The other day I went to my weekly app with my ptsd man I was slightly frazzled as thought a bus had been missed out so got another one that meant 10 min walk but my luck was in a bus that took me to woodside was other side of road and with a dart over the road that could have been disastrous i was over and on my way with time to spare as per usual i am very rarely late !!!!!! which i don’t seem to remember when i am panicking !
I have been following Jane Davis and her blog online ( boss, kinda of the reader org if fancy a look ! (forgotten how to do links ) but anyhow reading slowly which is good silas marner i have actually not read it , only extracts but so far so good although not something to read when in a rush or waiting for yr bus as u need to relax and think anyhow onto my journey , i could feel my body/ mind tense up but started to think of silas and what would happen all we have got so far very lonely and had to live elsewhere , it all seemed a bit fairy lake and although was enjoying it bit of me thinking ” fairy tales for adults he will end up all happy with friends and happiness abounding ummm all nice and maybe sounds good but that is not life and have more or less given up on having a happy end to my life so dont want to read about anyone elses !!!!!!! ( although actually we are only on chapter 2 who knows all this thinking of silas was calming my brain and by the time got into the office was relatively calm
I was not ready for the shock before me though as was explained that the next time we meet will be for the last time that is all we get on the NHS yer but not better and still feel the same as before and the thought of being like this for ever no-one is happy for long periods of time i dont want that but want more than the odd few hrs if lucky !!!!! ( is that really being greedy)
I could feel my eyes brim over with tears i very rarely cry about as often as tranmere rovers go to Wembley this is rare they do go this weekend to try to get back in premier league and in the league cup final 20 yrs ago think !!! anyhow its rare i cry more rant and rave !!!
I said nothing for awhile and asked what was thinking yer the thought of being like this for ever just over whelming he tried to say he reckoned in the last few years things had moved on from previous events ( true ) and was a much stronger person so able to stand up for my self yer thats true very few people cross me as they know i erupt but dont like it when erupt as totally lose it . umm feeling slightly better but still dazed as he said it is very difficult with you to see what is you being aspergic what is you being traumatised ( ptsd ) and it seems this has combined to create pure ocd this is a rare ish form of icd were u cant control your thoughts but they are rile although u actually dont mean them and you get advice all the time for the thoughts to leave u but they dont this is where Invictus comes in but only to an extent !!!
I left to go to liverpool mainly cos got a great idea of reading trees were their is a sculpture type thing with books that people dont want so u can take books you dont want any more and swap for nought for books that someone else dont want cool I am a mixture of Irish ( humour) welsh singing ( maybenot ) and English umm sporty ( debateable so made up to get a book on celtic legends more for kids but no matter will pass it on !!! once read !!
MY body mind was i n a turmoil and good friend Invitus poked up but this is not a fairy tale not in the mood for INvictus today as “out of the night that covers me black as the pit from pole to pole ( ahhhhh but it is always going to be black s## o fff
felt bit gulity bit later , began to milimeters better as looked round few book shops u can always tell when distressed as wil go to bookshelves and run my fingers over the titles and think wow all these things to find out and read about and absorb a little light goes on but not like an electric switch well u wont know what happens in any books if u are dead will you !!! umm suppose not live to fight another day or my head is un bludgeoned but un bowed unbludgeoned yer thats a great word love saying it aloud un blugeoned or the modern un bloody yer in victus sos for dumping u welcone back ( bit fairytales now )
I began to feel slightly better but not much tried to divert thought so went back to Silas thinking of where he lived rave something something that sound like unraveling umm ravioli naaahh got to get munchies that reminds me to eat something Raveloe think that it umm time to go reading the last bit of Faustus in Birkenhead although still thinking were do i turn to next !
Whenever I am stressed my blood sugars rise and was right they were hitting the early twenties supposed to be under 10 but that is in fairy tale land with my life !!!!!
Anyhow onto Faustus with the so called Shakespeare reading grp we read all sorts but stick with the master of plays name as a tribute anyhow the gist of the story Faustus wants more and more and sells his soul to the devil for to have total power i have always been intrigued with this today we had a very small grp of readers but was interesing discussing what we would do with total power for a limited time and what was better total power for a limited time for years actually someone going to write an essay on it !!!!!!! As a baby i was prem and born very quickly with brain haemorrhage ( violins out ) but my parents told no way was i going to live obviously i did but i often think was a deal done between me God and the devil we will let her live umm just hope there is a happy ending after years of turmoil maybe the devil and God will call a truce !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
umm that’s enough wondering what will happen next but as u can see reading lit helps maybe just a bit just hope it ends like a fairy tale like what I strongly suspect Silas will end like time will tell only on chapter 2 need to unstress my feet where is my tennis ball