I have not been blogging for a bit well maybe a week just to much happening , with constant fighting for help , I went to see my Gp who I told i was no better and the emdr did ot work she claims she has written to a liaison person and took no notice when told her but she only deals with in patients which i have never been although have been in one hell of state , I asked my Gp what do u have to do to get help !!! jump off a roof i asked pointing to an outside building ,Well are u thinking of doing anything like that today er no but if i am going to have live like this for yes i wld just like to be at peace !!! well lets increase your antidepressants and leave it at that and come back in 3 weeks wow s bye !!
I left feeling mixed up i am shattered from fighting for everything all the time although at least keeping an eye on things so that something lets have some positivity !!! ha
people are always saying me to change thinking patterns and then you wld feel better but these people have obviously not got ptsd aspergic and pure ocd and of course just life otherwise wld not be saying that sounds so easy think happy thoughts and u will be happy if only emotions effect how we think and alot of people are capable of hiding what they feel but i think it is impossible to do to pretend to be happy when sad or vise versa i have a great tendency to storm out muttering away or worse !! i must admit when i am happy i can feel as peace with myself as if the closed up heart is opening !!!!! (reading to much wishy washy love things !!! )
It is totally impossible to have happy emotions at the same time as angry ones so i have been told !!! ummmm People always say be thankful for what u have which yer i suppose look at the bright side people shld write down things that they are happy about but the un happy side would be yeons longer , I have read a few things by ROBERT EMMES or something like that who says relaxing drives out anxiety which i agree is true when i am with people i get on with the awful thoughts in my head and disappear !!! relief peace for an hr !!!
i dabble around with all sorts of helpful quotes but the only thing that really sticks kind of is Invictus and have left it slightly but things are moving again and situation may change sooner than think so yer Out of the night that covers me black as the pit from pole to pole I thank what ever god s may be for my unconquerable soul i felt a few weeks ago i was stuck for ever in my big black hole but something somewhere is saying just hold a little while longer !!!
I have read quite a bit of buddhism type quotes etc as well dont want to put all my thoughts into one basket and Buddha said ” hatred cannot exist with loving kindness and disappears if fill thoughts with kindness.
This is somewhat true i do various volunteer thing mainly with the reader and when i am with the reading grp or other like minded people ( not really like me ) but i do relax especially if the conversations , discussing things we can get my teeth into !!
I went to a volunteer meeting over in liverpool last week and came over with , my friend who runs a reading grp with , me ” lets travel over together ummm well daft getting me getting over a bus to get one with u umm meet in liverpool then so we did although was not at all happy i am always thinking why do need to travel with someone just go yourself and i can read and people watch but i was being bad tempered for no reason as had an enjoyable trip over and talked about how volunteering helps , yer cos makes me feel more positive especially when a t the end someone very simply says ta and i am able to sit and relax and be happy as not cursing the past or dreading the future but siting in the present !!!