INVICTUS DOWNER

HUH    STILL  HERE  MY   FAVE POEM    SO  CALLED   FRIEND   (  turn   capitals off  )  ha   someone  made  a  comment on my  face book  that it   always  seems as if yelling my  head off  on facebook were as  i said  know  capitals just pop  up and don’t  turn  them off !! ha

I  HAVE  BEEN IN A  mood   for   bit with INVICTUS  AS  THE   OPENING LINE   GETS   TO ME   OUT OF  THE NIGHT  THAT  COVERS    ME  BLACK AS THE PIT FROM  POLE TO POLE  UMM  TRUE   i really liked  that bit as kept   thinking one day   this nightmare   be open but the last  time  saw  the  ptsd  man  he reckoned it   was  also pure  ocd  and just had to   change   thought pattern if  the thoughts  were    rushing  round   my head  and not  escaping   look at  a tree !!!  ummm   don’t think he  really  understands   how   difficult  this is !!!

Rob  says   i am   a bit like  Pandora  and her box  someone unintentionally opened   up the   box in my head  were  the  distress of my  childhood   had been locked  and the  n  contents   can never   be put back in !! so reckon   why   Invictus and its   opening line  is  not really  helping me  as much as it used to BUT keep   thinking   well not going to  get better  so  would  be better   to   commit   suicide   as  do  i want to  be   fighting like  this  til the day i  die ,  ummm i have tried  to kill  myself   before  and someone saves me but    this  was along time ago and  the pain is to   bad  !!!! so   i am still here   tomorrow is another  day

I went  to see  my Gp   who took  as much interest as  my dog  when   told  her   what was  watching on tv  well  if u feel   really distressed   go to the  hospital , this  was the  day before the  election  so  said  ” all  depends  on  what  happens tomorrow   how  i  will” feel   SHE  LOOKED   BLANK  ” WHY  WHATS   HAPPENING   TOMORROW  ” AHHH   THE   ELECTION  DONT U  KNOW   “”   FOR SOMEONE   WHO   IS  REALATIVELY  POLITICAL THIS  WAS  A COW  PAT IN THE  FACE   (not  shouting  capitals    just popped up

I thank what   ever Gods may be   for my unconquerable soul  (  I  quite  like  this  bit  even when  suicidal  as   good  line  to keep saying  to self   yer   i am still  here    my soul is unconquerable  (  umm well hope so  when i get  into  suicidal  mode  keep thinking   what if   something  cropped  up to  save me   but was  to late !!! umm  a while  back  i saw  another man   Steve   in Liverpool  who said  if  did  not  work   out  with me with  emdr  with  the  nhs   to come back and he  is   coming to  a meeting    about mental  health  so    will have    to pluck up courage  and ask  if can   help  so  I have not   winced nor  cried aloud.my head    is  bludgeoned  but unbowed    , i happened to  download a copy of invictus on to  my kindle   thought it  might  be   useful   in times  of torment but noticed    the version said   under  the bludgeoning of chance  were    did  this come  from umm  don’t remember this bit  of  chance  my head is   bludgeoned    not the  chance   but saying  thAT  PEOPLE   WHO ARE  TRAUMATISE     IT IS ONLY CHANCE   THAT THE  TRAUMA   IS  WITHIN THEM  UMMM  HAVE  TO   PUT   IT IN MY MEMORY BOX   MAYBE  !!!  BUT   BIT OF  ME PLEASED   GIVES ME SOMETHING  TO PLAY A ROUND   WITH   !!!  OH WELL    NEED   TO GET  SOME MILK   SO NO MORE   RAMBLING  SORRY  ABOUT THE  CAPITALS    I  am the master of my fate  I   am the  captain of my soul   deep breaths  and  carry on    ! sigh —————————————

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About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in emdr, invictus, mental health, poetry, ptsd, pureocd, stress ptsd nhs, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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