  in but just panicked   thinking  best not ask !!

Rob   the  ptsd   asked  how was  and told  him how    it  had   all  come back    and  he  said   what have  heard   before    ”  AS well as  having ptsd  u are  aspergic  and  your   brain  seems  to just    ruminate  so what    he    was basically saying    dont   dream   to much this   is going  to work  most kids  by me  love  footie  and   u will  seem them  pretending to play various   teams   always dreaming   of   playing  for the premier  league  not    when  very   few   achieve    this and are extremely  lucky to play   for  the  conference   league  !!!

umm  I don’t  know  i have not   had  these  traumatic   thoughts all  my life     mainly the last  15  so  years  so its  not  just   cos  aspergic  is it !!!!!! ?   hey ho !!

We  did the  usual imagine  something  else  in your head  whilst  listen to this  tapping  noise  and  yer  i did   feel all calm as left  but  that   feeling  not to last   .

The  last few   sessions of  Emdr   have left me  with   the  most beautiful   feeling  of peace  and  happiness   if u are  like me  your brain  very   rarely has it and  would not   swap   if   for anyone  , but  today  was different    feeling   not sure  what to do     with  self    felt   very guilty   as went  to liverpool  by train    when  really the   pickets   were out for   wanting to bring     guardless   trains in which i disagree with   but  if a   train  station  right in front   and me  and  only  10  min wait well  its the  train for me  !!

I began to feel  more  and more  distressed  thinking  why an i not  happy  , i am  not supposed  to drink  coffee  as   my osepheouges  thingy went  black  last year   but who cares  a toss  or anything  i will  be    lou the  rebel  and drink a  coffee   and so  she   did   pure  puke   it was !!!!  ” don’t   drink it ”  was   saying   the   good half  of me  saying  but the devil  half   yer  go on  the more   coffee  u drink  the   risk  of   turning  osephegeous    black again  !!! ummm  not good   but   that   how i was  thinking   ..

I   went and booked   tickets to  see  Romeo and JULiet  coming  up at the  everyman   so did  that    feeling  quite   relieved  and  happy  as  did  so  “best  not kill  yourself   before  JUne    then as  u wont see  the play ”   c   that   what I do    i have   things in place    that   really want to see  and   then     I  put     jumping off the planet  on hold !!!

MY  friend and myself   run a  play reading  grp once  a week  and  take  it turn to bring  the   milk  it was my turn this   week  humbug  !!! ummm  well could  just take   milk in and leave  yer  that’s  what i will do  so got  the milk, and went  to  Birkenhead library   I more   or less   threw  the  milk across  the  table   ” not well u know  but   brought  u the  milk , I know  the  people  really well and  they just  generally chatted and  then i  said ” ohh maybe  stay a a bit then     few mins  no more   . we  had   abit  more general chatter   before      reading  the  Dolls  house  by IBSEN   wow   the  discussions  started  and  after  while   agreed  to  take main part  yey   i had forgotten   all the problems outside  the library  and was in the moment  !!!  . WE  always   have  an interval so glad  u stayed  and  another member   told me thats  what  shared  reading   it just take  over u !!

yey  got a lift home  and was  feeling okish  just a  blip  maybe  but maybe  not as ptsd    struck again last night , will have to  investigate more   what  has  gone  wrong  as the  ptsd   man  says   ” can’t be  happy all the time  yer    but  bit longer that  an  hour and half  a day would be nice  !!!

Going to  see  what  strange  object  in my heart  tomorrow   maybe that is playing  havoc  in my brain and  although  not  the  best idea   to look up medical  stuff  up line    oh well

I was  thinking of  Invictus   not forgotten him OUT OF  THE NIGHT    yer   well still pretty  black here   !!!

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About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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