Invictus still here !!(lastbit)

Umm just  realised  that is  a  strange   title   really  what i am saying  is a long time since mentioned    Invictus (  but also  i am still here  must admit  my journey through the last  few months although  i am at last   having   treatment   for  my traumatic   life  they  reckon  i  have got complex-ptsd    which means has  had  various  traumatic    experiences  not just one  so may  take longer than the  average  to get   through )

I still   say invictus   to my self and  still messing the   words  lines    up and   really does not  matter    but  thought myself   “Y  do   u put off learning  the lines   about  the gate   think most   people  know the last   two “I am the master of my  fate   I am the   captain of my soul and  still  get  in a muddle   but    it is more of  a scream out  that i am in charge   not other people  !

As a person who has   suffered  (don’t like that   word ) but still it  will do  as  i  have  suffered   from my life   from the  aftereffects    the ptsd   man says be cause   no-one  really asks  what u would   like  to do and when  my words of  “No  i dont want   to  do that ”  sparks  off  physical  mental  sexual   abuse of  my child hood !!! yer  it does   kinda  make sense  even in my strange  way of   writing with   my ramblings .

I digress   think that  is   why  i always   have Invictus either on apiece of paper  thin poem book  by the  reader org  (  a charity that  does  listen to me ) and remember  the  last two lines   yer  i am in charge   not  f,..,,..,,… u   !!!

so why  i have   spent so long    not learning  the lines  about the  gate   kinda  got    although keep  thinking  just gate   and  thenyey “matters  not how stright  the gate     yer  it does   have  that   strange spelling   think  it  is something to do  with heaven  and    u dont   have  to be  a saint   to get to heaven  although  i have no back  gate    as  when  my   osepheagoeus  went black  last year  and got the  ambulance  out    it  kinda neve r shut on me again ( my front  door  does  shut  though obviously !!!   anyhow then the other  invictus bit about the   scroll    something   about  it being long   the  punishments   on the   scroll  something like that  !!! (   dont like  cheating and looking   but   do like  that line   makes me  think of my  long  very  long   well vvvvvvvvvvv  long line of   evil  deeds and  especially thought  having ptsd  makes u have intrusive thoughts   about people  and things   and honestly  would   chop my   hand off   if   said   it would make   then go !!!!! although would  want it done  under anesthetic !! NOW   comes  the   crunch y  have i taken so long to learn the  full  invictus  years ago  i  went to the liverpool central library with the reader org  going  back  about 9 years   much smaller   then  and   someone was    talking about   ted Hughes  and  said  he  had  not   read  all of  his   stuff as  once read    he would  nothing left to look forward  to and maybe     that   why taken so   long  but  yer   i have  kinda   got  the  lot  but  not kidding     Invictus  is   still  rather  mixed   so not  going to   give u   a Morgan freeman  saying of it  on u tube  or at least not yeT


About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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