try to look at the ups and overlook downs

well   I think the   saying is      no-one  ever    said it  was going  to be   easy  and    yer   in my case  that is deffo  true   ( get the   violins out )   but their  is upsides    to having aspergers   looking   highly  likely some  form   or  adhd    pure ocd    also   highly  likely  and God knows    what  else      do   feel  like    saying   no more    please    pick on someone   else now !!!

But   the other   day    i was   talking   to my diabetic   nurse     most  people   have   1   i have    about  3/4    and they pass me   round the   Wirral  like some   sort of parcel   i am ok in short doses !!!  anyhow  the   nurse   said    to me u   should be  proud  of yourself     try  looking  at the   good points    cos   we  are  all  unique   but    you appear more unique  then the  average      so after  a lot of thought    here is  the  upsides of  my life !!!

A.   My mind is   pretty   quick  and bulging over  with ideas   of  what do   and  where   to go  so      do  not really  understand the   strange  concept  of   BOREDOM    whats  that !!!!!

B well actually the   fact i am never bored    can be number  two  maybe   cos    this may be   more difficult  of things  that   are good  then   thought  (  ahhh   need  positive  thoughts )

C   have   strange   sense of hearing   and feelings of   things  or people around me  so    i would  say   very unlikely  that   some one will   jump up on   although  do have   a horrible   habit   of  screeching   all over the   place  if  someone   DOES    APPEAR   WITH   NO PRIOR    WARNING   ( YAHHHHHH)

d    I AM  VERY CREATIVE  WHICH IS VERY    COMMON  WITH    people   on asd  add    wotever    spectrums !!!

E     I not   only   joined the   line  of humour    i joined it    numerous  times just to   be sure  the   greatest    gift is able  to live   at  myself !!!

F   I have   a good   memory    for   dates and  times  so rarely forget  a  birthday g although   u   r lucky    if get   a card  as   just  tend to think of  you  !!!!

g  i often   see things    no- one      else  can see   this   can be good    for looking     for loopholes   in situations  or  something  good out   of  something  bad !!!!

H    Although the powers that    be    reckon   have no  empathy  this is   not  true  I do send   grapes  to the  hosi  if  ill !!!!!!! ummm    getting a  headache  so leaving it there   oh  yeah another   good  point    I  am   very honest   in fact some people  say to   honest    ha  !!!!

I am the   master  of my  fate   I am the   captain of  my soul

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Teething hell

Not blogged     for ages   for reasons  that   will  become   MORE    OBVIOUS  AS i write  and u read !!!

I have had   trouble   with my  teeth for years    for about 15  years when the ptsd   ocd   whatever they think it is  and    began all of a sudden  to clenching  teeth and  wanting to  bite various  hard objects which  obviously  causes an  awful  lot of problems ouch ouch !!! i dream   that if  they sort   my health probs  in just over   10   days   find out  hopefully what    exactly the  prob is   (  everything is crossed  !)

Anyhow the other   day went  to  tescos    wow    as they  have    book  swap their   great stuff and  slight   teeth ache so  got   painkillers   wow and came home    blood sugars   raising   and   soon despite   increasing insulin was soon being   sick but recovered  the  next day although  tooth was in agony did  not  know   really what  to do so left   it  big mistake !!!!  as   after another  night  of sickness my dad   took me to the local hosi  were  they diagnosed  as abscess and   was dripped up and    after  a very long wait was on a ward  and 24hrs later    relatively  well and  few  days later  home   at hone waiting  for dentist app  so  that  why no words of   wisdom   as i am also  shattered  and   got a slight shortage of     vit d  just  blame the  miserable  summer !!!

oh well   count  to 10   and carry  on out of the  night that   covers   me    black as the pit from pole  to pole !!

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socks socks socks and adhd

I still  have the  forms full of  questions to see if adhd   but have not  filled   them yet  plenty of time    she   says !!!!!

I have   been reading  loads   on the  condition and  am pretty  convinced  got  yet a neurological  condition  to add  to my bow !!!

Their   is alot of misconceptions abut  the   conditon  and must admit    thought  it  was people   who   can’t  still sor have    visions of  children   rushing around   but  amusing   it    is  more to do   with not being organised   and  yes   i do   have  piles of    socks   but    I   tend to keep  hold of them  in the  hope that   it will  find   aloving   partner   and  have been known   to spend   hrs     scattering them all over the  place   trying to pair  them  up.

I  will often make a  cup and  forget   were  put  it  so   make  another one   only to  find   the  cold   cup    of tea  hrs later ,   I will  go   to the   fridge  and  just   stare  inside    what   did  i want   and just go blank  looking to see  what is  inside   it or  various  cupboards   just like  looking   but  cant   remember   what  looking for .

IT  is my uncles   birthday on  monday but    will prob  arrive late   as       could  have   easily   got  a  stamp today  but  involved   things  i have   found out that they have  a  bookswap    in the local   Tesco  so  would  not   wait another  day  took   a few  books finished with and   came  back with a  few more  with a donation to charity  so come   good   come from my   ramblings.

I find   Christmas     extremely   stressful with the  amount of   cards to  send as  worry    my head  if  dont  give people i care   about  a card   but    always  handy to     have new year   cards  in   does  not everyone   yer prob   but     Christmas   can soon turn  into  EASTER!!! IN MY CASE

i HAVE  SOMETIMES       ABSENTLY MINDLESSLY   PUT A CROSSIENT   FOR    15 MINS     IN  STEAD OF   15 SECS     AND THE  ALARMS  AND SMOKE  BILLOWING   ABOUT      WAKES  ME  UP   AND THE  NEIGHBOURS

YER   ADD  IS DEFFO  BEING ME PERMANENTLY   DISTRACTED !!!!! ALTHOUGH NOT SURE ABOUT  THE  HYPER  BIT  BUT    AM VERY  LIVELY AND BOUNCY AT TIMES  !! AND THEN  REALLY  QUIET   AHH WELL    FIGHT ON  THINK   I CAN CUT MYSELF   IN THE MIDDLE BETWEEN  ASPIE AND  ADHD  !!!!   WOT EVER

OH WELL    i AM THE  MASTER  OF MY  FATE   I AM THE  CAPTAIN  OF MY SOUL

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just thoughts

I am still  waiting  for   my forms to be analysed  by a professional  to see  for certain  w  why  i have these  awful   swear  swear   thoughts in head and  she seems likely t have adhd add what ever  i am not upset  by all this  as i  hope they   can find  why  i am  like this  so  something  can be done  you can fight if  u know what   your opponent  is  if  you know   yr    football  team is playing  Chelsea   man u   you   know  need to put  more  effort  in and  different   tactics   then playing Tranmere  Rovers  !!

I came across this   abit ago   the  only poem i really   rely  on is  Invictus but other  thoughts  poetry   does  help   be  it only   briefly  or i lose  the  scrap of paper  it was on   so putting it here  may help !!!

Our  thoughts   create  our   future

 

concieve  it    believe it  achieve it

explore    dream discover

We have the inate ability  to become  all that  we  dream

We can create  the   future  it is  not hard   as it can seem

To become    who you aspire to be  to make your dreams  come true

Think of good  it will do

claim  what  isn’t at it where  til it becomes

we  can all be what we  want to be  see  it and it will be done

umm it kinda   helps  and gives   hope which is  what i cling onto    but  as stated   before   not as powerful  as Invictus  but then nought is  !!!  but i hope that  one day they can sort  the  growing  number  of disorders in my brain /mind    what ever it  is  my dream   at the  moment  is  just to  have  one  day  or even  two with out  ********* in my head  !!!

Yes   our thoughts  do create our future  but  not if   you cant control them and  all of a sudden*******  ******  constantly but i  have  a  belief  that  one  day  it will be sorted  and  I will be  able to live the life  i was supposed to or meant to but  i dream  of one day  being  well  cos  I would /will  never forget  the night  that  covers me   !!!

I am the master of my   fate  I am the  captain of my soul!!!

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keeping up with the Joneses

It is hard  to  believe  how much life  has changed in the   last  few  decades      it is  hard for the majority of   teenagers  and younger to   realise  life  with out  the  internet .

although my    dad  who is in mid  70s    can remember   getting   the  first   tv  with  massive   aerial which is   dad had to twiddle  about   while   watching   an fa cup match  not   at all like today   were  their  is gadgets  were   u can watch  tv  and numerous   channels   and   most of   the  time my mum  watches   Welsh tv  and various   dramas    and   my dad is   glued to  his detectives   and sport .

It was deffo  more  of    a  family affair with all watching the  same programme   but not  sure  how we   would  cope today  with this and who would  have hold of the   remote

I  think it   was in the   early 50s  that  the    adverts   began on tv   creating   the  consumer   society   we know  today      making    everyone think  they   needed at least a  semi   with  a drive   for the  car  and   the  magic  2.5   kids  were     .5  of  a person  comes  from  i will never  know  as time   progressed      houses   became   bigger   the   more money  you  had  and of  course   more  space that  u  have  to  fill with  what    was  advertised  on tv  which  goes along  with the  mentality  BUY  BUY  BUY     OR   BUY MORE    BUY OFTEN  AND   BUY BETTER   BUT IF  u follow these    rules   u will   never  succeed and   be happy as   something    better  always  comes along  and  u just have to   keep with the  Joneses.

My dad    grew up with out a bathroom   and remembers    all  having   a  bath in atub  my mum  says   remembers   being  the   first with  a bathroom in the   village llan in wales  it was  such a big   thing   apparantly to have a bath but these days    their is  2  sinks  Y and   the  bathrooms in some places  are  like  massive   ballrooms   and  just   wow   factor   or with  a kitcken / bathrooom /    mixer   taps   and  the    surfaces  of houses   always  changed i  vaguely remember  going to  places   were  there  was no wall to wall   carpets   but today   it is  laminate  and then  realise   cold back to   fluffy  carpets  but   then splodges of wine    so   change it  again  mainly cos  the  advertising   people  say to

I must  admit to  having a  fetish   for  reading  writing  stuff   so tend to  fill  space with   books etc  but appliances  rooms   just want or need the  basics  i moved into   a flat once  very quickly  and  furnished   it with other people s  castoffs    so  to speak well   put it  this way     i am   relatively   slim   but someone  gave me a  bed   and  it callopsed   oh well   never had the   bottle   to  tell the person  either  (  bit late  now as   gone to  the  bed in the   sky ).

I wonder  what  will the  future  will  bring    and   what   would   our  ancestors    think if   brought  back   to our gadget   filled lives   today   .

Sadly   i think a  few  things  do not   change  their   are  still   some people   who not in their   wildest   dreams   have a bathroom  or  the  basic   indoor plumbing   that   the  so called  western  world    take for   granted  or even   water  to drink let alone   cook with .

I suppose   we can vote   for  change with our  so-called   dosh  and  as  a certain  supermarket   says    every little  helps   so make it  chic  to go green  although must admit   i am not good  at  doing this as  if on a  limited   income   cost   of  going   green  does not  come cheep  but more  and more     adverts  are  thinking   this  and about the  carbon footprint   I suppose    you  just have  to do yr  best and  buy  sensibly    as  someone or other   said “what   good a house   if not  got  a decent planet   to put it on ”      i have    no need   to really play the  consumerism  game well ok  I  do a bit as   you any  have   guessed  My  SURNAME IS  JONES !!!!!!!

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coming out of the pit Invictus

I have not forgotten  my  fave poem just been  ultra busy with  family dos   and    birthdays   which   causes  me    quite  abit of upset    as   i dont like things happening    all the    time  i like big  gaps  this is  why i dont  like Christmas  as    everything  seems  to  be happening  in that   month and   then its blank !!! noooh

Anyhow  I have been thinking   alot  abt the   first  verse   of Invictus  as    actually hoping   that   the mystery of  what is actually   wrong with my brain  and  have  been  given forms to fill out   to see   if  got ADHD or some form   of it   the  Dr thinks   deffo    ADD and prob  a  rare  form of  ocd   to do with thoughts  in my head    , so  yes  when   i   read or    try and remember   the   first  verse  of  Invictus  i Kinda   go yer this  is it  at long long  last   although the majority of people   i know  call me LOU  or  louby    obviously  my name  Louise    actually means  warrior   and  yer  it goes     as not  kidding   been  one hell  of    war / fight   battle   but will win

Out of the   night  that  covers  me   black as the  pit from pole  to pole

I thank whatever   gods maybe   for my  uncon querable   soul

In the   fell clutch  of circumstance   I have  not winced or  cried  aloud

under the   bludgeoning  of chance  my head is  bloody  but unbowed

BEYOUND    this place of  wrath  and tears looms but the   horror of the    shade were  the menace  of the  years  will  find  me and find me  unafraid

blah  (   cant  remember   that bit   not   good   to be  to   perfect  but    willl get it   but   most importantly

I am the master of my fate   I am the   captain of my soul    !!!!!  yer  will get  their and  be  run over   by a  BUS  HA   OH WELL  LIFE IS   NOTHING   BUT A CHALLENGE

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Seasons change just like moods !!

It is now the  middle of  August   more or less   but     really  not been a  good summer  well  it   never is   although   when as  kid     don’t remember all  this wetness    and gloom/ doom  but may be looking  through  rose tinted    glasses  !!

I was  thinking   today of  how   you   don’t   really know  were you  are  with the  season go out  in a  t shirt  as it  seems   hot   but   very  soon   i am  diving into  a shop to  get  cheepish   jumper  as    was  living  in the hope  that  the   good  weather   would   stay all  day !!

My moods    are  like the  ever changing mood    I really can’t   think  when  i  have   been  happy   like the  sun  shining    but    even   then  probably become  to hyper  (adhd? add    what ever the  label  is of the moment  just like the  weather  forecasts  doom  and  gloom   if we   actually  get  good  weather  for more that    2 week s

I actually   quite  like the  Autumn and  the   musty  smell  although    always   worry   it    may get  to cold and  living  in a flat  that is  hard to   heat  =  nightmare  !!!

Winter   is   thought  of  with  gloom but   can get    crisp  cold days   but   nothing  worse than  fingers   gone   white  with cold and  can’t  turn  key  to get  into  flat  !!!

Moods   can be likened  to  seasons   winter =  never going  to be   well  , SPRING  =  things  looking up   can only get  better    summer  yey   going  to be   fantastic   right  through  WRONG   oh yer   Autumn   just  feeling   bit  frightened   what   cld  be  ahead   not sure   anxiety    racing .

I   suppose   at the   moment  i am   edging  cautiously   towards   spring   in a strange    way hoping  that   i am diagnosed   with    some    form of add  a then i  can   do something  about     can’t   do  much   if   u  don’t   know    were the  leak is   coming   from    if  get  puddles  on the  floor   so to speak  and  maybe all  will  be hunky dory  !!!!! and the    football  team down the  rd    TRANMERE    WILL   WIN THE   PREMIER  LEAGUE     BUT    we   can all  hope !!!

I suppose   most  people  wld   say spring  is their   fave  season   cos   it    represents  hope  and you  generally feel  fresher   lighter    especially as   all the  heavy   clothes    comes  off   but   as my  Nain   used  to say   never  cast  a cloud   til may is  out       you just don’t  know  what is   going to happen    just like mental health  I never   really    know  what  person   will be  throughout the  day a  real  Jekel and hyde  person!!!

life   seems  more   colourful  in the  spring  and the   flowers  begin to bloom and  of course  the   daffodils    start  to  sway  and   it wont   be long    before   u  hear  the  infamous    daffodil  poem by Wordsworth    and  think we are here  again   spring  the  sleep  of  hibernation is over and we  are    springing into life  the   sun  is shining    birds are  singing  and  we are urged to seize the daY

BEWARE  though spring is like  my mental  health   when i think   well  i have managed   to sort that out    no more   problems     going to   have   a  good time   now  all fixed   but  wham no longer      do  i get used  to one   syndrome  illness   disorder  got used to  being   aspergic  diabetic   lets    try    stomach  heart  adhd pavola   it is never  ending   but     hope  is what  i have    like  spring  one day  they will sort   everything out and  i will  have the   summer   everyone  talks of   1976    but even that   had it    downer  apparently  swarms of  ladybirds .

the   seasons   are  all in the  mind  spring  summer     autumn    winter  and  you   really  cant be   sure  what  season it will be  tomorrow   just  like  living  with   various  health   conditions  oh well at least    it is  interesting    and   up   to me   what i do   for i am the   master of  my soul  I am the   captain  of my fate !!!

Came across   a quote the other  day   by   someone  Henry miller    not sure    who he is who   cares !!!!    The aim of life is  to live and to  live means to  be aware  joyously divinely aware   !!!   yer  stop   and smell the  roses

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