HUH STILL HERE MY FAVE POEM SO CALLED FRIEND ( turn capitals off ) ha someone made a comment on my face book that it always seems as if yelling my head off on facebook were as i said know capitals just pop up and don’t turn them off !! ha
I HAVE BEEN IN A mood for bit with INVICTUS AS THE OPENING LINE GETS TO ME OUT OF THE NIGHT THAT COVERS ME BLACK AS THE PIT FROM POLE TO POLE UMM TRUE i really liked that bit as kept thinking one day this nightmare be open but the last time saw the ptsd man he reckoned it was also pure ocd and just had to change thought pattern if the thoughts were rushing round my head and not escaping look at a tree !!! ummm don’t think he really understands how difficult this is !!!
Rob says i am a bit like Pandora and her box someone unintentionally opened up the box in my head were the distress of my childhood had been locked and the n contents can never be put back in !! so reckon why Invictus and its opening line is not really helping me as much as it used to BUT keep thinking well not going to get better so would be better to commit suicide as do i want to be fighting like this til the day i die , ummm i have tried to kill myself before and someone saves me but this was along time ago and the pain is to bad !!!! so i am still here tomorrow is another day
I went to see my Gp who took as much interest as my dog when told her what was watching on tv well if u feel really distressed go to the hospital , this was the day before the election so said ” all depends on what happens tomorrow how i will” feel SHE LOOKED BLANK ” WHY WHATS HAPPENING TOMORROW ” AHHH THE ELECTION DONT U KNOW “” FOR SOMEONE WHO IS REALATIVELY POLITICAL THIS WAS A COW PAT IN THE FACE (not shouting capitals just popped up
I thank what ever Gods may be for my unconquerable soul ( I quite like this bit even when suicidal as good line to keep saying to self yer i am still here my soul is unconquerable ( umm well hope so when i get into suicidal mode keep thinking what if something cropped up to save me but was to late !!! umm a while back i saw another man Steve in Liverpool who said if did not work out with me with emdr with the nhs to come back and he is coming to a meeting about mental health so will have to pluck up courage and ask if can help so I have not winced nor cried aloud.my head is bludgeoned but unbowed , i happened to download a copy of invictus on to my kindle thought it might be useful in times of torment but noticed the version said under the bludgeoning of chance were did this come from umm don’t remember this bit of chance my head is bludgeoned not the chance but saying thAT PEOPLE WHO ARE TRAUMATISE IT IS ONLY CHANCE THAT THE TRAUMA IS WITHIN THEM UMMM HAVE TO PUT IT IN MY MEMORY BOX MAYBE !!! BUT BIT OF ME PLEASED GIVES ME SOMETHING TO PLAY A ROUND WITH !!! OH WELL NEED TO GET SOME MILK SO NO MORE RAMBLING SORRY ABOUT THE CAPITALS I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul deep breaths and carry on ! sigh —————————————