inner hope / critc

i am really   not having a  good time   despite   saying  my poem invictus  but    really   not sure    if it is   losing  its power   over me  as  the  ptsd   treatment is over   although  we   only  had few  sessions of  emdr     and not  kidding   with  my  traumatized  life     need    a lot more   than  that  but that  is how the  NHS  works   you have so many sessions and supposed  to be  better  !!!

getting  a   bit fed  up with people  saying   live   with  it  just like i do   being  diabetic   /  autistic  but  having  ptsd and  this  new   things  pure  ocd   perhaps a  step to    far but still  less of the   pity  party  !!!

I just   find it    difficult   to be online   but think  i have to    listen  to my subconscious  and when  opportunities   arise     don’t   change  channels  .

I went   to meet my  friend    dave    from      the  shared   reading grp  for    something  to eat  and a  general  chat up   and   as  he said    you always   seem  to be   with it   but  i said  no  I am   not  i am hanging on  he told me   if   i was  suicidal   to ring the  Samaritans but   nought  against   the  service   i dont   find that helps !!!!  although   have only   rung them once   in my life so  maybe   another   go    could  be  an idea   but  talking  as  i  keep  saying  does    nothing      got to live in the present but  i am  screaming sometimes   out loud  in the middle of   Liverpool     die  die  meaning  me or   people   who have   destroyed   my life   but  some people who  have caused  me such distress  where   not perhaps   aware   how not   listening to me has well or truly  annoyed me !!!

The  only  way is up say   people    when  hearing of  distress  but   just going a   millimetres up is not enough !!

I had   a nice time  in the beautiful  calderstones  park  not  to  busy   i avoid it   in the  school holidays   crowds   and   wandered   back  into  liverpool  where i met   another    friend  from ages  back    with the   reader  again portia    she used  to  come  to the  Shakespeare   shared   reading  but has alot of  health probs   and   does not come  but she   greeted  me with   such enthusium  YEY LOUIE   all over  bold  street   and  was  really made up to meet  me  great  great  come   with me louie  and off  we went to  a  health  place for women were their was  a  course   going on  for people with  depression  and  explained my various  health  probs   and was  amazed    relieved   when    2  people   told  me  that they  had heard  of pure  ocd  and  knew  people   who had this   and recommended   various  health   courses   here    wow  !!!  must admit    coming  home felt    i was  supposed  to meet   and portia and  here  was  these   opportunities    which might  help get   rid of the  negative   noise in my head  , i do   believe in fate   , i  was   coming out of a  fave  book  store  when bumped  into her    few  seconds   either   way  we  would not have  met and although   did know of this centre  it does make a difference  being   told come on lets go

I get  very   exhausted    just  being   people  for long  periods although   some   times   i am ok   depending on  what  people are like  and  not   going   lets   do this    and that and this   i sometimes   spend a lot of time watching   political progs  on tv which  can annoy  my parents   but  i am  reserving  my energy   for  when opportunities   arise   and  as   they say   recharging   batteries   so  do have   energy    to  take part   in things when the opps arrive  so perhaps     should really    focus  on the  good  not bad  and not   listen  to much to inner  critic   but  to   conscience   ha   deep breaths  and  carry  on I  am the master of my fate  i am the master of my soul



About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in aspergers, emdr, invictus, mental health, mindful, ptsd, pureocd, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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