finding who you really are

not  written  for  awhile but  just  been   in  another    zone   been looking  after  my  youngest    niece   aged   6   well  7  in 8   days   she says      lets  be   7   and  my  intrusive thoughts   are   chronic    . last  week for   2   a couple of days  i was      very hyper  and  bopping  about   yer  u cld  say hyperactive  but     it was better   than thoughts  in head !!!

I am still waiting   for the  forms   to   fill in to see if deffo  got  a   form of adhd   and after   getting over the shock yer  i reckon   i do have it  but not   going to  get involved   with  anything   til  100%   and more   certain !!

I  think it   takes   a lifetime  to get   to know   who u  are   really  niece  in middle  is 15  and works   part time  in a  hotel and has  had  work experience  in a school  but ask her   what  she  sees   her self  doing   she has not a  clue .

Most people  have  roles in life  job family  this is  what  defines them not   them selves   they are   a mother  of Joe  and married  to  billy   but i am myself  as    do not have these   thing    not  that  i am   that   bothered  as   in some   ways  i like  to be   just known  for being me although   voluntary    stuff  for the  reader  which i enjoy  as   kinda   gives me  a sort of   role   in life . i often  think people  who have  the   so called  happy  family   live their   lives  through their  children   a neighbour   of mine  has   ultra  talented   children   and will tell   you all the   triumphs  but   i will  say    but thats  them   not  you  what    have  you  been doing    with  your  own life !!!!     they are  slightly lost  at  the mo  as  both  children   settled    down  south and its  just hubby and  wife  !!

I often worry  about  people whose  marriage   means the partnership is so strong  that  they never do  hardly anything  apart   they  are like  bookends  but    if   one   bookend  goes   think the  whole  book    shelf  will collapse    so  try to  remember there is only one you  so be it  and be  free  to be   yourself and   become  confident .

I think i started    reading  all   from a very   serious   friend who sent   me a text   saying  she   felt    she   was not  progressing  in life  and   felt  not as  mature   as other  people    , i was   like so what   be yourself what is   mature    , i think i am   all sort of  ages  and  act    just  how  i  want to  perhaps   their   is  advantages  to   having  a load of   labels   attached  to  yourself   you learn to  be  you and   if people dont  like it  tough   .  I  always    hated    going    back to  school and  a teacher  would  say   ”  you are    8   now     we  dont    behave   like  we  did  in year   2    when it   was only  6 weeks    ago  in year    two !!!!!

I  keep meaning   to dabble  more  in mindfulness   but  not  getting  very far     tend  to do  it  a t night    as   find  it so   difficult to    switch  off  that  when  invictus   comes  and pays me  a  visit alot as    can play   about  with the  words   what   was   that   word  ahh  looms the  shade  , actually     in a way    hope got   some   form  of  adhd   as it wld  put   the jigsaw    totally  together   to get  me normal  so to  speak   actually  don’t like    that   statement   I find  people  who are   kinda  normal ultra  serious   and  very  little  humour  !!!

I always   think shld  listen to yr  body  it goes  together  with   your  mind if  body  is not well affects the mind  and vice  versa  just    given my self a load  more  insulin as  had  this  sickness  stomach  ache      and after   drinking      gallons   of tea    thought   best check it out  and yer   high    as   kite      think   cos   been  in a  strop  for  ages   it  affected   my blood  sugar .

I used to  run for     relatively   long  distance   was happier   doing my own thing then in an  athletic   club  but  again  it   was  important  to listen to  body  can never   remember  if  you shld carry on running   when    got a  pain or   run through the pain barrier   with experience   think it    was abit of both  as   was  difficult  to get  back into   a rhythm if   stopped  but then again  in a park and running    about   for   fun best    to  listen to my body and stop and walk for bit   then  run  your self into the  ground !!

I know it  is cliché   but life is  a journey  i am still putting  the jigsaw   together  in my life   always  think it is a bit strange   when   you  are 18 and become  an adult as if   you know   all abt life  i think   you continue learning   til     pop off  to where ever !  so   important   to be curious   about   yourself    what makes   you happy  angry  which tends   to come   from  a  need  not met   or in my  case   not being  listened to  .  I  suppose    their   is so many paths   that you can travel   makes  life overwhelming   especially   everyone   on the planet  has   same entrance and   exit   !!!!

who knows   what will happen  in the  future    fIor  anyone    i just   hope   they   one day   get totally   the  full picture   why  is  my mind so mixed up  !!!!  (  who wants   a boring  life )  . I  am the  master of  my fate     I  am the    captain of my soul  or  is it the other   way round ha   who cares



About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in adhd, aspergers, happiness, invictus, mental health, spirtuality, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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