MY HEAD IS  WHIRLING   yesterday  i wen to my local   hospital  to see  a  psychiatrist   that  saw    yeons   ago    when  i was  self  harming   and   was totally  depressed   but   despite     changing  my  life    kind   around i  am always   thinking     there  is more to this then meets the  eye !!!!!

I was  going to see her  mainly   cos   cant  get   horrific thoughts  about   incidents     out of my head    which   is   again making  me suicidal  thinking  “am  I   going to  be   like  this for  ever   please   kill me  now !!!!

I  know   i am aspergic   but people  have  often made   the  comment   that i am ultra  lively and     get  over excited  bounce  around   this  tends  to  be  with people   i like   and know well     which although    at time   i am ultra  shy and  withdrawn  , i think   i am a person of extemes  !!!

Two  people    could be   discussing me    and    one maysay  ultra   quiet     says  nothing     by self  alot whilst   another  would  say     she comes   bouncing  in   hia  and yaps   constantly    interrupts   people  when speaking  and is  a live wire  so  yesterday     after   discussing    various things   was  kinda  s surprised   but  not   really    when   said   ” i strongly   suspect  got some form  of  adhd  /add    but   100%  sure        need    you to  some tests    and come back  ummmm  yer !

I was   bit  gobsmakced   NAHHHHHH  not   hyperactive   attention   deficit   thingy   i have  read   Shakespeare  and  middleman !!1 noooooooh  but then  she  said  ”  yer but   u are also   aspergic   and reading and words   are   yr  thing and  that  what   u like to  do  and then   thought   umm   I read  in a strange      way  everything    but also  jump     from a  biography to   a self help  to a   Victorian classic  but their  is a difference    between    me  reading    at home   to   the    shared   reading  grps   i am still  with  them  , well  realtively but at home    i move  about alot    !!!!! so yer  perhaps their is something   in their !!!!

i WENT TO SEE A  DIABETIC   NURSE    AFTER  THIS  ASKING   HER  BLUNTLY  WHAT SHE THOUGHT    and she    said   being  brutally  honest  s he thought   was more   add    then  aspergic as  she  says  ” you  bound in and     moving about  all the time  but seen   you with   other people  and   completely  different   so   yer    maybe    you change   but then  said     you’re   still  u   and thats  all that matters  !!!

i think last night   i thought  more  and more  abt this   thinking  yey  as i walked   round   and round in  circles        for what seemed  hrs   no wonder  skinny !!!!!

i had the    radio  at the   same time  and a song   came   on I liked  so danced    around  like a  mad   man  well lady    at the    end of my dancing  went oh yer    adhd  !!!!

I actually  am not  that  bothered  as if u   know   what something is you  can  learn   how to   control  it   to and extent  but    if i end  up on a ritalin   wld not be happy  if   took my  creativity  away   as  thats   what  i like   head   buzzing  with ideas   oh well  such is life    and   greatest   gift   you  can  have  with a  brain  that  is  out of  sync is a sense of  humor and   ability   to laugh   at ones  self  !!!!!  and  who wants   to change that    yey     Invitus     u  were  right

out  of the  night  that  covers me  black as the  pit   from  pole to  pole   I  thank whatever gods   may be   for my unconquerable   soul   yer    getting   to  the   top and bottom of  it   taking  a lifetime  but    wow   what a journey   now were   have  i put   war and peace !!!


About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
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