Invictus still about !!!!

Out of the  night   that cover  me  black as the   pit  from  pole    to pole  .

I   thank whatever  gods  may be   for  my unconquerable soul .

yer  still here    Invictus   mates  for  life although have  odd   squabble   as all  mates do  ,     things    seem to be moving    again for me   and surely  one  day    i will   get  a good   set of    cards  to play with   and  wow  will i play them

MY gp and other   various   mental  health  people    reckon although     deffo  got   asperger  it  is   not the major problem   really    it looks more   and more   deffo  that is

deffo  pure   ocd  which has been  sparked   off  mainly by  traumatic   life    experiences     cool  well  not cool  at all  but   u have  got   to know   what  you are  actually  fighting  so to speak.

I  actually  don’t   remember     being at peace  for a  full  24  hrs   but  one day that is my dream  to  be just  at peace   with the world and my self    and out    of the   black   pit   woah !!!!!     keep  wanting to  say   black  night    kind  of means the  same  !!

i  often   think got  my life    figured out  and  yep the  past is  no longer   torturing  me  , but wham bam a massive    tidal wave  comes   and knocks   you over  and    you  are  flat on yr     face  but   although   you are  on the  floor and  you think  hey  ho    just going  to  lie   here   for  ever     their  actually  comes   up  a point when you  have to  get up   again  bit  like   getting out of  bed  and  its  freezing    so yer    my un conquerable   soul  is back

!      In the   fell clutch  of  circumstance  i have not  winced  or  cried   aloud   my head is   bludgeoned   but unbowed   (  this   bit   not   true still but  if   you     don’t   open     your mouth  and    have   total  hysterics   no one   blinks an eye lid   )  strange     saying  that  !!!  but  still  i know what  i mean !!!!!!

I had  buried     various   traumatic   events   in my child  hood  away   think they  call it   disassociated    or   something  just   put  away  in  box  for  Pandora   to come and open  hell and double hell  which  has  sparked  off the  pure ocd  and  the   evil  thoughts      in  the   washing machine of my brain    I believe    some people    say this is  like the  cancer of the psychiatric   world   bit  strong    you may   be thinking     but have my brain  for   a week and  would   give   you a 100%   guarantee    that    you would be  totally suicidal as not kidding  it affects all  of your life  and makes    even the  smallest  problem   such as i often  mislay a  library book and   I  get so  wound   up about  it     so  that   the lost  library    book  becomes  i  will be    banned  from  the library for  ever and  i wont   be  able  to  read   their   books  and  what  will  i do   the   end is  neigh    noooooh  but   their  i go just magnifying    every problem to    the   size of  stuff  in  Gulliver’s    travel s !!

Beneath   this place of  wrath  and tears  lies the horror  of the  shade  and yet the  menace of   the  years   will  find me  and   find me  unafraid  ,.   umm still   kinda   confused by this the  horror  of the  shade    bits of me  hopes  that if  i ever  become   well  I   will  be   just  so  overwhelmed  that i   just     be not sure   what    to   with myself or  my emotions like a kid   before   christmas        day !!!

i have  been   told    the  way i react well over  react   is a    reaction  to   ptsd   but   that  just amuses   me cos   not   normal  at all   i am just on another  universe   to the  rest of   you !!!        I don’t    know  what i  would do  if   i had  a normal   brain for a  day  prob    nothing  exciting  as  would be overwhelmed

i   am to   tired  and  emotional    to do the  last    little  bit  so   just got to remember

 

I am the  master  of my fate   I am the    captain  of my soul   and  what  other  people    do to me   to mess  that up is  NOT  MY FAULT  SO THEIR  U GO

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About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in invictus, mental health, poetry, ptsd, pureocd, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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