karma boosting

People   are still talking about  new year  suppose   it is still  early on   i am of  but   the  view  of  the  usual   roller coast of a   but a lot of it      is through  choice   we decide  what   path    to follow    someone  may offer  a slice of   choc cake  and we  may  decline and  then  accept    it   and then  b lame the   person offering the  cake   instead  of our selves  !!

Buddhists  and Hindus are  firm believers on karma  and must   admit  because of the  traumatic   life   i have lived    i often wonder    what  my  ancestors   have  done to me but in general   words  actions   do have  consequences   such as  saying   ”  do  you  think   you  could   take   sam  the   dog  out  for me   as  shattered  instead  ”  of    ” CANT  U SEE   I  AM TIRED     CANT YOU  EVEN TAKE THE   DOG OUT !!!  THINK IT         Newton  who said something  abt  profound   abt  cause   or  effect but  please  don’t use   it in   quiz  section  as not sure !!

Alot of people  seem  to be turning away from  resolutions and have heard  mentioned    people are   concentrating   maybe on a  word   like   kindness   all though  i start    off   every day and never  quite make it through but a list  was    made  by various   do gooders   !!! not saying  i can  do   any of the m but here is  a  few

A   keep  your   word  / promise   (  must admit  do  this  and   one  of the  worst  things    u can do is break a promise    especially  with  kids  )   i always   actually say    well i am not promising  which not sure   if that   defeat  the  object)

B    show   respect  to all (  well on the  whole yer   but  sometimes  just   totally  forget  and rant  and  rave     but this   cld  mean   rspect to  animals and plants   as well )

C   be  a good  friend  well   i    try to  but  like today  friend  wanted  to meet me for   coffee   but  because of   aspergers i  have to   have    at least a  days notice  of more    of what  i am doing  so ummm)

D  look for the   best in   everyone   (  mum  does  this    I find  it   really  difficult as  i am    a  bit of  a  marmite person and i either    like  you  or  I  don’t but   yer   work in progress

E   Be  kind  (   my mum  is  again   good at this  but   sometimes  at  the  result  she  can’t say no to  people and  runs  herself  ragged   perhaps  i shld be more   soft  centred    um noooh   umm  this  is going  to require a lot of practice

F  when   make a mistake say  sorry  as they  say sorry  is one of the most hardest   words  to say but  once  said the  relief is  enormous  and you wish  you  had  said it  sooner

g  SHOW    FORGIVENESS   THIS IS  THE  HARDEST  ONE FOR ME   PEOPLE  WHO HAVE  HURT   ME IN THE   PAST   AND  I MEAN  HURT   HAS MEANT   GOT PTSD  AND SO MY HEAD    JUST LOOPS  ROUND  ROUND  WITH PAST   EVENTS  BUT  STILL   GOT   HOPE !!!!!  MY MUM FORGIVES   EVERYTHING   HOW NICE   TO BE LIKE THAT   BUT JUST NOT ME   WITH   BEING  ASPERGIC   AS WELL     LONG  TERM  MEMORY   TO GOOD  HA

POUR OUT  LOVE    AHHHH NO  MORE OF THESE  THINGS  JUST NOT   IN MY Personality oh well   lets just    say small steps

had  enough of  nice thoughts  now making me    ill    but    have  read    more   and more   of this  kind word  thing  were u just  focus  on one word  like  fulness   to concentrate more on doing  more  with life  although not all words   work   like   DECLUTTER umm I    always   think  i   may need that  one  day   instead  of   ”  do   you   really need   that  hey no !!!!  oh well

steering  wheel in my hand   I am the  master of my  soul  I am captain of my fate ( that  actually does  not sound   right oh well  !!

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Posted in aspergers, balanced, frazzles, inner wisdom, mental health, practical tips, ptsd, Uncategorized | 8 Comments

serenity v Invictus

THE  NEW YEAR IS  ONLY  6  DAYS IN  AND IT  HAS   BEEN A  MIXTURE OF  EVENTS    BIT ON THE  WHOLE  FEEL    BIT  BETTER ABT   2018 THAN 2017    FOR THE  SIMPLE

REASON U CAN  DIVIDE   NUMBERS IN TO IT AND  HAVE AN INTENSE    DISLIKE OF PRIME NUMBERS !!! THAT IS THE    ASPIE  IN ME  BUT  I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE   WHO HAVE NO SYNDROMES   AND  ONLY LIKE  CERTAIN NUMBERS

ANYHOW    RAMBLING  AGAIN  I HAVE KNOWN THE  SERENITY  PRAYER  FOR YEONS  AND  ALTHOUGH    DOES NOT   HAVE  A MASSIVE  EFFECT    ON,E LIKE INVICTUS   IT IS  KIND OF UPLIFTING ALTHOUGH  NOT SO GOOD    WHEN  U FALL OUT      with    god   which is pretty   frequent    but   with Invictus the   emphasis  is more on myself  so give  it   more power    out of the   night  that  covers me    black as   the pit  from  pole to po

I thank u   God  for my unconquerable  well  God turns  up but  still  would  say the   emphasis   is more on self   !!!! an  i agree i have got    loads of  help over the years  but   at the end   it is me  that     is holding  on to the  control button leave the    horse to winter   but   cant  make it   drink  !!!  and  also  like me sounds abit  unsure  so be  an agnositic  well     will believe it  half  way  so then   not disapointed.

I have only   ever   seen  on e  version Of  Invictus   and wld  say  it is the last   two  lines that tend to be  empashied     i am the   master   of my soul  I am the  captain of my soul  yer in end it is me in  charge he may show  the paths cld   go on     but  i n the   end it up to me !!  but with the  serenity  prayer       it  all depends what    version  u have    in your hands  which word has the  most emphasis  !!!

GOD  grant  me   the   serenity TO

ACCEPT  the   things   i  cannot   change

COURAGE  to  choose the  things i can

and the   WISDOM  to know the  difference

or

God  grant me   the  SERENITY

to accept the things I cannot change

COURAGE      to choose the   things   I can  and the

WISDOM  to know the difference

yer     their is  not much difference  but the  words   deffo jump  out more    i love  that moment   when children   begin to   read properly  and   out  expression in to their words !!

I suppose it    is just  as inspiring as  INvictus  and if anything   better   known   especially in   christian   circles   i suppose the    line   that   hits out at me   is accept the things   you cannot change    and the   courage to know the  difference    their is certain   events  in our life  we   cannot    change  but we  continue  to play  the if  only  game this is   were   my ptsd   stems from  and   always   feel it is   important  to feel that  u have   the    hold the   steering  wheel in the car  and to realise    their is  something  you have  no control  over    if    I was  putting words in of my own  it may be    control  but that sounds a bit  bullying   but maybe  trust    is  a very   important word   it  is  so  easy  to lose  trust in people and so difficult  to   get it back  and of   course      letting   go the   reason  frozen  s is so popular    tell u    how to   let it go   of past hurts  but is easier to  type  than do  !!!

the  serenity   prayer   thingy  is more like a  I wish   poem thing but  Invictus  is  more in your  face  and positive   you can get  through  the  turmoil of life   but it is sometimes   good to    get another   a string to  the bow  and have a new perspective on things   so will     remember  the  serenity prayer  just   opens up more  choice and helps     even more in the   fight of  letting go in  getting over  the trauma of life

 

 

 

 

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All change !!

ha i am in    a writing and  thinking   deep  thoughts   mainly cos   still in new year  mode  although not  that  much  has  changed  seen a  dr   who agrees   still  need a  brain scan but   she reckons  not  much     they  can do but also  changing   the  medication  to see if can    somehow stop these   awful   intrusive thoughts  which not kidding   totally  spoiling life

so    came across  the numerous   echart tolle ( what ever   name)   who  is handy  just to pick up and delve  sometimes  so here  goes

Some changes   look   negative  on the   surface

but  you  will soon  realise that   space is being  created

in your  life   for something  new  to emerge

I must    admit  not good  with   change     like  everything planned and  know  what it   happening   one of    y bugs   ”  what u doing     nought    ahh good meet me  in town for  a coffee   in an hour

BUT  just told   you  that is  what i  a nothing !!!

sometimes  you  have to look at the  whole picture   and   sometimes   just need  a  different    view point  with    a  new perspective  and think yer   y life    at times  is true   hell but look  where  u have  been  because of  it       !!!

I  am the master  of my  fate   i am  the  captain of  y soul

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soul friend/ anam cara

we are now a few days  into the new year and  no  their  is  been  no earth  shattering news and as per usual my health is still in turmoil /doldrums  i will prob get slightly better when the new year   takes hold and  dont  have  to do  this  “happy new year  but being   brutally honest   does anyone change    from the last minute of the last minute to the   first of the new year !! but i suppose always hope !!

I think have  said   previously that  not a  great poetry lover    ( Invictus   ) being  the  exception but cant   really   write  on that  for  how  ever long this blog  will continue    although  he  is still with me  if not   full blast !!!

I came across   this poem the    other day  i have heard OF  JOHN  o  don hageue   or something  like that   and is Irish  which is were   my roots  are   (    u can tell  with   all my blarney )

I came   across this word    anom cara    think that   right  to tired  to   do  more investigating    but means   soul friend  which  is   appeals to me   I have a    very dark side  to my personality because of  trauma   suffered  as   kid  and  am in turmoil  alot of the  time   I did   have a soul  friend    as  kid but  we   have  deffo  grown apart but   have  found   like minded  people with the   reader   ORG   WHO  ARE  like  minded   people   maybe  but  more  than  that   i can be  myself   which  in  turn make me calmer as    i journey  through life  show people the path but  dont   drag them  along if  do not want  to   have memories  of my  dog who  did not like  water and   wld  plonk herself  down and  refuse to  budge so  carried her across the    bridge  which  she  was   quite  happy abt  but   did   not want  to    travel   by herself  (  no wonder  she   was overweight ) !!!!  anyhow   here is  the poem

Your soul knows  the   geography  of  your  destinity

Your soul has the  map of the   future  therefore  you can trust  this  direct  oblique  side of  yourself

If  you do
IT    will  take you where   you need to go

it will  teach  you   a kindness of  rhythm in your journey  !!!

ye p   the soul  is you and knows   you more than anyone   is it a gut   feeling  then u shld listen  as it knows   best    if  i  had  listened  to  my soul  gut  feeling wld   not be  in the  place i am in today   all the best   I am the  master of   my fate   I am the  captain  of my soul    not Invictus is it !!

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BLOG / DIARY / Dont believe it all

UMMM  I HAVE BEEN BLOGGING  FOR   AWHILE  MY MUM IS BETTER  THEN ME  ALTHOUGH  ONLY DOES  EMAILS ON LINE  BUT  HAS KEPT  A  VARIETY OF   DIARYS    AND NOW  THOSE CALENDARS WITH  JUST  A LINE TO GIVE  YOUR    HAPPENINGS   NOT GOOD   FOR ME  WHO LIKES TO  WAFFLE  OR NOT KIDDING   HANDWRITING IS MUCH WORSE THAN    TYPING  ON HERE    HONEST !!!

i DO  WISH I  WLD BLOG MORE   BUT   JUST  DONT   THEIR IS  SO MUCH   THAT I DONT PUT DOWN    WHICH    WOULD   HELP PROB  WHEN     WANT TO SEE  HOW FAR HAVE  COME  OR  J NOT !!!

i  CAN IMAGINE PEOPLE ALLOVER THE WORLD   WRITING IN  DIARYS    STARTING  BLOGS   BUT MUST ADMIT  have been going   for  awhile   although   some people make  a mistake  of   saying  I will  faithfully blog   every day and   no they dont  keep   up with it   as that  thing  life    gets in the way !! I remember   ages ago saying i was going tom    rewrite   paradise   lost in   to scouse  not cos my version   was going to be  better  but   just thought  it  wld be  fun ( honestly )  or  just   bring  it  to   the   audience of   today  oh well   I  think did  the   first     50 lines  but   u never know may go back !!

 

I  can remember    writing in a  paper  thing about in primary teacher  saying such  things as  i love    GRAham Howard  who  lived  opposite  me   actually  he made my life   hell as    his mum  looked  after me before   school  and  would not let me play with   toys   but he used  to come to our house   and play with my dolls  and  Ironing  board which i  had     interest in   i was more interested  i  his books and  that he    was a member of  the puffin  club (  book  club )  but not allowed  to look at  them  boy  was i jealous but   i did  adore    him, according to  this   strange    diary   thing i kept in school and have   met   him a few  times    since  and lust amused   as  really  not  changed   that much but  he will prob never know as  lost the said  piece of paper at  a friends   wedding !!

it is   not a good thing  to  leave  diarys  around   around with  my  handwriting   not even   myself  but     always  my   nain ( welsh nan 0 had a stroke   and  without  asking   if i wanted to   go  i was  sent   to  my friends in Peterborough     must  admit  we  had  drifted apart   and wld   have been happier   at home but     was  quite happy when got   their and  had   even written  so  although  she had  a   work experience job  in a library which suited me as  cld just sit and   read   it was a bit of  a shock  when she  left a diary  open and had read that she    had her  won life    now and did not want me around    must  admit   shld not have  read  an  open diary  but it  was their     right in front of me  so bet  u wld  have done   .

Decades later it is me who want to     end it  i have  out grown her    and is nothing  like me i  adore politics  sport   tv  dramas  and   much more livier  than her   but suppose u shld   not believe  everything   you read     i am going to be    best mates with u for  ever     ummmmm no what ever possessed me

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MY LIFE LIVING ON THE KNIFE EDGE

I  have always  seemed to live  life on the  edge  not  always   through choice  but  often through    various  interests  like yoga    push the  stretch   bit more  and   especially middle   distance running    just      beat that one person in front  of me !!! in running   sometimes  slow  down and speed up  no good  sprinting off if  running a   10k although  always  hopeless at   sprint as   was  just rush rush  rush  =panic panic   panic  with yoga    i would stretch   and then hold it   then take  a  breather and then often   find   cld stretch just  a bit  further !!  but sadly life   is not like that

I have lost count  of the amount of  times in my life  I just want to  a few  days   rest  of this torment  in my head   as  it is often  being ok   on a rollercoaster  for a  5 mins but   not   the  last decade and  a half   or  the  whole of my life   my life   is a rollercoaster     a massive   mixture of   ups and downs  which  not kidding is absolutely exhausting !!! and  is  sure to    shorten   life    somewhat    then someone  who just   has  a plain  sailing   type of life  it might be  ok to   be on a rollercoaster   ride sometimes   but  not   more or less  constantly  cos    just  like       your diet    a treat    every  now and then  ok  ( or even  more )   but no use   wondering   why overweight   is all  u eat is    burgers  and  chipS

ANY HOW   CAME ACROSS   THIS SOMETIME AGO

LIFE IS NOT TO  BE LIVED ON THE  EDGE

BECAUSE WE  REALLY  ONLY SEE ONE   VISTA  FROM THE   EDGE

LIFE IS   TO BE LIVED ONLY FROM THE PARADOXICAL EDGE   FOUND IN THE  CENTRE

THE   CENTRE LIVES BETWEEN  YING /YANG BLACK AND WHITE   GIVING AND RECEIVING i

iF U ROOT THERE  EACH MOMENT WILL BE   BITTERSWEET

EVERY MOMENT   THROBS  WITH GREAT JOY AND sadness

WISDOM IS THE REFUSAL TO RUN FROM  NEITHER

WISDOM IS  THE BITTER SWEET HEARTBEAT OF THE   UNIVERSE

wisdom is  embracing  allowing  being  this  bitter sweetness

miss nothing  release nothing , embrace  everything you  are  intimate  and hold all your  answers

you are   finite  and know nothing  both are  true

but bittersweet  is the highest  truth of  be it and breathe!!

today is   new years    eve   not a big  fan but  i agree    with the above    next year will be a mixture of    up and downs  the other  day  my internet  went off  and  now back on then  cld not get  the  tv  on    working  now    the last   week   or so my hands  have  become   more and more painful   and   typing  here  is rather painful but hope    to get   it sorted   to  in the new year  all the best  louby xx

Posted in adhd, CHRISTMAS, frazzles, mental health, poetry, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A Christmas visitor

I am always  so  much more  relaxed on  boxing  day than christmas  day   and  actually better   then the    run up and so it  goes    on  think  with  all the   brain disorders   in one brain   it is difficult to   see  which  disorder   is  turning  up for  dinner   today , must admit  lately the  add  adhd   is  becoming  more prevalent  ( is that  a word  )   as  it is  not  what  a lot of  people  think it  is , more like    jumping from one activity  to another   or not getting  started   at all  ,  I was  wrapping  presents  christmas eve  late on     just  cld not  get myself   started   !!

Anyhow had a relaxing am   just watching  tv and going in and out  of  the  garage  which  has got  piles of  books  everywhere   which desperately need   sorting  but  no can  do again   !! ha  (  life is  just one big   excuse  )

MY mums   best  friend   called  round  with a  christmas card   from her son  cos  i sent him one and he  never  sent me one  I   get  really  fed  up with  this   silly seasonal game  that  u have to send   a card   to everyone u know but still  it   will  stop me  cursing all  year   ha (joking )   she  is   waiting for   treatment for  suspected   cancer   but  is  very upbeat   at least  found it  whilst  growth is  small !!   also with  a her  daughter dog Odie  who quickly  made itself at home  the good thing  about  friends   who live close  by    know  not to  stay to long     3/   hrs  or worse   i  just get   fed up and want to  do something else  !!!!   and let  feelings known!!!!

we went to neighbours   and left my  dad listening to the  footie  the  neighbours are   very hyacinth  bouquet  and  cos we  live in Merseyside   are   very   sport orientated   , well the  neighbours  attached  are not so my dad    stayed   at home   i love  sport  but am not  a  fanatic  and only  really  listen to  matches   ( to  expensive )  for someone  like me   and gone  off  my  local team TRANMERE   as  built on memorial  field  for Wilfred  Owen !! but  still I digress  again a pleasant  pm had   although  alot of it   was polite  conversation and  very   much  in the  Jane   Austen  style so  yer     dad    did    good  staying  at  home although  we  are much closer   as  Damien and me  go  to the same   bookgrps   and   so have common ground   really   not   keen  on polite   conversions that  u  make  with  people at  Christmas  but suppose  just a once a year thing  !! (thank god )

Now  comes the  crunch  of the day  ,  the  bins  were   due out    the  next day , I  live over a shop and they were not in so knew  another   fortnight’s rubbish wld not fit in so went  to  put my  bins  out on the  way back to the  parents      the other  side of my  parents road was  a  small white dog   the  thing was  no-one  was abt   just me  and this   really spooky feeling   the dog   had a  collar on which i tried to    read  but it   was  growly  and   ran off but kind  of looked back with a  kind of look   which I took to meant   ” i know  i am growly but   really want u to help me  ”  so  went  home and  told my parents   who both   came out and   I said   to get  some   dog  chews   who  we keep for our  four legged   friends  that may come a calling, so in he came   “!!!!!

Lets   say   he was   friendly but not over so which  was fine  bit like a  visitor   u see once a year  like at  christmas but   gave    quite  a few  saucers   of milk and water AND  absolutely  drowned them but seemed   to be a  good  weight so    detective   lou  reckoned    not bee missing to long , I was messing  abt with   facebook and  dog  rescue places    the   vets  were not open  til tomorrow  and  the  dog  people    told  us to go   to Cheshire  oaks   my dad   does  not like  driving in the dark and  seemed   along way to go  we thought  about the police but  doubt they wld be pleased     we   kept wondering  round   trying  to see anyone abt    looking  frantically  abt  but no  and i called   at  neighbours   with dogs   to see if spare lead   dog food but  to  no avail in the end  we  tied   strong  rope (  no  we had  no evil   intentions ) but    thought it may     be able  to  show were lived   if really local  our   poppy cld  do this and knew  were our friends  lived to !!!

Myself and   grumpy dad  this  has  happened   before  you see  on christmas   eve   I had left    the porch  open and a dog   found  way in we  kept it   for  awhile  til giving   to the  local dog pound when sure as carrots   are  carrots  the owner  turner up so  as   sure    as  sure  that   cheese  will be   on a cheese  board  i will  cause    calamity   with    dogs   most  christmas  but honestly  i think it is  nice  and  cld not leave   the   dog wondering abt  which my dad   agreed  so  not totally Scrooge

The  dog  seemed   very  interested  in a certain  house   by us   rather   big   so we took a chance  and knocked  we  cld hear a dog  but no recognition the house   seemed   full but  the   they  said lets  all ;put  it on  face book  sure   to be found  and   yey ” we  already have a dog  but  we   have  all sort of   dog   things    let it  stay  and we will let u know  what happens  the  relief   on my   dads face  was  slightly over the  top but still I was  slightly  less  dapper    quite   fancied  having a dog for    a day or  two but  knew  the  dog   was  not really settling   and  staying the night cld have been a  nightmare at   christmas   so   back  home .

Time wore    we half   expected  the lady to come back  with him   ” we  have changed our minds  ” but  just after  10 the lady rang  to say   the owner   had been found     lived   about  10 mins  walk  away and the old mans    granddaughter   had seen it on the  ever faithful  facebook and his   name was  Ronan  after  mr Keating     (  wld  never   have got  that  was    trying  names  like billy   sam !!! )  so     a few   drinks and   to bed    but  will be wondering  about by  Alexander  drive   wondering if  will ever see  Ronan again  but sure   as  Smarties   are   smarties he  wont   remember  me  !!! hic

ALl christmas  stories   demand a happy ending      Oh yes   they do !!!

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