MY HEAD IS  WHIRLING   yesterday  i wen to my local   hospital  to see  a  psychiatrist   that  saw    yeons   ago    when  i was  self  harming   and   was totally  depressed   but   despite     changing  my  life    kind   around i  am always   thinking     there  is more to this then meets the  eye !!!!!

I was  going to see her  mainly   cos   cant  get   horrific thoughts  about   incidents     out of my head    which   is   again making  me suicidal  thinking  “am  I   going to  be   like  this for  ever   please   kill me  now !!!!

I  know   i am aspergic   but people  have  often made   the  comment   that i am ultra  lively and     get  over excited  bounce  around   this  tends  to  be  with people   i like   and know well     which although    at time   i am ultra  shy and  withdrawn  , i think   i am a person of extemes  !!!

Two  people    could be   discussing me    and    one maysay  ultra   quiet     says  nothing     by self  alot whilst   another  would  say     she comes   bouncing  in   hia  and yaps   constantly    interrupts   people  when speaking  and is  a live wire  so  yesterday     after   discussing    various things   was  kinda  s surprised   but  not   really    when   said   ” i strongly   suspect  got some form  of  adhd  /add    but   100%  sure        need    you to  some tests    and come back  ummmm  yer !

I was   bit  gobsmakced   NAHHHHHH  not   hyperactive   attention   deficit   thingy   i have  read   Shakespeare  and  middleman !!1 noooooooh  but then  she  said  ”  yer but   u are also   aspergic   and reading and words   are   yr  thing and  that  what   u like to  do  and then   thought   umm   I read  in a strange      way  everything    but also  jump     from a  biography to   a self help  to a   Victorian classic  but their  is a difference    between    me  reading    at home   to   the    shared   reading  grps   i am still  with  them  , well  realtively but at home    i move  about alot    !!!!! so yer  perhaps their is something   in their !!!!

i WENT TO SEE A  DIABETIC   NURSE    AFTER  THIS  ASKING   HER  BLUNTLY  WHAT SHE THOUGHT    and she    said   being  brutally  honest  s he thought   was more   add    then  aspergic as  she  says  ” you  bound in and     moving about  all the time  but seen   you with   other people  and   completely  different   so   yer    maybe    you change   but then  said     you’re   still  u   and thats  all that matters  !!!

i think last night   i thought  more  and more  abt this   thinking  yey  as i walked   round   and round in  circles        for what seemed  hrs   no wonder  skinny !!!!!

i had the    radio  at the   same time  and a song   came   on I liked  so danced    around  like a  mad   man  well lady    at the    end of my dancing  went oh yer    adhd  !!!!

I actually  am not  that  bothered  as if u   know   what something is you  can  learn   how to   control  it   to and extent  but    if i end  up on a ritalin   wld not be happy  if   took my  creativity  away   as  thats   what  i like   head   buzzing  with ideas   oh well  such is life    and   greatest   gift   you  can  have  with a  brain  that  is  out of  sync is a sense of  humor and   ability   to laugh   at ones  self  !!!!!  and  who wants   to change that    yey     Invitus     u  were  right

out  of the  night  that  covers me  black as the  pit   from  pole to  pole   I  thank whatever gods   may be   for my unconquerable   soul   yer    getting   to  the   top and bottom of  it   taking  a lifetime  but    wow   what a journey   now were   have  i put   war and peace !!!

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Invictus still about !!!!

Out of the  night   that cover  me  black as the   pit  from  pole    to pole  .

I   thank whatever  gods  may be   for  my unconquerable soul .

yer  still here    Invictus   mates  for  life although have  odd   squabble   as all  mates do  ,     things    seem to be moving    again for me   and surely  one  day    i will   get  a good   set of    cards  to play with   and  wow  will i play them

MY gp and other   various   mental  health  people    reckon although     deffo  got   asperger  it  is   not the major problem   really    it looks more   and more   deffo  that is

deffo  pure   ocd  which has been  sparked   off  mainly by  traumatic   life    experiences     cool  well  not cool  at all  but   u have  got   to know   what  you are  actually  fighting  so to speak.

I  actually  don’t   remember     being at peace  for a  full  24  hrs   but  one day that is my dream  to  be just  at peace   with the world and my self    and out    of the   black   pit   woah !!!!!     keep  wanting to  say   black  night    kind  of means the  same  !!

i  often   think got  my life    figured out  and  yep the  past is  no longer   torturing  me  , but wham bam a massive    tidal wave  comes   and knocks   you over  and    you  are  flat on yr     face  but   although   you are  on the  floor and  you think  hey  ho    just going  to  lie   here   for  ever     their  actually  comes   up  a point when you  have to  get up   again  bit  like   getting out of  bed  and  its  freezing    so yer    my un conquerable   soul  is back

!      In the   fell clutch  of  circumstance  i have not  winced  or  cried   aloud   my head is   bludgeoned   but unbowed   (  this   bit   not   true still but  if   you     don’t   open     your mouth  and    have   total  hysterics   no one   blinks an eye lid   )  strange     saying  that  !!!  but  still  i know what  i mean !!!!!!

I had  buried     various   traumatic   events   in my child  hood  away   think they  call it   disassociated    or   something  just   put  away  in  box  for  Pandora   to come and open  hell and double hell  which  has  sparked  off the  pure ocd  and  the   evil  thoughts      in  the   washing machine of my brain    I believe    some people    say this is  like the  cancer of the psychiatric   world   bit  strong    you may   be thinking     but have my brain  for   a week and  would   give   you a 100%   guarantee    that    you would be  totally suicidal as not kidding  it affects all  of your life  and makes    even the  smallest  problem   such as i often  mislay a  library book and   I  get so  wound   up about  it     so  that   the lost  library    book  becomes  i  will be    banned  from  the library for  ever and  i wont   be  able  to  read   their   books  and  what  will  i do   the   end is  neigh    noooooh  but   their  i go just magnifying    every problem to    the   size of  stuff  in  Gulliver’s    travel s !!

Beneath   this place of  wrath  and tears  lies the horror  of the  shade  and yet the  menace of   the  years   will  find me  and   find me  unafraid  ,.   umm still   kinda   confused by this the  horror  of the  shade    bits of me  hopes  that if  i ever  become   well  I   will  be   just  so  overwhelmed  that i   just     be not sure   what    to   with myself or  my emotions like a kid   before   christmas        day !!!

i have  been   told    the  way i react well over  react   is a    reaction  to   ptsd   but   that  just amuses   me cos   not   normal  at all   i am just on another  universe   to the  rest of   you !!!        I don’t    know  what i  would do  if   i had  a normal   brain for a  day  prob    nothing  exciting  as  would be overwhelmed

i   am to   tired  and  emotional    to do the  last    little  bit  so   just got to remember


I am the  master  of my fate   I am the    captain  of my soul   and  what  other  people    do to me   to mess  that up is  NOT  MY FAULT  SO THEIR  U GO

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threats and the brain reacts

I  have  suffered  from   ptsd slightly  since the   age of  13  and   full blown for over a   decade   with ocd  most of my  life but   just  discovered   got pure  ocd    as well   which is actually a  relief to me  as  at least i know   their  is a reason   that  I think all these  horrendous   thoughts !!!

The  main reason  for this   m any brain  experts   reckon   come  from yeons  ago   when mankind lived   in  caves  and well    they  had to be  alert  for most of the  time otherwise   disaster  could  strike  such   as  eaten by I don’t  know   a lion or something of  that  nature   the  brain had to be  alert  otherwise  no   more  little  BILLY !!!!

If   a   lion  comes  near to u  your brain  reacts with  chemicals  such as   adrenaline  and  cortisol      which is fine   if  going to be  eaten  up   as  you know to run off but  if  someone  scams   you  in the  internet  world  then  the  chemicals  stay  in yr body   i reckon   that  is  why  i am  on alert   system all the  time    and   if  anyone   comes   round  the  corner  unexpectedly  i over react with  a giant     scream   cos   i see   any shock  as  a threat   even   when it is harm less

I f u get  over the  what ever   is  upsetting  you   the brain   is  again  flooded  with  dopamine and   you  feel  relaxed   and  warm and fluffy   but   this    can also   cause probs   later on.

ocd    often  develops as  the   brain  thinks   as to something over  and over   to be safe   i  am forever   getting  books   even on kindle  but have always  been in   dread of  having  nothing to read  although i am told   constantly  i could  stay at  home  til  110   but still would not  read them  i  have to certain  places   out   otherwise  get distressed   saying this  not sure   which is ocd or   aspergers    think they   are supposed to   be distant cousins   when  a  person with  ocd   repeats an action  it supposed;y  calms   down the  anxiety  of  not   repeating the  action but actually  there is  no threat at all   if i did  not   walk    round    the library  nothing  would   go wrong I  know  deep down   nothing will happen but    just kinda  have to  check all  is well  with the books  used to   always   take   unpopular  books   home  with me   as felt as   doing them a favour  and trip out  by  leaving the  library  shelves.

I  often dream  of having a  day  or pushing it  a bit    a week /month  without  these thoughts  but    that  is just   dreaming of world  peace  just wont happen but   we  can all do   our bit  n been told  to beat  this kind of   disorder  is ignore   it  umm like  a   horn   blaring in the  street

whilst trying to sleep  !!!   sigh    need a cuppa   too much thought

I  am the  captain  of my  fate    i am the  master of  my soul     deep breaths

Posted in abuse, aspergers, mental health, ptsd, pureocd, stress, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The choices you make are up to you

I  have   just   wondered if i will   ever  be   happy for  the  whole   24hrs   that i am awake for that would  be a massive   achievement  with my head   whirling round  and round with aspie  pure ocd and ptsd  thoughts


I have been   going through the   fIrst      part of Invictus

Out    of the night   that covers me    black as the  pit from pole   to pole    I   thank what  ever    Gods may be    for my  unconquerable   soul ummm   I still  see the  unconquerable  soul bit    as  yer I am still here  miracles    of miracles   although  often   hope  and hope  that   I wont be  around for  much longer    on  average    a  few   hrs  of  felling  relaxed  and   happy is   no way  to live  for the  rest of my life !!!

I  am always    trying to live in the  moment   which   is    as difficult    for me   and     more chance of   being Wimbledon (  so    funny  if u  have ever  seen me   hit a  ball

I came  across  this   the other day  by whoever    ha

Enjoy this   moment   It wont last

The future will soon  be the past

the  day   quickly  becomes the night

fill   each moment  with delight  .


I  fill your  days    with   delight

find  joy  in all you do

the options are  limitless the  choice is up to you

their  is more    but   will leave it their    as that is   enough   to be  thinking of  yer  it  is true the   day passes    quick and  it is  amazing   to think we     more that  half  way through the year  but     because of my head  probs   I am  most of  the time in the  past   although we  can’t     change it  so  what is   the point  ummm

I would be  made up   if  spent more that   a few   hrs in   a happy state      so to   fill each moment   with delight wow  !!!!  be knackering    if nothing  else

I   like  this   kind of poem  but not  one to  memorize  and  think     most  days   like Invictus  as  does   not really   apply to me  their  is no sign   of coming  out of  darkness  and  not much to cling on to    but    their   is one  line  I really  like

The choice   is up to you   yer bit like   Invictus     I am the  master of my fate   I am the   captain  of soul    yep   it is you   doing the  steering


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small changes small steps

It is well  over   7  months   since New year   and    was wondering   about  how  we make  big steps   at NEW year  and  well  months  later   may have  even forgotten  what they  were . I  stopped  celebrating   NEW  year    awhile   back as  realizing     not going to   get   any better    doom and gloom merchant    that i am  !!!!

but perhaps the  answer instead  of   small  changes  make   small  setups  saying i I   will  stop smoking  turn it    I will  cut    down bit  by bit   reckon it would be  more   successful

I  remember  a    man helping  me with  ptsd  and  thoughts in head      asking  me  rather obscure   questions  what  would  the  future  be  like if    you  did   not have   the  problems   you had now and  how would  i know  if i was  better   well  i would  just know  because  was not   in   a rage  and the few   times i am happy   just  want   to hold on to it   a bit longer !!!

People   make  resolutions   that   are  to   big    stop  smoking or  drinking  without doing   the small  steps    like  just cut  it little  by little ,  i am trying  to   sop these  awful  thoughts in my head   round and round  goes the  rage  til it  subsides  so  much time   I on them but  their  is   tomorrow   (  groan)

I wonder    what my  life   would be  without  these  thoughts   and  know  I would not waste  my time and just know   i would be more at peace with  myself  and others    yer  out  of  the  night  that  covers me   black as the  pit  from  pole   to pole  ( invictus)   yer     maybe  never fully  out   but every  minute   without these  thoughts  is    a tiny  step    not a stepping stone  more like a pebble  so should  notice   each  little  change   and if not happening   change the  steps   !!!.

In Tibet their is a word for  regret but not for guilt  so  dont   spend time  being   guilty unless   hurt someone  else than it is   different   we all have our own  paths  and  shld not   feel   guilty  doing own thing

I  am the master of   my fate   I am  the  captain of  my soul

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getting out of self stress

ooh wow   managed  to get  a photo  up   made my day ha   used  to   be able to do  that   easily but  just kinda  forgot    i felt   the stress  evaporate    well slightly  but makes  it   abit  more  interesting   for all !!

I am someone  who  has  extremely high  stress  levels  prob off the  scale  if their  is  such a thing    but  alot   of high powered  people ( ( mentioning  no names )  do not   realise   how  it affects the   body as  well as the  brain    i always  notice   how high my blood sugar  levels   go when  i am stressed      it goes off the scale !!!!! and  although   stress   effects  you   in the  moment  I  dread to think  what the  damage is  doing   for the  future   years  !!

getting involved  in something  helps  like the  above   the picture  shows  my 2   eldest  nieces  playing in   Birkenhead   park they  are  concentrating  on what  doing  so   unable  to worry about  what    is going  on at  school !!!

The worries   get   set aside   when i am leading   a reading  grp  sometimes  the   awful  ocd /ptsd   killer thoughts   hit me but  can   fight them off  alot  easier   when with a  grp  although  not always   sometimes  i truly  truely  explode !!!!

I am not  one  for getting  loads of  infections  but     STRESs  supposed to    damage    immune system  wonder   why that  is the  reason  diabetic  or my  osephageous    kinda  went black  last year   think it     over  40% or higher    whose  physical   systems    are  in a mess   cos  of killer  stress.

I do  not know    wether  should   call my love    of reading  a hobby    nahhh  its  more than that   it is the  way of being   i went  out and about   today with my mum on public  transport     and had to   wait  at  various   places  for  buses    but   was   quite  happy as  instead   of getting  narked   thought   good   can read  a bit more !!!

I don’t   really have  any   active  hobbies  but do  like  going for a walk  and have  dabbled   in various   fitness  fads  although  coordination  probs  cause   a few  probs   people  do not always   realise    that   you  do not  want to  be  a world   expert  at  yoga   just   enjoy and relax    and    who  cares   if not    quite   in the  right position !!!

I  am not very  arty   put off it in school  when teacher    ripped  my picture   up which i   thought   was   quite  good well for me !!! but still   colouring is  another matter  as  you  can concentrate   at the patterns and   deciding  which  colours to use   yey  stress  free    and    can’t   really   worry about  paying   the gas bill  when  concentrating  what colour comes next .

I  have  never   really  been bored  as  just  get so  involved  with  reading  books and   colouring    so much  out their  to find  out  about how  can people   be bored !!! although  there is prob a link between having too much or to  little  to do !!!   I  find   i like  to  be alone  after   being  with  people  for long periods  and  quite   relieved   but alot  of people   ask arent  you lonely   nahhhh to busy !!!!  and   always  think I am someone  who need  to recharge   one hell of alot !!!

Some people   say   they have  no idea   how to fill  time   once  retire   but   I know parents love it visiting people   or   playing bowls  or just going the pictures in the day  and one   friend loves making  jams   she has   made it   into a business   without stress .

I dont   know  why  i dont   suffer   boredom cos  on the  ASD   spectrum so i dont  live in this  i  have  done this before   life    does  not matter  how many times   do something  it   is reliving it a fresh    dont seem to have    the   syndrome   “AHHH  done that   before   syndrome !”  someone called   kobi  Yamada    said  “everything is a once  in a lifetime   experience    so true !!!!!!

I always    volunteering   helps   although not  to  sure  much  help i am     just like   everything in a care  free way  not   filling forms  or making   gallons  of tea for people (make their own)   but  yer    when you  volunteer     I     can escape    from  being me  !!!!!

I am the  master of  my fate   I am the   captain  of my soul   ummm thats  better   but  y   have  I got   awful  pains  in my  leg  ahhhhhhhhhhh stop !!!!! worrying  !!!!!!!! =  stress

Posted in aspergers, diabetic, happy, hidden diability, mental health, stress, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

nudge push shove

I     have   been interested for  awhile  in like  what can   only be  called   the  inner self  what is  me   throughout my life    i have  felt   something  what is   it  telling me to go a certain  way  is  the soul    who knows   !!!

I know  for   a fact   if I had listened  to my  inner   feeling  / thoughts   would not have been  in the mess  I am in now  !!!

I   don’t  remember     a time  when I did not read     and parents   will  often  talk about  me  walking   round with   a book   had   very little  interest  in dolls  or  people   just liked  to read or  look at pictures   !!!

I have  no idea   why    people    gets so   upset   about    following   your   own way  in life  i remember parents    getting upset  that   i did  not go  out  and about as  much    as  other  people  my age  and   tried  to  explain   that  i was   quite  happy    siting  in the   garden  reading   i was  happy   doing  what i wanted !!!  why   do  people  get so  upset   because  people  like to  be   themselves   rather than     going   round in a gang  !  It   all made   sense     once    diagnosed  with  aspergers   but  people  still  made  comments  about    me being   by  my self   yer  sort  out     log  in yr own  eye  before    getting the  speck out of mime  I  knew  of a neighbours   son  who very rarely   left the  house    saying  he would  sort    himself   out   when  ready and   after  getting  a  part   time job for   a year or so  has just    got  himself  a job  in London  yer   he  knew what was best for him    and    after  spending    time  by  himself for  years  he got  the  right messages  and  is now   ready to   live his own life !!!

People    still  get upset    about the  time   i spend   reading   but it  is  what i  enjoy  although  a friend  said  ”  you read  like an autistic  ,    like   read  everything   dont choose   in the  right order   and totally engrossed   well that makes   sense  !!! although it   is    difficult    to decide   when    to say this  book    is not working for me   lets   give up but I dont  i just   carry  on going !!!!  althoughis   to short    to read as   someone   told me   life     rubbish  true   but  i  am  open  to all !!!!

I  tend   to always   to go the   same way  every where   and so  it  was   a total  surprise   when   nearly 10   years   ago   walking  round Birkenhead   felt   this need to   go and  check out the  Lauries   community  centre   which had been  opened by  Paul  o grady   awhile back   so off i  went    bit unsure  as  never   been their  before   but  something  was nudging me over    ”  go and see  what is over  their ”  umm so off I  went i   was  bit  disappointed  at first    as   although claimed  to  be  a community  centre  it   obviously  was not and   looked  at  me gobsmacked  when asked  what  goes  on then!!!!    not alot  umm  well  have    something to  eat and  lets   get out of  here   and  so   picked   something  to much and    ate  (   exciting this )   not but   wait over   their in the  corner  was  a grp   about   3/4 people   siting in the  circle   reading ,  from  a   book it   FASCINATED ME  LOOKING  VERY RELAXED  AND  BEFORE  knew   were  i was    the other side of the   room   asking  what they     were  doing  very   rude  !!!!    and shock horror    we  are  the  reader  org   sit down    and join us  so   i did   and   for the  first  time   ever   felt  totally at home   and  could not  wait   to go  home and  tell my  mum  what  i had found  and the  rest  as they  say is  history still  involved   10 years  on although   do my own   grp now  with   a mate   and  still   someone  who read   read   reads  but   the   bi g difference   not alone but with  friends !!!!!

I wonder   what    would  have happened  if not listened to   this  inner voice  life  is  still not   easy but    without    the  shared  reading   grp alot   harder  and it   silences my thoughts  which are  horrific   with ptsd /pure ocd !!!! but    does    silence   when reading more  so   when    not alone so  just   stay  open  to curiosity  and what is over their  cos  you   can  know  when the  inner   being  is nudging  !!!


Posted in aspergers, dyspraxia, hidden diability, mental health, READING, Uncategorized | 2 Comments