positive / negative

I have not been    blogging     for  a bit   well maybe  a   week just  to  much happening ,  with  constant  fighting  for  help   ,  I went to  see my Gp    who   I told  i was no better and the  emdr  did ot work she   claims   she  has written to    a liaison   person and  took no notice   when told her   but   she only deals with in  patients  which i have never  been although  have   been in  one   hell of  state  , I  asked    my Gp   what do  u  have to do   to get help !!! jump   off a roof    i asked   pointing to  an outside   building ,Well  are u thinking  of  doing  anything  like that   today    er no   but  if i am   going to  have    live  like   this for  yes      i   wld  just  like to  be at peace !!!  well  lets  increase    your   antidepressants  and leave  it at that    and come   back in 3  weeks   wow   s  bye   !!

 

I   left   feeling   mixed  up   i am shattered  from  fighting   for  everything   all the  time although at least    keeping  an eye  on things  so that something   lets  have  some  positivity !!! ha

people   are  always   saying me to   change    thinking   patterns   and then  you wld   feel better    but     these   people  have obviously not got   ptsd   aspergic and  pure ocd    and  of course    just   life  otherwise wld not be  saying    that  sounds  so  easy think happy  thoughts and  u will be  happy if only   emotions  effect how  we  think   and  alot of people    are  capable  of hiding   what  they feel  but  i think  it is  impossible  to  do  to pretend to  be happy when  sad or  vise   versa  i   have  a  great tendency to   storm  out  muttering away   or  worse !!   i must  admit   when i am happy    i can  feel     as  peace with  myself  as if   the  closed   up   heart is  opening !!!!!  (reading  to much  wishy washy love   things !!! )

It  is   totally impossible   to have    happy emotions  at the   same time  as  angry ones   so  i have been  told !!!  ummmm  People  always  say  be  thankful  for  what u have     which  yer  i suppose   look at the  bright  side   people   shld  write      down  things  that   they are   happy about   but   the   un happy  side   would be  yeons  longer   , I  have read    a few   things  by ROBERT EMMES   or something  like that who    says   relaxing    drives  out anxiety  which   i agree  is true  when  i am with    people  i get on with   the   awful  thoughts    in my head  and   disappear  !!!   relief    peace for an hr  !!!

i dabble    around   with  all sorts  of    helpful   quotes  but the only thing  that   really sticks kind of   is  Invictus    and    have left    it  slightly but  things   are  moving  again and   situation    may change  sooner than  think    so yer  Out of   the   night   that  covers  me black as  the  pit from pole to pole  I  thank what  ever god s  may be for  my unconquerable soul  i felt   a few weeks  ago i    was  stuck for  ever   in  my big black   hole but   something  somewhere  is  saying   just  hold  a  little  while longer !!!

I have    read     quite  a bit of   buddhism     type  quotes    etc  as well    dont want to  put all   my thoughts into one   basket  and  Buddha  said   ” hatred  cannot   exist  with  loving kindness and disappears  if    fill thoughts  with kindness.

This   is somewhat  true      i do   various     volunteer  thing  mainly with the  reader and when  i am with  the  reading   grp   or  other  like minded   people   (  not really  like me )   but  i do relax    especially   if the   conversations ,   discussing  things  we can get    my teeth   into  !!

I went to  a volunteer meeting   over  in  liverpool  last week   and came over   with , my friend  who  runs a   reading  grp with , me   ”  lets   travel over  together      ummm  well  daft  getting me  getting over  a bus  to get one    with  u   umm meet  in liverpool   then  so we  did   although  was not at all happy    i am  always   thinking   why do   need to  travel with someone just   go  yourself  and  i can read  and people  watch  but   i   was being   bad tempered   for no reason  as  had an enjoyable   trip over and talked   about    how   volunteering   helps ,  yer    cos  makes me   feel  more positive   especially when a t the   end    someone  very simply says  ta  and i   am able   to sit   and   relax and be   happy as  not    cursing  the past or  dreading the   future  but  siting  in the present  !!!

 

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About loubyjo

I have all my life been fascinated by words and books especially I used to have this strange idea that I could read every book in the world well maybe just 80% of them . My life can at times be really stressful as suffer my brains wires are all wonky which results in me having aspergers syndrome thats probably where all my crazy ideas spill out from !!!IIIalso have ocd which results in my thoughts getting stuck in my head causing me lots of distress , but hey what is perfection and if i ever met a perfect person it would probably send me fast asleeP AND YOU AS WELL SO iIam hoping to use this blog to let you lnow what it is like to be me !! in the last few years also discovered got ptsd this is were most of probs stem from
This entry was posted in emdr, frazzles, happiness, invictus, mental health, spirtuality, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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