home sweet home !

I adore   my home  not  that it is anything  special but  i am happy   here  and feel  I have it all here beaches  town   city country   well no  mountains  but they are only a stone   throw away or bit more

I find  holidays distressing  as in  I don’t know  really were  i am and plainly dont  relax as  i am not   to sure  what we will be doing and  i can feel  the panic rising   within me !!!

When I was younger  the  first  thing I wld   do when i went  on holiday to  a new place  was  get a  guide  book and follow it incessantly to the letter  which made me  feel  safe and  secure   and yes  even happy !!  although i would   much rather   be  at   home and   just go  out for a day

IT is a  dream to  find a sacred place

it is a place you  can never replace  A sacred place  is  where you can never misplace

Home is  a sigh  when u come in and   the stress  leaves  your body and u  just know u are at home  !

A  secret place were only   you know  where   you walk in  and just  feel embrace

A  secret  place    were   you felt something   called  peace    or even some strange    grace

A common place   were you joined  the  human race

A common place  were  you joined the populace  you can  never  beat it

your  home and birthplace !!!!  and that’s  where I am staying !!!!!!!


Posted in aspergers, childhood, emotions, happy, introvert, mental health, poetry, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

our day out !!!!

Yesterday  was     TRAC   community  trip  day out    TRAC  stands for  TRANMERE residents    AND  COMMUNITY    (  YEP THE      same  Tran mere that has just won promotion  to the football league  after  falling out of  it two years ago )

I found  TRAC  awhile back   due  to my love  of reading notices  and  saw  a  luuch club   and  how to eat well courses  in   a community flat . I went along  and enjoyed  it so invited my mum  who in turn invited a load  more people  it actually  got to  busy  to me  a smallish  room jam packed with people  but  continued to pop  head  now  and  then   as   great value with   various   theatre  trips or  days out   subsided  bu and   a  sandwich   soup  and a cake  raffle for   2  quid  !!!!

So wld  not say  was a  regular  attender  but went often  enough to  qualify for the trips  out     always  reminded  me of  Sunday  school were  u cld  not  just  turn  up the  week before  the   yearly trip out to   Southport!  but i was told   was room on   coach for me  to a trip to    a  sculpture    park  near Oswestry so yer   might as  well go  along  even just for the   ride !!!

I was  not that impressed  with having  to pick up a  certain so called friend  as   going out of the   way and   traffic   at the  worst before 9.30 ish  and  mum  makes the  mistake  of always  saying  ”  fine we   will pick u up  when  A  mum  no longer drives and  hasn’t asked my dad if  he would leading  to a big   row   i will   ring  her  and say no then  putting  us all underpressure   , I am all for    people  making their own  way to things  without involving others !!  but  thats  me !!!

I noticed   a friend  was missing  when went  in to the  centre  which was  a  full of  yukity

noise  but not  noticed  their  was  no  ANN who  adores   trips    i am quite  sure she wld go on a trip  if went round the  block  but still had not  for a min  thought  that she  would  not becoming  as had an accident  going to the  garage  to get  food  out  of the   freezer  lots of people   keep   freezers in garage  and gone to the  hosi and looked as  if  done ribs in   well from  experience   of   broken  ribs  YEP they cant  do nought just rest  !!! and try  not  to laugh !!! ouch    I  remember it well   low blood sugar hypo  and fell  on kitchen   floor  and  another  time  confronation with a bin ( that  all i am  writing on that )

Anyhow   we   were on merry  way and  had the  misfortune  to sit  oppostite the coah comic   he turns   every   event in to  a comic show  and  loves  to  make  the last  remark on  what ever the  subject may be   which can be annoying   but no matter just ignoring  him  does  help and  a book in  hand !!!!! ( trying to  finish ) this  can  work   sometimes but  not always !!

We  arrived  at Oswestry and  dropped off by market  i made  a  quick get   away so  could  rumble  through  a few  charity  shops and  maybe  get a few book   bargains  and  and enjoyed it  hate   going  round in a  gang round    shops  that  hold  no interest  to me  i have no  interest in  craft  shop when In  Birkenhead  what makes   me  think  i have  become a seamstress  when  away from  the  wirral????

I met a few   friends who  had  picked  up few  bargains   but my mum  had  pulled  the short   straw  and  was  stuck with P  who  just   wanted to look at frames and  is not  a bargain  hunter  like  myself  / Oswestry was  a  very nice  town mixture of  old and  new  with   a few  interesting  health shops  i am sorely  tempted  to  start  taking    wait   for it   Cbd  oil   yer   wacky backy   supposedly   very good for  the   Asd  adhd   what ever  the letter   may be    lets  just  say sorely  tempted  but  maybe  luck was in   as the person in health shop  was on the  phone and still stuck on the phone  when  went back  ages  later   and when  i saw   it   being sold for  40  quid   thought    i will  investigate  bit more . I  have heard it does wonders but  i am going   to   ask  few  more people what  they  think  just picture the  face of my  diabetic people   ”  what   your   view on ca  oh well

Next stop  was   the sculpture    farm  i   did  not want  to  go  round  with show off p    so grabbed my mum     shouting  ” lou need the  loo  and we made  the  escape   honestly  think  mum relieved  and just   dawdled  round   few  interesting  sculpture  the most interesting one  being knife man    a huge   construction of  a man made out  of knives  which  had been  handed   in for a knife  amnesty (  one day  i will learn to  put  photos  on and  this page   will be much brighter  )  but til then have  to put up with  writing !!! )
To tell the  truth  we  did  not know  how  we  were    going to spend   the  next couple  of hrs  their  not  that much to see  as it   was a  Friday and most of  the  workers  showing  how to  make  Iron sculptures  were their   Mon to Thursday  typical  so the  only  excitement   of  seeing  a  large  q  for ladies  and none for  the mans   guess which  toilet  i used     with no  bother !!!!!!  although  no one followed  suit   just lots of  jumping up and  down on spot !!!!

we had  seen enough and  went back to  cafe  for   lovely  sausage   roll and   salad    that  nice  brought  my dad one back and mum had fancy something asparagus eggs  things  with money off   as we  were members for the day !!!! so yer  worth   filling the  forms   in  to be a member     even  if we  never  go back   and then   the  storm  broke  and all hell  broke loose

It was obvious  their  was  not enough  to keep  us occupied  for a few  hrs   more  although i wld  be   happy siting    and reading  but it was  decided  to  gather   us all  up and go  to  a garden  centre on way  home   yer cool  3  places in a  day and  on the  way home but  this  was  were the   trouble was   a few people and  just sat in the  cafe  so had not looked  round but really  how u spend  yr time  is your problem  if  we   decide   to move   on and    your  gang  had  just  sat  down although the people   concerned   did have  who had  slipped on a  stair  coming off the bus  but not kidding   someone   falls  or  some mishap  every time  the  TRAC   community    decided  on a trip out or not enough    tickets   for all on the  coach to get into  theatre   but what   surprised a  certain man  telling  the leader lou  and her mum  wanted  to stay put and so did their gang   woooooooooh no way  we were happy to  go along  with  the crowd  and  was annoyed  that  we had  been used in such a way but  we  don’t   want  to go  and so it went on

I  was not  surprised when the leader   claims  not to  do anymore  trips especially when people   so ungrateful  but  i reckon  it will cool down  and  we  will be  out and  abt  before  the  year is out  i was  absolutely shattered  and  grateful  to have  a sit down and  read  in cafe  and  home we went and  not kidding  i was  soon snoozing  absolutely  shattered  !!!!!! and  still   debating  whether to  get some  cannabis  oil !!!! ha  but thats  another  tale






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deep and Intense !!

I think the   saying  physician heal  yourself  is  very apt  in most  health  conditions and the   vast majority  of people  become the  real  EXPERTS   ALTHOUGH   NOTHING AGAINST     HEALTH PROFESSIONALS    on the  whole but  from  experience  I have  gathered myself  a lot of  self  help to  help   with  my    distressed    brain  !!!  and so  here  is a few    how to  switch  your   thinking   from   real hell and anger  and  can’t   do anything  to  calm like  a lake  with no ripples    but   these are  just  the  things  that i do  that work   for myself  not claiming  will work for  others  as  one thing   i have learnt   being on this   planet   we are  deffo   one   size  fits all !!

A   Watching   tv  sometimes    helps to    watch  something  not to  heavy  like a soap  opera   they  get   alot of stick  but   think  it helps   to look  at other  people’s  lives and     their  over the    top problems helps to relax or  just  genuinely good play/ although certain progs do   spark off a reaction if  touches   something  to close to  home

B   READING  helps  also to an   extent  specially  when  reading  with other people  aloud and have to concentrate on the plot and  what other people  are  saying again the more  intense  something   is   lose  the  intrusive   thoughts  in  my head   , often  at home  when  really  not well  will read something  very  boring   or  something  child like  pretending to  be  tv     gesturing abt

C    writing   one of the  reasons  started  blogging  was  the mere  action of  typing out my  thoughts   relieves  the  agony of  the  thoughts  in my head  !!!!!

D  this  may  sound  extreme  but  putting a cold bag of ice  on thumping  head  and see how long  can keep it their  !!

E  siting  in a very hot   /cold bath the  extreme seems to  stop the thoughts and  then blur out music  very loudly and   hope   the  neighbours are   not in  again its the intensity  that  stops  the  thoughts  and can concentrate  on what doing  if   manage  to change  the pattern of thoughts  for  few mins  it may go  away for a few hrs  or more !!!

G  exhausting  self   with either long walk or  just  running  til  exhaustion the  tireder   i become  the less    bothered  i get  as  just want  to roll into bed  and  do what i love to do sleep

H   I  do not   own a pet   at the moment  and prob not  in the  near future  but  it is well  known  fact that  stroking  an animal releases the happy hormones    umm    some time w ill stroke  a   cuddly stuffed  animal insteade!!!

I   reading up on adhd   it seems the  brain  is never  still so   til i get    more  help to calm not gone  to that many meditation  classes  but the ones  have   gone to  briefly  in the past    have helped   and although not catholic  i believe   saying   somthing  comforting   can help that  is why  i have  more or less   learnt   Invictus  and   just   few lines  such as I am the master  of my fate   I am  the  captain of  my soul  yep  me  no one can  hurt me !!!

other   rhymes  cld  help or  doing something  like count in french  or count backward s in threes  from 100 .

Sometimes in public  and abt   to explode   in times  past   i have had a pony tale  hair  thing in my head  and  gone bang   bang  with it on my wrist !!! so  thought  patterns   change all this  is helpful when out   and abt in public  generally  as cant really  put music  on real  loud  and dance  about   til  exhausted   but maybe when things  get to  a boil  take   yourself  out of the  room and  volunteer  to  go  to  local shop especially i  really cold /  wet   not c os a  saint but  just   concentrating on something  else  other   than present  situation  may  help !!

I  am  feeling   had  enough of this   now but   time to  go somewhere   else  and  really  if  i was   really   good   i wld read   through this  numerous  times  and  to  make it  easier for  people  to read or myself but me  being  me  going to  quickly  fly by and hope   in time  to come i will be all  calm and   edit  it all properly !!!! ahhhhhh   dont  hold yr breath

Posted in adhd, aspergers, emotions, hidden diability, humour, meditation, mental health, self help /care, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

an extra in space

ho hum not blogged  for  awhile    not  sure  why  as it calms me down and helps  me to write things  down  and so far  2018  will  be known for health scares and  ensuring that   close   family is  having a  secret competition to see how  many scans  use  of the  NHS  we can get in the  space  of a year at the mo  it is  a pretty close as  altho  race .

I have been on antidepressants  for years and not kidding they  have absolute no effect on me   what so ever  and i felt  my  head  make a cracking  noise and to put it bluntly not  been the same since and  my head feels so full with god knows  what .

on my last  visit to local  hospital  I was asked   do u feel any better at all and  i squirm   and    shout  “i feel  no better   the tablets  do nothing for me although i was  sleeping  better   but maybe  to deep but  as per  usual i get up and the  nightmare  starts  with constant intrusive thoughts  and  banging about  in my head  although as i write  it seems a lot better   and  can just  about  keep it  at bay when  reading with my reading  grp but  am often talking to my head  ” NOT now  NOT now    leave me in peace ”

I was put on the waiting  list for MRI scan but of  no urgency as  wld not  say  it was  like   i had brutal  headaches but  strongest  emotional pain possible  and just feel that   I cannot  live like this  for the  rest of my life  just so to be  out of pain  it sounds   cowardly  when  people  talk about suicide  but  i  at times   think that  is the only way  i can be  free   from my head for 24 hrs , honestly not  enough to have a few hrs  free   in a day  and if my life  was  a film and  someone  else   was me for a week  /  day   50 mins   they wld  be screaming to  change back   always   remember  the  book  vice versa  were  they  changed  places  one  becoming  an adult   and the other  child   actually not to sure of the  ending   but remember the   book cover

I had no intention of  taking anyone with me  least of  all either parent  although  a good  friend  said  she wld be willing  to come  with me  but   the  day before the  welsh  lot were up and was  in a good  mood  after  being with my  niece   and   yes  I told   mum cld  go with me  as long as   she did not  spare  into  space or   go all   hysterical  just   keep calm like   her  daughter !! ha

I have  had  various  scans on  parts of  the  body and  all come   back   saying  how e  bodfound  something  unusual but they were  going to  leave  the  strange workings of   my body to  chance  !!!! ( honestly  least  known is  sometimes  best )

We found the  MRI  scan  relatively easy and  waited  around and  me wit h   a book  as per usual   was happy  just to sit  and read   the wolves of  willoughby chase    again  read ages    ago  but  cant   remember the  whole  sequence of  books  so time for reread , i was  trying  not to  be   bothered   the man  next to  me had been  waiting for hrs as   had   told  him wld   see  to    him sometime   today (   nooooh i like  proper  times  slots )  after  signing   a few documents   the  same  questions  over and over  i was led to  be an extra in what ever   star  wars   down   into the  depths of the  hosi   with  people  in scrubs  and  shut  doors   with notices   keep out  , i know the  world  was  ending  soon   perhaps   this was   ummmm  wait    wait  wait   and some more   ahhhhh what  was  the invictus   thingsy  again  Out OF the night   that   covers   me    black as  the pit  from   pole  to pole actually it   was  full of colour   down  here  in space world   yet again  had to   run   medical  history ”  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  have told  u this bu t  suppose  better  safe  than sorry  then bang  was in

Their   was the   capsule which i  was  to put my head and  body outside    yer no worries    i thought    although  bit put off  when  they  gave me like  a beeper thing  and if  it  became unbearable  to press it  , what on earth  were they  going  but hey  head and body  in position  and in to the capsule   were  their  was sound of   music maybe  not tuned  into the  radio but no matter  as the  rumbling  went  louder  that i  could not concentrate  just  stay put wont be long  not sure how long  it was before  someone another  10  mins lou and the  be over   like oh yer ok but actually was  beginning to   drop off  to sleep   and was a struggle  to keep  focused  but   before  knew was  it was over and bang out the   capsule  and before  gathering my thoughts  with quick  we   will be in touch  I was   away  back to my mum  and their  i was going to  tell people  i wanted to  see  the   results my self  but no way  now  and  a sprint  to  get something to eat and relax  well this   was  were  the  stress  began for  real as  was left  dangling  waiting  when  will they get back in touch and the  wait  continues ……………………………

Posted in aspergers, emotions, frazzles, hidden diability, invictus, mental health, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

just abt managing !!!!

I have  begun  to be   quite  frightened abt  digging  to  much into  brain  conditions and labels  as  find my self  diagnosing  with  everything although  I went on a course the  other week  about  adhd and  something  called  co morbidity   think  that  i were  if u  are on the autistic    wavelength  you are  more than likely  tuning  into adhd  as well and is highly  likely you have  this   thing emotional deregulation  bit   like   a train  going  off the   rails   your emotions have done the  same !!!

people  who  hAVE  NOT GOT  THESE  conditions in the  family  or themselves  do not  understand why it is   so important to have a formal diagnoses  and it    is  quite  simple it confirms  your thoughts  and  you have    no chance  of getting help unless  formally  got a diagnoses     and it can  be  very demoralizing  being told why is   it so important  to have  the label it  just explains  things and knowing  it is  physiological    wow  helps nearly 90 %

I am   quite  happy to  talk about my  brain and  its countless  problems  cos  dispite them  if u get  to know me  I am not that  different   from other people  you may know in

your  address   book !!!!   and i tell people i am diabetic   cos u never  know when may  have diabetic  attack but   the same with  ADD   asd  and ptsd    and  any other  arrangement of letters   that  i carry around  with me.

Emotions are not  valued enough  and how  we are effected  one of the  symptoms of  adhd  is extreme  reactions  to  situations but on being told that u   have  to wait maybe   up to  three years for help the  trauma of this obviously makes things worse and wld  no way happen  if was a physical  ailment  but still  fight on Macduff   and  out of the night that  covers me black as  the pit from pole  I thank  thee God for my unconquerable  soul  wld not be   good   to give up as  that   would  prove  defeat  but am getting  rather   tired  now  !!

It has  also been  proved   that people  suffering from adhd  / autism are more likely to suffer as well  from ptsd  which has been a puzzle  for    ages why   does  one person get ptsd  and not the  twin / friend  who went  through the  same  experience !!!

the worst  thing i find with my     unusual  brain  is the  way my thoughts  go round  in loops and  have to try   and find  ways     of  halting the  loop of thought !!

I have been for  CBT  countless  times  but has no effect  and  to challenge the  thoughts  when   creep into my    conscious but this so difficult    when all  other  systems  in my body are   breaking   down and   having  a hissy    fit  and so called   experts   tell me   all I am doing is  catastrophizing  the  situation   oh no i am  not these   situations  have  happened so  not  making  mountains  out of molehills and   react  far to quickly  situations without thinking  of the  consequences    such drinking loads of  lager / cider    chocs   not good idea  but  deffo  when not a diabetic  !!! feeling tired   now and want  a cuppa   and  going to  think of  the  different solutions i have   to get myself out of   my whirlwind !!



Posted in adhd, aspergers, diabetic, emotions, invictus, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Anniversary meal

Tomorrow is my parents   52   wedding  anni  so   thought   shld     do  something  for their   golden  wedding we  went for   a weekend  in LLanduno and oh how the  football  fixtures   went our way  as   no    footie   games  so cld relax  as it was  also GRAND  National  weekend  always  been   big occasion on Merseyside   although  dont think we had  no  winners  but still that  was   2016  long time  ago

I had thought  that the   derby   match   was on a   sunday but  on finding it was on the  8th not 9th yer   why not go out  for  a meal

So  seeing   parents  do  a big  food shop on Thursday best   stop   then saying  I  would  take them out   my dad   seemed  a bi disgruntled  and  said we  will see and  other ahhhhh   cant be bothered  and    another  time   or  oh ok will  gpo myself  or just take   my mum  but  the  anniversary  is this  Sunday   so wont be  the same without the  bride and  groom or  on a different date  does  not really do the justice   !!!!! so be it  will   go out myself or go to the  usual   book grp ,  I always  loved the  story    of the chicken (think was chicken who asked  for  help and  got  none  so did   it all  herself !!!!

Awhile  my dad   said  he  had forgotten the  date   and so  yer    order  the  table for  a meal out  although we were  a day  early does not  really matter   as  all busy tomorrow i am going to  a toilet  party (   no  not  doing  that    today we will  flush  that out on  a later day ) so all booked  the   derby was  a draw so  was pleased   alththough tofffees    got pretty close    especially towards the  end   so off  we went .

My dad is   still  waiting  for  an op on his prostate  and my mum  been partially  deaf  for  at least a month so went to   one of  wirrals   faves  for lots  of people   if ever in this neck of the  woods  go to   shippams   IN Irby   village    you wont be   disappointed  unless you dont book before  hand only a slight   of chance  of getting  in with maybe  a  incywincy   grp of people  !!! enough promotion  anyway !!

I was  getting more and  more   frazzled with  intrusive thoughts  so  just  hope they come  with some   solution cos   my  life is  unbearable  as it is   at the moment  even with a  sprinkling  of Invictus   out of the  night  that covers me  when feeling  really frazzled  does nothing   the only  actual time  at peace is  when   asleep !!

Anyhow  we  arrived  and the  room was  relatively  full  various    grps   being  nosy  mum and myself  love people  watching   my dad   sees no point  in this   joyful occupation but  here   we were   wondering  who was  80  ahhhh she looks well for  8o   will any more  guests  be coming  or  are these   spare places so they can look over the pub  ahhhhh  no here  is a  load  more  guests and  the  8o old just   arrived  as the  big  give a way  he  had  a huge cake and was opening the  cards and presents   simples !!!!

I was very puzzled  by the  statement   on our  table  that  we  get 8 liqueur s  free with a  coffee  but on another  table  it  said    only 2 liqueurs  free and one table  had   nine  and also 8 drinks was a bit  much for  my self and  dad not keen but when i questioned  my puzzlement parents   roared and  said   thats  the table   number  not how many  free  drinks  oh not such  fun  then  as  lets   rush to table  9  oh  hum   3 courses later for a tenner  , well  just over and home we went    big meals  always make  people  sleepy  not going to  find out  why today l !!!! just relax  and watch some Agatha christie i am not  to keen oh her   but gave it a  try  last week and  relax   with a tea had   enough  of liqueurs for one  day  ( yeawn )






Posted in aspergers, diabetic, emotions, humour, mental health, party time, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

fall forward not back

i have been  told   that  it is considered   highly likely  got  adhd   and the waiting  list  is   very long to say the list  , just  lets  say wonder   what the  world   be like  in 2021.
I  think  their  is so many  people  out their   who  think of  adhd  and  picture  a  little  kid who  runs  around  and never  sits  still   not that  they can’t   cope with  a long  line of  instructions or that  one of  the main symptoms is   really   Intense   emotions  yer   that sums  me up as  when  i am happy i am very hyper and   boping around  all over the  place and  the downs  w hen some one says  something   i disagree  with or any  criticism   send me  in to  a mad spiral   of  self destruct

add on to  all this  aspergers and ptsd    no wonder  that  i  act  as if all   the   fuses in the  box  are  going to  explode all of a sudden   be wary that  is all  i can say.

i bet  u are thinking that is what  we  are  all like but no if u very lucky  u will  just find me in the middle the  place to be  not the  top of any thing   but the bottom  but  you can actually see the  adhd when for arguments    sake someone  puts  cheesy  music  on  I am the first one   up  dancing   away but   if  anyone  makes  a comment such as calm down  that  fires me  the  other way as  criticism makes me  spiral  out of control   the other  way  rejection sensitive  is    common with   such brain   conditions as  adhd   add   etc etc

I wonder   what  makes people    want to be   a top  notch politician   with all the  abuse  they  receive  must    admit i am   very strong labour supporter and love   discussing  politics but  thats as  far as it goes   and prob  turn the  knife  a bit  with the other lot   but  what  ever side   they   go on   they    must be pretty  strong-willed  to take up such a profession

I know   when my parents  were   house  hunting   got so close   to getting A HOUSE  ALL TO FALL  AT FINAL  HURDLE AS    A  MOTORway   being   built  behind the other people’s house and they  changed their mind !!  I am  pretty  sure  that   would  send me  hysterical   that   would  never  want to move again .

oh well   life is   a learning   curve  and  sometime  feel  1  step   forward   30000  back  but  as  they  say  does not matter   how many   times  you  fall  its   how many  times   you get  up  that counts  !!!   or   to  put it another  way  a least  falling  forwards  not backwards  hopfully    ahhhh     I am the master of my fate   i am the  captain of my soul  ahhh  deep breaths



Posted in adhd, aspergers, emotions, frazzles, hidden diability, mental health, ptsd, stress | Leave a comment