Invictus / silas/fasutus

The  other   day I went to my weekly   app with my ptsd     man   I was  slightly  frazzled  as  thought a  bus   had  been missed out  so got  another one   that meant   10 min    walk    but  my luck  was in  a bus    that  took  me  to woodside  was  other side of  road  and with  a  dart  over the  road   that  could  have been  disastrous  i was over   and on  my way  with time  to spare  as  per  usual  i am   very  rarely   late  !!!!!! which  i don’t   seem to remember   when i am  panicking  !

I have been  following  Jane   Davis  and her  blog online   (  boss, kinda  of the  reader org if  fancy a look   ! (forgotten  how to do links )   but anyhow  reading  slowly  which is good  silas marner  i have  actually  not read it  ,  only extracts   but  so far so good  although  not  something to read  when  in a rush or  waiting for   yr bus   as u  need  to relax and think anyhow  onto   my journey  , i could  feel my body/ mind tense  up but  started  to think of   silas   and    what would  happen  all we have  got so far    very lonely  and had to live  elsewhere  ,  it   all  seemed  a  bit  fairy lake  and  although was  enjoying it    bit of me   thinking  ” fairy  tales for adults   he will  end  up all happy  with    friends  and    happiness  abounding  ummm all nice   and  maybe  sounds  good   but that  is not life   and  have more or less  given up on  having  a happy   end  to  my life so  dont want to  read   about anyone  elses  !!!!!!! (  although  actually we   are  only  on chapter   2  who knows all this thinking of silas   was   calming my brain  and by the  time  got into the office   was  relatively calm

I was not ready  for the  shock before   me   though  as  was  explained  that  the  next time  we  meet will be for the last time  that is  all we   get on the  NHS   yer  but not  better   and  still feel the same  as before   and  the thought   of being like this  for ever    no-one is  happy for  long periods  of time   i dont want  that but   want more than the  odd   few hrs  if lucky !!!!!  ( is that  really being  greedy)

I could   feel my  eyes    brim over with tears  i very  rarely cry   about as often as  tranmere   rovers   go to Wembley this is rare  they do go   this weekend to try to  get  back in premier league and in the league cup final    20 yrs   ago   think !!!  anyhow its rare  i cry  more   rant  and  rave !!!

I said  nothing for  awhile and asked what was thinking  yer  the  thought  of being like this for ever  just over whelming  he tried to say    he reckoned    in the last  few  years   things  had moved   on  from  previous  events ( true  )   and was  a much stronger person so able to  stand  up for my self    yer   thats  true   very    few  people   cross me  as  they know i  erupt    but  dont like  it when  erupt  as   totally  lose it   .  umm feeling slightly   better  but  still dazed  as he  said   it is very difficult with you  to see    what is   you being  aspergic  what is you   being  traumatised   ( ptsd ) and  it seems  this  has combined  to  create    pure   ocd    this is a rare ish  form of   icd  were  u cant  control  your  thoughts but they are  rile  although  u actually  dont mean   them and you get  advice all the  time  for the  thoughts  to leave  u   but they dont     this is  where  Invictus comes in but only to an extent  !!!

I left to go  to liverpool  mainly cos   got a great idea  of reading  trees   were  their  is a sculpture   type  thing  with    books  that people  dont want  so u   can take    books  you dont want   any more and  swap   for nought   for  books that someone else dont   want cool  I am a mixture of  Irish  (   humour)   welsh  singing ( maybenot )  and English  umm   sporty    (   debateable   so  made up   to get a book  on celtic  legends   more  for  kids  but no matter   will pass it on !!! once read !!

MY body mind was  i n a   turmoil  and  good   friend  Invitus   poked up  but this   is  not a fairy   tale  not in the  mood  for   INvictus today  as  “out of the  night that  covers me  black as the pit from pole to pole  (   ahhhhh but   it is always   going to be black  s## o fff

felt  bit  gulity   bit later ,  began to  milimeters  better  as looked   round   few  book shops   u can always   tell  when distressed   as   wil go   to   bookshelves  and    run my  fingers over the  titles  and think wow   all these  things   to find  out and  read about and  absorb    a little light  goes   on but not  like  an  electric   switch     well  u wont   know   what happens in any    books  if  u are  dead    will you !!! umm suppose not live to   fight another  day or my head is  un bludgeoned  but   un bowed   unbludgeoned  yer thats  a great word    love saying it aloud  un blugeoned or    the modern  un bloody    yer  in victus sos for  dumping  u  welcone back  (  bit  fairytales now )

I began to  feel slightly better  but not much tried to divert   thought so went back to Silas  thinking of   where   he lived    rave    something   something  that   sound  like unraveling    umm ravioli naaahh    got to get munchies that  reminds me to  eat  something  Raveloe  think that it   umm  time to go    reading the last bit of   Faustus in Birkenhead although still  thinking  were  do i turn to next !

Whenever  I am stressed my blood sugars   rise  and   was   right  they were hitting the  early  twenties  supposed  to be under  10  but that  is in fairy  tale  land with my life !!!!!

Anyhow onto   Faustus  with the so called   Shakespeare  reading  grp we  read  all sorts    but stick with the master   of plays  name as  a  tribute   anyhow the  gist of the  story   Faustus    wants  more and more  and  sells  his soul to the  devil for  to have total power  i have always been intrigued with this  today we had a very small grp of  readers but  was interesing   discussing what  we  would  do with total power for a limited   time  and  what was    better   total power for  a limited time  for years     actually someone   going to   write   an essay on it  !!!!!!! As a   baby  i was prem and  born   very    quickly   with   brain haemorrhage   (  violins out )  but my parents   told no way was  i going to live obviously  i did  but  i often  think  was a deal  done between  me  God and the devil   we will let  her live umm just hope  there is a happy  ending  after  years of  turmoil   maybe  the   devil and   God  will call a truce !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

umm that’s  enough    wondering what will happen  next  but as   u can  see  reading lit helps  maybe just a bit   just  hope it ends   like a   fairy tale  like what I  strongly suspect  Silas  will end like time  will  tell  only on chapter   2  need  to  unstress my feet   where is my  tennis ball

 

Advertisements

About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in aspergers, diabetic, invictus, mental health, poetry, READING. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s