i am really not having a good time despite saying my poem invictus but really not sure if it is losing its power over me as the ptsd treatment is over although we only had few sessions of emdr and not kidding with my traumatized life need a lot more than that but that is how the NHS works you have so many sessions and supposed to be better !!!
getting a bit fed up with people saying live with it just like i do being diabetic / autistic but having ptsd and this new things pure ocd perhaps a step to far but still less of the pity party !!!
I just find it difficult to be online but think i have to listen to my subconscious and when opportunities arise don’t change channels .
I went to meet my friend dave from the shared reading grp for something to eat and a general chat up and as he said you always seem to be with it but i said no I am not i am hanging on he told me if i was suicidal to ring the Samaritans but nought against the service i dont find that helps !!!! although have only rung them once in my life so maybe another go could be an idea but talking as i keep saying does nothing got to live in the present but i am screaming sometimes out loud in the middle of Liverpool die die meaning me or people who have destroyed my life but some people who have caused me such distress where not perhaps aware how not listening to me has well or truly annoyed me !!!
The only way is up say people when hearing of distress but just going a millimetres up is not enough !!
I had a nice time in the beautiful calderstones park not to busy i avoid it in the school holidays crowds and wandered back into liverpool where i met another friend from ages back with the reader again portia she used to come to the Shakespeare shared reading but has alot of health probs and does not come but she greeted me with such enthusium YEY LOUIE all over bold street and was really made up to meet me great great come with me louie and off we went to a health place for women were their was a course going on for people with depression and explained my various health probs and was amazed relieved when 2 people told me that they had heard of pure ocd and knew people who had this and recommended various health courses here wow !!! must admit coming home felt i was supposed to meet and portia and here was these opportunities which might help get rid of the negative noise in my head , i do believe in fate , i was coming out of a fave book store when bumped into her few seconds either way we would not have met and although did know of this centre it does make a difference being told come on lets go
I get very exhausted just being people for long periods although some times i am ok depending on what people are like and not going lets do this and that and this i sometimes spend a lot of time watching political progs on tv which can annoy my parents but i am reserving my energy for when opportunities arise and as they say recharging batteries so do have energy to take part in things when the opps arrive so perhaps should really focus on the good not bad and not listen to much to inner critic but to conscience ha deep breaths and carry on I am the master of my fate i am the master of my soul