Count your blessings

I think have   told you   before   you that i am the  image  of my mum   but  nothing  like her   just tolerate   her  !!!   she is  of the ilk   that  every day  is a blessing    and    seems  to live life  full of   Gratitude   for each day .

I   reckon this  is because   she  developed   Addison disease   when pregnat with me and  not p icked up  til  after    i was born   and  could have killed   us both    , i   Have   hear , read  that some  people  who stare   death   in the  face tend   to live  life   with this  lets   do something   good  with out  lives  .

I  am not like this  ,  when  i am really down   i want  to  find  the  DRS  and Nurses   who saved me  and wak them over the  head  !!  my  parents   were  told for  weeks/ months  that things  not looking   good  and when  i did  come  home   from hosi   a nurse said  u do  know    she is  brain  damaged  !!! ,   but   turns out   not  as  bad as what people   predicted   this is   turning  into  a right  sobby   story  but  i am always   interested   in why  myself  and my  mum have gone   through same   experiences  but we   view life  so differently ,

I think  i was  born   fighting  and   to an  extent   still fight today   as   thoughts of  suicide    break through then i would be  at peace  but  people  have told    me   ” what a waste   because   you have been   through  so many   situations  and come  out  from them    speaking  writing   about them  may  help someone   else   ummm that’s  true  fight on Macduff  !!!!!

My mum   loves to say   ” life is     a gift   u should  do something  , I  kinda   think yer a  gift  like   sock at   christmas    although  actually   have got   quite   a fetish  about socks

I  think  I  told you have   been   recently  told got  pure ocd  th is  were  horrific  thoughts   spiral  round and  round like a washing  machine   and people keep  saying  live int  moment  yer   but this is  not good  if it is late  and  have forgotten to  check the   fridge  and run out of milk  !! or even  worse  not checked it and gone sour but  i suppose   if you  have every thing   you need  for the moment  then you have it all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The  past moment  has gone  and the  present moment may never arrive  so live in the now  and   the  awful   images i   have   in my  mind  are   just that   a   picture  so let go   yer  I  get told  this all the time by  various  people but  the images  are to ingrained   and wont go al though  writing   this i am relatively   calm  but really   not a good   idea   to sit    and  write  what ever  comes  out of my brian  next and  need the loo  and a cuppa  !!

I think  i have lost   hope in the   future  as  when got  grumpy head   nothing lasts    people  move on and nothing  changes but   often   think of job   from what i  remember  things  turned out for him in the end  so just  trust and let the  future   unfold ,  ummm Invictus has been with  for  over  18 months   and often say it in my bed     especially this  last week but   do say  it   alot  travelling about  not the  whole poem since   hearing  about the  pure ocd    i am like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no more  leave me  alone   but  I am the master of  my soul  I am the master of  my fate so  carry  on  i say  !!!!

I  have been  told   i am child like as  very spontaneous  and moods   change  a lot like a child  very excitable but   what children have  is a gift   live in  the present   not sure  about this my  youngest  niece is  6 not  7 til   August  but other day  said    shall we  just pretend that  i am 7  i just can’t wait for that  day !!!!!!

OH WELL  this  ends a  very dreary day      the next one should be   happier  I hope  for   your sake as well as mine

Happiness   requires  that  we enjoy   what  we have  not that   have all that  we want !!!!!!!!!!!!!  um theirs  something to think about

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About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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